Yesterday, I popped round to see my neighbour, Richard, to borrow a drill. He answered the door in a pair of joggers and a faded Arsenal t-shirt.
Come in, mate. Just finished dinner, he said.
I stepped inside. The flat was immaculate, the air heavy with the smell of roast chicken. On the table sat a laptop and a half-full glass of red wine.
Richard is fifty-one, divorced for twelve years, and has lived alone all this time. Works as an engineer, earns about £3,500 a month.
Ive known him for five years, ever since I moved in. Never once have I seen a woman visit him. Not even for a cup of tea.
He handed me the drill and poured a glass of whisky for both of us.
Sit down. Havent chatted properly in ages.
We sat in the kitchen and drank in a comfortable silence until I blurted out, Rich, why are you still single? Not interested in meeting anyone?
He gave a half-smile, a little weary, a little amused.
Not looking, no. You know, Tom, Ive lived alone for twelve years now, and honestlyI prefer it.
Whys that?
He topped up our drinks, leaned back in his chair.
Ill tell you. Six reasons. Each one cost me dearly.
First reasonthe risk of losing everything in a divorce
Twelve years ago, divorced after eighteen years with Claire, he began, rubbing his forehead. Weve got a daughter, shes twenty-eight now, lives on her own.
He sipped his whisky.
She cheated on me with someone at work. I filed for divorce.
And? I asked.
Judge split the house fifty-fifty. Didnt matter that I paid most of the mortgage. We sold up, split the cash, and I bought this one-bedroom flat.
He caught my eye.
Tom, I lost half my home because of her affair. Thats just how it is. I worked, paid the bills, and she walks away with half. Makes you think. If I met anyone else, moved in together, and tied the knotsuppose it goes wrong? Suppose she walks out? Id have everything to lose, nothing to gain.
I couldnt muster a reply.
Second reasonwomen dont support your dreams
Mate, Ive got a dream, he said, voice brightening a little. Want to buy an old Triumph motorcycle and restore it, ride around the countryside on Sundays.
Love that.
Ive been saving up all year, give it another six months and Ill have a classic from the seventies to tinker with.
He chased the whisky with a glass of water.
When I was married, I had dreams too. Always fancied learning the guitar. Bought one, signed up for lessons. Claire just laughedtold me, Youre forty, not Eric Clapton. So I packed it in. Wanted to paddle the Lakes in a canoe. She said, You having a midlife crisis? Weve got a mortgage! Never went. Women arent interested in supporting your dreams. They think theyre daft. Now, I do what I like. Buy my bike, play my musicno one there to sneer or sigh.
Third reasonwomens unrealistic expectations
Three years back, I tried online dating. Was honestmy age, job, salary, hobbies.
And? I prompted.
Messaged a few ladies. One, Sarah, forty-six, receptionist at a beauty salon, earning maybe fifteen grand. She says, You seem interesting but I want someone making over seventy grand a year.
He grinned.
I asked, How much do you make? Offended, she blocked me. Most women these days see themselves as princesses. Earning peanuts, renting a tiny flat, but want men with a fat salary, a car, a house. What do they offer? Vibes.
He finished his drink.
Im on thirty-five grand, own my flat, got my car. Somehow, to most women, that’s not good enough. Why bother with people who cant see your worth?
Fourth reasonnot needing help with chores
What about the housework stuff, Rich? I said. Miss a bit of home comfort, someone cooking for you?
He laughed.
Have a look around, Tom. Spotless, isnt it? I clean once a weektakes an hour. Cooking tonight? Roast chicken and veghalf an hour, easy. Washing? The machine does it, I just press start.
He waved around the tidy kitchen.
I dont need someone for chores. Most women these days cant even cookeither takeaways or ready meals. Sure, now and then you find a proper homemaker. Rare though. And then Im expected to pay for everything? Id rather make my own tea.
Fifth reasonfear of being lied to
Richard poured us one last whisky each.
I did try dating since the divorce. Twice. Both women lied.
How so?
First one, Amanda, said she was divorced. After a month, I discovered she was marriedjust after a fling because her husband didnt earn enough.
He paused, drank.
Second, Helen. Claimed she had no kids. Dated two months, then it comes outshes got two. Didnt want to scare me off. Women lie easily, Tom. They think its fine to hide things just to snare a man. Then act shocked when were wary.
Sixth reasonpunished for showing interest
He leant back.
Last time I tried to meet someone was a year ago. Waterstones, by the classics section. Saw a woman, mid-forties, lovely. I approached her, said, Good afternoon. I see you like classic novels, can I recommend my favourite? She looked at me like I was a creep. Cold as ice: No thank you, Ill manage on my own. Walked away.
He smirked.
These days, any sign of interest from a man is seen as dodgy. Try to talka stalker. Message onlinecreepy. Daring to ask for coffeegold-digger. Im done with humiliating myself. If a womans interested, shell have to prove it. I wont chase.
Why I thought about all thisand what I realised
Richard drained the last of his whisky, gazed at me.
Tom, Im not saying all women are awful. There are good ones out there. But finding thems like looking for a needle in a haystackand the price for a mistake is high. Money, nerves, years of your life.
He stood, glass clinking on the counter.
Im fifty-one. Got a good job, flat, car, hobbies, mates. Im happy on my own, mate. Why risk it for relationships that could end with heartache and losing everything I worked for?
I went home, tossed in bed thinking of his words.
Im forty-nine. Married for twenty-three years. Things are fine with my wife. But if I were alone would I end up making the same choices Richard has?
Probably.
Is Richard justified in staying single out of fear for what he could loseor is he just running from life?
Does divorce really ruin a bloke, even if his wife cheatsor is that overblown?
Is it right to avoid any relationship, just because the cost of making the wrong call is too highor is that selfishness, a fear of living?
Are women truly unsupportive of mens dreams, or do men just pair with the wrong ones?
