Carefree Happiness
Oi, James, wait up! Please, stop
James finally slowed down, glancing over his shoulder.
Chasing him up the often-trodden footpath that led to a double-storey house of red bricks, hurried a sixteen-year-old girl: Ellie. She wore tall boots, a skirt, a lovely white faux-fur jacket and had a woollen scarf tied around her head, from under which curly chestnut hair framed her face. Her sparkling hazel-green eyes looked like she might burst into tears at any moment, which made her seem fragile, someone you wanted to look out for and protect.
She kept slipping on the ground, flinching every now and then, but didnt slow down for a second.
Ellie, slow down! Its slippery out here! James called back sternly. Seriously, dont run. Although running looks good on you. Your cheeks are glowing! Beautiful! Havent seen you like that in ages. You must be getting better!
Ellie smiled, caught up to James, grabbed his outstretched hand, and winked at him.
So, what is it you want? James asked, glancing around, leaning down to steal a quick kiss on her cheek. Your mums banned us from hanging out, you knowshe threatened to give me a right hiding
Ellies smile faded. Eyes to the ground, she fidgeted with the handle of her satchel. But then she grinned again.
Theyre all talk, James! They wont do anything, I promise! Come to the cinema with me tonight, yeah? she whispered. Look, I already bought tickets for us. See?
She pulled off a glove and revealed two paper tickets on her palm.
James took her hand, noticing how hot it felt in his big, rough ones. He stroked her elegant, pianist-like fingers.
The cinema, hmm? Well dunno got things to do, you know, he frowned, as if only just remembering. Ellie snatched her hand back and slipped it inside her glove. But since youre asking, lets go, he nodded, half-grumbling.
Whats on anyway? Not another romance, is it?
No, its a war film. Bens been and said its brilliant! Ellie shook her head. But Im too nervous to go on my own. My friends dont want to.
Ben? He talks a load of rubbish You should go with him, hell say yes for sure! James drew himself up, feigning pride. If youre so keen on what he says
Ben Faulkner was Ellies classmate. A clever lad, always hungry for knowledge, not much for football or pranksalways studying, competing, achieving and hovering around Ellie. It annoyed James, but Ben was hardly a proper rivalhe was a bit soft and shapeless. Ellie liked lively, bold blokeslike James.
Shame, really, since James had just been barred from Ellies house, whereas Ben was welcomed with open arms. Ellies mum, Pauline, practically rolled out the red carpet for Ben, always beaming when he visited
Im not listening to anyone! Ellie burst, cheeks flushing. I only want to go with you! So are you coming?
Dmitri felt a surge of warmth. He nodded.
Alright, alright. Ill come. Youre scared I see. Just you wait, youll have me jumping at shadows tonight, and Granny May will be up all night! James winked, and Ellie burst out laughing, waving a hand dismissively.
Oh, youre not scared of anything! See you outside the Odeon at 6:50, alright? Ive got to runMums got a cabbage chopping session going; its like a veg market exploded in the kitchen! See you!
Ellie turned smartly and hurried off home.
She lived two houses down from James, grew up with him, chasing sparrows through hedges, climbing elder trees to pluck a few forbidden dark berries (despite her mums warnings), seeing who could spit stones the farthestJames always played for keeps. They walked to school together too, though James was two years older. The other girls envied her, having such a good-looking protector, but Ellie never thought it was anything specialit had just always been that way with James.
Two winters ago, while skiing, Ellie suddenly felt awfulher head spun, black spots danced before her eyes, and she took a tumble, breaking her leg. Lying in the snow, shivering in agony, panic brimming in her chest, her mind aching as much as her bodyEllie had always feared pain, ever since she was small, and now there was so much more of it. Even removing splinters took pleading and bribery.
James, of course, appeared right when she needed him. He always didEllies yelps could be heard a mile away. As a child, Ellies wails were deep and booming, and James would beeline to her like a fire alarm ringing. His voice had softened over the years, though.
Cradling her all the way home, by the time they got there, Ellies leg had swollen up so much they had to cut off her boot. She clung to James so tightly she left nail marks in his shoulder, but he gritted his teeth and held on; she was all that mattered in that moment.
The ambulance came and took her to hospitalher leg wasnt major, but the real news came when doctors discovered she had a heart condition. Her medical record started filling up with diagnoses. After a long stint in the hospital, she was finally allowed home.
By then, the snow was melting and Ellie was only just starting to feel alive again.
Her leg took forever to heal, itching under the cast, leaving her moody and snappyespecially with her mum. Still, everything lit up when James dropped by. Hed always cook up some funhe once spread out a world map on Ellies bed and theyd float paper boats and toy cars across imaginary lands, go adventuring from deserts to tundra, only to have tea behind the Ural mountainssometimes hed bring a puzzle or start drawing together. Ellies world during recovery was Jamess imagination.
When they finally take that thing off, James would say, nodding at her plastered leg, well go somewhere, you and me. Where dyou fancy?
Ellie would shrug: I just want to go outside. Mum wont let me. Says its my heart, that I need rest. I probably cant even walk anymore
Rubbish! James waved her off. Youve just been stuck in bed too long. My granddad, Alan, in Fenton, he came back from the war an invalid, leg all seized up, nearly penguin-waddling everywhere. Then some clever professor rolled up, did all sorts of mad exercises with himknotted him up like a pretzel, they say. Worked a treathe ended up as right as rain! Science never stands still, Ellie! Therell be a way for you, youll see! Just dont give up. And get moving, you snail! Mo-o-ove!
Hed tease her by snatching her doll and dashing off, Ellie hobbling after him with her crutches, grumbling at him to give her toy back.
Ellie, youre too old for dolls! James would joke, laying it on thick. Youre like old Mrs Norris at the corner shopall she talks about is her aches and pains Chin up, Ellie! Well soon dance again!
Ellie! Bed. Now. James, honestly, what are you playing at?! Pauline would barge in, flapping her arms. You know shes not supposed to get excited! Off you go. Go on, out! Eugenies coming round to help her with homeworkshes missed so much
Eugenie, that little swot? Right perhaps Ill stay and listen in, James puffed his chest, only for Ellie to nudge him away.
On the porch, Pauline grabbed James by the collar and pinned him to the wall, making it hard for him to breathe.
Listen, lad. Stay away with your so-called remedies, like youre some backstreet doctor. Ellies got a serious condition. She cant even have children, doctors saidthe strain would kill her. But I want my girl to live, understand? Dont you breathe a word to her about thatshe dreams of a big family. Now off, go. And dont ever mention this to her.
Only when he was nearly home did the full meaning hit James. Ellie was disabledreally disabledher heart so weak
Shell die flashed through his mind like a bolt of lightning. What if she dies tonight?
Granny May, standing on the porch, stared in surprise as James flung off his coat and shirt and doused himself with a freezing bucket of water from the rain barrel.
James! What are you doing? Youll catch your death! she shouted, heading for a towel.
James took a deep breath, shook his head, and felt his thoughts cool.
No, that cant be. Shes got a whole life ahead of herand its going to be a good one! Ill see to it! he stomped his foot.
Granny May listened but couldnt quite make out what her grandson was muttering.
James, stop that noise, stomping about, I cant sleep. Go to bed, love, its late and you must be exhausted! she called out, yawning.
Sorry if I woke you, Gran. Ill pop in for a cuppa then head up. Sleep well, Granny. Goodnight!
They lived together; James knew little of his parents, only that theyd vanished or diedGranny May told the story vaguely, never wanting to admit that Jamess mum had left him and no one really knew who his dad was
Ellie was taken to specialists from time to time; Pauline always plied them with homemade gifts and preserves, hoping for miracle news, but never heard what she wanted.
We cant do much at present, the doctor shrugged. In future, advances will surely help, but for nowfull rest, avoid worry. Hundreds, thousands live like this, dont fret so!
Yes, yesrest Pauline nodded. Ben, Ellies friendhe says reading lots is good, takes her on walks.
Mum! the girl blushed, embarrassed by Paulines loose tongue.
Well, your Bens a sensible young man! Cherish him! the doctor grinned. Just what any girl needs
So Ellie lived, scared even to take an extra step, her mother hovering to make sure she didnt catch cold, sweat, run, jump oranything.
The cinema was stuffy, reeking of cigarettes. Clinging to Jamess arm, Ellie watched in silence, then buried her tearful face in his shoulder.
Ellie, dont cry! Itll be okay! James whispered, stroking her hair.
But people behind kept hissing at them to shush.
James, Im not feeling well. Can we go? she whispered.
Course! he agreed.
Two dark shapes blocked the aisle briefly as they squeezed out, letting in a shaft of light from the foyer, before the door clicked shut behind them.
James offered, Sit down. Ill fetch you some water.
The usher, standing nearby, shook her head with judgement. So young Are you even married? Whats the world coming to, honestly
Evidently she thought Ellie was pregnant and feeling faint.
No, not yet. But soon, we will be! said James, appearing beside Ellie.
What? Ellie gasped, the room spinning again. Youre joking, right?
She gripped his arm, searching his face.
I dont joke about that kind of thing, James replied, deadly serious. I was going to wait, but Im off to the Army, Ellie. Promise mewhen Im back, well get married. I said youd see the world, didnt I? Maybe not right now or everywhere, but well see penguins, at least. I promised, yeah?
She nodded, still dazed.
And Ill keep that promise. Doesnt matter what anyone says. If we just want to, well find a way to make you well. Well see the very best doctors, and someday you will have our baby! he said, voice fierce, longing to kiss her right there but didnt darenot with the usher staring. Not like that.
Drink up, lets get some fresh air, he said, taking her arm, but she slipped out of his grasp.
I cant have children, ever? she asked, her eyes fixed on him.
James hesitatedPauline had told him to keep the secret, and yet
Lets not talk about that now. Things change. Lets have a walk.
Ellie nodded quietly, let James help her with her coat and lead her outside. Then she turned away, biting her lip to hold back tears. She wasnt really a woman, not properly. Shed never have a proper family. What now? How would she carry on?
James, wanting to cheer her up, took her to see Tom Barker, who let them have a go on his motorbike. They popped a helmet on Ellie and put her up front, with James sitting cautiously behind and promising not to speed.
Riding steadily, Ellie felt his arms circle her waist, tracing her shape. She felt hot, her head dizzy. All worries faded awaythe film, the talk of childrenthey vanished, leaving only the road ahead, Jamess arms and the hum of the engine
That night, Ellie fell ill and the doctor was called. After an injection, he muttered in the hallway, Youre not looking after your girl! Exam season must be coming up, and shes already in bits!
Ellie tried to explain shed just watched a scary film, that it would pass, but
Were you with James? her mum demanded after the doctor had left.
Yes. Hes always honest with me! About everything. Even even about not having children
She burst into tears again.
Ill wring his neck! grumbled her father, John, clenching his fists.
Dont you dare, Dad! Hes the best! So much better than your Ben!
To bed! John barked, flicked off the light and pushed his wife towards their bedroom. James got his call-up paperssoon well have peace and quiet round here!
Pauline barred James from the house, blaming him for everything.
Ill still be there for her. And she will be happyIll find a cure, you hear? Stop wrapping her up in cotton wool! If this goes on, shell waste away! Let her live, let her be young! On his last night before leaving for the Army, James tried to say goodbye, but Pauline refused to let him inhe nearly started a fight over wanting just to see Ellie. Let me in or Im climbing through the window!
John appeared on the porch, a shotgun cradled in his arms.
Going to shoot me, Mr Parker? Go ahead then. No one really needs me, except for Gran May, right? So, no big loss. Just tell Ellie Ive gone. No need to upset her, okay?
James stood, head held high, chest out, as the barrel pressed against him. Pauline was sobbing behind her hand.
After a moment, John lowered the gun.
Youre an idiot, James. Maybe the Army will make a man out of you. Go home. Ellies sleepingI wont let you wake her. For your grans sake, off with you, he muttered, teeth gritted.
Both John and Pauline decided, unspoken, that all their troubles began with James. He took Ellie out that day, got her skiing, caused it allit was easier to blame him. So, best if he vanished from their lives.
Dont fret, love. Maybe hell like Army life, stay on, forget about our Ellie, John waved Pauline off. Go check Ellie didnt hear any of that?
Pauline crept to Ellies room. It was quiet, but she didnt see Ellie at the window, barefoot, staring out into the night, watching Jamess retreating back.
Turn around, please, just turn around she pleaded in her head.
And he did. Adjusted his hat for show, but really, he was wavingjust a tiny, secret wave. She knew
James didnt return for four years. Ellie didnt know, but hed been shipped off to Afghanistan and gone missing. Granny May passed away while waiting for him. Ellie wasnt allowed to go to the funeral; she was told to keep studying.
Any letters she sent to Jamess regiment were lost in the ether.
No reply? Postwoman Mrs Andrews would ask sympathetically at the Post Office. Means hes busy, or, you know Maybe he just doesnt want to write back. These things happen. Oh lookBens coming! What a clever one, that boy. Off you pop, love.
James came home in the autumn. His house, cold and silent, greeted him with the smell of damp. The roof had leaked, and rain had left ugly stains on the wallpaper upstairs. On the sofa lay the scarf Granny May wore for her aching back; the icons on her bedside table looked dark and faded.
He slumped at the table, eyes shut. Everything was the same, and yet not. Or maybe hed changed.
The whole night he tossed and turned. Next morning, he set off for Ellies house. Pauline was in the yard, hanging washing.
Auntie Pauline! he called, flicking away his cigarette. You havent changed a bit!
It seemed a lifetime since hed left.
Whos that? She squinted.
Its meJames. May I come in?
He didnt wait for permission, opening the gate and striding up the path, eyes glued to Ellies window. The curtains were drawn and even the flowerpots had disappeared.
Shes moved, James. Didnt you Are you alive? Pauline muttered, sounding not so much upset as resigned. So youre back. Well lifes just moved on.
Where to? James asked, hand half-reaching for another cigarette before changing his mind.
To Manchester. Ben got a spot at the university there, so they both went.
Whats that got to do with Ben?
Theyre married now, James. Ellie didnt want to stay here, not after they said youd died. She decided to leave. Bens got family there. She wrote recentlytheyre getting on, shes studying too. Ben helped her through everything afterafter your gran. When we buried her, Ellie collapsed and we had to call the doctor again But Bens always there. Look, James, Pauline placed a hand on his shoulderhe noticed how much older she looked, her face worn and tired. Pleaselet them be. Let them try to be happy
She looked at him sorrowfully.
Ellie never loved that bookworm! scoffed James, spitting in the grass.
Maybe once. But when you were gone, she came round. He makes her feel safe, he takes care of her. Please, dont appear in her life again.
James didnt reply, just turned and walked away, Pauline sighing and heading inside. Her husband sat reading at the tableBen had even taught him to love books.
James spent one more restless day at his empty house, packed a rucksack, boarded up the windows, locked the gate. Finally, he stopped by Grandma Mays grave. A bird sang somewhere in the bramble. Removing his cross, he set it gently down atop the headstone.
Sorry, Gran
And he left.
James grew harder, daring to the point of recklessness, never taking no for an answer. He took risks, often working in the grey areas of business, but always rewarded those who helped him well. He dealt in secondhand auto parts, then antiques, then groceries and supplies. He searched for something.
Of course, finding Ellie wouldve been easy. Manchester, university, Benpeople like him are always on the front page, easy to track. But James was searching for something else: a slim chance.
Around eight years later, after working his way up in business (mechanics supplies, antiques, grocery wholesaling and procurement), James finally got in touch with top medical equipment firms, and through them, the best heart specialists in the world.
Why so interested in matters of the heart? Doctor Robinson, a brilliant cardiologist, asked. Weve got some of the worlds best specialists. Whats the score?
Nothing odd, James replied. Just want to help someone her live well.
And? Age? Family?
No, just an old friend. Shes two years younger than me. Been troubled with her heart since she was sixteen. I dont know her exact diagnosis.
Then you need to find out. We can only do so much guessing. Medical files. Current testsnothing from ten years ago, mind!
James nodded, grabbed his bag and left, the corridor echoing only with the distant shuffle of NHS staff.
Where are you off to? Irene called across the landing, tying her robe tighter. The flat was chilly. James always left the windows openseemed to crave extra air.
Sorry, didnt mean to wake you. Ive got business for a day or two. Dont be bored. Or, well, miss me, he snatched her quickly into a rough, possessive kiss. If anyone calls, just say youve no idea when Ill be back. Because you really dont know. Alright? And Dont have guests over, alright?
Irene, mock-surrendering, blew him a kiss. Yes, my lord. Wont you at least have breakfast?
No time. Sorry.
She heard his boots stomp their way down the stairs and out.
James didnt love Irene, not really. He never pretended he did. Yet, they were oddly content together. She got security, he gotsomeone solid. What else do you need, really, in a world where nothings ever simple or fair?
A week later, James met a nervous, bony little chap from the health board in a quiet pub. The mans hands fluttered, chewing nervously at his blue fingernails.
James, were happy to get the equipmentbut patients medical records, thats something else! he hissed. Is this a test? Are you fromsomeone important?! Only, I cant disclose a thing! Ellie Parker sorry, dont recall the name. For equipment sales, speak to Admin
James grinned, leaning across the table, dropping his voice. Relax, Neil. Im not from anywhere. What dyou want for the info? Dont be shyIll pay. You see, Ellies an old friendsince childhood. Her hearts bad, and Ben keeps her cooped up, popping pills, weekly blood tests Sure, she still has to workhe wants it on the recordbut any time-off, shes confined at home. No theatre, no cinema, nothing nice, for fear of excitement. Hows she meant to live? Meanwhile, Ben rides around in her car. Gets the best of everything while Ellie takes the bus and stays home. They have a sonshe shouldnt havebut, well, Ben wanted an heir. Now the boys run ragged with extra lessons, turning grey before his time, but Bens fresh as a daisy, thanks to Ellies conditionextra rations, holidays at the seaside (which Ben alone enjoys, mind you). Hes on her back like a leech!
James could have screamed, but kept his voice level in the genteel surroundings.
Youre a dangerous man, James! Neil whispered, tremulous, wagging a scrawny finger. Youre meddling in lives you dont understand. Thats criminal!
Whats criminal is exploiting a sick wife for perks! James growled. Never mind their world, Ellie and her boy deserve better! Just let me see her records. The equipment will be delivered on time, I swearand no one will know. Ill pay. Its just a dealsave her, save yourself. Neil, your lad is off to uni soonfuture security, eh? Lets step outside.
They did. The wind rattled their scarves, damp air sticking to their faces.
How much? Neil finally asked.
James named the sum. Neil nodded, handed over a manila folderhed brought it all along, bluffing as only a petty bureaucrat can. James, knowing this, tossed a thick envelope in Neils bag.
Cheers. The kits already on its way.
Ellie Parker was walking slowly through a quiet lane. She wasnt thinking about anything, not really. Tomorrow, back to the surgeryBend booked her in; awkward appointment, meant she had to excuse herself from work. School meeting in the evening for their son, WalterBen said hed be busy And next week Bens parents were visiting, wanted to see their grandson, so their spare room needed prepping So many chores. But right now, just breathe and walk. Thats good.
A motorbike zipped by, the laughing girl holding tight round her boyfriends waistEllie smiled, remembering riding like that with Jameshow the spray flew from the wheels, cottages rushing past.
Ellie! she heard the voice, freezing mid-stride. Ellie, hi!
She turned. James
I need a word. Its important, he said, gently steering her off the path to a nearby bench. Lets sit and chat.
James Jimmy Oh, James! She found herself stroking his arm, his chest, reaching his face. Granny May never believed
Tears slipped down Ellies face, and James pulled her close in a fierce, unhurried hug. Kind, solidhed always been there for her. Now she knew for certain.
So, shall we get a cuppa? Or something? he asked, searching her eyes.
Lets go to mine. Ben and Walter are home. Youll meet our son, she replied, as if issuing a challenge.
I cantnot yet. This is just for you.
Alright, how about that canteen?
After much hesitation, James spoke. Ellie, you need to come with me. But well need paperwork, permits
Where to? she stammered.
My friend Rob found a world-class cardiologist who can treat your condition. Theres surgery involved, but it could change your life, Ellie! Youll be freeBen wont have to keep you locked away, dragging you to check-ups every week
Hes only trying to help. Worryings all, Ellie shook her head.
I know what hes doing, Ellie, and I know you. Ive paid for everything already. You just need to bring your papers and come. Please.
Ellie tried to change the subject. What about you? Are youmarried? What do you do? You look differentI almost didnt recognise you. But it suits you
How? Jamess voice wavered.
Youresharper. Bit mysterious. Rougher round the edges. You havent turned criminal, have you?
He chuckled. Had my troubles, not going to lie. Started at the bottom, did a bit of wheeling and dealing. But all thats behind me now. Im just a supplier. Learned a bit of French too, big move.
Thats good. Walters learning French. Ben found him a tutor, comes twice a week. Have you been by the old house?
Empty now. Doesnt matter. Ellie, please, Ive sorted everythingjust need you. Take sick leave or a holiday; Ill handle the rest.
James felt oddly hurried, as if time was about to run out for them.
Ellie? Walter is waiting, its dinner time, and youre sitting in a canteen? Ben had appeared suddenly, cold-faced, by their table. I got caught up at work, saw you in here. Andis that James? Well
Bens face turned to stone as he took Ellie by the arm.
Hang on, Ben. James was just telling me about some Ellie trailed off, feeling something bad looming.
Ellie, lets get you some air. Your pillwheres your pill? Ben fussed, and James had no choice but to follow.
Home was tidy, with a smell of soup hanging about. Walter came out, curiosity written all over his face.
James, the man introduced himself.
Walter looked to his dad for answers.
Walter, eat in your room. Grown-ups need to talk, Ben ordered.
Ellie brought Walter his food, kissed him, and went to the kitchen.
So, old chap, what about youwhat brings you here? Ben tried to sound casual, kicking his feet to make James uncomfortable.
Ellie, give him some supper or something. You married? he asked, munching a spring onion.
No. Ive found a clinic abroad for Ellie. Theyre ready to do heart surgeryrare, expensive, but top people. Afterwards, shell be able to live a normal life again, not this shadow youre making her. Ellie! Say something?
Ellie, go take Walter his tea.
Once shed left, Ben leaned in.
She cant say anything. You just turn up out of nowhere, suggest whisking her off abroad, with who knows what money, and for what? What about Walter and me? If something goes wrong? Shes our whole life, not just yours. Where were you before, eh? While we were scraping by, nappies and sick days? Shes minemine to look after, mine alone. I know whats best for her. You
James shot to his feet, looming over Ben. Shes not your property. Let her live properly, not survive on scraps! Sure, you love her car, her invalids perksbut she could be her own woman again. How do you sleep at night? Youre hiding behind Ellie, mate. If she takes this chance, who knows what she could become
Im not going, James. Ill stay here. This is my life. Im scared. What if it goes wrong? Walter needs me. Im doing okay. Honestly.
Ellie hugged James, laying her head sadly against his shoulder.
Lets have tea, shall we? Weve got cakes! Then you can go, James.
James declined, threw on his jacket, and left, not even saying goodbye.
Barging down the street, bumping into strangers, James fumed: how could she refuse a new life? Hed given up so much, even sold half his business All for nothing.
Hed tried so hard, walked through so many hospital corridors, begged, bribed, arrangedand for nothing.
You just wanted to prove to Ben that youre better, that Ellie would be yours. But you were wrong. You lost, he realised bitterly, and the rest was only darkness and pain.
Irene was still awake at home.
Hello, she said softly from the hallway, still in her old comfy robe. I made soup Fancy a try? Came out alright, I think
She stepped toward him, this big, frozen man, and held him close.
Whats up? James asked, confused.
I was scared youd stay with hernever come back
Irene sniffled, clutching him tighter.
Silly girl! What would I do without you, eh? Suddenly, James felt lighter, as if a weight the size of a mountain had rolled off his shoulders. He owed no onedidnt even owe himself. He could live on, love Irene, marry her, have kids, start a family. That would be their life, their happiness, to build together. Others, let them live as they wish, too.
And its so simpleletting yourself be happy.
Irene watched as he savoured her soup, smiling to herself because now, in their home, there was a family too. She was absolutely sure of it.
