The Heavy Man
Oh, Harry! You are such a heavy man! You make everything so complicated! Why cant you just do what I asked, for once?
The woman scolding her husband was strikingno, magnificent. Long legs, deep sapphire eyes, and the sort of figure that made men contort themselves to get a second look as she strolled through the grounds of the old manor turned hotel.
Her husband, by contrast, looked oddly put together: nearly a head shorter than her, barrel-shaped and solid, with long arms, short legs, and a sallow bald spot growing like a hidden garden. There was one remarkable thing about himhis eyes. Sparkling, quick, clever, as if they peered clean through you. They made the couples oddness all the more surreallike if Aphrodite had somehow married Hephaestus, but instead of a hammer he always held a child.
The little girl looked so much like him there could be no doubting the connection. From her mother, shed inherited only her eyes and that wild copper mane of curlsunruly, glowing, never tamed. No attempt by her mother, Alice, to subdue them ever succeeded, and so the child, barely five, thundered through the corridors as a flash of ginger, her father Harry always at her heels.
If you want the tour so badly, Alice, then go. But I dont think Katherine is quite old enough for that sort of thing. Its hot, and its a long way off. Shell get tired and fretful and thatll ruin your day, surely? Harrys voice was as soothing as warm milk.
And what about you, then? Im here with my husband, not by myself! The staff never leave me alone as it is. Doesnt that bother you? Do you just not care?
Alices voice teetered on a high edge, and Katherine gripped her fathers neck, nestling in closer.
My love, Im wildly jealous, you know that! His lips curled into a secret smile as he stroked his daughters hair. Lets come up with something else. Shall we try sailing? Or go diving? What would you prefer?
I want to see the stones, Alice snapped, staring out the window. If you dont care, Ill go myself!
Her performance was flawless. Harry could only shrug as his wife swept away towards the pool, already unburdened of both child and husband.
He was used to her ways; they lived much as their set didhe, successful and perennially busy; she, beautiful, young, enjoying the luxury of being adored.
How Harry ever became a fashionable husband, he couldnt quite say. Relationships with women had always been difficult for him, and not because of his looks. He simply never learned the subtle song women sang, unless they were business partners or colleagues. With them, he had the right gallantry, wit, and humour. But fall in love, and Harry became lost. He wouldnt know what to do with his hands or how to capture a womans attention; the confusion left him so raw he eventually abandoned all attempts at a romantic life. He worked ceaselessly, visited his mother out in Hampshire, and one day resigned himself to bachelorhood.
The rare interludes of not for love, but for health, as his mother liked to put it, were what brightened his solitude.
It might have gone on that way, had his mother, Margaret, not decided it was time for Harry to set about creating a family.
Harry! Ive admired you long enough. Youll never marry on your own, will you? We need a matchmaker!
A what? Harry, sipping tea with raspberry jam on the sun-drenched veranda of his mothers country house, spluttered.
Ruined your suit, have you? Margaret observed, eying him. Youre a catch, Harry. Smart, polite, successfulbut is that good for anyone but me? No! Its no good. Youve achieved what most men only dream of, but youre not happy. I can see it in your eyes, especially around Marinas children. My cousindaft as a brush, no doubt, but a marvellous mother, one cant deny. And I love those little ones, but I dream of cradling my own grandchildren. More than thatI want to see you holding your own child. Then youll know true happiness. Your father knew it too. Everything elsethese fields, these wallstheyll fall in. Only the living enduresmemories, emotions, life itself Do you hear me?
I do, Mum. But whats that got to do with a matchmaker?
Everything! Youll never find a wife yourselfyou simply dont have the knack. My fault, I dare sayI raised you all wrong for women. But Ill make it right. And since Im no expert, were calling in the professionals. Now, pendescribe your ideal woman.
Oh, come on, Mum
No! Hand it over. What colour eyes, then?
They sat until dusk, Harry answering her questions just to avoid her nagging, his mother pulling out even the secrets he flinched to acknowledge, dreams mixed with terrors, all set down in neat English on a sheet of ruled paper.
No such women exist, Harry said at last, reading it over in disbelief.
We shall see, Margaret declared, tucking the list away.
And, curiously, she found her. Alice matched every outside detail. But all that lived beneathhe would untangle only after the vows.
Harry learned quickly that his marriage was, in truth, a business contract. And, as he later discovered, that was ordinary for their sort. Alice never intended to stay home making Sunday roast; she was interested in herself above all. Their new, spacious houseoften described as grandoffered them separate bedrooms, Alice claiming the sound of Harrys snoring was intolerable. Whether he actually did snore, Harry was never sure. It didnt matter: for the woman he loved, he would comply with anything.
Alice did not want children. Still, knowing that children fit the terms, she secured a delay of a couple years.
Im too young, Ive seen nothing of the world. Let me travel. Take me with you, wont you?
He agreed. They wandered from continent to continent, built up their lives, grew almost to endurance with each other.
Katherines birth drew them together briefly. Harry found his joy in racing home each evening to his daughter. Yet Alice was an indifferent mother.
Im not feeding her! Ill be needing surgery to fix my figure after! Nonsense! Get a nanny, or feed her formula. Plenty of children grow up that wayso did you, your mother told me. And you turned out perfectly well. I see no problem!
No amount of pleading from her mother-in-law or Harry changed her mind. So Katherine suckled greedily at her bottle, while Harry advertised for a nurse.
Ill go mad! Trapped here with a wailing child all day, while youre out with your work and colleagueshows that fair? You want me to fall into a depression?
Harrys mother-in-law, Agnes, objected when she learned he was hiring someone.
Why? I could helpbe a grandmother. No need for a stranger in the house.
Harry grabbed at this offerthough it led to their first real quarrel as husband and wife.
Why should my mother be here? To boss me around? Is this your way of helping? You make everything so hardits like you dont care about me at all!
I do care! And I care about my child, too. You hardly even look at her. She deserves someonebesides mewho loves her!
And here, Harry spoke truth. Alices care for Katherine revolved around making sure her daughter had the prettiest toys, the most exquisite clothes, the most tasteful nursery for show when friends visited. The reality: Katherine always slept in Harrys room. Her cot, a chest of things, and a box of favourite toys were all there.
I do love my child! The best I can! Alice broke downone of the few times since the wedding Harry had seen it. He refused her tears.
Your mother stays. Shell watch Katherine when Im out. If you decide you want to take up mothering, well work it out. For now, this is how it will be.
Alice, thinking it over, decided her mother wasnt a dreadful price for the freedom she sought.
Agnes moved in, and Katherine had her other world besides Harry. She knew Alice; she endured the protocol of being held for ten minutes for show, but then would dash off in search of her father or grandmotherthose whose affection she never doubted.
And so they lived. Katherine grewfirst the ballet studio, then a private nursery, Agnes driving her in the mornings. The child travelled half the globe, hotels and airports entirely familiarso long as the one who never minded her presence was there.
This journey broke routine only when Katherine suddenly spiked a fever and complained of headaches.
Well, theres the whole holiday wasted, Alice paced the suite, waiting for the doctor Harry summoned.
What are you saying, Alice? Your child is ill.
Oh, its surely just a cold. I told you not to spoil her with ices. Youd grant her every wish. Now look where we areFather of the Year! What now?
Harrys reply, cool as stone, stopped Alices tirade. Wait for the doctor.
The doctor examined Katherine and was unconcerned. A bit overtiredshe needs rest and sleep. Shell be fine.
Harry nodded, and as the doctor left, he turned to Alice: Pack your things. Were going home.
Alice nearly burst out crying. Why, Harry? He said it was fine!
I dont care. Something isnt right. Five-year-olds shouldnt have headaches. No arguingwere leaving.
Tests at the London clinic proved Harry right. Life stumbled and held its breath.
Clinic followed clinic, but though Katherine did not worsen, she did not recover either. Harry set aside everything for her, spending nights in a chair beside her bed, leaving Agnes with Katherine only to shower and change. Alice, too, sat by, but the staff soon realised she was merely a fixtureall smiles, nothing else. She could not answer even basic questions about her child; shed just shake her head and cry. People assumed she was devastated and didnt press her, turning to Harry instead.
The truth was sadder. Alice didnt fret over Katherinenot really. She saw the doctors were doing all they could, so what more could she do? She mourned her freedom, the life shed lost. The smell of disinfectant made her retcheven the finest clinics Harry could afford.
Her patience snapped when she heard Harry was selling their house.
Why, Harry? Are you out of money?
Yes.
So simple, so finalAlice faltered.
But you had plenty. All those years
I did. And you lived off it. But nowits all for Katherine. She needs surgery, you know that. No one here will do it, so it means the best abroadand that takes pounds. Everything goeshouse, business, whatever. If it saves my child, nothing else matters.
What about me? What am I to do? Alice wept, knowing what would come. She could be flighty, spoilt, but she was no fool.
You? I know youre miserable. So heres your freedom. Ill leave you plentya car, the flat in London. Live as you wish. Just agree to visit Katherine in hospital at least twice a week, and come with us to her surgery. However you areshe is your daughter. She needs you, even if only for the pretence. So show a little compassion, if youre capable. At least pretend, for her sake.
Harrys mask cracked and fell. His voice, usually so careful, was wild with terrora primal, animal sort of fear. Everything that mattered lay behind the ward door just beyond, curled tight around a battered teddy, an IV in her tiny hand. And the only thing tying him to the woman streaking her mascara in the corridor was their child.
Enough. Clean yourself up and dont go in frightening Katherine. She must stay calm, understand? Youll get everything you want, but for nowyoull earn it. Now go, Alice, and dont make me repeat myself.
Exactly what changed in that strange little manwhom Alice had always looked down onshe couldnt have said. To her, it seemed as though Harry had grown tall and imposing, like a granite cliff, unassailable, ready to be a shield for anything behind him.
She hurried off, missing the way Harry opened the door as Katherines ginger head shifted on the pillow.
Daddy The word floated through the air, uncertain and soft.
Agnes, sitting by with a book, slipped out into the corridor, eyes to the floor.
Harry, if youll let me stay
Why do you need my permission, Agnes? Thank you! I dont know how Id cope without you.
Agnes dabbed her eyes. Im so ashamed, Harry Its my fault; I didnt raise her right She was always bright, pretty, knew how to pleasebut now, its as if I dont know my own child. Where did I go wrong?
If only we could see our falls beforehand, wed all lay mattresses on the ground. I wasnt much betterI should have acted sooner Stilldoesnt she love Katherine at all? You were a good mother, a good example. Will I fail with Katherine too?
Start laying the hay early, Harry, Agnes smiled shakily, fixing her hair. Right then! No moping. Katherine will spot us and put on such a show well be hopping about. She needs peace. Ill settle her for a nap. And you, could you pop to the shop for an ice? She ate nothing at lunch. Maybe thatll cheer her. Oh, and give Alice some time; well see how it goes. I cant believe shes heartlessnot entirely
A few months on, Katherine had her operation. Margaret left her lectures and came to help.
Six months more, and Katherine came home with her father and grandmothers. Alice stayed in Europe.
Two years of rehabilitation. Hope flickeredsometimes blazing, sometimes dimbut never went out. Until the day the doctor, removing his spectacles, rubbed his nose, and smiled at Harry:
You did it
Life hung there, uncertain. Then took a new pathpausing, then moving forward, sure-footed again.
Alice returned to Katherines life on her fifteenth birthday. Looking every inch unchangedglamorous, composedshe pecked Agnes on the cheek, nodded to Harry, and drifted through the crowd toward Katherines school friends.
Darling
Two blue eyes, the mirror of her own, observed Alice with an adults measured calm.
Mum
Alice flustered, reaching for the right words, but Katherine raised a hand.
No rush. Nows not the time. Well talk later.
But I wanted
I know. It can wait.
Katherine, please
Fine. Follow me.
Katherine nodded to her friends, led her mother to Harrys study, yanked back the thick curtain, perched on the windowsill, and shrugged.
Im listening.
My God, youre so like your father
What, Mum? Heavy?
Thats not what I meant.
But its true. I am. And Ill tell you something. The man you thought beneath you, whom you hurt and left, not once in all these years has he spoken ill of you to me. Not once. He never brought another woman home, because he didnt want to upset me. He never divorced you. And always insisted I had a mothereven though in reality, you were never there. Do you know what else, Mum?
What? Alice almost whispered, the young woman before her no longer the child shed left.
My heavy father taught me how to forgive. Said its no good holding bitterness in your soul. Im not sure Im any good at it yet. But I am his daughterI dont do things by halves. Still, I hardly remember you, and I have no real yearning to. I dont need you; I have Dad, and my grandmothers. They told me all I need as a girl to grow up whole. So I dont see much reason to waste time on you. But for Dads sake, Ill give you a chanceto try being a proper person, Mum.
And before? What was I?
Whatever you likea doll, a pretty cover, an empty shell Is that cruel? Perhaps. I remember falling asleep to lullabies in hospitalholding Dads hand, not yours. I remember my head shaved, Granny Agnes in tears, Granny Margaret bringing me a hideous pink sunhat. We put it on my bald head and laughed so hard I had an accident on the way to the loo. And you werent there. I remember starting school a year late and how hard it was; the grannies did my homework because Dad worked late. I remember Granny Agnes making me a real tutu and buying a swans crown even after we knew Id never dance on stage. I danced for them at homeand the cheers put Covent Garden to shame. Granny Margaret brought paints and brushes and we painted till dawn. My painting theresee? I gave it to Dad and it won first prize at an exhibition. And you werent there.
But I am now, darling
And why dont I believe you? Katherine traced patterns on the glass, below which Harry watched her. She waved, then faced her mother. Any ideas? No? WellI wont think about it now. Try. If you prove to me I need you as my mother, Ill consider forgiving you. Until then welcome. Settle in. The cakes in an hour, Im off to the guests. Excuse me.
Katherine hopped down, sorted the curtain, and in the doorway, turned back.
What do you think, Mumam I a heavy person?
Alice stared, afraid to scare off this elusive hope.
Good! Means Im just like Dad. Thats the best thing you could ever call me. And I think Im ready, nearly, to start thinking. See you soon!
The flicker of ginger curls was swallowed by the oak-panelled hall. Alice stepped to the window, pressing her palm to the mark her daughters fingers left, and stared out, searching the clouds for shapes of forgiveness.
