A Glass of Milk
Its not only the destitute who have a hard lot, but often those who end up close to them too. Jane Goodwin knew this well; nearly eight years shed devoted to the social services in Birmingham. In that time, shed run her feet to blisters, grown thin and sharp-tongued, and picked up a wicked sarcasm, especially when people criticised her work. Who are you to question what I do? shed retort, her coppery fringe parting over piercing green eyes that could scorch the curiosity right out of someone. If they didnt pipe down, shed take off suddenly, striding away with no explanation. That was why most called her Jane Plague, in half admiration, half jest.
All these years Jane shopped for her clients, scrubbed their flats if need be, and managed to find common ground with everyonealmost. Thered only ever been one row, when a lonely old man gave her a chocolate bar. Accepting gifts was forbidden. Jane never broke that rule except, that time, her resolve waveredhow do you refuse, for Christs sake? She took the chocolate home but couldnt even break off a square, so wrong did it feel. Gave it to Peter, the neighbour boy, and after that, refused every other offering. The old chap grumbled to the authorities, muttering, These carers want more than chocolate bars… theyre waiting for an envelope stuffed with cash! Jane nearly lost her jobdidnt even try to fight it. You can sack me, I wont beg. Im not a mat you wipe your feet on! she declared. Yet, her other clients rallied to her defence, especially Ann Fairclough. Jane had always liked Ann, but after that, she felt like they were true sisters, the kind neither of them ever had.
Their fates were woven from similar sorrowboth orphaned young. Ann was disabled from birth, Jane outwardly whole but inwardly battered, fragile and weeping, too scared even Ann couldnt grasp it. What bound them most was that neither had children. Jane had long since made her peace with it, but Ann still battled on. Ann even scolded Jane when she caught her wallowing. Confidence grew after shed attended several rehearsals at the rehab centre, preparing for a concert. At first, Ann wanted no part of performingFather Luke, who visited often on holidays, bringing prayer and gifts, discouraged her too, believing sewing her finest pursuit. Ann was dogged, though not nimble with a needle. She started with napkins and handkerchiefs, then took on a linen dress, decorating it in intricate half-toned patterns, vivid red flourishes and fantastical green birds that shimmered with life. The dress was so striking, it was exhibited at the West Midlands folk arts show and won first place. On the last day, it was even soldwith Anns blessing. When they brought her a rounded sum, she rang Jane and burst into tearsher first ever earnings, and she hadnt a clue what to do with them.
Dont you fret, well find a use for that money! Jane laughed, then grew serious. Well buy more dresses like that, enough for a year or twos workbetter than dwelling on the impossible.
Ann let Janes last words slide, but resentment gnawed. How could it not, when lately, shed begun to harbour warm hopes of marriage? Shed learnt about it all in detail from British filmsthe talk, the laughteryet felt it was always someone elses fortune.
Then came a call from the centre. Why not try the dance studio? Perhaps, they suggested, she might prepare a duet.
Is that even possible? Completely mad, Ann muttered, slamming down the phone, convinced someone was having a laugh at her expense.
But, second callinsistence to give it a go, and if it didnt pan out, that would be that.
Fortune could smile on you! urged a hearty womans voice. Youre a laureate nowtime to stretch your wings! Weve arranged everything with social services, and someone will accompany you to rehearsal.
And who would I be rehearsing with?
Someone like yourself We have a few such pairs. This country has no forgotten souls! Anyone can find a passion to suit their life! The womans words came in such a rush, there was no room to interrupt and ask anything.
Well might as well try… Ann sighed.
Good. Ill ring tomorrowMargaret Johnsons my name, and I run the studio. Be ready after lunch to head to rehearsal. Therell be a special minibus collecting you.
Sure enough, next day, right on time, a glum, neat-moustached driver arrived. She went without her hat, not wanting to flatten the blonde curls Jane had painstakingly set. Already on the minibus sat a man in a wheelchairher planned partner, Alex. Anns cheeks flamed as she touched his handhow splendid it was, the strength of a mans grip.
At the centre, Jane and the driver helped her from the van, up the ramp, and into the studio. Alex wheeled himself expertly.
Their first rehearsal was all fumble and embarrassment. They sweated and blushed, following corrections, trying to twirl to the waltz, clumsy at every stephow humiliating, especially before the poised choreographer who moved like a dragonfly, before Alex, and the darting, diminutive Margaret. It was just the beginning, though. Through autumn and into winter, Ann clung to her rehearsals like a lifelineJane her steadfast shadow.
She even set the embroidery aside. Now, she lived for dancinglike her favourite job in the world.
Today was another rehearsal. Ann sat, nervously awaiting Jane. Jane arrived in a deep scowl, silent, like rehearsals were a great burden. Ann bristled, unable not to chastise her.
Whats with your long face?
Face isnt long at all, Jane snapped, but tried to smooth her brow.
Ann, noticing Janes mood, changed tack. Oh never mind! Were only fortyyou and I could still start families!
You with the families again… Been down that road. Seven years a husband suffered me, then leftno blame. Its punishment for chasing after men in my youth. Shame my parents never met a grandchild.
Past is gone. If I were you, Id have married again a hundred times by now!
Now youre just lecturingagain!
If marriage is off the cards, these days a child can be made artificially.
Requires a small fortune! You think Im rolling in cash?
But I heard on telly they now do such procedures on the NHS.
Lets talk later… What are you wearing to rehearsal?
Never lets me finish! Pink jumper and grey skirt!
For once, wear the performance dress! Why have it if you wont wear it? Its longyou need to get used.
Ill wear it at the final run-through. Id only dirty it on the bus!
Before the dress rehearsal, they practised longer than usual. On returning home, Jane wheeled Ann inside, helped her undress, sat her on a stool in the bath, and washed herexhausted but chattering. Anyone would think shed just won the lottery.
Drying her off and wrapping her in a dressing gown, Jane led her to the kitchen, brewed tea, set out sweets and biscuits. Ann didnt touch the treats. Suddenly, she asked:
What was your first time like?
My first time?
With a man Ann flushed scarlet.
Cant remember.
Dont lie. You were married for ages, and then there was Nick.
He called round a bit after the divorce, then found someone youngernot much to envy! Jane replied, a hint of bitterness.
I think Alex likes me, Ann blurted. The way he looks at me!
Dark-haired men always go for blondes. Dont kid yourself! Youll stir up your soul then regret it.
But what was it like?
Enough. Drink your tea and go lie down, you look pale!
Ann stayed silent. Jane realised Ann had caught the fever shed been warning her againstthat longing, that ache for more. Now shed cling to it. So Jane, after washing up, readied herself to go and warned at the door:
Ill lock up. Ill be back at lunchtime. Need anything from the shops?
You know just what I need Ann replied peevishly and shut her eyes.
Get some sleep. Dress rehearsal tomorrow!
Ann said nothing.
Thats what dancing does to you! Jane grumbled aloud but bit off saying more.
On the street, her thoughts turned softer: She needs someone of her own. People think the disabled are helpless and incapable, but look how Ann envies Nick! Shouldnt have spoken of him.
After Jane left, Ann regretted snapping. Still, Jane hadnt the patience even to listen. What was the harm? And who else was there to talk to about what gnawed at her heart? Shame I can’t write poetryId put it all into a verse, Ann thought, feeling tears prick and her chest tighten so much she could barely breathe. She shoved away thoughts of Alexbut they sprang up: his well-kept, chestnut hair, those deep brown eyes you could drown in. His strong, secure hands. At first, shed feared falling, but with Alex, nothing seemed scary. Praise became common”Good girl!” the choreographer would say, and it made Anns heart flutter with pride.
Shed mastered the dance, grown close to Alex, to Jane in the audience, even to the quirky caretaker always repairing the stage lights.
As the dress rehearsal loomed, Anns anxiety grewnot just for the show but what came after. Would she ever see Alex properly again? Would she ever have the ordinary happiness of inviting him home, letting the neighbours see she too had someone? Or was dancing the only taste of happiness shed be granted? She resolved to give her all tomorrow, for a flawless performanceso theyd always invite her back.
Come morning, Ann laid out her stage dress, double-checking the seams for snags. A deep violet, decorated with sequins and glass beads, the silk slipped through her fingers like water. She imagined herself on stage but what lay beyond, she barely dared consider. She just had to follow the music, watch Alex, and not let anyone say, What did you expect from someone like her?
She was drifting into daydreams when the key rattled in the lock.
Well, starlet, ready for the big dress rehearsal? Janes tone was mock-gruff.
I think so, Ann whispered, but Im terribly nervous.
Goodmeans you care. Right then, lets get moving.
They took ages to prepare and begged the ever-grumbling driver to come early, as Ann wanted to be first in her gown to get accustomed and squelch her nerves. Still, the nerves returned at the community halleveryone seemed to be watching Ann and Alex, who looked dashing in a black suit and bow tie, but accompanied by some unknown woman.
Backstage, preparing, Alex rolled up, kissed her cheek, and murmured:
Dont worry, well do great.
She nodded on instinct, not hearing his words, only aware of her cheek burning where his lips had pressed. She nearly closed her eyes, confused, until someone touched her shoulder. She looked upit was the woman with Alex, leaning on a cane.
Dont worry, youll be wonderful, she said gently.
Who are you? Anns insides twisted with dreadshe knew her presence was no accident.
Alex, arriving, seemed to guess her thoughts.
Ann, meet my wife, Susan.
Ann nodded stiffly. There it wasa wedding ring on his finger shed never noticed before. The words, the sight of the ring, shattered everythingher hopes collapsed as if theyd never existed. She couldnt breathethe room spun
When she came round, she gazed dully about, then slumped back in her chair.
What happened to Miss Fairclough? Whats going on? barked Margaret, their usually caring, pipe-smoking director, clearly panicking now.
She needs to go home, Jane said firmly. Shes had enough, surely you can see!
She needs a doctor, not home! Let her regain her senses, then shell go on stage. Weve put in half a year for this!
Perhaps hearing this, or perhaps instinct, Ann opened her eyes but she was mortified, saying nothing to anyone. Not a word, not on the bus, and before the house she nudged Jane:
Wheres Alex?
He stayed behind, still rehearsing his old dancehell perform that. And youwell, you folded like a lace bonnet. Dont fret. Its for the best. Thats what Father Luke always said. Jane tried to sound brisk, almost severe.
Ann bristled, hurt.
The grumpy driver and Jane manoeuvred Ann insideshe collapsed in her gown right onto the bed.
Done with the show, then? The driver grinned, first time ever.
All doneoff you go. Be happy, now clear off! Jane shooed him away and sat beside Ann. Will you tell me now what happened? She peered into Anns face.
Ann was silent long enough for the tears to flow; then she sobbed, Alex is married
Jane nearly laughed, having half believed something serious must have happenedit was just disappointment.
What, planning your future with him, were you, floating on air?
None of your businessleave me alone!
Jane sat awhile longer, but Ann burst out:
Go away! Never come back! Ill be fine without you! Youre a right Plague, you are!
Had Ann shouted with malice, Jane could have taken offence, but she only squeaked, as usual. Still, the words hurt. Years of care, and it came to this. Had Anns fancies really driven her to lash out at her only friend? Jane knew Ann had no close kin, and the distant ones kept away. Shed become family herself. But now Ann had thrown that away. Was such a thing possible? No one else would bother with Ann this way; other carers dashed in, dropped off groceries, tidied if needed, then gone. Jane spent weekends with Annwatched telly, made supper, did the washing, sometimes even stayed over. But nowshe was Plague, cruel. That stung.
Well, thanks, Ann Fairclough, Jane said bleakly.
Outwardly, she appeared composed, but her legs turned shaky on the way home. Tomorrow Ill ask to be reassignedIve had enough. Or Ill leave social care altogether! The nursery has openingsIve taught before, never was called any names there!
She tried to cook supper but couldnt, settled for tea and a biscuit, then lay on the sofa. The effort of the day with Anns dress rehearsal left her utterly drained. Drowsily, before sleep closed in, Jane thought, Let her fend for herself a day or two, shell soon change her tune. Shes so spoilt, the prize-winner, as if everyone should spin around her!
Jane finally dozed off, but was roused by the ringing phoneFather Luke. Darkness pressed at the windows.
Jane Goodwin, you must come at once. Ann needs an escort to hospital
Janes heart poundedshe recalled shed left Anns flat unlocked. Something serious, then. She dressed hastily and hurtled outside; crossing paths with the ambulance, she couldnt shake the dreadwhat if it was Ann inside? At Anns flats stood a police car, the vicar, and a few neighbours huddled.
Whats happened? Jane called to Father Luke looming in his tall hat.
It looks like poisoning She rang, said she felt dreadful, asked me to come. No explanation. I found her collapsed on the floorpills scattered about. Called the police and ambulance.
A wiry, dark-browed sergeant in an ill-fitting jacket stepped up.
And you are, Miss?
Im her carer Social workervisit Ann. Whats wrong?
She tried to take her own life.
What reason? She lives like an angel!
Somebodys pushed her to it. Well find out Have you got keys to her flat?
I have
Come on, then. We need to check appliances and lock up. Ill seal the premises, youll come to the station for a statement.
But I left less than an hour agoshe was all right.
Apparently not. Well compare your statement to hersif she survives.
Whats that supposed to mean?
He ushered Jane and the neighbours inside.
Switch off the fridge too, he commanded.
But all her food will go off! Jane protested.
Put it on the balcony.
When Jane stepped out onto the balcony, she spotted Anns mobile.
At least let me take it to her?
Leave everything as it is.
Jane followed all his orders. He sealed the door and then, after shed thanked Luke, ferried her to the police station. Jane wrote out her statement in full; the constable eventually cracked a smile.
Solove trouble, then?
What else, Lord help us?
Well, nothing for us to be tied up with. Youd best go home.
Instead of home, Jane took a taxi to the hospital. At A&E, she asked the duty nurse perched by the phone if Ann Fairclough had been admitted.
The one with the poisoning? Shes in resus now, but shes come round.
Thank heavens! May I see her?
No chancemaybe in a few days, and only when shes on the main ward. Theres a flu lockdown at the moment. Are you her sister?
Her friend…
Thats goodthought she had no one, replied the nurse, half asleep, half suspicious.
Can I bring her wheelchair? Shes disabled!
Were not short of wheelchairs, you know! Herethis is our number. Call before you visit. When shes dischargedthen you can bring it.
Jane returned home calmer but soon, her own flat seemed damp, cold and miserable. She kept glancing at the silent phone. Eventually she tried to rest, and next morning rang work, asked them to keep Ann on her caseload.
Shes still down for your visits, dont worry! her chief reassured, clearly in the know.
Every day Jane rang the ward, but there was never a word from Ann. On the fourth day, a strange woman called.
Miss Goodwin?
Speaking
Calling from the hospital Im Ann Faircloughs nurse. Shes asked for you. You cant visit her, but you can waveshes on Ward 2, third window from the left, facing the main entrance. Shell be there at one.
Thank you. Can I bring something?
Nothing. Hospitals on flu lockdown.
Not even flowers? Wasnt yesterday Mothering Sunday?
Nothing at all! snapped the nurse, slicing the words.
After seeing two clients, Jane reached the hospital at lunchtime. She hovered at the designated window, saw no one, felt a sting of disappointment. But then Ann appearedpale, gaunt, but with a gleam in her eyes. She tried to call out through the window, her chin hardly clearing the sill, but double glazing made proper talk impossible. For a minute, Ann waved and gestured, then held up a sheet of paper: SORRY, written in bold capitals. Jane waved back, scowling as if to say, No need to apologise, but her heart surged with joy to see Ann thawed and anger gone. Good show, Ann! At Anns sign to part, Jane, smiling reluctantly, waved, gestured for Ann to phone, and turning away at last, felt lightheaded with relief.
Lost in happy excitement, she crunched through the slushy snow along the battered pavement, dazed by a flood of emotion. The windows, the buildings, the square beyondall flushed with warm sunlight glinting from a distant golden spire atop the old church. Jane stood in awe at the gentle radiance, feeling for the first time a true spring had begun and the worst was over. The sense of freshness let her see the whole ordeal anewsoftening old wounds, making her forget the drudgery and heartbreak of recent weeks. Theres nothing more to grieve for now! she told herself, cheeks damp with the sting of happy tears. Another thought crossed her mind”Anns a stubborn goat, but thank God for her all the same.”
