The Grown-Ups Test
Polly, are you really not joining us for drinks to celebrate finishing the project? grinned Michael, giving her a conspiratorial wink.
Because, my dear chap, I happen to have a date tonight, Polly replied, a little sheepishly.
Well, I never! Michael was taken aback. Hed known Polly for five years, after all; she was a single mum and never struck him as the dating type. Oddor maybe hed just never noticed. Right then, lets not keep you! Hope it all goes swimmingly, he said, turning to the others. Shall we?
Yes!
Lets crack on!
Absolutely! everyone chorused, and they all headed eagerly for the pub.
Michael strolled along, smiling with the rest of them, but deep down, there was a tiny stab of jealousy. Jealousy? Ridiculous! He and Polly were strictly colleagues, friendsnothing more and never would be.
Strange business, this, Michael thought to himself.
* * *
He got home much later than usual that eveningsubstantially so. His children immediately pounced: Dads home! Dads home! And then out glided his wife.
Mike, finally! She hugged him tight and pecked his cheek.
Weve been on a wonderful walk and built a brilliant boatbut youre always off gallivanting! Cathy beamed.
Im earning a living, as it happens, Michael grumbled. And actually, I reserve the right to be late back as and when I choose!
Yes, darling, absolutely, Cathy agreed calmly.
And spare me the Spanish Inquisition tonight, he added, still sulking.
If youd asked Michael right then why he was being so grumpy and petulant, he wouldnt have been able to answer. He didnt know himself.
Mike, have you had a run-in with a hedgehog? Cathy teased with her easy smile.
And then Michael realised what he was doing. He wanted to wipe the smile off her face and make her feel just as out of sorts as he did.
No, just tired. Stick the dinner on, will you? He tried to sound normal, and when Cathy fluttered off to the kitchen, he sat on the shoe bench and buried his head in his hands.
What on earth am I playing at? he thought, horrified.
* * *
A few days later, the cloud began to lift. He told himself his annoyance was just disappointment that everyone hadnt gone out to celebrate the project ending. In particular, hed been miffed at Pollys absence.
Now, a new project loomed and he threw himself into it.
* * *
Polly, looks like youll have to stay on a bit tonight, Michael said one evening. I need those numbers.
Sorry, but Im off to my mums tonight, Polly shook her head. Its important. Ill come in early tomorrow and sort it all then.
Alright then, Michael nodded, hiding his irritation. What could possibly be more important than this project?
Is your mum ill? he asked, trying to justify it to himself.
She is, yes, Polly replied, eyes downcast.
He nodded. A poorly mumalright, that was fair enough.
But later, word reached him that her mother was absolutely fine. Polly had fibbed to dodge an evening at work.
Hang on, what? Why isnt she going to her mums? Michael asked, baffled, after his colleagues filled him in.
She isjust not alone, Olivia smirked as she beckoned Michael over to the window. Look, see for yourself
Standing alongside her, he watched as Polly left the building, and a young man wandered over to meet her. They linked hands and headed to his car.
A surge of jealousy hit Michael againmuch stronger this time.
Blimey. She really does have a fella! his mind raced.
Well, Michael did his best to sound unfazed, we finish at six, everyones free to do as they like after that.
He sank into his chair and tried to focus, but his brain had other ideas.
* * *
As time wore on, Michael grew increasingly jumpy. It went beyond a mild niggle. Whenever he heard Pollys voice or saw a message from her, his heart thudded like it used to years back when he first met Cathy.
Surely I cant have a crush? Michael mused, bemused and a bit terrified. He tried to ignore it, telling himself he was a grown manforty, in fact, with a family. He loved Cathywell, not in the old, heart-pounding way. It was more respect, trust, gratitude these days. That blazing, silly, magnificent love? That had long gone but maybe that was normal for everyone.
His anxiousness cranked up a gear. He noticed odd thingssitting up straighter whenever Polly entered, hoping shed notice. Striking up conversations, asking her for her thoughts, replaying those chats in his head as though searching for secret meanings.
One day a dangerous thought struck him: What if Id met her sooner? Before the kids?
And it jolted him like a live wirebecause he knew the answer. Yes, he would have left. Not instantly, but incrementally, step by step, with convenient excuses. Left everythinghome, the lotjust for the chance to be with her.
Guilt hit himhard, like a tidal wave, drowning whatever composure hed managed to hold on to.
He looked at the family photo on his deskCathy, the children, them smiling by the seaside. He was smiling, too. By all accounts, everything was right. So why did it feel like someone elses life?
He couldnt fathom his feelings. Why now? Why Polly? Theyd worked together three yearshed never so much as blinked at her that way before. Now? He couldnt switch off. Couldnt stop thinking about her.
His inner self was shattering. Everlasting values crumbling. He knew he didnt want to betray anyone or lose his family. He didnt want to destroy what he had. But he couldnt not feel what he did.
* * *
That morning he woke early. The room was still dark except for a slender strip of light sneaking past the curtains.
Michael lay there, eyes fixed on the ceiling, haunted by Polly. She seemed to live within him nowlike a splinter in his soul.
He remembered yesterday. Once again, shed left early with her boyfriend. Each time, it tore something inside him.
Im losing myself, he thought. If I dont put a stop to this, Ill lose everything. Not all at once, but bit by bit. Ill become cold. Angry. A stranger to the kids. A stranger to Cathy. A stranger to myself. Ill hate what Ill become. And then itll be too late.
He got up, got dressed, made himself coffee, and stared aimlessly out the window at the drizzly, deserted street. He felt more alone than ever.
Thats when he knew what he had to do.
* * *
What do you mean, youre moving to a different department? His whole team gathered roundeven Polly.
Its just come up. Theres a mess in that department, and Im going to sort it out, Michael replied.
So just for now, right?
Yes, just temporary, Michael nodded, though he knew full well nothing is as permanent as a temporary arrangement.
Hed considered quitting entirely, but why throw away a good salary and a promising career? A departmental swap would dofor a while, at least. Just long enough to break free from the endless loop: every look, every word from Polly making his heart stutter like a schoolboys.
He didnt want to be the tragic hero who loses everything over a flight of fancy. He didnt want to be one of those who say, Well, Im only human He knew hed get over herpainful at first, but it would pass.
That night, he told Cathy, I want to spend more time with you and the kids. Im done with working myself to the bone.
Whatseriously? Cathy eyed him sceptically.
Yes. I feel like Im letting time slip awaywith them, with you.
She didnt say anything, just smileda genuine, warm smile that made his heart ache in the best way.
He started taking the children to the park, picking them up from school, even going to their school eventsthings he used to dodge. He began talking with Cathy, really talkingabout his day, worries, even asking about hers.
Sometimes, he wondered, Why didnt I do this before? Why did I treat these things as chores when theyre really a chance to know the person beside me?
He didnt stop thinking about Pollythe thoughts just came less frequently. When he bumped into her at work, he felt just a tiny pang. Not pain. Not envy. Just a small reminder: there she was, someone he might have loved, but hed chosen his family. And he was glad.
* * *
Mike! Michael!
Michael was marching through the shopping centre towards the toy shop when he heard someone call. He turned and saw herPolly.
Mike! Where have you been? Weve all been waiting for your big return! Been a year, you know!
Michael grinned. He felt a flash of happiness at seeing Polly, but nothing else pulled at him.
Hello, Polly! Lovely to see you, he replied genuinely.
How are you? she asked.
Good. Nobetter than good, actually, he realised as he spoke.
Why didnt you come back to us? she pressed. You were the best boss.
Needed a change, he answered simply. What about you?
Oh, I got married! Hes a lovely blokesolid, reliable. My daughter adores him.
Michael nodded. No jealousy, just mild surpriselike spotting an old friend whos changed beyond recognition.
Im truly happy for you, he said, sincerely.
They chatted a while about old colleagues, office gossip, how the company was faring. Neither suggested meeting up again. They both sensed that whatever chapter this was, it had quietly reached its end, or perhaps the start of something new, just not together.
After they said their goodbyes, Michael moved on. Picked up a present, headed outside, got into his car. And then, finally, it dawned on him: he felt nothing for Polly now. No ache, no flutter, not even the urge to chuck everything and run away with her.
He looked aheadat the traffic lights, at people crossing the street, parents with children in hand. And for the first time in ages, he felt he was exactly where he belonged.
Not in some perfect movie romance. Not in a dream. Just in his messy, real life. Complicated, perhaps. But undeniably his.
* * *
Polly and Cathy stood side by side by the treadmills. Theyd ended up in the same gym group ages ago and kept bumping into each other.
How did your run-in go? Cathy asked, raising an eyebrow.
Polly shrugged. Oh, nothing earth-shattering. He wished me welland that was that. So, I suppose you win. Your husbands a diamond, you know.
I do, Cathy repliedwith a smile and a conspiratorial wink of her own.
