A FOREBODING OF TROUBLE
Julia awoke in the dead of night, eyes wide, haunted by a nameless dread. Perhaps it was a sinister dream, or simply a wave of inexplicable anxiety that clung to her like a heavy fog. Her chest tightened painfully, and without warning, silent tears slid down her cheeks. She couldn’t say why; the reason danced just beyond her grasp. Breathing suddenly felt like a chore, and an overwhelming sense of doom crashed over her, making her shiver.
She tiptoed to the cot where her tiny son slept, his innocent face soft with a smile, lips puckering as he dreamt. Julia gently tucked the blanket around him and slipped into the kitchen. The darkness beyond the windows was absolute, thick and impenetrable.
You cant sleep again, Julia? came Davids voice from behind her.
Not again, she whispered back, voice trembling. I just dont know whats wrong with me, David.
Probably the famous postnatal blues, her husband tried to lift the mood, an uneasy smile playing on his face.
I doubt it. Little Jamie is nearly six months old now. I havent felt low a single dayuntil now.
It could be anythinghormones, nerves. Try not to worry, love. Everything will settle.
Im scared, David, Julia murmured, burying her face in his chest.
He wrapped his arms around her, trying to absorb her fear. Itll be alright, Jules. I promise.
Three weeks later, Julia was called in for an appointment with their local GP. Jamie had just passed his half-year milestone, so this was part of the usual round of check-upsblood tests, specialists, the lot. The nurses call, though, sent a jolt of panic through her.
Is something wrong? she asked.
Dont worry, Julia, let the doctor explain, came the reply.
At the surgery, the wait dragged endlessly. The anxiety was building, closing over Julia like a wave. At last, they were called in, and Julia could barely keep her composure.
Take a seat, the doctor spoke softly. Julia Bennett, I need to tell you something. Dont be alarmed; we just need a few more tests.
Julias breath caught. All the shadows shed felt hovering seemed about to solidify. Whats happened? she managed.
The blood results are troubling, the doctor confessed. Jamies white cell count is far too high. Other indicators are worrying as well. We need further testsat a specialist hospital.
Which one? asked Julia, voice barely audible.
The county oncology centre, replied the doctor, gravely.
Julia remembered nothing of her journey home, not the people, not the blur of the city. David was waiting, having rushed from the office after reading her message.
What is it, Jules? he asked, worry etched into every line of his face.
Tears rolled down Julias cheeks; she didnt even seem to notice. Were being sent for tests at the cancer centre, she whispered brokenly.
David tried to bridge the terror with hope. It might be nothing. They just need to be sure. Its only checks
Its never only checks, Julia breathed, defeated. I felt something was wrong. I just didnt know what, or where it would come from.
She clung to Jamie and sobbed. The little boy stirred in his sleep, oblivious to this storm crashing into his world.
Acute leukaemia, the consultant finally said, scanning Jamies test results with a sorrowful gaze. We have to begin treatment at once.
Julias tears didnt stop. She couldnt absorb the reality; she was cut loose from the world, helpless. The first rounds of chemotherapy took place behind closed doors, Jamie in intensive care, Julia kept out in the corridor.
Go home, love, the nurse pleaded, touching her arm gently. You cant see him today.
I cant leave. What would I do at home without my boy?
Julia and David had married eight years before. They had struggled for years to have a childtests, clinics, nothing wrong, but no baby. Then, to their joy and disbelief, Julia became pregnant in their eighth year together. That was both the happiest and most fretful time of their lives. David doted on her, wouldnt hear of her lifting a finger. The last month, at the doctors advice, was spent in hospitalthere were worries about a premature birth. But in the end, half a year ago, Julia gave birth to a beloved little boy, naming him for Davids late father whod died tragically in a car crash.
Julia, love, you cant name a baby after someone lost in an accident, her gran said.
Oh Gran, thats old superstition, she laughed it off, too happy to let anything shadow her newfound joy.
Now, Julia sat by Jamies cot. He had withered over the month: cheeks drawn, skin pale and thin, with purple shadows under his eyes. Julia wept openly, never bothering to dry her tears. Theyd only let her into the sterile isolation ward after a heated argument with the head consultant. He objected, warning that Jamies immunity was dangerously low. But Julia simply couldnt be kept apart any longershed howled outside ITU doors until at last, someone relented. Now, she could just sit and gaze at her boy as he slept.
We cant do that operation here, said Dr. Henry Martin, the head consultant, bluntly.
Where do they do it? Julia asked, her eyes sharp with resolve.
Only in America. Your only chance is there. But its very expensive. Over four hundred thousand pounds.
Well find the money. Please, just prepare the records.
They sent off the files to a specialist hospital abroad. Soon an answer came: yes, theyd undertake the surgery, if the fee could be paidover four hundred thousand pounds.
Jules, even selling the house and the car wouldnt raise a quarter, David said, voice hollow, Ive put out an appeal, but its not quick enough.
Weve got less than two months, Julia cried. There has to be a way.
Everyone rallied. David and Julias colleagues, the local charity, friends, shops in the village. The council contributed, volunteers chipped inaltogether they scraped together just over half. Time was running low; they couldnt wait for more.
You have to go, Jules, David urged. Ill send whatever I can as soon as it comes in. Maybe therell be a buyer for the house.
The whole village was behind them, but such a sum was impossible to raise here.
With travel documents in hand, Julia and Jamie flew to the States. The funds they had weren’t enough, but treatment had to begintests, preparation, the looming cost. Julia willed herself not to think about the missing money, pinned her faith on a miracle. Jamie’s first birthday was in a month.
Next door in the hospital, a mother sat by her son, a little boy of three. By a twist of fate, theyd come from a neighbouring English town. Alice, the mother, had managed to raise the money for her son, Michael. But Michaels case was even tougher: his leukaemia had been caught late, and the disease kept racing ahead of the doctors. Again and again, the surgery was postponed.
Dont cry, Julia, Alice comforted her. Things will work out, youll see! Youll take Jamie to the circus, the zoolike I took Michael last year! He loved the bears, just sat staring for ages. I didnt know then he was ill. He had a nosebleed at the zoocouldnt stop it. Got scared, thought itd pass. Didnt act soon enough. By the time we took him in, it was already stage three. Oh, why didnt I see it sooner!
Alice, dont cry, please, youre righteverything will be alright! Well all go together to the zoo with our boys! Julia tried to reassure her.
But I saw he wasnt wellhe lost weight, went off his food, always tired! Mum told me something was wrongI just didnt want to believe it! Alice sobbed, inconsolable. And what words could Julia possibly offer to heal such pain?
A few days on, Michael grew worse. He was taken to intensive care, and Alice wasnt allowed to see him. She camped by the door, weeping, refusing to budge.
Alice, come on, get some rest, Julia pleaded.
NoI have to be here. He knows Im close, it makes it easier for him. He knows his mum is here, Alice insisted.
He knows, Alice, you dont need to be right there for him to feel it.
But Alice stood her ground. A nurse finally gave her a sedativeshe stopped crying, but simply sat, eyes hollow, waiting, hoping for a miracle.
That evening, David called. Julia rocked Jamie in her arms, cherishing every second, not knowing how many more minutes like these shed have.
Jules, Ive transferred a hundred thousand. Thats all I have for now. A couple came to view the house; I dropped the price. Theyll let me know.
Alright, Julia said quietly, but her words were cut short by a desperate scream echoing from the corridor. The phone fell from her hand. Jamie woke, cried briefly, then drifted back off in her arms as she soothed him. Placing him down gently, Julia rushed into the hallwayher dread already confirming what she didnt want to admit.
There was Alice, on her knees outside the childrens intensive care, wailing, staff fluttering around her, trying to calm her with water, an injection, anything. Julia had never seen such pain in anyones eyes. She understood everything.
Alice, hold on, please, Julia sobbed, holding her friends shaking body. You must carry oneven for Michaels sake!
Why bother? Alice screamed. Hes gone! My little boy is dead! Its all my fault! How am I supposed to live with that? Her grief was wild, savage, untamed.
Julia stayed with her until the sedation took full effect, then helped her to their room, dazed, spent.
Let her rest, the weary doctor said. There will be time enough for her tears later.
Julia didnt sleep that night. She sat by Jamie, listening to his gentle breaths, gazing at his peaceful face, wanting to gather memories to last a lifetime.
The next day, Alice visited, her tears spent, her face aged by ten years overnight. Her eyes were empty; the two women stood together, holding each other for a long time.
May everything turn out right for you, Alice whispered as she turned to leave. You have a chance, take it. I need to look after my son nowarrange his funeral, mark his grave Later, perhaps, youll read I cant say more, I just cant She pressed a sealed envelope into Julias hand.
Of course, Julia replied softly.
After Alice left, a deep loneliness settled over her. Jamie was taken away for procedures. Julia opened the envelope.
Dearest Juliait began, the handwriting tremblingI want Jamie to live. Let him live for my Michael as wellgrow, thrive, go to school Let him celebrate each new day, play football, go sledging. And please, go to our local zoo and visit the big black bearMichael loved him so. (Tears blurred Julia’s eyes; she brushed them away to finish reading.) You have a chance to live on. In this envelope is the money for the surgery. Michael doesnt need it now. I hope it saves Jamie.
Julia wept. She wept with happiness, because now there was a way to save her son; she wept with grief, because the price was more than she could bear.
David, dont sell the house! she told her husband over the phone the next day. Jamie and I will need somewhere to come home to!
But the money? David asked, astonished.
We have the money now. Everythings going to be alright!
For the first time in weeks, David let himself believe it, catching something strong and certain in Julias voicea promise of hope. Julia felt it too; she was sure.
The operation was scheduled the day after Jamies first birthday. Julia spent hours outside the ward, just as Alice had done. The prognosis in their case was positive. In time, Julia was allowed to be with her son; soon, they shared a room. There would be a month in isolation, then several more in recovery, but that didnt matterthe procedure worked. The worst was over.
Gradually, Jamie woke to the world again. He wanted his toys, started eating again, even smiled. The first time he managed to say something close to Mummy, Julia sobbed with relief. A miracle had happened.
Bear! Jamie exclaimed, pointing at the hulking black creature behind its fence.
Not Bearr, darlingbear! Julia said, laughing.
They had come to the city zoo, the very one Michael had loved. Julia approached the bears enclosure and whispered, Hallo there, big fella, a little hello from Michael. Jamie scampered about, laughing, eating ice cream, riding on Davids shoulders as he delighted in the animals.
Now, his world was filled with childish joys and new wonders. The hospital receded into the past. Only sometimes, late at night, would Julia steal to Jamies cot, holding her breath, listening to her boys calm, rhythmic breathing. The worry would ease. Ahead stretched a whole lifea chance for Jamie, and for the boy whose parting gift made all the difference.
