FOREBODING
Emily woke in the dead of night, unable to fall back asleep until dawn. She wasnt sure if it was some awful nightmare or just a nameless dread pressing on her chest, but the anxiety wouldnt let her rest. Her heart felt so heavy that tears started to roll down her cheeks, and for the life of her she couldnt understand why. It was hard to breathe, as a wave of pure, cold fear rushed over hera horrible sense that trouble was coming.
She slipped quietly over to her sons cot. Little Jamie was sleeping soundly, a wide grin on his face, making those adorable pouty little noises babies make. Emily gently tucked his blanket around him and then wandered off to the kitchen. Outside, nothing but darknessthe kind that seems to fill the whole world.
Em, cant sleep again? came Michaels voice from behind.
Its happening again. I just dont know whats wrong with me, Mike, she whispered.
Thats what they call postnatal depression, isnt it? he tried joking to lighten the mood.
I dont know. Jamies almost six months now, theres never been any sign of this before and now suddenly Im in pieces.
These things just happen! Hormones, stress Please, love, try not to worry. Itll all work itself out.
Im frightened, Mike, she murmured, burying herself in his arms.
I promise you, itll be alright, he whispered back, holding her tight.
Three weeks later, Emily got a call asking her to come see the local GP for Jamies check-up. Theyd just finished their six-month health assessmentsblood tests and all that. The nurses call caught Emily off guard.
Is something wrong? she asked, panic bubbling up.
Dont worry now, Emily, the doctor will explain everything, said the nurse gently.
At the GPs, the usual queue stretched down the hall, but Emily could barely sit still, nerves jangling. When they finally went in, she was on the edge of panic.
Take a seat, please, said the doctor quietly. Emily Williams, I do need to tell you something. Please, dont be alarmed, but well need to run a few more tests.
Whats happened? Emily breathed, and for the first time, all her dread zeroed itself into a single, terrifying moment.
Jamies results are concerning. His white blood cell count is much higher than it should be, and there are a few other worrying markers. We need to retestpreferably with specialists.
Where do we do that? Emily asked, her voice barely audible.
At the regional oncology centre, the doctor replied.
Emily barely remembered how she got home. Michael was already therehed left work the moment he got her text.
Em, whats going on? he asked desperately.
Tears slid silently down Emilys face, but she hardly noticed. Weve been referred to the cancer centre for more tests, she whispered, sounding defeated.
Maybe its nothingjust a precaution! Michael tried to sound reassuring.
Not just tests, Mike. Emily spoke through exhausted tears. I knew it. I felt something was wrong for weeks, I just didnt know what.
She gathered Jamie into her arms and wept. He twitched in his sleep, blissfully unaware of the storm looming over his tiny life.
Acute leukaemia, said the elderly consultant, studying the results. We must begin treatment immediately.
Emily was shattered. She couldnt comprehend it, not really. Chemotherapy began without herJamie was in intensive care, Emily pacing outside the doors.
Go home! the nurse pleaded with her. You wont be allowed to see him tonight. Please rest.
I cant! What will I do at home, away from my baby?! she cried.
Emily and Michael had been married eight years. It took them that long and countless testsnothing obviously wrong, everything looking normalbefore Emily finally fell pregnant, after all those anxious years. Michael had treated her like royalty the entire pregnancy, barely letting her lift a teacup. The last month, her consultant put her in hospital to be safe; there was a risk of early labour. Half a year before, Emily finally gave birth to a much-longed-for baby boy. Shed named him after Michael’s father, whod died in a tragic car accident several years before.
Em, you cant name a child after someone taken in an accident, her grandmother had warned.
Oh Gran, thats just old superstition, Emily had laughed. She was too happy to let any shadow cross it.
A month slipped by in the hospital. Jamie wasted awaycheeks lost their rosy glow for a frightening paleness, dark circles appearing under his eyes. Emily sat at his bedside, crying openly. She only got into the sterile isolation room after a scene with the head doctorhe insisted Jamies immunity was so weak even her presence was dangerous. But Emily couldnt be kept away any longershed spent too many nights howling outside the ward doors. Finally, they allowed her in for brief visits. Jamie slept on, and Emily simply tried to take in every moment.
We dont do that procedure here, Dr. Simon Price, the chief consultant, told her the next day.
Where do they do it? Emily asked, determined.
In London, at a specialist paediatric unit. But its extremely expensive.
Well get the money. Please, just prepare the referral.
They sent Jamies case files to one of Londons world-renowned hospitals. Soon a reply came: they could treat Jamie, but the cost was over £210,000.
Em, even if we sell the flat and the car, thats barely a quarter of it! Michael told her, clearly at a loss. Ive put an ad in already, but itll take ages to sell.
Weve got no more than two months, Emily sobbed. We have to find a way.
Everyone ralliedfriends, workmates, local charities, even strangers in the village chip in what they can. The council pitched in, volunteers set up fundraisers in the high street and online. Still, theyd scraped together just over half. Time was running out. There was no more room for delay.
Em, you go aheadtake Jamie. Ill keep sending money as soon as it comes in. Maybe someonell buy the flat soon! Michael urged.
The whole village pulled together, but the sum was staggering, and it felt impossible.
With passports and documents sorted, Emily and Jamie flew to London. It wasnt enough, but it would have to do. Jamie started pre-op assessments. Emily tried hard not to think about the ever-growing bill, clinging fiercely to hope. In a month, Jamie would turn one.
In the room next door, there was another mum with her little boy, three years old. Turns out, they were from the next town over. Sarah, the other mother, had managed to raise the full amount for her son Jacks operation, but their case was even grimmerJacks leukaemia was discovered late, it had advanced too far too quickly, and each time they scheduled surgery, he was too ill to go through with it.
Please dont cry, Emily, Sarah would comfort her. Youll take Jamie to the circus, and to the zooJack absolutely loved the bears last year, couldnt stop watching them for half an hour. I didnt even know he was ill then. He had his first nosebleed at the zooyoud think its nothing, but after several more we finally went to the hospital. Stage 3, they said. I shouldve noticed sooner!
Sarah, love, dont blame yourself, Emily would say, holding her friend tight. You and I will go to the zoo next summer with both the boysitll be alright, youll see.
But I did see something was wrong, Em! Sarah sobbed. Jack lost weight, stopped eating, was always tired. What took me so long? My mum kept saying somethings not right, but I didnt want to believe it! This is all on me! Emily could say nothingthe pain was too raw for words.
A few days later, Jack crashed and was taken to intensive care. Sarah wasnt allowed in. She sat in the corridor, rocking and crying her heart out.
Sarah, come and lie down, please, Emily gently coaxed.
I have to be here! Jack needs to feel me nearbythats how he gets through, knowing Mums just on the other side of the door! Sarah sobbed.
He knows youre close, I promise. Come on, at least a bit of rest But Sarah wouldnt move. In the end, a nurse gave her a sedativeher tears dried up and she sat, her eyes empty, just waiting and hoping.
That evening, Michael called. Emily was rocking Jamie in her arms, making the most of every second with himeach day felt so precious now.
Em, Ive managed another £1,000, Michael said. That couple looked at the flat again, said theyll let me know in a few days. I dropped the price.
Alright, Emily replied quietly, when suddenly a wail split the corridor outside. She dropped the phone. Jamie woke crying, but settled again after a cuddle. She laid him back down, then darted out. She already knew what had happened, but couldnt accept it. There, at the ICU doors, Sarah was on her knees, keening with a pain Emily had never witnessed before. Nurses hovered, tried to get her to drink something or offer her another injection. But she was inconsolable.
Sarah, hold on, Emily whispered, hugging her friend tight. Youve got to live for him.
Whats the point now? Hes gone, Em! Its my fault, all my fault! How can I ever go on? Sarah wailed.
Emily stayed with her until the sedative took effect, then helped her return to her room.
Let her rest, said the duty doctor tiredly. There will be time enough for tears.
Emily didnt sleep that night. She couldnt bear to close her eyes, just in caseshe held Jamies hand through the bars of his cot, full of longing and dread.
The next day, Sarah came by. She wasnt crying anymore, but looked years older, an empty look in her eyes. The two women hugged, standing silently for a long while.
I hope everything works out for you, Emily, Sarah whispered before leaving, her voice little more than a breath. You have a chancegrab it with both hands. I have to get things ready for Jacktheres the funeral, the ninth day, the fortieth Ill visit his grave, put up a headstone. Youll read the letter later, when Im goneI cant say it out loud, she said, handing Emily a sealed envelope. Emily nodded, too choked to speak.
Afterwards, the sadness nearly overwhelmed Emily. Jamie was off having his daily procedures.
She opened Sarahs letter:
Dear Emily, it began, the writing shaky. I want more than anything for Jamie to live. I hope he can live for both himself and my Jackgrow up, run, play football, race down snowy hills. Please, take him to our zoo one day and say hello to the big black bear for me! Theres enough money in this envelope for Jamies operationits for him now, not for us. Let this help Jamie get well.
Emily wept, both with joythere was now enough for Jamies operationand with grief, because the money had come at such a price.
Mike, dont sell the flat! she rang Michael the next day. Well need somewhere to come home to, for me and Jamie!
But where did you get the money? Michael sounded bewildered.
We have it. Everything will be fine! she whispered, and Michael, for the first time in weeks, actually smiled. There was something in Emilys voice that gave him hope. She believed it nowtruly believed it.
Jamies surgery took place the day after his first birthday. Just like Sarah, Emily spent her days by the doors of ICU, waiting and holding on to hope. But this time, the news was good. Eventually, mothers were allowed visits, then Jamie was moved back in with Emily. There followed a month of quarantine and a few more months rehab, but none of that matteredthe operation was a success. Jamie was coming back to life: grabbing for toys, starting to eat, even breaking into shy little smiles. The day he managed a soft mummy, Emilys heart nearly burst with happiness. Miracles do happen.
Bear! Jamie pointed at the hulking black animal in its enclosure.
Not bear, darling, its bear! Emily laughed, correcting him.
They were at the city zoothe same one where Jack had watched the bears.
Hello there, Mr Bear, from your old friend Jack, Emily murmured to the animal.
Jamie ran, laughing, eating ice cream, riding on Michaels shoulders and studying all the animals with wide-eyed wonder. His life was bright again, packed full of little joys and adventures. The hospital corridors faded into the past, and only now and then, in the middle of the night, did Emily quietly check on her sleeping son, reassured by his gentle breathing. The fear slipped away, slowly but surely. Ahead of them stretched a whole new lifeone filled with hopes, with dreams, with sunlight, lived for Jamie and for the little boy who had, in the end, given him a second chance.
