After saying that I still have to sit here, pretend everythings fine and smile? No, carry on without me! Natalie slammed the bedroom door.
Shed woken up this morning a good way before her alarm. Without even opening her eyes she thought, Todays the big40. That number used to feel like a distant mountain, something you only heard about in other peoples lives. Now it shows up every morning in the mirror, in the fine lines around her eyes and the tired look in her gaze.
Stephen was still breathing softly beside her, not moving a muscle as Natalie slipped out from under the covers. He was deep in his sleep, while his interest in her seemed to be dwindling year by year. She glanced at the clock:5:30am. Plenty still to do before the guests arrive.
After quietly closing the bedroom door, Natalie headed for the kitchen. Today their flat was supposed to become the meeting point of two worlds his friends and her relatives. Years had passed and the feeling of real togetherness had never quite clicked. Her own friends had long disappeared into their own lives, while Stephens crew stayed the same: the same faces, the same topics, over and over.
She put the kettle on and opened the fridge. The night before shed been chopping, marinating meat, prewashing veg and laying out all the salad fixings. Now she had to turn that into a proper birthday spread. Usually theyd order in or hit a restaurant, but this was a milestone, and Natalie wanted a cosy, homemade vibe.
Mum, do you have two hundred pounds? a voice called from the hallway.
Sixteenyearold Kyle stood there, still in his jeans and Tshirt, looking a bit rumpled.
Where are you off to so early? Natalie asked, pulling a note from her wallet.
We were planning a bike ride, Mom. Early, so we dont get burnt out. Ill be back in the evening, just in time for the party.
Kyle, remember what today is?
He hesitated, then gave a guilty grin. Of course, your birthday. I just didnt want to wake you up, thought Id give you a proper shout later.
And you dont want to stay and help? Ive got a mountain of stuff to do
Kyle sighed. Mum, wed agreed Id be out. Ill be back in time, right? Isnt Emma coming to help?
Shes still at the cottage with a friend, should be back before six.
Alright You always manage better than anyone, he shrugged.
Natalie exhaled. She used to be proud of holding everything together, but now it just wore her down.
Go then. Be home on time.
Kyle planted a quick kiss on her cheek and vanished. A few seconds later the front door banged open.
By nine a.m. Natalie was in fullon prep mode. The oven was heating for the roast, veg waited to be sliced, and the cheesecake batter was resting under a cloth. The air smelled of fresh coffee and herbs.
Morning, Stephen called, shuffling into the kitchen in his old trainers. What are you up to this early?
As you can guess, she answered, a hint of weariness in her tone, guests are due at six. Its a lot.
You could have slept a bit more. Its your day, after all. He poured himself a mug, Happy birthday, love. He leaned in, giving her cheek a quick kiss that smelled of mint and his familiar aftershave.
Thanks, Natalie said, hoping for at least a small gesture or a question like, Anything I can do for you?
Stephen was already scrolling his phone at the table.
Youre off work today? she asked, cracking eggs.
Nope, its a day off. Thought Id pitch in at home for a change.
Great, could you help set the table?
Sure, as soon as Im done with the news, he muttered without looking up.
Three hours later Stephen had slipped into the living room, glued to a football match, shouting commentary. Natalie kept chopping, mixing, baking, thinking, Forty years, and this is how I spend it
Exactly three oclock the front door rang. She wiped her hands on a towel and opened it to find her younger sister, Emma, holding a bunch of red carnations.
Happy birthday, love! Emma said, hugging her. I got here a bit early to lend a hand. Still cooking?
Ive been on my feet since dawn, Natalie replied, ushering Emma inside. Guests are due at six, but its lovely to see you.
Emma glanced at Natalies plain tee and faded jeans. Wheres the fancy outfit?
Natalie waved her hand. Theres no outfit, just salads not finished, a cake not iced, and the table not set
Emma surveyed the kitchen, then turned to the hallway. And Stephen? Isnt he in the loop?
He is busy.
From the living room came a gruff voice: What are you doing, you useless
Emma rolled her eyes. Fine, Ill get him to help.
She marched into the living room, booming something at Stephen that Natalie didnt bother to catch. Soon Stephen appeared, looking a bit annoyed.
What do you need? he growled.
Could you set the table in the dining room? Natalie said calmly. Emma, could you help him with the dishes, please?
The next few hours passed with few arguments. Under Emmas firm direction, Stephen grudgingly followed instructions, occasionally disappearing into the TV but generally getting things done. By fivepm the main tasks were finished. Natalie finally felt the exhaustion hit: her shoulders ached, her legs throbbed, and there was still an evening of celebration ahead.
Go change, Emma said gently, nudging her toward the bedroom. Ive got this.
Natalie walked to the closet where a darkblue dress shed bought especially for tonight waited. It was elegant, with a nice cut, but she lacked the energy and desire for makeup or a fancy hairstyle. She slipped on her usual black work dress, freshened her face, touched up her lips, and headed back just as the doorbell rang.
By six the flat was buzzing with guests parents, longtime friends of the couple, Stephens colleagues, and a few kids. Emmas friend, Paula, arrived with a trendy cake from a boutique bakery, and Kyle brought a greeting card hed bought on the way home.
Natalie greeted everyone with a strained smile. Her head was buzzing, and she couldnt even step into the bathroom for a quick pill; people kept asking for this or that. Then Stephen suddenly perked up, laughing, cracking jokes, pouring drinks, and hugging Natalie every time someone toasted her.
Finally everyone sat down. Natalie served the roast, her signature dish.
Nat, maybe we dont need so many salads, Stephen murmured as she ladled out the potato salad. Theres already enough mayo.
He didnt finish, but a quick glance at her waist said more than words. Natalie felt her cheeks flush. Emma, sitting nearby, gave Stephen a brief, knowing look.
The meats a bit dry, Stephen announced loudly, cutting into a slice. Probably left in the oven too long.
Its perfect, really, Natalies mother interjected.
Im not being harsh, Stephen held up his hands. Last time it was juicier, thats all.
Natalie said nothing, silently chewing while staring at her plate. What should have been a cosy evening turned into a subtle humiliation in front of everyone.
One by one people raised their glasses: career wishes, beauty and youth, health and patience. When Stephen stood, he lifted his glass.
I want to wish my wife a happy 40th. Its a serious age, but Natalies holding up splendidly for her years. Still got a lot of life left in her He chuckled, then added, though she could probably look after herself a bit more, but we love you, love. The room fell into an awkward silence, glasses lifted halfheartedly, eyes avoiding Natalies.
She stood slowly. Thanks for the wishes, she said quietly and walked out of the room.
The hallway buzzed with hushed chatter, then settled back into normal chatter. No one followed her, not even Stephen.
Natalie stopped in front of the mirror. She saw a tired woman, hair a mess, eyes dulled. When had she stopped being herself? How had she let it happen?
She opened the wardrobe, pulled out the darkblue dress, slipped it on, adjusted the neckline, brushed the dust off the earrings Stephen had given her years ago when his words were still sweet. She found the heels shed worn on her wedding day; they still fit perfectly.
She grabbed her phone and dialed a familiar number. Hey, its me. Its my birthday I know its sudden, but could we meet? I dont want to be alone tonight. How about the Palermo café in half an hour? She booked a table, hung up, and looked at herself again. This time she saw a different Natalie straight posture, clear eyes, a faint smile. Confidence was creeping back.
When she walked back into the living room, everyone fell silent. All eyes turned to her. Stephen stared, startled. Wow, look at you! he blurted, Now thats a proper birthday look. Why didnt you change earlier? Come over!
For the first time all day Natalie smiled genuinely. No, Stephen, Im not staying.
What? Why? he asked, confused.
After everything thats been said, do I have to sit here and pretend Im enjoying it? No. Im going to celebrate my way. A taxi will be here in a few minutes. Im heading to a restaurant with a friend.
Youre making this up! What humiliation? It was a joke! Stephen waved his hands, looking for backing from the crowd.
Every joke has its limit Natalie began, then stopped. Never mind. Im leaving. Thanks to everyone, have a good night.
She turned toward the door. Emma caught up with her in the hallway.
Natalie, maybe you shouldnt? Emma whispered. He didnt mean to hurt you
Natalie, Emma said, eyes meeting hers, Ive heard this for sixteen years. Maybe he didnt mean it, but Im done tolerating it, especially on my day.
Natalie squeezed Emmas hand and walked out.
The stairwell was quiet and cool. With each step down, it felt like a weight was lifting, breathing became easier. No more holding back nothing could stop her now.
What lay ahead, she didnt know. Maybe Stephen would finally understand, maybe not. But at forty, Natalie finally felt alive.
Outside, the evening air was warm. A taxi waited at the curb. She slipped into the back seat, told the driver the address, and felt her phone buzz with a missed call from Stephen. She didnt look, just muted it.
Tonight was hers alone, and shed decide exactly how to live it.
