Today marks the anniversary of a turning point in my life, and I feel compelled to write about it.
Emily was an orphan, raised in the bustling streets of London within a modest childrens home. She married at eighteen, woefully unprepared for what it meant to be a wife or to live within a family. She had no close friends who were married, no role models, and so everything about family life felt foreign.
Stepping into her husbands flat in Manchester for the first time, Emily was eager to absorb every bit of advice she could find about how to be the ideal wife. Her main guide became her mother-in-law. Emily had heard plenty of tales about difficult mothers-in-law, but she truly believed that since she never had a mum of her own, her husbands mum would fill that gap and care about her wellbeing.
She wasnt entirely wrongher mother-in-law did not bear her any ill willbut things unfolded differently. With great enthusiasm, she began teaching Emily the rules of married life, including the infamous: If your husband has an affair, youre to blame.
Why? Emily had always thought the person who cheats is responsible for their choices. But her mother-in-law painted another picture: a wife is at fault simply for neglecting herself and losing her husbands interest. To ensure she never fell short, her mother-in-law told her to keep a slender figure, even into old age. Emily dutifully scribbled in her diaryDont gain weightand joined a fitness club.
Emily was already lean and well-proportioned, but anxious about her appearance, she began to lose even more weight. When she succeeded at this task, her mother-in-law offered fresh wisdom: In a real family, both partners work.
This made sense to Emily; shed always wanted to be productive. She was willing to accept any job she could find. When Emily asked what happened during maternity leave, her mother-in-law responded, Thats your problem. You must sort it yourself!
Emily didnt jot that one down, but years later, when she took maternity leave, she worked part-time and picked up some babysitting. She felt good, but her husband and his mother began complaining that she wasnt earning enough.
Emily decided it wouldnt hurt to spend a little of her money at the hairdresser, but her mother-in-law swooped in again: When youre on maternity leave, theres no need for fancy clothes! You can return to fashion and makeup once youre back at work, but now you must save.
She always handed her earnings to her husband. Through all their years, the echo of her mother-in-laws advice rang clear: A good wife can manage all the housework on her own!
So Emily did just that. She tackled every household chore single-handedly, until exhaustion started to wear her down. Often, after the youngest child was finally asleep at nine, she would clean the flat and prepare meals for the next day, while her husband, who earned the money and therefore needed his rest, was deep into his tenth nap.
It was no surprise when Emily eventually ended up in hospital. She had ignored early aches, never suspecting they were the symptoms of something more serious. She stayed in hospital for over two weeks. Neither her husband nor his mother visited her during that time. Thankfully, her phone was at her side. She rang her old friend, who kindly brought her everything she needed.
When Emily returned home, she immediately filed for divorce.
Looking back, I realise how deeply damaging it can be to ignore ones own needs for the sake of appeasing others. Self-respect and a balanced partnership are essential. If I learned anything from Emilys journey, its that sacrificing your health and happiness for someone else’s expectations is never the recipe for a real family.
