Difficult Happiness
“What do you mean, we’re getting divorced? Dennis, is this some sort of joke?”
Olivia stared at her husband, utterly bewildered. Divorce? After nearly twenty-five years together? Their anniversary was just two weeks away… were they not celebrating after all? Her mind reeled. What about the party, the guests? Invitations had already been sent. Everyone was comingfamily from all over, friends constantly calling, asking what to bring as gifts. Even Julia, her dearest friend, already posted her parcel. A shame she couldnt come herself; being six months pregnant meant flying was out of the question. Better she stays home. Theyd celebrate together later. It was Julia, after all, whod introduced Olivia to Dennis. Julia met Dennis at university, and had been shamelessly loud at their wedding, crying, Kiss!, while hiding behind Olivias bouquetthe very one Olivia hadnt even thrown but had handed straight to Julia.
I dont understand why your Nick is dragging his feet. Hell miss out on a real gem, Olivia once teased.
Oh, he wont go far, Julia replied, adjusting Olivias hair. Everything in due time, Liv. Hes just not ready yet. Why force it and get stuck with an unripe husband, only to end up divorced in a couple of years? People think a house, a car, and even children can fix things, but you just end up splitting it all up in the end. Id rather wait until hes ready.
Bit optimistic to plan two years ahead, don’t you think? Olivia giggled, watching Julia fiercely touch up her makeup.
If Im going to do something, Liv, I do it wholeheartedly.
And kids? Straightaway?
Yes! I want twins. Get it over with in one go! It runs in the family.
But you still have to raise the set, Jules!
Easier than one! Julia insisted.
Why? Olivia pressed, always fascinated by Julias logic. Julia had always been the clever, practical one. When they caused mischief as girls, it was anyone but Julia who got caught. She was skilled at making sure everyone got away unscathedunless someone tried being too clever. Then, Julia would stand back and let them learn their lesson.
Its simple, Liv. Healthy competition, a playmate, and the status of mum of the year for raising twins! Isnt that enough?
No more! Olivia laughed, almost certain Julia would get everything she wanted.
And so she didthough fate had a sense of irony. Instead of twins, Julia had triplets. Lifes little test, perhaps, to see if she was up to the challenge.
Julia handled it brilliantly. By then her husbands family were thoroughly on her side. She was never one to be overawed by anyone, but shed lend a hand whenever neededusually by gently prodding her husband to pull his weight. Therell come a time when well need help in return, and what then? Better do a favour now, darling, and everyones happy.
And so, when Julia needed help with the children, two grandmothers and a grandfather (her mum and her husbands parents) were ready to babysit at the drop of a hat. With her children strong and safe, Julia even enrolled at university.
Julia! Are you out of your mind? When are you going to fit all this in? Olivia gasped.
Whos going to give a bad grade to the mum of triplets? My brain wont rot while Im home, and when I finish, Ill be a jack of all trades. Whats not to love?
Julia graduated and found a job, telling her future boss the salary would just about cover a nanny.
But is it enough, Jules? What will you have left?
I dont even need a nanny yet, but the boss doesnt need to know that. I need experience, Liv. A certificate means nothing if you havent got practical skills. Better to start on the minimum and move up once I know my stuff.
Watching her friend, Olivia always wondered: how do some women manage to do it all, unstoppably, without tiring? Olivia, even as a child, struggled with decisionseven over what tights to wear.
But once you do make a decision, you stick with it. Thats what makes you so reliable, Julia reassured her. Youre steady, Liv. Thats the most valuable quality.
Steady. Dennis certainly put that to the test now! How could he do this? Why? Their marriage was happy… as happy as it could be, considering they hadnt been able to have children. Still, theyd accepted it. Olivia had once volunteered at childrens homes and realised she couldnt adopt; not out of lack of strength or means, but because she worried she wouldnt love the child enough. She couldnt explain itjust a sense that being a mother took more than good intentions.
You just havent met your child yet, said Mrs. Shepherd, director of one childrens home Olivia helped. When you see yours, youll know, and nothing will stop younot problems, nor fear.
And if I never do? What if Im not meant to be a mum?
Better that than to bite off more than you can chew and make two miserable people: you and the child. Ive seen enough of that. See Tom there? Hes been returned twice.
Returned? As in… by parents? How?
First adopted, then they had a child of their ownsadly, not uncommon. The second family just didnt have the capacity; too many children already. Poor Tom just stopped eating, begged to come back to ussaid, They dont love me. Hes lost trust in everyone now.
The story left Olivia reeling, tempted to take Tom home herself. Only Julias words held her back.
Be honest, Livif you only feel pity, dont do it. Or youll be another person who betrays him. You wouldnt want that for Tom, or for yourself.
So Olivia withdrew, helping from afar. Still, she thought about Tom; he became a reminder to live cautiously, never to hurt anyone if she could help it.
Olivia hugged her shoulders, shivering. So coldthough it was only autumn, the radiators were already on. What now? Should she help Dennis pack? Warm clothes, perhaps? The English autumn would soon turn, summer gone in a blink. She thought of her mum, down in Devonnever cold there, always a mild winter in a light jacket. She missed her terribly and suddenly longed to run away with her into the hills, just to be alone and free. But Mum was gone, and now so was Dennis.
She didnt want this so-called freedomshe wanted a husband beside her. The way it used to be: coffee at dawn, or at midnight if the mood struck, long talks into the night, sudden trips to the theatre or the countryside. The best days had been the unplanned ones, Dennis calling from work:
Liv, busy?
Swamped! Two interviews, then off to the bank.
Lets leave it all. Come wander with me?
Shed drop everything and an hour later, theyd walk the woods in companionable silence. Those moments were her happiness.
Now that happiness belonged to the past. Dennis would move onwith the woman expecting his baby. Was that the real reason for the divorce? Or had their marriage always been a lie? The first, Olivia might come to terms with; the second she could not bear. It would mean shed failed to make him happy after all these years.
Olivia stood at the kitchen window, her knees pressed to the hot radiator, frozen. She heard Dennis moving about, opening drawers, packing. She trembled so much that the lone plant Julia once gave her shuddered to the edge of the sill. When the front door slammed, Olivia unclenched her fists and gripped the sill with white knuckles, then straightened, swept the flowerpot to the floor and screamed.
It didnt help; but the spilled soil and broken pot brought clarity. Yesit was all black right now. There was no light, none at all. Hed left, closing the door, and she was utterly alone. Shed have to feel her way forwardno guide, no signposts to help her.
Except one.
Forcing herself away from the radiator, she crossed the shards barefoot, unmindful of pain, made it to the bedroom and grabbed her phone.
Juuules…
Not quite a sobmore a deep, howling moan. That was all Julia needed to hear.
Dennis gone?
Yes…
“Right. Ill see you tomorrow.”
“Have you lost your mind?” Olivia snapped to attention at Julias brisk tone. Absolutely not! Please, Jules, dont. If something happens to you or the baby… Waitdid you know?
Not for sure, but I had a feeling. Last time I saw Dennis, he couldnt meet my eyes. It all makes sense now. Livthis is for the best.
How is this for the best? I have nothing left. Nothing! My lifes in ruins… What am I supposed to do?
Buy a dress.
What? Olivia nearly dropped her phone.
Buy it, Liv. The one you wouldnt spend the money on. Do it now, and show me later. Dont sit at home and howl, it wont fix anything! Buy the dress, then get on a train or plane. Well go to the hillsdont be selfish, I need this as much as you. Kids are off at sports, Nick is away for the week. Its now or never. Ill be waiting for your travel details in half an hourdont stress a pregnant woman!
Julia hung up, leaving Olivia staring at the phone. What now?
The answer came on its own. Olivia stood before her mirror, taking stock. Not a girl anymore, not an old woman yet. There was still something leftshe could see it. If Dennis thought shed curl up and waste away, he was wrong. Julia was right. Time to move!
She sent messages, canceling everything. Rang the restaurant, called off the plans.
Then grabbed a broomforgetting, in her state, about the two vacuum cleaners upstairsand cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. The new flowerpot could wait.
The dress fit like it was made for her: bright scarlet, nothing like her usual soft shadescolours Julia always favoured, bold as ever. Suddenly she wanted to stand out, to claim the attention shed always shied away from.
This Olivia was different: tired, upset, shaken, but not broken. There was still warmth in her, and no one could take that away.
The journey southward was a shambles, with train changes, but Olivia didnt mind; the distraction helped.
Their trip was exactly what she needed. She and Julia stomped over every nearby hill, sometimes quiet, sometimes talking over each other, not wanting to miss a moment. Gradually, Olivia began to find her footing again. Julias advice put everything in perspective, making old struggles fade and simple things come to the fore.
“Come back, Liv. Why stay there alone? There’s always more children here, more need for centres. Your fathers health is failing too, isnt it? Now you can bring him close without turning everything upside down.”
Olivia thought it over. By the end of their impromptu holiday, the answer seemed clear.
So came the divorce, selling the flat, the car, dealing with the pile of legal documents for her business. She tried to separate emotion from necessity, met Dennis only as needed, and finally deleted his number, ordering herself to let go.
Devon greeted her with real springapple blossom floating, sun everywhere. Finally, Olivia could breathe again. She bought her own place near her father, knowing it was best for him to have his space. His new companion, Mrs. Lovegood, was nothing to be resented; her gentle smile made it clear why Olivias father had found comfort again after her mothers passing.
Watching her father potter in the garden while she shared tea with Mrs. Lovegood, Olivia dared to hope. If her father had found someone late in life, maybe her own chance was still out there, just waiting to be discovered.
A year flew by. The two children’s centres Olivia opened kept her busy. She changed everythingher style, her hair, even bought the dog shed dreamed of. But sometimes, come evening, a heaviness would creep in and shed wish for Dennis to walk in, flick the light, touch her shoulder: Everything alright, Liv? Lets have a cuppa and talk.
She knew it was wrong to look back, but couldnt quite let go.
Then, a tax issue from her old business popped up. Instead of dreading it, Olivia was almost glad: something to do. She sorted it in a day, leaving her an unexpected day free in London.
She strolled through the old neighbourhood, not sure why, drawn back to the streets where shed once been happyor unhappy, depending on how you looked at it.
One of her centres had closed, but another was thriving. Watching the children through the window, she smiled as the young teacher mimed a bear and the kids squealed in delight. That was what matteredmaking a difference.
She wandered to their old building, the playground shed once imagined playing in with her own children, the park theyd strolled on Sundays. Almost unconsciously, Olivias path turned in. As she wandered, she saw himDennisslouched awkwardly on a bench by the fountain, rocking a pram.
At first she hardly recognised him; his hair fully silver now, shoulders somehow shrunken by sadness. But she knew that look. She couldnt stop herself hurrying overshed always known how to help Dennis, what to say.
Dennis?
He startled at her voice, hiding deeper in his collar.
Hello, Liv.
She sat down awkwardly. How are things?
It sounded foolish, but she didnt move. Dennis stopped rocking the pram and, after a long pause, looked up.
Not great, he admitted. Im alone, Liv. I messed everything up. All because of a mistakeone nightand now its all gone.
Liar, she said gently. Youve got more than you gave me. She nodded at the pram. A boy or girl?
A daughterEve.
A daughter, a new lifewhat else do you need?
Theres no new wife, Liv. Mila passed away. Complications with the birth.
Olivias heart stilled. Oddly, she felt no anger for Mila, only sadness for a young woman whod tried to make a new life. Dennis, who almost never drank, must have just been caught in the wrong moment that night, and the resulttheir daughternow slept peacefully as Dennis rocked the pram.
They sat in silence, until, tentatively, they spokeat first over one another, then finding a rhythm, words tumbling out. Eve soon woke, blinking at the lighting park and the first evening stars.
Olivia rose to peek at the childs face, and a memory echoed: “When you see your child, youll know.” Mrs. Shepherds words.
Six months later, Mrs. Shepherd quietly brought a dark-haired, serious boy to her office, nodded at Olivia, and left them alone.
Michael, do you know why Im here? Olivia asked.
For me.
Do you want to live with me?
I dont know. I dont think you will take me.
He inspected her without hope, though when she asked, a spark flickered in his eyes, vanishing when she showed him a photograph.
Is that your husband?
Yes.
And that your daughter?
No, Michael. Not my daughter.
But Olivia let the spark return.
Shes not mine, Michaelnot yet. But Ill be her mother. And yours, if youll let me.
Youll send me back.
Why?
Everyone does.
Im not everyone, Michael. Do you know why?
No.
Because I know what its like to lose everythingwhen nothing and no one loves you anymore. It hurts.
I know.
And you know what a mum is, Michael?
No.
Its someone who would never let her child be hurt like that.
Do you just feel sorry for me?
Olivia studied him, then shook her head.
No, Michael. I dont want to pity you. I want to love you. And I want Eve to have an older brotherone whos brave, one wholl protect her. Do you think we can do that?
He was silent, eyes searching her face. She seemed bright and kind, but he could tell she knew sorrow too. He reached out and touched her sleeve, entranced by the bright red fabric.
Do you like it?
Yes.
I do, too. I bought it when I felt awfuland you know what? It helped. Now, I love this colour.
I like it too, Michael said, caressing the material. Ill try.
No trying, Michael. We’ll just do it. You help me, and Ill help you. Im not a mother yet, not really, but I want to befor you and Eve. Will you let me?
Michael nodded, and Olivia felt a weight lift.
A few years on, a little family wound their way up a rocky path. The dark-haired boy kept a playful eye on his energetic little sister, who tried every few minutes to dart off.
“Eve, theres wolves in the woods here! he teased.
No there arent!
There are! And bears. Huge, hungry ones.
“Mum, did you feed the bears porridge?” Eve piped up.
Not yet. Shall I?
“Not your lumpy porridge!” Eve pouted.
“Sneaky thing!” laughed Olivia, swinging Eve into her arms. “Maybe the bears would love my porridge, lumps and all!”
Give them my breakfast then! And the honey, too! The one you bought yesterday!
No chance! Olivia grinned. But are you going to walk, or ride all the way?
Carry me!
Then hop to Daddy!
She passed Eve to Dennis, ruffled Michaels hair.
Michael, shall I cook for all the bears tonight?
“Mum, let’s keep some to ourselvesif Eve starts feeding the wildlife, well never get out of the hotel!”
Laughter echoed across the field, soaring into the bright morning air.
And so the day began, as bright as a red dress, with hope and happiness, and a new lesson learned: to have difficult happiness is still happiness, and sometimes, when everything falls apart, it means your real life is just beginning.
