Cockroaches

Cockroaches

Cockroaches were jitterbugging in Marys head, spinning a merry, riotous jig.

They clicked their little legs, flashing imaginary lamps and stomping two steps forward, three claps to a tune growing louder and livelier inside Marys mind.

Usually, Marys cockroaches were gentle-mannered. Quiet, dignified, almost aristocratic, those in her mind danced with just the right amount of mischief. Mary had long cultivated their peculiar genetics and, to be fair, her own stock had always been a bit lacking.

Her great-grandmother, the indomitable Mrs. Edith Bennett, always insisted that a person with cockroaches in their head was bound to be an originala spark plug, so to speak, injecting life into the bleak monotony of everyday existence. More drive was exactly what daily life neededdrive being one of those modern words Edith liked to pepper into conversation, keeping herself in the know well into her eighties. Shed been fiercely active, with hardly a grey day to her name.

Strictly speaking, Edith was Marys great-grandmother, not her grandmother. But who paid attention to greats, especially when one beloved woman had replaced another lost long ago? All those prefixes were just empty details when the heart filled the gap.

Mary loved Edithhow could she not? There was no one closer in her life. Her mother, Caroline, didnt really count.

Caroline Bennettwell, there simply werent women like her, not really! Intelligent, beautiful, headteacher of a proper secondary schoolnot the one Mary attended, thank heavens. All thanks to Edith, who insisted Mary be sent elsewhere.

Why dump your problems on the poor child? Edith would scold.

What do you mean, problems? Caroline had asked.

I mean youd make her the heads daughter rather than letting her be just another child. Dont ruin her reputation earlyshell need it one day. Hard to regain whats once been lost. And honestly, do I have to spell it out? Youre a grown woman!

Edith spoke plainly, never dressing her words with niceties. She believed it was right to say things as they were. Mary could never quite tell whether it was the truth, but she saw results. Edith had raised Caroline since she was five, after Marys maternal grandmothera woman rarely spoken ofdied in an accident.

A silly accident, Mary, darling, was all Edith said. A falling icicle, of all thingsthe council not clearing the roof properly. Small neglect, big price. It was lucky only one life was lost. Your mum was right there. If Ediths daughter, Annabelle, hadnt pushed her out of the way, Id have been left all alone.

Granny, could such accidents happen to anyone? young Mary had asked.

Do you want the truth?

Yes!

To anyone, lovethe Pope, the postman, you, me. But thats no reason to be afraid.

Then what is it a reason for?

To live! To give this world somethingno, something remarkable! More than anyones ever given it before, and ask nothing in return. Lifes for making it brighter and kinder, Mary. Theres enough darkness about already.

But thats easy to say, Granny, harder to do. I know.

And its good you know! It means your cockroaches are clever ones.

Whos growing? Ugh, not cockroaches again, Granny!

Mary hated real insects. Butterflies and bees were lovely, but cockroaches sent shivers through her.

Granny! Cockroach! Mary would shriek at the slightest hint of one in the flat.

Edith would crush the intruder with a slipper, glancing around the room with narrowed, detectives eyes. Dont touch! Might be a parent. Seen any more?

No, Granny. But you said it had children!

And Id like to know where. That was the cue for a proper cleaning spree. Mary knew then even the unfortunate cockroachs family was doomed.

Later, she realized Edith pitied herMary could scream the house down, but as for action, well, by the time she made a move, the cockroach would have grandchildren. Everyone knew that about Maryfrom Edith to her gymnastics coaches.

Your girl is agile, but she takes too long to decide, which can be risky, theyd told Edith. Think it over.

I shall, Edith replied, promptly signing Mary up for the chess club.

In chess, no one rushed hershe could think as long as she wished and was even praised for it. Mary settled there for years, and Edith proudly brandished Marys trophies around the close for all the neighbours to see. Mary, youre my little star!

Granny, you always warned Mum that stars never see happiness. Id rather not be a star, thanks!

You misunderstoodlet me explain. I always do, dont I?

Indeed, she did. Edith answered every question with patience and claritythough rarely as Caroline might wish.

Caroline would sigh, Mum, what did you say to Mary? Shes only thirteen and asking aboutphrases she shouldnt know!

They grow up fast these days. You ought to ask Mary whats going on in her classmore romance and drama than I had in three marriages! If you dont ask, you dont know.

I suppose thats just the Bennetts for you, Edith would say. We stay quiet, but in our heads, the cockroaches waltz the can-can. Talk with the child. And dont fretIve only said whats needed. Shes brightshe remembers everything.

But Mum, what should I do with all these odd questions she asks?

Speak to her as I did to you. Better she learns from us than the cold shocks of life. Remember, you had me, but you still had Mary at nineteenall on your own.

Mum!

Dont fuss. I know about love. You had no idea what her father was like, but never mindwe got Mary out of it, didnt we? Edith paused. Its just, youre alonethat worries me.

Please dont start!

I wont, so long as you sort yourself out. One mistake doesnt define you.

And Mary isnt a mistake!

No, dear, that’s not what I meant. I mean your cant live without love drama. Remember when you ran off? I searched the whole city for two weeks.

Yes, but when you found me, you just brought your cabbage pie and acted as if nothing had happened

I know. Let me be the granny, wont you?

Caroline found her happiness, eventually. Mary had just turned sixteen. For nearly a year, Caroline secretly dated someone, hesitant to tell the family. Mary stumbled upon them at a coffee shop while out with friends. Seeing Caroline, radiant and transformed, holding a mans hand, Marys first reaction was shockquickly replaced, on the way home, by understanding.

Granny, did you know?

I had my suspicions.

I dont want to get in her way.

Then dont, darling.

But what if he hurts her?

Edith, busy making dumplings, wiped her hands and pulled Mary into a hug. Whod dare? Our Caroline isnt aloneshe has us.

Mary didnt argue. Her granny had a past as a police detectiveshed tracked down two serial criminals in her time. So if Granny wasnt worried, Mary wasnt either, even if letting someone share her beloved mother still felt impossible.

But in time, Mary had to let go. Carolines suitor, Jonathan Harper, arrived at the house to propose. Mary gave her blessinghis love for Caroline was sincere, and the familiar worry-line on her mothers brow had vanished. This new, glowing version of Caroline delighted Mary.

Jealousy didnt leave easily. Mary tried not to show her uneaseespecially after her baby brother, Alex, was born. Caroline was more radiant than ever. Mary, flatly, complained to Edith.

We spoiled you, child! Shouldve been stricter! Edith snapped.

Granny! What do you mean?

I didnt think youd be so selfish. I thought you understood why you didnt move in with your mum and new stepfatherfigured you didnt want to get in their way. Thought youd grown up, but I was wrong! That hurts, MaryIm getting old, I suppose.

Granny, its just now Mums attentions not just mine. Why am I like this?

Youre fine! No need to berate yourself. You got used to having your mother all to yourself. Now, you have to share her.

I guess

Then dont divide herjust be there for her.

I cant live with them.

No one asks you to. Pop by after college, help her out, get your share of love and attention. Taking is easy; giving in return is harder. Loves all about that. Do you doubt your mother loves you?

No

Then rein in your cockroaches! In a year or two, youll marry and be a mother yourself. Time to grow up, Mary.

That last remark was wildly off-topicMary had more than enough to do: revision, exams, and, most recently, the appearance of Dennis Thompson, a tall, bookish lad from the neighbouring class. Dennis and Mary had not exactly been friends, more like rivals.

They first clashed on the grand September assembly day. Mary, dressed smartly as ever, tripped on the stairs, sprained her ankle, and Denniss first words were, You should be more careful! Rather than helping, he critiqued. Mary burned with irritation.

She limped off unaided, scowling, and ignored all attempts to help, including Denniss.

When Mrs. Hughes, the kindly deputy head, insisted Mary see the nurse, Dennis followed and offered, Shall I take you to the nurse? Might be a sprain.

Mind your own business! Mary snappedthis boy drove her up the wall.

Mrs. Hughes shook her head. Mary, Dennis is one of the best boys here, heading for medicine like you. Whats your quarrel?

Nothing Mary muttered, but silently kept an eye on him.

Marys choice of career had come naturally. Shed always seen treating children as noble, albeit difficult, workjust the right challenge for her. The trickier the problem, the better!

Her new half-brother, Alex, was no ordinary challengeloud, strong-willed, but affectionate. It was hard to stay away, and soon Mary was spending weekends at her mothers new house, supposedly helping with the baby but, in truth, helping herself.

Still, Mary wrestled with doubtsespecially about her suitability for paediatrics. Granny, if I dont love children, maybe I shouldnt work with them?

Who says you dont love them all? Edith would query.

Maybe Im just too strict with myself? What if Im a grumpy doctor?

Nonsenseyoure taking it seriously, which is good! Figure yourself out, and quickly.

And how do I do that?

Ill think.

Edith had plenty of ideas. Soon, Mary found herself helping at the Johnsonsold friends of Ediths, a bustling home full of children. After those weeks wrangling the little ones, Mary knew shed found her calling. She doubled down on her studies and applied for medicine.

She just scraped the grades required. She was dissatisfiedshe could have done better. Imagine her surprise when, on her first day at university, she bumped into Dennis.

Oh, youre here too, he greeted her in that neutral, almost bored manner that always riled her.

I am. And you?

Im here to study.

Mary would huff past him for months, but when both began volunteering at the local childrens hospital, things changed.

Trying to fit into a clown wig ahead of entertaining the children, Mary heard Dennis behind her: Honestly never expected to see you herelost your way?

That day, kids howled with laughter at the antics of the two unlikely clowns, oblivious to the sparks beneath the surface. Watching Dennis, arms full of giggling children and deftly twisting balloon animals, Mary found she could no longer summon a single ounce of annoyance towards him.

Afterwards, Dennis handed her a balloon flower. You did well. Fancy a coffee after this?

Why are you so contrary? she smiled, twirling the balloon. Alright, Ill let you buy me a cup.

One hour, thoughIve got tutoring.

Mary learned Dennis lived with his mother, working part-time as a tutor to help out. In time, she realized Denniss cockroaches were the same breed as her own. Edith’s voice echoed in her mind: Value those whose cockroaches are like yourstheyre rare as hens teeth.

Granny, did you ever meet such people?

Of course! All three of my husbands matched me for cockroaches. Why else would I marry them thrice over? Didnt work out, but no ill will. Youll understand when youre older.

Edith adored Dennis. Hes a good ladalmost as good as you.

Almost?

He puts up with you, doesnt he?

Granny!

Oh, hush. Has he proposed yet?

No.

Get ready then. Feels like its coming. Do you love him?

I think I do

Good. Time to get the slippers readyyoull be a fine couple, shoes and all.

Granny!

Oh, dont fuss! Ill stick around long enough to meet your children yet. No rush!

Im not even married!

Youll get there!

And now, the cockroaches in Marys head leapt with excitement.

For Dennis proposed, properly, with a ring and all. Caroline wept with joy, Edith clapped her hands in delight, forgetting her arthritis, and the Johnson family arrived in a cheerful horde to celebrate. Vera Johnson, with her wise, well-worn smile, whispered to Mary at the party, Hes a good one, Marydont let him go.

I couldnt even if I tried, Aunt Vera.

Why so sure?

Our cockroaches are the same breed. Granny says thats rare, and you must never lose such a person. Who knows if youll find another?

Oh, I see! Vera laughed, waving her hand in a twist just like Marys imaginary cockroach dance. Weve gained another for the club. Im simply delighted. Now, I must go hug your grandmotherand Dennis too. With people like this, were in the very best company, Mary, dear.Mary smiled, feeling something light and fizzy bloom inside her chestlike a secret celebration only the cockroaches could understand. That night, as she slipped away from the laughter and music, she found Edith resting quietly, gazing at the garden beyond the window, her cane balanced across her lap.

Come here, my darling, Edith beckoned, her eyes shining as if shed seen this all beforemaybe in a dream shed once had, or in the careful choreography of a thousand cockroach dances.

Mary knelt by her grandmother, their fingers entwined, silent for a time.

At length, Edith spoke. You see now? Those little two-stepping, lamp-flashing creatures are your courage and your wit. Theyll always remind you: life isnt only to endure, but to create joy where you can.

I think I finally understand, Granny, Mary whispered, tears shining but unshed. Its all part of living, isnt it? Even the things that make us squirm.

Especially those things, Edith agreed, grinning. Promise meif you ever find the world too heavy, let the cockroaches dance. Theyve got the best tune in the world.

Mary laughed, light as a feather, and outside the window she almost imagined a line of cockroaches tracing nimble patterns across the moonlit glasscourage, mischief, loveeach stepping in time with the beat of her heart.

From then on, Mary never shooed them away. For whenever clouds gathered or loneliness tiptoed in, the cockroaches in her head would rise and jitterbug, stomping out the darkness, until the sun came around again.

And this, Mary knew, was how even the smallest, most unlikely thingsor peoplecould keep you dancing, all the days of your life.