Cockroaches
Cockroaches were dancing a jig in Emilys head. A lively, rousing one at that.
They whirled their little legs in the air, timing their steps with a spirited two stomps, three claps to the ever-growing music in Emilys mind.
No, honestly, Emilys cockroaches were normally well-behaved. Quiet, polite, practically thoroughbreds. That she did have. Emily had spent years, with almost artistic touch, refining their geneticsshe was rather short on her own, after all.
Granny always told Emily that cockroaches in your head were a good thing. If a person had them, she insisted, it just meant you werent run of the mill. A bit of spark, you know. It certainly makes life a lot more interesting, both for yourself and the people around. Everyday life is dreadfully short of zest.
Zest wasnt even Emilys word, to be fair. It was her granny who was ahead of the curve, throwing out all sorts of trendy phrases and bits of nonsense. At eighty-odd, she was still going strong. Full of beans.
Truth be told, she wasnt really Emilys grandmothershe was her great-grandmother. But who needs those extra greats when granny had filled the whole grandmother role for years, especially since Emilys real gran was no longer around. In the end, whats with the details?
Emily adored her granny. Who wouldnt? There was nobody closer to her. Mum didnt count.
Emilys mum was frankly, one of a kind. Clever, beautiful, and the headteacher of a secondary school to boot. Thankfully, not the one Emily attendedand that was due to granny. Shed insisted that Mum send Emily to another school.
What for? Mum had protested.
Why cause your child needless hassle? There, shell be just another pupil, not the Heads daughter. Dont mess up her reputation. Hard to gain, easy to lose. Youre old enough to understand this.
Granny spoke to Mum as straight as an arrow, no fluffing about. Thats how she thought things ought to be. Emily couldnt tell you if it was truly right, but she saw the result. Granny had raised Emilys mum since she was five, after her own mothergrannys daughterdied. What exactly happened, Emily didnt learn straight away. Neither granny nor mum liked to revisit it.
A freak accident, Emmy. Icicle business Sloppy roof work cost a lifethank heavens, only one. Your mum was almost there too. Her mums push saved her. Otherwise, Id be alone.
Granny, could anything like that happen to anyone?
Should I lie?
No.
To anyone, darling. Me, you, the Pope. But its no reason to be frightened.
So, what then?
Its a reason to live! Really live, each moment, like its your last. Offer something to the worldsomething only you can give. Make the world kinder, brighter, fairer. More light, Emmy! Theres more than enough darkness without our help.
Thats all very well to say, Granny. Doing it is harder. I know.
And its good, knowing! Means youre thinking sensibly. Your cockroaches are clever little things.
What, cockroaches?! Ew, Granny! Whatve they got to do with anything?
Emily didnt like insectsgoodness, butterflies and bees were all very well, but actual cockroaches? Ugh.
Grannytheres a cockroach! Emily shrieked on sighting one.
Dont hurt it! Granny would flatten the intruder with her slipper, then glance around predatorily. See any more?
No but you said it had children!
Yes and now, Im curious where! And then would begin the grand clean-upno cockroach offspring stood a chance.
Later, as she grew up, Emily realised Granny had only been looking out for her. Everyone knew Emily could shout the house down, but decisive action was a different kettle of fish. By the time she made up her mind, the cockroach would have had grandchildren.
Everyone knew this about Emilyfrom Granny to her gymnastics coaches.
Your girl should try something else, they said. Shes flexible, she has skill, but shes too slow to process thingspotentially dangerous if a quick decisions needed.
Ill think on it, said Granny, and whisked Emily off to chess club.
The chess club suited Emily down to the ground. No one hustling, all the time she needed to think, and praise for using it. Perfect. So its no surprise she stuck it out for years.
Granny was exceedingly proud. Shed parade home from each tournament, trophy held high so the neighbours would see.
Emily, youre my star!
Granny, youre frightening me now.
And whys that?
I remember you telling Mum that starry-eyed people never find happiness, so I dont want to be a star! Not my idea of fun!
No, no, youve got it all wrong!
And Granny would explainalways, and at length. No question of Emilys went unanswered, though the answers werent always what Mum wanted.
Gran! What have you been teaching Emily now? She asked what in the family way meant! At thirteen, Gran! Why does she need that info?
Why not? Kids grow up fast these days. If you want to know what happens in her class, ask Emily. The romance and intrigueputs my three marriages to shame! Swear, I know nothing compared to the children now.
Well, Emilys never told me about that
Because youve not asked. Were all the same in this family. Calm on the outside, but our minds are dancing the can-can! Talk to your child. And dont panic! I told her nothing unsuitable. She just remembered a phrase. Smart girl, good memory.
Gran, what am I meant to do about that brain of hers? Such strange questions! How do I speak to her?
How did I talk to you? Never kept anything from youalways told it straight. Why? Because learning it the hard way from life hurts more. Shell hear it from me, not the world. I thought Id prepared you, but you had Emily at nineteenwith no husband. So it goes
Gran!
Hush, I understand love, and not knowing Emilys dads family He lost out because of it, but we got Emmy! Shame youre alone, though. Young, clever, beautiful and no private life, Lizzie!
Gran, not this again
As it turned out, Emilys mum found her own happiness not long after. Emily was sixteen, and Lizzy had been dating someone for almost a year without saying a thing to the family.
Emily found out by accidentspotted them in a cafe. None of the girls who were with her understood why Emily suddenly spun on her heel and ran out. Mum hadnt seen her; she was laughing at something her companion said, hand in hand, and the smile Emily had never seen her mother transformed by happiness like that, years melting off her face.
It took a minute, but on the way home, Emily came to terms with it.
Granny, did you know?
That your mum had someone? Guessed as much.
I dont want to spoil it for her
So, dont. Whats the problem?
What if he hurts her?
Grannybusy making shortcrust pies in the kitchenwiped her hands and gathered Emily into a hug.
Whod dare? Our Lizzie isnt alone. She has us for back-up.
That silenced Emily. She knew Granny had a historyshe wasnt always the jolly old pie-baker. Shed been a detective once, and a good one too: caught two serial offenders. She still had connections, and former students who visited. Emily trusted herif Granny wasnt frowning, things with Mums new beau were fine. Accepting him, though well, that was harder. Emily wasnt sure she was ready to share her dearest person.
But she had to in the end. Andrew BurtonMums suitorcame round officially, proposing marriage very soon after that cafe episode. Emily had no choice but to give her blessing. The way he spoke to Mum, so earnest, couldnt be faked. And that habitual worry-crease on Mums foreheadso like Grannyshad vanished. Emily liked this new version of Mum.
She did have a hard time with jealousy, though. Emily tried to hide it, but not very successfully. Especially after little Jamie was born and Mums smile grew even brighter. Emily told Granny everything then.
Mustve raised you wrong, love! Didnt give you enough of a clip round the ear! Granny actually seemed cross.
Gran, what are you talking about?
You refused to live with your mother to give her space. I thought youd grown-up, and understood whats what. But youve proved me wrong. Shame on you, I say. Maybe Im past it.
Gran! Im not against Mum being happy its just
Its just hard, because she wont be only yours now? Emily, have you thought at all? Youre not alone any more. Neither your mother nor I are forever. Life is what it is. Now, youve got family. Look at it that way for once.
Ive tried, Emily muttered. But its still hard.
Thats normal. Dont give yourself a hard time. Youre used to your mum being just for you. Now youll have to share her company, thats all.
I suppose so
Well, dont divide it up so much! If you want to be with your mum, be there. Help her out, give her a handdont just expect her attention to come to you. And youll have all the love in the world. Its easy to take, Emmy. Giving something back is the challenge. Thats what loves aboutthe more you give, the more you get. Dont doubt your mum loves you.
I dont.
So get your cockroaches in order, will you! In a few years, youll be grown and a mum yourself. Time to mature, darling. Or have you nothing better to do?
That couldnt be further from the truthEmily had plenty on: preparation for university, study, and then, suddenly, Oliver turned up. Though not, at that stage, even as a love interest. Ah noEmily and the gangly bore from the next class were firmly at odds.
Their first real interaction was during assembly practice. Emily, her best dress on, tripped on the stairs, twisted her ankle, and heard:
Should be more careful, muttered Oliver, picking up her bag. He reached out a hand.
Really? Want to help, then?
I am helping. Youre not making sense.
Emily bristled at that.
She struggled up alone and hobbled into Mrs. Chapmans office.
Emily, what happened? asked Mrs. Chapman, alarmed.
Nothing. Should have watched my feet.
You must see the matron. Straightaway.
I will, later.
When later?! Emily, its not a joke!
Oliver trailed behind, dropping her bag on a chair. Need a lift?
A what?
To matron. Might be a sprain.
Go on, leave me be! Ill cope myself! Emily was baffled by her own irritation.
Oliver shrugged and disappearedMrs. Chapman shook her head disapprovingly.
Why snap like that? Olivers a solid boystar pupil! Wants to be a doctor, just like you. Whats wrong between you two?
Nothing Emily grumbled but made a mental note of it.
Wants to study medicine? Well see about that.
Emily had never doubted much about her career. Working with childrendifficult, important. Just her sort of challenge. The harder the puzzle, the greater the satisfaction.
And her cockroaches, oh, they LOVED puzzles. Especially the tricky ones: like her feelings about Jamie. He was a loud, headstrong but affectionate little chap. He recognised Emily quickly, threw tantrums when she wasnt there enough, and had a knack for getting everyones attention.
Her stepdads place had a bedroom for her now, and Emily often stayed weekends to help with Jamie.
Truth was, though, she was helping herself. With Jamie in her arms, Emily realised she lacked somethingshe did love her cheeky little brother, but admitting it wasnt easy. Grannys advice, Mums gentle hintsthey didnt help either. The problems were accumulating rapidly, tickling those cockroaches into a full-on festival
She started wondering: was medicine the right path?
Gran, if I dont love children, I shouldnt work with them, should I?
What makes you think you dont love them, all of them?
I dont know
Dont work yourself into a state.
Im just worried. I might end up one of those grumpy doctors.
Now were getting somewhere! No place for unfriendly doctors among children, youre absolutely right. As soon as you can, work out how you feel.
How?
Ill have a think.
Emily trusted Grannys creativityher ideas were often odd. This time, she arranged a work experience at a friends house.
Theyve a brood of children, all hyperactive. Manage them, and youre set.
How do you know them?
Granny paused, had some water, stared out the window, then explained. Verathe mumis probably my greatest mistake as a detective. Years ago, she came to the police, convinced her stepfather had killed her mother. Three kids, youngest not even one. Her mother used to take off for weeks at a time, reappearing as if nothing had happened, sometimes pregnant. Of Veras siblings, only the middle boy was the stepfathers, and maybe not even him.
Why did he stay with her then?
Who knows, families are complicated. The stepdad turned nasty after Veras mum disappeared. Vera ended up fending for her family. Only some schoolboy she liked helped, his family got involved, and they managed to cut through the red tape. Eventually, we found Veras mum and uncovered what her stepdad had done but by then, too late for some. My mistake is, had we acted sooner on Veras statement, more lives could have been saved. The man did himself in before justice caught up. Veras done really well sincebrought up her brothers, had three children of her own, and now looks after a river of grandkids.
So, Emily did her time in Veras madhouse of children and came out the other side convinced shed made the right career choice. She buried herself in her A-levels, and scraped enough grades to get to medical school, though she wasnt happy with her marksshe thought she should have done better.
And what a surprise, who should she bump into in the university corridors, but Oliver.
Oh, youre here too, he remarked blandly.
She couldnt explain why that tone made her so huffy. For a whole year more, Emily huffed and snorted whenever they passed in a corridor or met at the local coffee spot. Oliver continued unfazed: nodded politely, but that was all.
It was only when they both began volunteering at the county hospital, helping orphaned children, that anything changed. Emily was struggling to fit a clowns wig before a kids party, when behind her Olivers lazy drawl:
Well, I never, you here! Lost your way, have you?
They spent the morning clowning about. The children roared with laughter at their double act, never realising just how much the actors were needling one another. Afterwards, Oliver presented Emily with a balloon flower.
Take it. You did well. Great working with you.
Thanks Emily took it despite herself.
Fancy a coffee? Or are you off home?
Whyre you always so contrary? She twirled the flower with a smile. Alright, go on then.
Good. I know a decent place nearby. But Ive only an hourgot a tutee after.
A what?
I do private tutoring. To help my mum with bills.
Emily soon found out that Oliver lived alone with his mum, and worked hard to support her. And gradually, she realised their cockroachesfor all their hopping aboutwere completely compatible.
Granny had always told her, Cherish anyone whose cockroaches are the same breed as yours. Not many like that around. If you find one, hold on for dear life!
Did you ever, Gran?
All my husbands, love. Three of em. They all had their own pedigreed cockroaches as well.
Then why did you part ways?
Good question. Let me wait before I answer that. Your cockroaches need the experience. All I will say isI never left for lack of love. You know I stayed friends with them all. Sometimes, things just dont work out, and thats that. Youll understand when youre older.
And Gran had thoroughly approved of Oliver.
Hes a good lad. Almost as good as you.
Almost?
He puts up with you! Gran cackled.
Just you wait!
Oliver did propose, as Gran had predictedring and all. Mum sobbed through it, Granny clapped as if arthritis had never existed, even Vera showed up with her massive family and wept with joy.
Youve got a gem here, Emily! Dont let him slip away.
No chance, Auntie Vera. Even if I tried.
And whys that?
Were both infested with the same breed of cockroach. Granny says thats rare. What if I never meet another?
Vera laughed, then twirled her hand above her headjust the way Emily used to visualise inside, when her cockroaches would dance. So, weve another in our ranks! Congratulations, my dear. Im so happy for you!
And she was right.
Now, my own cockroaches are reeling about in polka fashion as I write. If theres a life lesson in all this, its that happiness often comes from the quirks you share, not the ones you hide. The right people will understandtheir own cockroaches will answer yours in kind. As Granny says, cherish them while you have them!
