Dont Stir Up the Past
I often find myself thinking about my life now Ive crossed the fifty-year mark. I can’t say my family life has been happy, and all because of my husband, Alan. We married young and in love, truly cared for each other. When Alan started to change, I didn’t even notice the moment it happened.
We lived in the countryside, in the house of my mother-in-law, Margaret. I tried to keep a calm, respectful household, and Margaret always treated me warmly. My own mum lived in the next village with my younger brother and suffered from poor health.
Margaret, how do you get along with your daughter-in-law, Sarah? the village gossipers would ask herbe it at the shop, at the well, or just along the lane.
Ive nothing bad to say about Sarah. Shes respectful, knows how to keep house, and helps me with everything, Margaret would always reply.
Oh, we dont believe that! Since when does a mother-in-law praise her daughter-in-law? Never happened before, the locals would scoff.
Thats for you to decide, Margaret would reply and walk on.
Soon, I had my daughter, Emily, and everyone rejoiced.
Sarah, Emily looks just like me, Margaret would claim, picking out her own features in the child, while I would laugh and say it doesnt matter who she resembles.
When Emily turned three, I gave birth to a son. More joyful chaos ensued. Alan kept working, I stayed at home with the children, and Margaret helped immensely. We lived calmlyperhaps even better than mostno drunken nights, no shouting matches. Some of the other wives would be out fetching their husbands who were sprawled outside the pub, too drunk to make it home. The shouting and cursing would carry through the village lanes as they dragged their men back.
While expecting my third child, I learned Alan was having an affair. Nothing stays hidden in a village, and soon the entire town knew about him and Beth, the widow. My neighbour, Valerie, came by, not one to let news go unshared.
Sarah, youre carrying Alans third child, and hes off with other women, she blurted out bluntly.
Val, are you sure? Ive not noticed anything, I said, surprised.
Well, when would you notice? Two children, another on the way, housework, Margaret, the chores. He just pleases himself. The whole village knows; Beth doesnt care if anyone sees.
I was devastated, and so was Margaret, but she kept silent for my sake. Shed have stern words with Alan, but he would always brush it away.
Mum, were you standing there watching? You know what women are likegossips, all of them.
One autumn evening, Valerie rushed over.
Sarah, I just saw Alan sneak into Beths house. Saw with my own eyes as I came back from the shop. You want to end up alone with three kids and no husband? March over to Beth and teach her a lesson. Youre pregnantAlan wont dare lay a hand on you now.
I knew I wasnt brave enough for a brawl, especially with Bethshe was tough, quarrelsome, and had learned to fend for herself since her husband drowned in the river after drinking too much. I hesitated but decided to go nevertheless.
Im going to look Alan in the eye, get the truth out of him. Hell just say its all gossip, I told Margaret, who tried to convince me otherwise.
Sarah, what are you doing in your condition? Think of yourself
It was late autumn and already dark. I knocked on Beths window and waited. But she didnt come out; instead, she called through the locked door.
What do you want with me, banging on my windows?
Open up, let me in. I know Alans with you; people tell me everything! I called out loudly.
Ha! As if Id open my door for you. Go home and stop making a spectacle.
After standing for a while, I left, realising she wouldnt let me in. Alan stumbled home past midnight, drunk. It didnt happen often, but sometimes he did have a drink. I hadnt slept.
Where have you been? I know you were with Beth, drinking. I was thereshe didnt open the door…You know exactly what Im talking about.
What nonsense are you making up? Alan snapped. I wasnt there. I was with Dave from the farm, lost track of time.
I didnt believe him, but I kept quiet. It was late, and I never liked making a scene. What could I do? The old saying goes, Innocent until proven guilty. I lay awake all night, thinking,
Where would I go with two children and a third on the way? Mums sick, and my brothers family with their own three kids are crowded in already. How would we manage there?
Mum always advised me, whenever I told her about Alans affairs,
Bear it, love. You married, have the children, now bear it. Do you think it was easy for me living with your dad? He drank, chased us aboutI still remember how wed hide at the neighbours. God resolved it in His own time and took him away, but I endured. At least Alan doesnt drink much or hit you. Women have always had to bear things.
While I didnt completely agree with her, I knew there was no escape. Margaret, too, would try to console me.
Love, where would you go with the little ones? Soon the third will be here. Together, maybe well handle Alan better.
Our third girl, Alice, arrived frail and sickly, no doubt due to all my worries during pregnancy. She settled over the years, especially with Margarets loving care.
Sarah, you heard the news? Valerie appeared again, carrying gossip around the village like a magpie. Beths let Michael move in, after his wife threw him out.
Thats her business, let her be, I replied, relieved Alan wouldnt be running to Beth now.
But within a month, Valerie was back.
Michaels left Beth, gone back to his wifeshell be searching for another man soon. Youd better keep your Alan close; you never know when old flames will reignite, she warned.
Alan and I managed to settle down afterwards, and Margaret was happy. But if a mans got that devil in him, hell never really stay put.
On her way back from the shop, Margaret met her old friend, Agnes.
Margaret, whats wrong with Alan? Sarahs a decent, pretty wife and mother, and you always praise her. What more does he want?
Agnes, dont tell me Alans off chasing women again?
Oh, he is Living with you all, nothing to worry aboutfed, cared for. Now hes running around with Veronica from the canteen.
Margaret said nothing to me, though she chastised Alan in private, urging him to straighten out. But you cant hide everything, and I found out through Valerie and the village grapevine. My tears and pleas did nothing; Alan kept up his affairs, though he never once thought of leaving the familyhe knew hed never abandon us. He liked the comfort of having his wife, children, mother, a well-run home, and a woman on the side for fun.
Margaret tried to reason with her grown son, but he shouted her down, telling her to mind her business.
Mum, I work for this family, bring home the money, and you two always accuse me. Stop believing village gossip, hed bark.
Hed never drunk too much, and now had finally given up alcohol altogether.
Years passed. The children grew up. Emily married in the town, settled there after college. My son completed university in the city and married a local girl.
Alice is finishing school now, planning to go to college in town. Alan finally settled down, now just stays home, work and family are his whole life. He mostly lies on the sofahis health isnt what it was. He no longer drinks at all.
Sarah, my heart feels odd, echoing in my back, hed say, then again, Sarah, my knees ache. Whats it mean? Must be my joints. Should I see the doctor in town?
I cant summon any pity for Alan. My heart had turned to stone long ago, too many tears and disappointments before he finally mellowed.
Now his health is failing, so he stays put and complains, I thought to myself. Let him go whinge to his old flamesperhaps theyll care for him now.
Margaret passed away, buried next to her husband. The house became quiet. Still, sometimes the children and grandchildren visit, and we both find joy in those moments. Alan complains of his health to them, sometimes even blaming me for not taking care of him. Emily brings medicines for her father, fusses around him, and chides me,
Mum, dont scold Dadhes not well, she whispers, and it stingsmy daughter sides with her father.
He brought it on himself, after too lively a youth. Now he wants sympathy. Im not made of stone, and I ruined my health worrying about him too, I attempted to defend myself.
My son tries to cheer Alan up on visits, spends time with himits only natural, men stick together.
The children hardly seem to understand, whenever I tell them how Alan changed, how I suffered for their sakehow could I leave them without a father? How hard and lonely it was. But all I hear in reply is,
Mum, dont dwell on the past. Leave Dad be, Emily says, and her brother agrees.
Mum, let it goits all over now, my son says, patting my shoulder.
It still stings a little, knowing they side with their father, but I get it. Life rarely turns out how you expect.
The years have taught me: dont go digging up the pastit only brings pain. Better to find peace and carry on.
