Dreamcatcher
– Again?! Emily, Em! Wake up! Shell wake the little ones! Hold her! Grace slid from the bed and shook her sisters shoulder. When will she settle down
Sophie thrashed about in her sleep, her groans a low, mournful sound that filled the room, hollowing it out, making you glance over your shoulder as if some shadow had crept into the room.
– Just like a proper haunted house, isnt it! Emily kicked off her blanket, blinking sleep from her eyes as she padded to Sophies bedside.
She tucked her own blanket around her sister and lay beside her quietly, humming:
– Lullaby, and goodnight, no need to fear the dark tonight Blimey! Grace! Lullabies are no use now, shes burning up! Wake Mum!
Grace hovered awkwardly at Sophies side, sighed and decided, in the end, to wake their mother. What else could she do? Sophie was as much her child as any of them. Their mum would have both their heads if she found out theyd kept anything from her.
The master bedroom was hushed. Grace brushed her hand over baby Samuels cot, pressed close to their parents bed, and gently squeezed her mothers shoulder.
– Mum
Charlottes eyes, brown and bright like Graces, blinked open in an instantas if shed not truly been asleepand her warm hand covered her daughters fingers.
– What is it, sweetheart?
– Sophies not well, Mum. Shes burning uphotter than the kitchen iron!
Samuel whimpered softly and Charlotte began to hum, just as Emily had:
– Lullaby, and goodnight
Her fingers found Graces narrow wrist, guiding her hand to the babys back.
– Soothe him for a bit, will you? Ill check on Sophie
Charlotte rose light-footed, as if her back hadnt twinged the day before from a nasty tumble off the step ladder while spring cleaning, and she tiptoed towards the girls room, listening carefully to the warmth and silence of their sleeping house.
She loved this house. So many times people had said, You and William will never finish that build why bother? Wouldnt you both be happier in a cosy flat?
Relatives shrugged, never shy about doling out stinging advice:
– What are you after a manor for?! Youre childless!
The hurt squeezed at Charlottes heart, pressing her head lower, as if the worlds indifferent hand was shoving her toward the ground. Cant have children, can you? Not meant for motherhood? Then youve no business holding your head upthere are better suited!
William would spot her after these barbs, head down and soul bruised, and hed hold Charlotte, marveling at how perfectly her cheek fit into the hollow of his neck. They stuck together as if theyd been soldered, sharing not only warmth, but each others very thoughtsa feeling passing between them couldnt hide long.
– Dont listen to them. They havent a clue!
– But theyre right, Will. No children for us
– Well see! Williams jaw tightened, swearing silently to himself hed give his wife that dream, somehow.
It seemed anything was possible with enough money, so close to London. Clinic after clinic, and always, doctors shaking their heads:
– Were not miracle workers.
Charlotte hid her gaze even from William, not knowing how to say aloud what had become obvious inside long ago. Only when he announced hed start building the house did she dare to say:
– Not with me, Will I love you, you know that. But you should have a family. If I cant give you a child, thenIll file for divorce.
– Dream on! William banged his cup on the table, splashing hot tea, then hopped about clutching his earburned. Charlotte! Enough of this! You know Im not shyMumll moan that she got herself a rough son-in-lawdont care! Who says Ill let a daft woman go? Sorry, love, you do take the biscuit. Id call you something ruder, but youre the master at taking offence!
– Me?! Charlotte looked up in surprise, forgetting tears altogether.
– Who else?! Daft thing to say. I love you. Kids if they come, brilliant. If they dont our path is our own, not everyone gets to be a parent.
Charlotte wasnt really reassuredmen said things in the flush of youth, but later on he might feel hed missed out
But William stood firm. Hed waited long enough for his happiness.
Charlottes marriage to William was her second. Shed wed at nineteen, desperate not so much for a husband as for escapefrom her mothers sharp eye and sharper tongue.
Her mum, Margaret, was a complicated woman. One moment she sang Charlottes praises to all whod listen, her only darling; the next, something seemed to snapher mothers words stung like wasps.
– How on earth did I end up with such a calamity? Charlotte! Sometimes youre a marvel; sometimes I wonder whats in your head
If Charlotte had an answer, shed have given it. So, she just hung her head, shrinking beneath her mothers disappointed glare, wondering how to love someone who shouted at you
Ask her, Do you love your mother?Charlotte would answer Of course! without hesitation. How else? As she grew, she realised that neither good schooling nor a top job, nor a clutch of friends, made you warm of heart. Her mother, Margaret, made an impression on everyoneclever, well-read, could talk to anyone. Just not to her own daughter.
– Why dont you love me, Mum? it spilled out at last, a week before her wedding, when her mother sneered at her wedding dress calling it that rag.
Charlotte had scoured shops for a month for that perfect, sleek dresscertain her mother would approve the simple, elegant lines. Speechless, she blurted out what shed wondered forever.
– Answer me, Mum! I dont get it! Im your only child. You and Dad got on, I never heard you rowso whats wrong with me?! Why are you so harsh?
– Dont be silly!
– Its not silly whatever I do, its always wrong
– Well, do it right, then! Charlotte! Stop trying my patience! Youve made your mind upget marriedbut dont ask me to approve! Your choices are your own, dont blame me if it goes poorly. You want me to always approve? No, thanks! A mother isnt there to just kiss you on the foreheada proper mum can scold as well. Sometimes, its needed.
– Sometimes
– Stop it! When you have your own children youll understand!
– Understand what, Mum?
– How hard loving a child is. How hard it is to show them you care! Did I not do enough?
– Thats not the point now
– Then what? Your father only worried about his own stuff, and I raised youas he said, daughters are womens work. If youd been a boy
That was when Charlotte finally understood her family. After chatting to Margarets sisters, it became clear her parents had hoped for a son, and her arrival had been met with no joy.
– How medieval is that! Charlotte wandered autumn parks, raging inside. Boy, good; girl, not enough! Rubbish Ill never, ever treat my own kids like that. I hope not Why do parents sometimes treat children so oddly? How do you stop it? Its not fate. Orno! I wont be like that! Can you hear me? Of course you do. So help me teach me how
Her wedding was a fancy fussa corseted dress squeezing her breath away, her mother beaming and hugging her for photos.
– Isnt it wonderful, darling? Arent you happy?
Charlotte nodded, searching for her friend to loosen her corset, not daring to say a wordshe couldnt stand hearing again that shed blundered in choosing her man. She didnt want to ruin the happiest day of her life with an argument.
The hasty marriage lasted not quite two years. When Charlottes pregnancy ended in heartbreak, her husband packed his bags and left before she was even discharged from hospital.
The flat, set up by her parents, felt empty; Margaret chirped away, driving her home:
– Well let it, darling! Move back in with us! Youve had your funnow time to get sensible. Finish up university and well find you someone better. Honestly, you shouldnt trust life choices to young girls. You made your mistakenow youll live with it!
Charlotte kept quiet. No arguing; but later that evening, she sought her father in his study and asked him to do it differently.
– Dad, if you do love me at all, please let me live alone. I cant stay here just now.
– Why not?
– Because it hurts
For once, her father understood. He set-up an allowance for his daughter, told Margaret to mind her own business.
– Because I say so.
Margaret, usually so sharp, said nothing. She only raised it once, six months later, when Charlotte got a part-time job and declined parental cash.
– Keep her wages. Whatll she earn? If she wont take it, leave it in the drawershell use it if needed. Ill be calmer knowing its there.
Charlotte finished uni, got promoted, but life off-duty went nowhere. Not unattractive, but nothing set her apartlike a dusky cinder, glowing but giving little warmth. There was a reason.
The doctors finally told herafter complicationsthat motherhood likely wasnt for her.
It shook Charlotte; she worked on, went to lunches, but her spark left herand those around began to notice.
– Whats wrong with your girl, Margaret? her aunt Jo took it on herself to point it out.
– What do you mean?
– Just look at her, love! Like a statue. Theres no life in her eyes! Do something!
Clueless, Charlotte didnt notice the flurry of family gatherings where young men began to pop up, invited by doting aunts.
At one such gathering, Charlotte met William.
He wasnt an invited guest; hed driven one of her aunts families out to her parents country housea cabbie, amused when a tall, wintry beauty in a white coat barked, To town!
Why she snapped that daywho knew? Maybe shed had enough of family tables, where as a child shed be made to stand on a stool and recite for beloved Mum. Shed wanted to scoop up any blushing, stammering child and runto somewhere feelings mattered more than knowing how to use the right fork.
William asked nothing. He drove her home, grinning as she patted her coat for a purse.
– Oh
– No money?
– No. Left my bag at the house Keys are here, but
– Well, never mind. Give me a smile, and were even.
Charlotte frowned, shaking her head.
– Give me a moment, please, Ill be right back.
William didnt wait. The street was empty by the time shed grabbed money; she stood by the gate, wondering why fate sent her that odd meeting.
Her mother noticed the vanishing actkicked up a fuss about respect for family and tradition. Her father, for once, was silent, only remarking that next time Charlotte ought to tell someone if she left, so no one started a search party.
Next day, Williams white car idled in the drive as she headed out. She didnt feel surprised.
– Hop in!
Sure of himself, a touch cheekybeside Charlotte in her heels, he was almost a head shorter.
– Hold on a sec!
Charlotte darted back into the building, knowing she was already late. When she reappeared in flat boots, William nodded, letting her settle in the front.
– Best to chat up front.
So began their odd friendship.
Charlotte hesitatedshe, a professors daughter with a city job, and hea cab driver! Her family would frown; but there was something honest and bright about the fellow, enough to make her decideshed risk it! Never mind Mums opinion.
Her mother certainly objectedenough to rattle the whole family.
– Ill disown you! You hear me, daughter? Cut you off and curse you! Charlotte, dont do this! Hes no match!
Long Margaret raged, but Charlotte had bolted. For once, she knew what she wanted and wouldnt look back.
Her problems, she confessed to William well before their wedding.
– Well? twisting the little stuffed toy hed given her, eyes downcast We may never have children Do you get that?
– Whats not to get? Couples dont marry purely for kids. I love you, Charlotte. Whether you have a tribe or nonedoesnt matter to me.
– Easy to say now
– Ill say it always. My father brought me up as a manmeans you keep your word. Thats how it should be, all right?
They did the registry in London, wedding at Williams parents in Kent. Charlottes family refused to come. Her mother wanted nothing to do with the in-laws; her father showed up near the end, congratulated her stiffly, and leftCharlotte knew full well what would await him at home. Her mother didnt spare her tongue, and his settee would groan under his banishment.
Williams parents, oddly, were easy to talk to, eventually.
– Shes all skin and bone – his mum, Barbara, eyed Charlotte. Feed her well! If she cant cook, you know how, William. Dont sulk, love! Chin up, Charlotte! Lifes a flashno sense wasting it on misery. Theres plenty to docome on! Help me with the jam. Men cant be trusted round berries, half of its gone before you begin!
– Mum! William chuckled as Charlotte, overwhelmed, followed Barbaras lead.
Barbaras house, so unlike Charlottes, glowed with warmth, the sort that glimmered in her son, too. There was no guessing if you were accepted, you just were. When Barbara shared her recipe for the best strawberry jam, you knew you belonged: William wont eat anything buthas to eat at home, not his mothers!
Williams parents were bright, generous souls. When Charlottes troubles surfaced, her new mother-in-law gently hugged her, holding back a tide of Charlottes pent-up tears.
– Ach, poor love But you know what? Thank you.
– For what?! Charlotte had no thought of resisting.
– For honesty. Some would hidetrust is rare. As for childrenits not our place, is it? Gods design. Youll seeyour home will be full of happiness yet!
– Weve not even a house yet
– You will, and you chose well! Men must account for their decisionsmy boy truly loves you. Our lives depend on us women, whatever men say! Were the neck, turning the head without him knowing so long as we look the right way.
Charlotte believed Barbaras homespun wisdom in time; her own mothers words faded to soft noise.
The house rose wall by wall; having finished night classes, William and his father did most of the work. During the week he toiled in his new removals business, weekends on the site. Her father, watching the progress, offered advice and contacts.
Charlottes solicitors career blossomedproperty never short of clientsbut something was missing.
They took the foster parent course and began searching for their child.
They didnt search long. Theyd barely received the first call when Barbara phoned in a rush, words tumbling:
– Barbara, slow down, I cant keep up!
Charlotte, on speaker, kept kneading her dough for a piea weekend habit Barbara insisted was essential: a house that smells of baking is a happy house. Charlotte agreedall the more reason shed bought a good oven.
– Charlotte! Dont interrupt! The children, lovely children! The Johnsons lost their home, you remember? Neighbours of ours. The mother signed them away, social services took them. Poor mites! I know them like my ownespecially the girls, clever, kind! Lord only knows how, given their mum, but there it is! They look after themselves and little Oliver. I know you only planned for one child, dear, but heres three Big ask, but itd break my heart for them to land in care! They never had a fair go. What do you reckon, love? Dont let them disappear into the system
– Mum, enoughwere coming! William cut in. Charlotte hurried for her trainers.
That is how Charlotte became mother to three overnight.
Seven-year-old Emily and six-year-old Grace adapted quickly. After sizing up Charlotte, they told her, serious as adults:
– Dont worry so much! We can see youre good.
And two-year-old Oliver, cheerful and busy, started calling her Mummy within weekstrailing after her for a cuddle, for baking, for rides at the park.
Only Charlottes family recoiled from this makeshift menagerie.
– What are you thinking, Charlotte! Three kids, poor stock! How did you even get approved?!
– Mum, Im a solicitor
– Too clever for your own good! Charlotte!
– What?! Charlotte, for perhaps the first time, raised her voice. I have always done as youve wanted! Now its time to make my own choices!
– You havent listened for ages! First your William, now this Choices, Charlotte. Choices
Charlotte ended the call, staring at her phone as if for the first time.
Perhaps this was at last her moment of growing up.
One year, another, and the next
The children grew, delighting Charlotte with busy, exhausting days. Shed switched to remote work, keeping just enough business to remain sharp, but giving her heart to her new role.
She only realised she was pregnant after months of dodging symptomsblaming stress, putting off a check-up until William, finding her pale as milk in the bathroom, gave the order:
– Get dressed.
– Where to?
– The surgery! Enough, youre not yourself.
Barbara, staying with them, patted her cheek and left her batch of pancakes to bubble on three frying pans.
– Listen to him! Youre green as an unripe tomato. Off you goand I bet I know already
– What?
– Oh, let the doctor tell you; you wont believe me! But tomorrow youll eat a proper breakfast, you need your strength.
The doctors news left Charlotte flabbergasted.
– It cant be trueits a joke, right?
– Mind your words, miss!
– Butits impossible – Charlotte, still numb, couldnt believe her dream had sneaked up on her.
– Tell that to the scan! the doctor grinned, turning the black and white image for her. There you aresee? Should I bring your husband in?
– Please
Charlotte burst out crying, staring at that strange smear on the monitor, something shed wanted so long but never expected.
Samuel was born in midwinter, bringing both chaos and joyCharlotte didnt know whether to laugh or cry.
Emily and Grace accepted their new brother matter-of-factlyanother mouth to feed, but a little help never hurt. Oliver, however, was jealous; sulking, clinging to Charlotte, needing proof he was still loved.
– Oliver, love, why are you sad? Charlotte would balance her youngest on a feeding cushion, one arm for Samuel, one around Oliver. Im right here!
It took effort to reassure him, but just as he settled in, fate twisted again: Sophie joined their family.
Because of Sophie, Charlotte even made amends with her own parentsbut what brought this about was so dreadful that she and William never hesitated about welcoming another child.
Sophie, Charlottes cousins daughter, lived far away. After a family tragedymurder by her own fatherSophie found herself orphaned and alone. The night the news came, Charlottes phone shrilled into the darkness, waking everyone.
– Mum! Wait, slow downI cant understand you! Whats happened?
– Oh, Charlotte! Your cousinis dead! I told everyone there was something off about him but nobody listened! Now look?! And the childshes an orphan, blighted for life! Wholl want a child with a father like that?
– Mum, calm downwheres Sophie now?
– How would I know?! Charlotte, why ask stupid questions?
– Yes, sorryI need to call
Aunt Jo took charge, skipping the panic:
– Ill check and call back. Wait.
Charlotte packed the children into her bed, sent William off for Barbara, and sat waiting in the dark, phone clutched tight.
Within the hour, she knew where Sophie was held, and before dawn, she and William were en route to Heathrow, kissing her mother-in-law goodbye and trusting her with the children.
Getting Sophie home was not easy; the child, after days in limbo, confused and frightened, flinched from every shadow.
Again and again, Charlotte would be summoned by her children to the nursery, to soothe Sophies night terrors.
– Sophie, youre home. Im here. The girls are with you. No one will hurt you now.
But reassurance didnt help; Sophie stayed lost, unable to accept her new life.
– Will Mum come soon? clutching Charlottes hand, Sophie hid her face in her shoulder.
– Weve talked about this, darling. For now, youre with us. And your mum
Charlotte skirted the painful truth, as the psychologist advised, but Sophie realised soon enough.
– Shes not coming, is she?
Charlotte, simply, honestlylooked her in the eye:
– No, love. Shes not
To Charlottes surprise, Sophie took this quietly. She cried, hugged Charlottes handslet the older girls comfort her for the first time.
A week, anotherthe crying at night did not stop, despite all efforts, therapy, every ounce of love poured from all their hearts.
Emily and Grace tried everything to make her feel at home.
– Gran, why is Sophie still so afraid? We never screamed like that
– Lovelies, youre strong! How you got that strengthbest forgotten, but its yours now. You have so much, you dont even know. Sophiewell, shes fragile. She never had to fight Loves the only medicine for fear. Show her she belongs, and she will seethis house is her refuge. Thats long, hard work, but if you succeed, youll truly know your own strength. Her dreams haunt her, dont they?
– Its her dreams that scare usnot the sleep.
– The splinters in her little heart do the harm. Make her something, show her shes wanted. Maybe itll help
So the girls thought. They tried giving her hairbands, a blouseSophie gently declined, saying Charlotte bought her all she needed. The teddy Emily gave her sat on the desk, ignored.
But Olivers new bookgiven by Barbaradid the trick.
– Whats that, Ollie?
– Its a dreamcatcher! Lets make one for Sophieher dreams will get caught here, in the web, and shell stop crying and shouting.
Emily clapped her hands, grabbing the book.
– Lets have a go!
Yarn, beads, and featherstwo of Barbaras best geese donated their Sunday bestand the project began.
Oliver, beside his sisters, picked out beads, whispering:
– Blue, her favourite; red, mine. Yellow, for Emily; white, for Grace
They kept it a surprise from Sophie, in case it didnt work.
And so Sophie continued to weep at night
On this night, Sophie, gasping from her own screams, reached for Charlotte as she enteredin an instant, seeking comfort:
– Dont give me away!
Charlotte rushed to her, shocked at her fever.
– Sweetheart, youre burning up! Hush, no one will take you!
– Not him? whispered Sophie.
– Who, darling?
– Daddy
It dawned on CharlotteSophie knew what had happened, perhaps witnessed it all.
Cursing those who hadnt told her, she clutched Sophie; barked orders at the girls:
– Phone! Ambulance! And wake your fatherI need him!
– Im here.
William entered, kissed Sophies brow.
– Quite something
– For you! Will, what do we do? Ambulance may take ages
– Well try Mums old way!
– How?
He tore a sheet from Graces bed, rushed for cold water.
– Grace, get wet flannels, and the medicine! She must keep drinking!
The next half hour blurredCharlotte fought for their daughter, no longer questioning whether she could love another child; she already did, she realised, shed simply been afraid to admit her heart was now home to five.
The paramedics didnt chide the exhausted woman in her damp pyjamas, holding a sniffling girl and kissing her brow.
– She fell
– Who, dear? Your girl? Any head injuries? Dizziness? Sick?
– Not the childthe fever
– Oh, not the child! Well, splendid. Less work for us. Call your GP in the morning; weve no more business here.
Morning found Charlotte still in the nursery. Waking, she blinked in wonder at what hung on the wall overhead.
– Whats that? she whispered to Grace, who sat reading quietly by sleeping Sophie.
– Dreamcatcher, Mum! Emily and I finished it while you slept. It was Olivers idea, from his new book. Its supposed to keep out bad dreams. Though I dont think shell need it now.
– Why not?
– Because Sophie already has one.
– Oh?
– Of course! You She held your hand all night, no screaming. You mustve chased those bad dreams away, right?
– Perhaps And you know what?
– What?
– Shes more than one dreamcatcher.
– How many?
– Countyou, Emily, Oliver, Dad, me. Gran too, when she stays. Grandad at weekends Loads. Charlotte glanced at the clock on the nursery wall and gasped. What time is it?
– Nearly lunch, Mum! Dad said not to wake you.
– But Samuelhell be hungry!
– Not a bit! Dad warmed his bottle. Oh, and grans arrivedboth of them, actually! Barbara says shell stay to help. Grandads down at weekends. Granny Margaret says shell stay, too. They argued a bit, but now theyre wrapping up the house with tea. Mum, guess whatgran Barbara brought us a chick! A real chick! So tiny! Olivers in lovesits by the box not moving. Maybe we need a cat? Or a dog? Its a big house, and weve no pets. Grans house is full of them!
From the doorway, Oliver poked his head in, whispering that lunch was ready. He pressed to Charlotteshe ruffled his hair, kissed Samuels head, and felt a rare, perfect peace.
Barbara peeped in, holding Samuelnodded, sent the children to eat.
– Ill bring you both some. Hows our girl?
Charlotte stroked Sophie, smiling with relief.
– No fever
– Jolly good! Poor mite, shes had enough. You and your consultantsall a child needs is love and a safe house. That does the trick. What is that on the wall?
Barbaras attention caught on the odd thing; Charlotte laughed softly.
– A dreamcatcher! The girls made it for Sophie.
– Well, then! If youve love, a home, and time, Charlotte, youll manage.
As she watched her mother-in-law leave, Charlotte bent to whisper over her daughter, blowing away the grey fog that sometimes crept into her youngests dreams.
– Shoo! Off you go. Shes mineours.
Childrens voices echoed from the kitchen, followed by Barbaras retort and laughterjoined, to her sudden surprise, by Margarets chuckle. Williams car horn sounded from the drive.
Charlotte smiled, soothing Sophie in her arms.
Finally, all is as it should beall in their place, all their own, all at home.
Perhaps someone is still missing. Who knows time will tell.
