Let your wife stay at the cottage for now, the commanding voice of my motherinlaw rings out from the kitchen. My friend and her daughter are arriving. They plan to stay a week, maybe longer.
I glance at my husband, who looks as stunned as I feel.
Mum, which friend? he shouts back.
The one and only! Evelyn Harper replies, snapping out of the hallway.
Where am I supposed to go? I ask, bewildered.
Liz, you heard every word I said, Evelyn snaps.
She rummages through her wardrobe, pulling out crystal glassesthe ones she reserves for special guests.
Now, when are you sending her off? she asks my husband.
Whom, Mum? he protests.
Victor, stop playing the fool, Evelyn rolls her eyes. Your wife, the clumsy one.
Mum, why cant your friend just book a hotel?
Are you out of your mind? Have you seen the rates? Liz will live at the cottage until she stops embarrassing me.
Then Ill move to the cottage too. Summers here, lets take a break and relax.
I think thats a good idea, I agree with Victor.
No, you, son, I need you here!
Mum, we have a threebedroom flat. You have your own room, we have ours, and the sittingroom is emptyyour friend can stay there.
***
After the first meeting with Susan, I realise this will be a nightmare. Evelyn has always opposed our marriage; she even tried to skip the wedding, only to be dragged there by Victors sister.
Two months have passed since the wedding and Evelyn still hasnt accepted me into the family. We now live in Victors parents flat after his father died about a year ago, and Evelyn is terrified of being alone.
Fine, Evelyn concedes, then your wife must never leave her bedroom.
How do you expect that to work, Evelyn? I snap.
Alright, Ill think of something.
Mum, when is your mysterious friend arriving?
She should be here any minute, Evelyn says, glancing at the clock.
The front doorbell rings.
What punctuality, I mutter.
Evelyn darts to answer, and Victor and I follow her.
Good afternoon, Susan!
Hello, Evelyn!
A large woman steps in, followed by a teenage girl.
Everyone, meet my princess! Evelyn declares, waving her hands.
Does the princess have a name? Victor giggles.
Angela! the girl announces, a sturdy twelveyearold weighing about 120lb.
Evelyn, introduce us to yours, Susan says, looking at Victor and me.
This is my son, VictorIve told you about him.
I remember, a nice lad, Susan smiles.
And this is, Evelyn points at me, his cousin, twice removed!
My jaw drops as Victor bursts out laughing.
Evelyn, you
At that moment Victor pulls me toward the hallway.
Liz, lets not reveal who we are just yet.
Why not? I ask, confused.
Dont you see whats happening?
Explain.
It seems Mum invited her friend for a reason.
Im starting to get it. Your mothers found you a new wife.
Lets see what they plan next; well always manage to tell the truth.
We return to the corridor where the guests start to take off their coats.
Victor, help Angela with that lovely backpack, Evelyn commands.
Evelyn, where are our apartments?
Here, Susan, Evelyn leads them into the sittingroom.
Later, we sit down to dinner. Evelyn has laid out a lavish spread fit for New Years. In the centre sits Angela, flanked by her mother and Evelyn.
I sit apart from Victor, as Evelyn decides. Princess, she coos, serving chicken and potatoes, while the two older women watch with soft eyes.
Angela, dont be shy, eat up, Evelyn urges.
Shes been eating poorly lately, Susan complains. Shes even lost weight.
What happened? Evelyn asks.
Unrequited love, Susan sighs. She fell for a lad, and he ran away!
Maybe she wanted to eat him! Victor jokes.
I nearly fall off the chair laughing.
Victor, where are your manners? Evelyn snaps at her son.
Sorry, didnt mean to offend!
The meal goes on as the mothers sip a bit too much wine.
I want to make an important announcement, Susan says.
Theyre about to start matchmaking, Victor whispers to me from across the table.
Dear Evelyn, Victor, sister! I want our families to unitemy princess is obliged to marry Victor!
We agree! Evelyn shouts, clapping her hands.
Victor cracks up again while I dash out of the kitchen.
I also have an important announcement! I return a minute later.
What now? Evelyn growls.
Im pregnant! I announce loudly.
Just bragging, Evelyn retorts.
From your son, Evelyn, heres proof! I pull out a test showing two clear lines.
Angela stuffs more chicken into her mouth, and Susans vodka slides down the wrong way.
From a cousin? the woman eyes widen.
Whats the big deal? We share a bed, were not hiding anything! We even staged a wedding! Victor declares.
Angela, stand up and leave now! Susan orders.
Mom, I havent finished my chicken yet, the princess whines.
We wont stay in this sinful house any longer!
Susan and her daughter head for the door, and Evelyn rushes after them.
Sweetie, dont mind them, theyre just joking.
Your jokes are terrible! Evelyn, I think we should end this friendship.
After that, the two plump ladies walk out.
Victor and I remain at the table, laughing together.
Evelyn spends another week sulking, but we hardly pay her any mind.
