For five years, she thought she was living with her husband, but as it turned out, she actually wanted him to be her mum.
Helen hailed from a sleepy little town where you could gossip about whod nipped into the bakery and run out of news by elevenses. Thats where she was struck by Cupids wayward arrow and tumbled hopelessly for Alex; he, in turn, tumbled right back for her. One day, they decided to escape their charmingly nosy hamlet. Their families were told they were heading to London to save up for a grand wedding, which was technically true. But after some time in the Big Smoke, smarter heads prevailedwhy squander their hard-earned pounds on a wedding when a sensible mortgage was awaiting repayment?
So, they did whats been trending lately: they tied the knot in trainers and jeans, shunned gifts except for envelopes full of cash, and served a buffet where the only dancing was dodging the neighbours elbows. The wedding windfall went straight to the bank, chipping away at the mortgage. Their mums, scandalised but not to be outdone, managed to throw a modest tea at home, complete with slightly stale fairy cakes.
Fast-forward five years and child-free, Helen and Alex were still all about tackling that mortgage; the wedding loot hadnt covered nearly half. Helens mothera battle-hardened single mumnever missed a chance to ring up and remind her, every other Tuesday, that she was rather looking forward to grandchildren. Helen, however, wasnt there yet. With time on their side, they didnt rush.
But suddenly, Helen started having gripes about Alex, the sort shed harboured quietly before but previously managed to swallow. One day, she phoned me and let rip:
He chats on the phone to everyone else for ages, and with me its just hi, bye, gotta dash.
But youll have loads of time to talk when he comes home from work, I offered, my voice possibly a tad too breezy.
I want to curl up and watch a romantic comedy afterwards, and all hell do is sit there glued to his creepy thrillers.
How many tellies do you two have? Its 2024; you can watch Love Actually on your laptop with headphones. Although, lets face it, if youre sitting on the same sofa facing opposite directions, thats not exactly the domestic bliss you had in mind.
Exactly! she huffed. I dont think Alex gets me at all!
Thats a novel complaint, I said, risking a chuckle.
Why are you laughing?
All right, lets get serious. Helen, when do you actually have fun together?
Oh, when were on holiday or when weve got people round. Hes so thoughtful then
An hour later, Id had the full Helen-and-Alex saga, with all the hills and valleys. She explained that all the girls at college had envied her whirlwind romance. But, as we talked, I realised her trouble was an unfulfilled urge to show offshe wanted to be paraded, noticed, adored. That was the first part. The second, as it turned out
So, Helen, whats your vision of the perfect marriage?
Well, it simply has to involve children.
Thats the popular answer. But we both know plenty of marriages founder when the babies arrive
My husband should be interested in my day, care about my mood, judge my outfit, praise my shepherds pie
So, he doesnt appreciate what you do?
Oh, he says it tastes good, but for me, thatsnot quite enough.
Lets get granular then. You serve himwhat, sausage and mash for exampleand then?
He rubs his hands together and starts grinning.
Thats a compliment, you know! I doubt youd feel much better if he shoved the plate away and muttered hes suddenly gluten-free
Helen went quiet; I got the sense she wasnt really sure what she was cross about, but had convinced herself Alex was at fault. I thought about her complaints and, to test my theory, asked about her relationship with her mum.
Turns out, Helens mother is the emotional sortforever interrogating her about the tiniest details, but always quick to whisper there, there, love, itll all turn out all right when things went sideways.
You do sometimes hear people say that we marry those most like our parents, or at least those wholl smother us in affection. Helen never knew her dad and didnt realise most people arent quite so effusive as her mum.
So I told Helen that for five years shed been married to her mother and was unconsciously expecting Alex to act just like her doting mum. At first, Helen was gobsmacked, but after a bit of reflection, she agreed.
So, how do I divorce my mum? she asked.
Very simply. Every time you get annoyed with Alex, just picture that its not actually himits your ever-attentive mum sitting next to you. Honestly, he doesnt stand a chance competing with her.
Thats it!
Just that! And youll see, those grievances will disappear all by themselves.Helen laughed, properly this timethe kind of laugh that rattles loose the old grievances you didnt know you wanted to let go of. That night, instead of moping, she made sausage and mash, plonked it in front of Alex, and, when he did his delighted hand-rubbing routine, she joined in, grinning just as wide. They watched a thriller together, but she leaned into his shoulder, letting the shadows on-screen flicker past while she paid more attention to the solid warmth beside her.
Days passed. There were still squabbles over remote controls and awkward silences over burnt toast, but Helen stopped measuring every gesture against her mothers impossible bar. She discovered that Alexs mumbling yum was his version of a sonnet, and the way he gripped her hand during storms meant more than a dozen there, there, loves ever could.
The next time her mum rang, Helen listened patiently to the usual chorus of longing for grandchildren. But when she hung up, she turned to Alex, wrapped her arms around him, andat long lastfelt like she was exactly where she belonged: right between the everyday mess and the accidental joys, no mum required.
Maybe love isnt about being doted on or paraded. Maybe its just choosing to find delighteven in sausage and mash, even in the unremarkablefor years and years, together.
