For five years she believed she was living with her husband, but really, she wanted to live with him as she would with her mother.
Charlotte came from a quaint English village. It was there that Cupids arrow found her. She fell for William, and he fell for her. Together, they made up their minds to leave the comfort of their hometown behind. They told their parents they were heading to London to save up for a wedding. And indeed, they did leave to earn money. But ultimately, they decided not to spend it on a lavish celebration.
They did what many young couples do these days: exchanged vows in trainers and jeans, gifts accepted only as cash, and, in place of a grand reception, a simple buffet. The money they received as gifts went straight to paying off their mortgage. When they journeyed home, their mothers held a modest tea for them right in their childhood gardens.
Five years sailed by after the wedding. They decided to postpone having children, focusing instead on paying off their house; the wedding gifts hadnt covered everything. Charlotte’s mother, a determined woman whod raised her daughter alone, rang often to remind her that she was quite ready to be a grandmother. But Charlotte still didnt feel prepared. There was no rushno pressure of the clock hanging over themso they continued to wait.
Then, suddenly, Charlotte began to voice complaints about William, complaints shed held inside before but could no longer keep at bay. She rang me up and said:
He spends ages chatting with others on the phone, but with me its barely hello and goodbye.
When he gets home, youll have plenty of time to talk together, I replied.
I want to watch a romantic film after work, but he only has eyes for horror movies.
How many televisions have you got? I asked. These days, you could both watch what you like on laptops with headphones. But thats hardly family life if you sit side by side, looking in different directions.
I know! I dont think William gets me at all!
Thats a rather unique claim.
Why are you laughing?
I promise, Ill stop. Charlotte, when do you two actually enjoy yourselves together?
On holidays, or when we have friends over Thats when he really comes into his own, looking after everyone
My chat with Charlotte lasted almost an hour. She told me how theyd met, about how all the girls envied her happiness. From our talk, it became clear that Charlotte felt a need to showcase herself, to be admired. That was the first problem, but there was another
Charlotte, how do you imagine an ideal marriage?
Its got to include children.
Fair enoughpeople do say that. But plenty of marriages break down after the children arrive
A husband should take an interest in my mood, ask how my day went He should give me compliments, notice my outfit, praise my cooking
Doesnt he appreciate you?
He says dinners tasty, but that just doesnt feel enough.
So, walk me through ithe gets home, you serve him, lets say, mash and sausages, and then
He starts rubbing his hands and smiles.
But thats his way of showing he likes it! I suspect youd feel rather awkward if he just pushed the plate away and said he wasnt hungry
Charlotte fell quiet, and I dont think she completely understood the meaning behind her complaint. Somehow, she still held resentment towards her husband. I pondered for a while about the real source of her dissatisfaction. To confirm my hunch, I asked about her bond with her mother.
I found out her mother was a passionate woman. She often overwhelmed Charlotte with questions and remarks, but if anything went amiss, shed be right there to reassure her daughter things would be fine.
You often hear the saying that we marry someone like our parent or whoever gives us the most love. Charlotte never knew her father, so she didnt realise not everyone expresses their feelings as openly as her mum.
I told Charlotte that for the last five years, shed really been playing the role of her mothers daughter in her marriage, hoping her husband would mirror her mums ways. At first, Charlotte was taken aback, but eventually, she saw the truth in it.
So how do I divorce my mother? she asked.
Its straightforward. Whenever youre annoyed, imagine that William isnt really the cause; its just your thoughtful mum with you. And William can never compete with her!
Thats just it!
Thats all there is to it! And youll see those grievances will disappear in time.
And so Charlotte learned that its important to see your partner as they are, not as a replacement for someone else. True happiness in marriage comes from accepting and appreciating your loved ones differences, instead of wishing theyd behave exactly as someone from your past.
