Heartless

Without a Soul
Claudia returned home after her visit to the hairdresser.
Despite her respectable age shed just turned sixty-eight she regularly treated herself with trips to her stylist.
She always made sure her hair and nails were neat, and these simple routines lifted her spirits and made her feel alive.
Claudia, some relative of yours stopped by, her husband, George, informed her.
I told her youd be home later.
She said shell come again.
What relative?
I havent got any left! Claudia grumbled.
Probably some distant connection wanting something.
You shouldve told her Id moved to Australia!
Why lie? George said, shaking his head.
She looked like shes from your side of the family, tall and dignified, reminds me a bit of your late mother.
She wasnt here to ask for anything, I think.
Shes quite refined and dressed well.
About forty minutes later, the relative came to the door.
Claudia opened it herself.
The woman really did resemble her mother and was dressed in an expensive coat, boots, gloves, and earrings set with tiny diamonds.
Claudia recognised quality.
She invited the woman to sit at her already-prepared table.
We may as well introduce ourselves if were family.
Im Claudia, no need for formalities.
I see were close in age.
This is my husband, George.
How exactly are we related? Claudia asked.
The woman hesitated, blushing slightly.
Im Helen.
Helen Williams.
Were not far apart in age.
I turned fifty on June twelfth.
Does that date mean anything to you?
Claudia went pale.
I can see you remember.
Yes, Im your daughter.
Please, dont worry, I dont want anything.
I just wanted to see my real mother.
My whole life, I never understood why she didnt love me shes been gone eight years now.
Why only Dad cared for me?
He died recently, just two months ago, and only then he told me about you.
He asked you to forgive him, if you can, Helen explained, her voice trembling.
You have a daughter? George asked, stunned.
Apparently so.
Ill explain everything later, Claudia replied.
So youre my daughter?
Right.
Have you seen me now?
If you expect me to apologise or ask for forgiveness, youll be disappointed.
I wasnt at fault.
I hope your father told you everything?
If you hope to awaken maternal feelings in me there wont be any.
Sorry, Claudia said, coldly.
May I visit again?
I live just outside town.
Weve got a big two-storey house.
You and your husband can come over.
Maybe youll get used to the idea that I exist.
I brought photos of your grandson and great-granddaughter, would you like to see them? Helen asked timidly.
No.
I dont want to.
Please dont visit again.
Forget about me.
Goodbye, Claudia replied sharply.
George called a taxi for Helen and walked her to it.
When he returned, Claudia had already cleared the table and was watching television calmly.
What nerve youve got!
You should be running armies.
Have you really not got a shred of soul?
I always suspected you were ruthless and heartless, but this I never imagined, George said quietly.
We met when I was twenty-eight, right?
Well, dear husband, my soul was taken and trampled long before that.
I was a country girl who dreamt all her life of escaping to the city.
So I studied hard, was the only one from my class to get into university.
I met William when I was seventeen.
I was madly in love.
He was nearly twelve years older but it didnt bother me.
After my poverty-stricken childhood, city life was like a fairy tale.
My student grant was never enough.
I was always hungry, so I happily accepted Williams invitations to the café or for ice cream.
He never promised me anything, but I was sure our love meant hed marry me.
One evening, when he invited me to his cottage, I agreed without hesitation.
I was certain that after what happened between us, he was bound to me for good.
The cottage visits became regular.
It soon became clear that I was pregnant with his child.
I told William.
He was overjoyed.
Knowing my condition would soon be obvious, I asked when wed get married.
I was eighteen by then, old enough for a marriage license.
Did I ever promise to marry you? William replied.
I didnt, and I wont.
Im already married…, he said, with no change in tone.
“But what about the baby?
What about me?”
Youre young and healthy.
They could sculpt a statue of you.
Take academic leave from your university for now.
Study until your bump shows.
After that, my wife and I will take you in.
We havent managed to have a child maybe its because my wife is quite a bit older.
When you give birth, well adopt your baby.
Dont worry about the formalities.
I may be young, but Im well-placed in the town council, and my wife heads a hospital department.
So rest assured.
After birth, have a proper rest and go back to university.
Well even pay you.
Back then, no one had heard of surrogate motherhood.
I must have been the only surrogate in those days.
What was I supposed to do?
Go back to the village and shame my family?
I lived in their house until the birth.
Williams wife never spoke to me maybe she was jealous.
I gave birth at home, with a midwife brought in, everything proper.
I didnt breastfeed, the baby was taken away immediately.
I never saw her again.
A week later, they said goodbye delicately, William handed me some money.
I returned to university, then got a job at the factory.
Got a room in staff housing.
First worked as a supervisor, then became senior quality control manager.
I had plenty of friends, but no one proposed until you turned up.
I was twenty-eight, didnt really want marriage, but it was necessary.
The rest you know.
We had a good run three cars, a house filled with everything one could need, a well-kept cottage.
Holidays every year.
Our factory survived the nineties because tractor parts were only made in one workshop, nobody knows what goes on elsewhere.
Its still surrounded by barbed wire and guard towers.
We both got early retirement, we have it all.
No children, and I dont want them.
When I see kids these days Claudia finished her confession.
We didnt have a good run.
I loved you.
I spent my whole life trying to warm your heart, but I never succeeded.
Fair enough, no children, but you never showed kindness not to a kitten, not to a puppy.
When my sister asked for help with her niece, you wouldnt let her stay even a week.
Your daughter came, and look how you greeted her!
Your own flesh and blood.
If we were younger, Id file for divorce.
Now its too late.
Theres a chill next to you, Claudia, a real chill, George replied angrily.
Claudia was a little frightened.
Her husband had never spoken to her so sharply.
Her peaceful life had been unsettled by the arrival of her daughter.
George moved to the cottage.
For years now, he lives there.
Hes got three dogs that he rescued as puppies, countless cats and kittens.
He rarely visits.
Claudia knows he spends time with her daughter Helen, knows everyone there, and adores his great-granddaughter.
Hes always been soft-hearted, she thinks.
Let him live how he wants.
Shes never been interested in getting to know her daughter, grandson, or great-granddaughter.
She travels to the seaside alone.
She relaxes, gathers her strength, and feels wonderful.