**How Kevin Found a Woman Who Didnt Cost a Penny. But He Wasnt Pleased.**
“You see, Ive tried dating apps more times than I can count, but its such a drainwriting messages, trying to keep them interested, hammering away at my keyboard, listening to their dull little problems If I could just skip all that, Id be chuffed to bits!” said Kevin. “Is there a way a woman could just pick *me*, no small talk, no memorising lads mag jokes, no pretending to be clever?”
“Easy enough,” shrugged the creature made of thick grey smoke. “You called me, after all. Might as well get your moneys worth.”
“Brilliant. Now, add thisIm not spending a single quid on her. No coffee dates, no buying her cakes, no wondering if Ill even get a return on investment. No dressing up, no sucking in my gut, no pretending to be someone Im not. Shes got to take me straight to her place. Can you do that?”
The smoky figure conjured a notepad and pen, scribbling with the brisk efficiency of a waiter taking an order. “Anything you like. What else?”
“Well, obviously, no demands for gifts. No iPhones, no diamonds, no designer handbags. None of that. Just pure, selfless lovenone of that gold-digging nonsense you get here. Blokes abroad have it sortedwomen work while they lounge about, and no one bats an eyelid. Over here, though, theyd call you a ‘kept man’ before you could blink. I wont have it.”
“Consider it done,” the creature said, rolling its smoky shoulders. “But Kevin, youre holding back. Youve summoned a demon, not filled out a dating profile. Women like that exist without magicwhy not ask for something *special*?”
“Fine. Shes got to be a proper homemaker,” Kevin counted off on his fingers. “Cooking, cleaning, fussing over mebut never expecting a lift finger in return. No nagging, just smiles and affection whenever I walk in. And absolutely no kidseveryone knows women are the ones who want them. Not me. Thats it.”
“Bold choices,” the creature mused, shaking its ashy head. “But most blokes settle for less. Older, plainer women. Youd rather a uni girl, wouldnt you?”
“Too right!” Kevin nearly jumped, relieved he hadnt forgotten the most important bit. “Tall, gorgeous, slimskin like peaches. But sweet-natured, tender-hearted, none of that modern sharpness. Girls these days, you know how it is”
“Oh, I do,” said the creature. For a second, Kevin thought it smirkedif smoke could smirk. Not that it mattered. Soon, hed meet *the one*. Or rather, shed sweep him off his feet, drag him home, and
Kevin shut his eyes, grinning. When he opened them, he was sprawled on a frigid bin-strewn alley, a sausage wrapper and fish skeleton beside him. His ribs ached. Everything loomed strangely large. But a womans laughterlight, musicalstill rang through the air.
“Look, Emily! Poor little thingmustve been attacked by dogs. Im taking him home! Ill cuddle him, feed him, keep him safe!”
“Youre too soft, Alice,” scoffed another voice, harder-edged. “Bringing home strays. What if he yowls all night? What if he wants kittens?”
“He wont. Ill take him to the vet.” Gentle hands scooped him up. “Come here, sweetheart”
Kevin tried to shout, but only a pitiful mewl escaped. The last thing he saw was Alices beaming face before she tucked himpurring helplesslyunder her coat.
