So, you wont believe what happened when Tom introduced his girlfriend to his mum. He tried to sound all casual, like, Mum, this is my girlfriend, Emily but you could absolutely hear the nerves in his voice. And, well we wanted to you know erm we He started stumbling over his words, bless him.
His mum, Margaret, just eyed Emily up and down and went, Mm-hmm I know what it is you want, Tom, but does your girlfriend want the same? Emily, do you know my son well at all?
Emily, not fazed in the slightest, grinned and said, Oh, I know him inside out.
Margaret raised her eyebrows and, in her confusion, got all formal. Excuse me? Do well-bred young ladies say things like that?
Emily just shrugged. Oh, its just an expression, isnt it? But theres no point carrying on about Tom. Actually, I think you and I have more to discussafter all, we might not get along ourselves.
Margaret looked completely thrown. What do you mean by that?
Well, Emily said, dead serious, think about it: well be up late together waiting for Tom to get home from his nights out, and well both have to put up with his snoring after hes had a few too many pints.
Margaret tried to take charge, Now, hang on! Thats got nothing to do with meyou two will be sleeping in separate rooms wont you?
Oh but youll still be hovering outside the door, worrying yourself sick. All mums do.
Tom, meanwhile, was sat there looking completely baffled. What are you lot going on about?
Be quiet! both Emily and Margaret snapped at him at the same time.
Then Emily leaned in and said, So, Margaret, I have to askhave you and Tom ever come to blows? Only Tom refuses to answer me on that one.
Margarets eyes widened, scandalised. Come to blows? Do women do such things?
Emily chuckled, Youd be surprisedsome wives clobber their husbands so much that you wouldnt believe it.
Margaret just shook her head and covered her face with her hands, muttering, Good grief the things you say
Come on now, Margaret, Emily said, confidingly, surely, youve wanted to give your husband or your son a little smack, havent you?
Margaret looked as if she might give in, but tightened up with, No, of course not. Never.
Emily smiled, I appreciate your attempt at respectability, but I dont buy it. I mean, raising a lad like Tommustve been tempted to give him what-for, surely? By the way, did you ever give him a smack on the bottom when he was a kid?
Most certainly not! said Margaret, this time telling the truth.
Tom started to pipe up again, Oi, you lot but got instantly shut down with another chorus of, Be quiet!
Emily patted Tom on the behindhe went bright redand said, Oh, Margaret, you were far too easy on him. A bum like Toms, always finding trouble, needs a little punishment every now and then. But on the whole, hes a good lad. Theres still hope for him, you know. Anyway, how about a nice cup of tea? I brought a lovely Victoria sponge to go with it. Makes these sorts of chats much friendlier.
Later that evening, when Toms dad, John, got in from work, Margaret announced in front of Tom, Darling! Our Tom is finally going to settle down and get married!
John clapped his hands, beaming, Well, I never! It cant be truefantastic news!
Tom quickly interjected, Hold on, Im only thinking about it, dont get ahead of yourselves.
Margaret turned stern, No, son, this time youre getting married. And if you change your mind, Ill just adopt Emily as my daughter instead!
Tom burst out laughing, Mum, shes not an orphanshes got parents!
Margaret shrugged and kept the stiff upper lip going: Well then, Ill return you to the hospital, say they gave me the wrong child in 1996! And your dad will back me up.
John nodded with mock seriousness and raised a fist at Tom, Absolutely, if I must, Ill swear on it!The room filled with laughter, the kind that steamed up the kitchen windows and made the clock on the wall seem to tick a little slower. Tom, finally relaxing, shook his head and surrendered, Alright, alright! I give inyou lot are scarier than a proposal itself. Emily grinned and squeezed his hand under the table, her eyes twinkling with mischief and something soft, just for him.
Margaret caught the look and, for a brief moment, let her mask drop. She reached out, not for Tom, but for Emily, and warmly squeezed her shoulder. Well then, she said, gentle for the first time, perhaps our Tom has better taste than I gave him credit for.
John winked across at Tom and sliced everyone a thick piece of sponge. To family, new and old, he toasted.
And as they all raised their mugs, Tom realisedmaybe love wasnt about grand speeches or perfect introductions, but about laughter and cake, and the wonderful chaos that happened when you tried to fit new hearts around the old ones. If this was what settling down meant, he thought, then perhaps, for once in his life, he was ready.
And in that busy, noisy kitchen, with crumbs on the table and Margaret already demanding wedding dates, Tom squeezed Emilys hand back and quietly, so only she could hear, whispered, Lets stay for pudding first, then well see about the future.
Emily laughed, and for the first time all day, even Margaret joined in.
