I know best
Saturday, a rainy, grey morning in Manchester, and I found myself kneeling in front of my daughter. The faded patches on her cheeks had returned, those stubborn little marks that made me feel utterly helpless. Anna, only four, stood in the middle of the living room, patient and unnaturally solemn for a child her age. Shed gotten used to my worried glances, to Mums anxious face, to the endless creams and tablets.
Emily came over and knelt beside me, her fingers gently brushing Annas fringe away from her eyes.
These ointments arent working at all. Its like giving her water, she sighed. And the GPs at the surgeryI really dont know how qualified they are. Third round of treatment, and nothings changed.
I got up, rubbing the bridge of my nose as the drizzle blurred the window. The day looked set to be as bleak as yesterday. We dressed Anna quickly, bundled her into a warm coat, and within half an hour we were sitting in Mums flat.
Margaret tutted, shaking her head as she stroked Annas back.
So little, yet so many medicines. Its hard on her system, she said, lifting Anna onto her lap, and my daughter leaned in, accustomed to her grandmothers comfort. Poor thing.
We dont want to dose her with so much, believe me, Emily said, fingers nervously woven together at the edge of the sofa. But whatever we do, the allergy isnt going away. Weve cleared out everything. She only eats the bare essentialsand still, this rash.
What do the doctors say? asked Margaret.
Nothing definite. They cant pin it down. Tests, blood work, allergy screens, but all we get Emily gestured wearily. This. Her cheeks.
Margaret sighed and straightened Annas collar.
Maybe shell grow out of it. Kids sometimes do. But for now, theres nothing comforting about it.
I stared at my daughter. Tiny, skinny, big attentive eyes. I stroked her head and remembered my own childhoodsneaking Mums homemade scones from the kitchen, pleading for sweets, eating raspberry jam directly from the jar. Annas childhoodboiled veg, plain chicken, water. No fruit, no sweets, none of that lovely, normal food children enjoy. Four years old and her diets stricter than anyone with an ulcer.
We honestly dont know what else to take out, I said quietly. Shes not left with much to eat.
On the drive home, we sat in silence. Anna fell asleep in the back, and I kept glancing at her in the rear-view mirror. Sleeping peacefullyfor now, not scratching.
Mum rang, Emily said suddenly. She wants Anna over next weekend. Got theatre tickets, wants to take her to see Punch and Judy.
The theatre? I shifted gears. Thats good. She should get out, enjoy herself.
I thought so, too. Itll be a nice distraction for her.
Saturday morning was damp and chilly. I parked outside my mother-in-laws house and carried Anna from the car seat. She yawned sleepily, rubbing her eyes with her fistswed had to wake her early. I lifted her onto my hip, and she buried her nose in my neck, warm and feather-light, like a little sparrow.
Rosemary appeared at the doorway, arms outstretched, floral dressing gown billowing behind her as she gave an over-the-top welcome.
Oh, my darling girl, my sunshine, she declared, pulling Anna into her bosom. Youre so pale and thin. Hollow cheeks. What have you done with all those strict diets, poor child!
I shoved my hands into my pockets, chewing down my annoyance. Same as always.
Were doing it for her sake. Not because we want to.
What sake? Rosemary pursed her lips, looking at Anna as though shed come back from a POW camp. Skin and bone! Children need food to growyoure starving her.
She whisked Anna inside, not looking back, the door clicking shut softly behind them. I stood on the path, thoughts scratching at the edges of my mind, a half-formed suspicion flickering and vanishing like mist. I rubbed my forehead, lingered for a minute in the quiet, then headed back to my car.
The weekend without Anna felt odda distant, forgotten sensation. On Saturday, Emily and I went to Sainsburys, filling up a trolley with food for the week.
Back at the flat, I wrestled with the dripping tap in the bathroom for hours, while Emily emptied out cupboards, bundling old clothes for charity. Just ordinary tasks, but the house felt off-kilter, unnaturally empty without Annas voice.
In the evening, we ordered pizzathe one dripping with mozzarella and basil, off-limits to Anna. Opened a bottle of Merlot, sat in the kitchen and talked about nothing in particularwork, whether wed ever finish the redecoration, what to do with the summer holiday.
Its nice, Emily said suddenly, then bit her lip. I meanits just quiet. Peaceful.
I know, I said, taking her hand. I miss her too. But we do need a break sometimes.
On Sunday, I drove over to pick Anna up as the sun set, flooding the streets with deep orange light. Rosemarys old house sat at the back of the garden, beyond ancient apple trees, bathed in the dying glow.
I pushed the gateit squeakedand stopped, staring.
Anna sat on the porch steps, with Rosemary beaming beside her, face radiating pure delight. In her hand was a pastya big, golden, butter-glazed Cornish pasty. Anna was munching away, cheeks smeared, chin crumbly, her eyes sparkling in a way I’d not seen in months.
For several seconds, I could only stand and watch. Then a wave of hot anger surged through me.
I strode forward, snatching the pasty from Rosemarys hand.
What do you think youre doing?!
Rosemary recoiled, her face turning scarlet.
She waved her hands, trying to deflect my fury.
Its just a bit, hardly anything! Oh, come on, its just a pasty
I barely listened. I swooped Anna into my armsshe went quiet, clutching my jacketheaded off to the car. Strapped her into the booster seat, hands shaking with rage. Anna stared up at me, lips trembling, on the verge of tears.
Its all right, sweetheart, I soothed her, smoothing her hair, trying to keep my voice even. Just wait here a minute. Daddyll be right back.
I shut the car door and marched back to the porch. Rosemary stood wringing her dressing gown, face blotchy.
James, you dont understand
Dont understand? I stopped two steps from her, voice rising. Six months! Six months we didnt know what was wrong with our girl! The tests, the bloodwork, the allergy screeningsdo you have any clue what all that cost us? The sleepless nights?
Rosemary shrank towards the doorway.
I was only trying to help
Help? I stepped forward. We kept her on water and plain chicken! Cleared everything out of her diet! And you go behind our backs feeding her fried pastries?
I thought I could make her immune! Rosemary suddenly blurted, defiant now. Just little bits so her body would get used to it. Just a bit more and shed be finebecause of what I did! I know best, I raised three children!
I stared at her, not recognising her anymore. This woman, whom I’d tolerated for years for the sake of Emily and peaceshed poisoned my child. Deliberately. Convinced she knew better than doctors.
Three children, I echoed quietly, and Rosemary paled. So what? Every childs different. Annas not your daughtershes mine. And youre not seeing her again.
What?! Rosemary gripped the bannister. You can’t do this!
I can.
I turned and walked away. Behind me, her shouts rang out, but I didnt look back. Got in the car, started the engine. Rosemary was waving arms at the gate in my rear mirror. I put my foot down.
At home, Emily was waiting in the hall. One look at my face, then at Annas teary eyesand she knew.
Whats happened?
I told her. Just the facts, the rage spent elsewhere. Emily listened in silence, her expression hardening. She picked up the phone.
Mum. Yes, James told me. How could you?
I took Anna to the bathroom to wipe away the crumbs and tears. In the bedroom, I could hear Emilys voicesharp, loud, a strangers. She was laying into her mother as Id never heard before. In the end, I caught the words: Until we sort out Annas allergies, youre not seeing her.
Two months have passed
Sunday lunch at Margarets has become tradition. Today theres a sponge cake on the tablelayers of cream, strawberries. And Anna tucks in, spoon in hand, smearing her face with joy. Her cheeks? Not a single spot.
Whod have thought, Margaret marvelled, shaking her head. Sunflower oil. Such an unusual allergy.
Consultant said its one in a thousand, Emily replied, buttering her slice of brown bread. Swapped everything to olive oilrash vanished in a fortnight.
I watch my daughter, drinking in the sight: pink cheeks, shining eyes, cream on her nose. A happy child who can finally eat normal foodcakes, biscuits, all sorts of treats made without sunflower oil. As it turns out, thats a lot.
Relations with Rosemary are cold. She phones, apologises, cries. Emily keeps it brief. I dont speak to her at all.
Anna reached for more cake, and Margaret nudged the plate closer.
Eat up, sweetheart. Youre all right now.
I leaned back, listening to the rain pattering the windows. The flat is filled with the warmth of baking. My daughter is well. Thats all that matters.







