Stepfather never mistreated them. At least, he didnt begrudge them a meal or scold over schoolworkonly when Emma came home after curfew did he get cross.
I promised your mother Id look after you! he would shout, shouting down her timid protests that she was, actually, eighteen. I know better than you what you can and cant do! Eighteen, are you? Think a little certificate from school means you get to do anything? You should get a proper job first before pretending youre all grown up!
Later, when the heat faded, his voice would soften.
Hell drop you, you knowIve seen that lad who drives you home. Flash car, fancy smile. Hes got it all, why would he want a plain thing like you, Emma? Youll be in tears soon, mark my words.
Emma didnt believe her stepfather. Jamie was handsome, studying at universityyes, his fees were paid but Emma would have loved that herself. Shed tried for a place but didnt get through, hated the college she ended up at. Now she handed out flyers and delivered newspapers, mostly spending her time prepping for next years exams. That was how she met Jamiehanded him a flyer, he took one, then another, then a third and said:
Tell you whatgive me all the flyers and come with us to the coffee shop?
Something odd possessed her, but she agreed. She didnt throw the flyers away; she stuffed them into her backpack and dumped them in the bins behind the coffee shop on her way home.
Jamie introduced her to his friends, bought her pizza and ice cream. She and her younger sister only ever had treats like that on birthdaysthey rarely had money to spare, and her stepfather said they shouldnt touch their benefits, Save them for a rainy day, if something happens to me.
Truth was, he earned well enough, but half went on the car that always seemed to break down, and the rest hed lose at the races. Emma never complainedat least he hadnt thrown her and Abigail out. The flat was his, her mothers had to be sold when she fell ill. Of course, Emma longed for chocolate, pizza, fizzy drinks, but if she ever got hold of any, she gave it all to her sister. Even at Jamies, she asked if she could take a slice of pizza home for Abigail. Jamie looked so surprised, then bought her a whole pizza and a big bar of chocolate with nuts to take home.
Her stepfather was wrong about Jamie. He was kind. With him, Emma felt sharply her own lack, and worked even harder to pass her exams. She got a real job as a cashier at the supermarketthey paid well, and she could buy decent jeans, get her hair done at a proper salon so Jamie could be proud of her.
When Jamie invited her to the cottage for a weekend, Emma knew what would happen, but she wasnt scaredshe was old enough. And besides, they loved each other. At first, she worried her stepfather would never let her go, but he started coming home lateor not at all. Emma knew where he spent the nightswith Aunt Linda, a nurse from their block. Hed smiled at her for ages, though she wasnt keen on getting involved with a man who had two teens from his first marriage. Linda had been married before but divorced, and eventually her stepfathers awkward courtship won her over.
It worked out for Emma, but Abigail sobbed when she found out shed be alone overnight. Emma bought her chocolate, crisps, some fizzy pop, and Abigail grudgingly accepted her fate.
Emma learned she was pregnant far too late. Her periods were always irregular, and she hadnt paid attentionno one had taught her that. Mrs Veronica, the senior cashier, joked one day:
Emma, youre glowinghavent got a bun in the oven, have you?
They laughed, but that night, Emma bought a test. Two lines. She stared, not believingno, it simply couldnt be!
Jamie wasnt pleased. Said the timing was rubbish and pressed money into her hand for the clinic. Emma cried through the night and went anyway. But it was too latesixteen weeks. Turns out, it had happened at the cottage, and shed thought you couldnt get pregnant the first time.
For a while, Emma managed to hide it from her stepfather, but her belly grew fast. She had to admit the truth.
He erupted.
And wheres your boyfriend now? Planning to marry you?
Emma lowered her gaze. She hadnt seen Jamie for a month. Not since he found out shed have to keep the babyhed vanished.
I knew it, muttered her stepfather. I warned you, Emma
He didnt say anything more for a whileprobably talked it over with Linda.
If its come to it, youll have to have the baby. But youll leave her at the hospitalcant have another mouth to feed. Ive got big newsLindas pregnant too. Twins. You see? Three babies under one roofits too much.
Shell be living here? Emma asked, bewildered.
Well, yes. Shell be my wife, where else would she live?
It sounded like a joke, but he was deadly serious. Every day he repeated it, threatening to kick her and Abigail out if Emma brought the baby home. Emma knew it wasnt his wordshe was parroting whatever Linda told him. But that didnt change the factsshe couldnt abandon her child.
Dont fret, Linda said. Babies like yours are wantedyoull find parents, and theyll love her as their own.
Emma cried, called Jamie, desperately tried to think where she might live, with Abigail and the babybut found nothing. One day, while working, Mrs Veronica nodded towards a couple as they passed:
Funny, isnt it? All these years, theyre always in black. Give your whole life to griefI cant see it myself. They should have another child, or adopt.
Emma saw that pair all the timesometimes together, sometimes alone. They were polite, pleasant, though always a bit sad. Emma didnt know their story.
Their daughter died, remember? That minibus crash on the school tripdriver fell asleep, I think. He died, and so did the girl. It was awful. Good peoplehes a doctor, she teaches English. I used to live nearby, when I was married. We all came round, bringing angel figurines. Their daughter had bought an angel on that trip, held it in her hand. It was hard just to recover it. Someone had the idea, then everyone brought them. I worried itd upset her, but it seemed to help.
Emma had seen it in a filmhow a girl gave up her baby to a childless couple. Of course, this pair could have children, might not want onebut she kept thinking about them. She was eight months pregnant, still working so she wouldnt lose her job. One day the couple were at her till, and the man said:
Love, isnt it time for your maternity leave? Youll give birth behind the counter at this rate.
Emma said nothing, though work was agonyher back ached, she suffered heartburn, feet swollen by days end. No one ever asked after her, save the local midwife who scolded herbut that didnt count. The mans concern moved her to tearshappened often these days.
A couple of days later, on her way home with groceries, he caught up and offered to help. Emma felt awkward, but grateful. He was a decent man.
Emma saw an angel in the shop window, going cheapsummer meant no call for porcelain. On impulse, she bought it, got their address from Mrs Veronica, and went.
She panicked as she buzzed the flatperhaps this was wrong, the grief too far gone for angels now. Surely no one brought them anymore.
The woman answered. She recognised Emma instantlyher brows lifted. Emma quickly handed over the figure, shrinking in shame, expecting a slammed dooror worse, a furious shouting.
But neither happened. The woman smiled, took the angel, and said:
Come in. Would you like some tea?
Over tea she told her story. Emma had heard it all from Mrs Veronica, but it was different, harsher and more painful from the woman herself.
Why didnt you have another child? Emma whispered.
I had a very difficult birth. Lost my womb. Never could carry again.
Emma felt guiltywhat right had she to intrude? She wanted urgently to ask about adoption, but words failed.
We thought about it, the woman said, as though reading her mind. Did the training and all. But at the last momentI couldnt. Asked my daughter for a sign. Nothing ever happened.
Just then, a soundlike a glass smashingrang out from the front room. The woman flinched. Emma staredshed thought the flat was empty.
Both went in. Emma half expected a shrinedarkness, candles, a hundred photos. But no, just one picture, a bright room, no candles. Only dozens of angels. One lay on the floor, shattered. The woman scrutinised the shards, voice hollow:
Thats the one. Her figurine.
Emmas cheeks burned. Wasnt this itself a sign?
She gave birth to her daughter on time. By then, Linda lived with them, her twins born premature. The new babies were still at hospital, but soon to come hometwo lovely white cots bought for them, coconut mattresses and all. No one had got anything for Emmas babyshe was supposed to leave her for adoption at hospital. Only Abigail asked, in whispers at night:
Couldnt you hide her somewhereso nobody learns, your baby? Id help.
Emma fought tears at that, always managing not to cry in front of her sister.
Emma prepared a note ahead: she wrote she couldnt keep her baby but promised she was healthy, that they neednt worry. She reminded them of the signthe fallen angel. She slipped her savings into the envelopea couple of hundred pounds. That would help, they were good people.
Discharge was early morning, but dropping off a baby in broad daylight was terrifying. She sat the whole day in the shopping centre, though it was uncomfortable, her head swimming. But her baby needed loving parents.
When the shopping centre closed, Emma waited another hour on the benchthank heaven for summer warmth. When dusk fell, she ventured into their block, slipped in behind a man with his dog.
Her baby was in a carrierEmmad bought it herself, asked Mrs Veronica to bring it. She never asked questions. Now, placing the carrier so the door wouldnt hit it, Emma tucked the envelope under the blanket, then reached for the bellabout to dash awaywhen the door opened. The man, the doctor, stood before her.
What are you doing out here?
Emma nearly jumped.
Then he noticed the carrier.
Whats this?
Tears spilled on their own. Emma poured out everythingabout Jamie, whod left her; her stepfather, supporting them for seven years but now married with twins; Linda, whod told her to relinquish the baby at the hospital.
He listened carefully, then said:
Gails asleepI dont wish to wake her. Lets talk in the morning. Come on, you can make up a bed in the lounge.
Sleeping in a room with dozens of angels was odd. But Emma drifted off at once, clutching her baby tight.
She woke to emptinessher daughter gone. In that instant, Emma realised: she could never part with her, not ever. She wanted to run, find her, reclaim her
Emma leapt up, but before she could move, Gail entered, baby in arms.
Here you are, she smiled. Time for a feedI tried rocking her, but it doesnt last.
As Emma fed her daughter, she couldnt meet Gails eyes. What had the doctor told her? What if theyd decided to adopt the baby? How could Emma say shed changed her mind?
How old is your sister? Gail asked suddenly.
Twelve, Emma replied, surprised.
Do you think shed move in with us?
The question was so strange, Emma looked up in shock.
What? she stammered.
Well, Alexander told me everything. That youve nowhere to go, that your stepfathers kicking you out. I was thinking if your sister stays, theyll make her into a housemaid. Let her live with us too.
What do you mean too? Emma faltered.
Gail nodded towards the glued-together angel by the photo. I think its a sign. That we have to help you, she said simply. Weve plenty of space, come live here. Ill help with your little one. And forget all that nonsenseyou shouldnt separate a mother and child.
Emma felt a rush of joy, and such shame her cheeks flushed red again.
So, do you accept?
Emma nodded, burying her face in her daughters blanket so Gail wouldnt see her tears.
