Im with you
Paul, I just dont know what to do anymore! She wont listen to anyone! Shes determined shes going to have that baby! A baby, Paul? Nineteen years old! Her whole life ahead of her! Shell drop out of university and what then? What, become a cleaner? We have to find some way out! And you need to help me!
How, Mum?
Pauls voice was so cold, it nearly made Irene drop the phone. Her son had never spoken to her like that before. Hed always been the gentle, kind boy she adored. But now? What had she done wrong? But really, it wasnt her fault at allthis whole mess was Claras! All because shed fallen in love, the silly girl! She never listened to her mother, never. But whats the point in complaining now? Ive brought it all upon myself, havent I, Irene Matthews? All that leniency, all that fussing over hernow its come home to roost. But why? Why did it have to come to this? At least Paul turned out a splendid sonintelligent, well-mannered, supportive. Sure, he lives on his own now. Well, of course, hes a grown man, after all. Not yet married, and Ive been telling him its about time! How long am I meant to wait for grandchildren?
When Clara was little, it was all a blur of after-school clubs, trips to competitions, never a moments peace to worry about growing old. But now, Claras grown up, and though shes abandoned sports, shes hardly ever at homealways off somewhere, with friends or her student volunteer group, and now theres him! Lord above, where did she even find that odd creature? Nothing to himlike an amoeba! Irene saw right through him, but Clara fell head over heels. She never could see the truth about people. Now look where its all ended up. And with the holidays coming up, its enough to give you a permanent headache. On top of that, Pauls speaking to her like that! Why that tone? Why does he talk to his mother that way now?
Paul, why are you speaking to me like that?
Where is she, Mum? Paul swung the car into a side street and parked. His usual calm had left him the moment shed said a baby. His hands trembled on the steering wheel; black spots flashed in his vision; part of him wanted to shout out loud, just like before But if shouting didnt help then, it surely wouldnt now. What mattered now was to do somethinganythingto make sure this baby survived, if not for his own lost child (hed never even learnt whether Sophie was expecting a boy or a girl), then at least for Claras. Oh, Mum, what are you doing? You always loved Clara more than me. Of courseyour precious girl, your miracle child… how couldnt you? Golden curls, bright blue eyes. Clarad always been beautiful, even from day one. Paul knew beauty; his extended family was full of aunties and cousins producing sturdy, blue-eyed babies, much prized for their plump arms and legs. But ClaraClara was something else. The blue eyes were all Matthews, but the rest such swan-like grace, her slender arms and neck, legs like a sculptors masterpiece. Mum used to hide her eyes, almost embarrassed by her own daughter. It was only later that shed look on proudly as Clara flitted like a butterfly through family parties. She stood out so much, adults couldnt help but stare.
Now theres real beauty for you! Aunties would sigh, fiddling with their daughters ribbons.
And when Clara first stepped onto the gymnasium floor in her sparkling leotard, it was clear she was made for extraordinary things.
Mum poured her energy into Claras gymnastics career and Paul, finally free from constant scrutiny, could focus on his own life. His mother loved him, but goodness, she did like to flaunt him.
Paul won the Physics Olympiad, you knowthe biggest in the county! His futures secure. A genius, honestly! Results for Maths are out soon, and Im sure itll be just as good! Oh, whats my secret? Nothing really. You just have to put the time in with your children.
Irene never noticed the tight smiles of her friends. She lived in a little world of brilliance and beauty: gifted children, a loving husband, doing work she enjoyed. She taught English with such success, she could shape barely literate teenagers into university candidates within the yearand charged nearly twice the going rate.
Depends whats more important to peoplemoney, or results. If you wont spare the shillings for your child, dont complain. Ill get them where they want to go.
Paul could only marvel how his mother juggled it all. Claras activities, the house, her job. No wonder he was so organised tooshed hammered that into him. It helped him enormously now.
Which is why today, his schedule so full, the news his mother gave him left him completely unmoored.
He remembered too clearly a different day
Im pregnant. Im not having it. Im too young for that sort of responsibility. Its your fault, so you sort it out. Ive found a clinicpay up.
God, what a row that was The only real fight he and Sophie ever had in three years together. Paul yelled until the windows shook. He was furious, but mostly hurthed offered commitment, a ring, a home (however modest), a car, even a growing businesswhat more? Yes, he wasnt a millionaire, but Sophie wasnt a princessjust a regular girl, herself far from wealthy.
Theyd got together after Sophie, rushing down the university corridor, knocked Paul sideways with her broken shoe and a scowl.
What are you doing stood here, scrawling on the wall? Paper shortage? Are you like this at home too?
She barked at him, stripped off the broken shoe, and stalked away on one foot, late for an exam. Paul watched, bewitched, and followed. After the exam, she grabbed him by the arm and waved her gradebook in his face.
Top marks! Thats worth celebrating. Any ideas?
They dated a year before moving in together while Paul cared for his ailing granddad. After granddad passed, the flat felt empty. His parents suggested swapping it for somewhere bigger. Paul missed his grandfather terribly; hed always expected to hear the gruff voice each morning
Come on, student! Got your breakfast on.
Grandpa had once captained tugboats on the Thames, strong and steadyuntil grandmas death.
Wont be long before I follow. Whats the point without her?
Dont say that, granddad. What about me? And Clara?
Ill stick around for you both a wee while longer. Want to see how you two turn out. Thenwelloff to see my darling again.
Hed called grandma my darling since the day they met.
Soft as butter, gentle as a dove. They dont make women like her, Paul. I was a fool and hurt her, but she only ever smiled and shook her head: There you go again, Paul. No nagging, no sceneswish shed have just had a go at me once. Would be easier now.
Really? You deserved it?
Course! Lifes long. But you know, when theres something to forgive, missings a bit lighter. Otherwise it just weighs you down I look for her everywhere, and shes not there Hard, son.
Paul saw that. He saw granddad fade away after grandma, like a candle burning down. Thats when he first understood lovetrue, burning, enduring. The sort hed dreamed of with Sophie. But that cold look she gave him, holding out her hand for his bank card to pay for the clinic, told him it would never be. The next day, she cleared out, took his money, and left. Paul only realised after his card was declined and his bank called about a large withdrawal.
His mother fussed and fretted; his dad simply pulled him aside.
If you need us, lad, were here.
He never told his parents what truly happenedsaid only that he and Sophie broke up. No need for Mums drama, or for her to curse Sophie so much her grandkids would feel it in centuries hence. No, let her think it was his decision. It was easier that way.
That night, he sat for hours in his old bedroom, the same battered sofa his parents refused to replace, thick with darkness and sticky, hopeless thoughts. Where could he find light then?
It was Clara who brought it in. She hovered in the doorway, then dropped cross-legged at his feet, wiped his tears with cool fingers, then laughed and said:
Paul, what can I do? I just want to help
Just stay with me, so I dont do anything silly.
And she sat all night, until Mum found her missing from her own bed and assumed it was nerves before a competition. She never knew theyd spent the night mostly silent until at last, they started talking, and Paul realised Clara, his little sister, was far wiser and gentler than he ever knew. She drew every tangled feeling from him and talked him through itnot a recipe, exactly, but the only words he needed. He saw that there was still something ahead in lifemaybe even a little good.
Clara, you should be a psychologist!
Her blush told him it was her true wish, even if Mum always dreamed only of medals for her daughter. Even now, as Mum breezed through the room, scolding Clara for not being ready while ruffling Pauls hair (which drove him mad), then flew off to make breakfast.
That day, Clara won her competition easily. She danced so brilliantly, the judges looked at each other in amazementwhere did such musicality come from? Habanera filled the air, and Clara expressed perfectly all Pauls pain and hope. That performance might have launched her sporting career to new heightsdiscussions began about her transferring to London. But then disaster struck.
Walking home after training, two boys started following her. Her father was stuck at work, and Clara, determined not to bother her brother, decided to walk home alone, just ten minutes through the back streets.
Miss, wait! Why are you rushing? Come see our dog, hes so sweet!
A low, rumbling growl behind her made Clara walk faster.
Not interested in a chat? Too proud? Thats a shame! Rex, get her!
Shed always been terrified of dogs and knew not to run. There was only a few paces to the building entrance, warm light in the lobby, people inside. She hurried to the steps, hands shaking, but in her panic, forgot it had frozen. She slipped on the icy stairs and fell hard.
When she woke, she was in hospital, Mum nearby, pale as a sheet, rocking back and forth, eyes swollen nearly shut from crying.
Mum
Awake? Irene looked away, and Clara realised how much her mother had been crying. How could this happen, Clara? How could it?
Clara never knew what her mother grieved for morethe nasty fractures and the long road to recovery, or the end of her sporting prospects. There was no comfort, no itll be alright, darling. But Paul gave her what Mum could not:
Hang in there, little one! Ill bring you a gigantic cakeno more diet! Or Ill bundle you up and well have a snowball fight from the bench? Or heylets pick out some fancy new crutches for you, and start prepping for psychology. Still want to do that?
Hed wrap her up in a bear hug; Clara could hide in his arms and the pain almost faded.
Rehabilitation took ages, but by the end of her first year at university, Clara walked almost as well as before. Her stride wasnt as graceful, and sometimes she felt like the Little Mermaid, but at least the crutches and cane were gone. Those special pearly pink crutches that Paul had repainted at a garageshe wanted to keep them as a memento. But after meeting the student volunteer group, she realised there were many worse off. She gave the crutches to Helen, a group coordinator, wheelchair-bound since birth but endlessly resourceful, running their HQ from her flat.
Helen, dont you ever rest? Clara would say, making her hundredth cup of tea and stacking sandwiches for the search team.
What do I need quiet for, Clara? Would it be better to live like a hermit with nothing to do? Im needed. Thats what matters, isnt it?
Thats where she met Adam.
In some ways, Mum was right. Adam was an unremarkable sorthalf invisible, somehow, but did the work of three. Clara learned his story but never told it to her mothershed never understand or approve.
Adam joined the volunteer group after his stepdad went missing. Hed searched alone for a day and a night, then called the volunteers after the police refused to file a missing-person report.
Hes diabetic! Hed never just vanish!
Adams stepfather, George, was the only real father Adam ever knew. Adams mum Linda had been abandoned by Adams biological father before Adam was even born, and raised by his grandparents until Linda reappeared with a new husband, Victor, who tried to impose discipline. The first time Victor hit Adam (over a broken school window), Adam ran and was only found by his grandfather at nightfall.
Youll live with us from now onnever sending you back there.
Linda left Victor less than a year later.
Didnt work out, son. She hovered at the door, awkward, apologising and blaming in the same breath.
He stayed with his grandparents until Linda married George, an older widower, who carefully courted her with patience. Adam didnt take to him at first, but George took him fishing, and gradually, through quiet companionship, Adam came to trust him. Hours on the river, watching the sunrise, talking about nothing much, built a bond deeper than words. George gave Adam his first proper fishing rod; soon Adam was going to him for advice instead of his mother or grandfather.
When his grandparents passed away and he had to move in with George and his mum, he wasnt worriedGeorge was Dad by then. When Linda died of cancer a year later, George formally adopted Adam.
George disappeared one night, having rung Adam to say hed be late back and asking him to buy bread. Adam traced the last bus hed been on, spoke to the driver, and pored over every detail. Volunteers helped search, but it was too late; George died of exposure just yards from a path in the park, unnoticed by passersby.
After the funeral, Adam went to Helen and asked:
How do I help? I want to do something.
Clara introduced Adam to Paul almost immediately.
I really like him, Paul. Maybe more than that.
Thats good, isnt it?
I think so.
What kind of bloke is he?
I think hes a good one
Paul agreed, though he thought they made an odd pair: Clara, tall, almost ethereal; Adam, nondescript. Their parents seemed unsure at first, but he stood by Clara.
All that matters is hes decent, isnt it?
Irene made a noise of disapproval, but said nothing, and their dad gave a thoughtful look and said, Well see.
Well, now we have, Paul thought, as he started his car and pulled out. He needed to find Clara. After a blow-up with Mum, she probably wouldnt go off and do anything drastic, but you never knowespecially since Irene wouldnt have listened, and didnt even know Adam was gone. But there was a baby on the way
A senseless accident took Adama quiet, gentle soulfrom them. Hed been walking home late, chatting to Clara on the phone, when he stepped out into the road, just short of the crossing, wearing a dark winter coat instead of his light one. Paul knew all too well how bad the streetlights werenobody could blame the driver.
It all happened just two days ago. The funeral would be tomorrow, and Clara still hadnt told their parents. She seemed to freeze entirely since the news, unable to cry or talk.
There are no tears, Paul. Nothing will come. I just moan into my pillow so Mum and Dad wont hear.
Have you told them?
I cant. Mum will start You know what shes like I just couldnt take it now.
Paul didnt know why Clara hadnt told him about the pregnancy. Maybe she didnt know herself at first. And when she didperhaps she just couldnt say.
Far too many questions. No answers.
He let himself into Helens flata hub for so much volunteer activityand gently tapped on her kitchen door.
Helen, wheres Clara?
In my room. Shes been waiting for you.
Paul didnt turn on the light; if Clara had been crying, her eyes would hurt.
Paul
Im here.
Good
Her sigh was so soft and so choked, Paul stepped over, gathered her and the duvet into his arms, and held her close.
Dont be scared, little one. Im with you! Well get through this. It feels like nothing good will ever happen again, but it will. There will be a baby, and a new life. He (or she!) will be wonderful, because hell have you as his mum. And Adam will always be a part of him.
Clara finally broke down, sobbing against his shoulder.
You should have been a psychologist, Paul. If you knew how much this hurts
That evening, Paul took Clara to his. He told their parents that Clara would be staying with him from now onand if they didnt accept her choices, theyd lose both children.
After that came the hard partClaras difficult pregnancy, the fraught negotiations with Irene (who was still trying to control everything), and their dad quietly supporting with visits, helping Clara prepare, and finding her an excellent doctor.
Little Victoria arrived at dawn, having exhausted her mother completely and then announcing herself with a roar so impressive the midwife laughed:
Well, listen to those lungs! Mums a wisp, but her daughters a contralto! Takes after her father, maybe?
Adam, Clara murmured, gazing at her babys face. Here, finally, was new life. Maybe Adam would live on in Victoria, whose eyes definitely werent just Matthews blue. Her brothers side would live on through his own children; this child would be Adams legacy.
Three years later…
Victoria! Come here, love, Ive got a present for you!
Paul, another one? Clara stuck her flour-covered head through the kitchen door. Its Christmas, not her birthday! Stop spoiling my child!
Ive got every right! That last one was from me as an unclethis is from me as godparent!
Victoria dropped the cats tail shed been grooming. The cat, sprawled across the rug in the combined living-sleeping room of the little flat Paul bought for Clara, endured the babys attention with dignity. Paul had sold his own and bought two identical one-beds in a new complexto be near Clara and Victoria.
Victorias eyes, so much Adams, lit up as Paul opened the box of sparkling glass baubles.
You like them?
Victoria gently felt one with her finger.
Can I?
Of course! Theyre yours. Lets put them up together!
Clara came in as they were hanging the Nutcracker on the tree.
My word, its a whole fairy tale! Paul, theyre gorgeous. Butthese are glass! What if we break them?
Doesnt matter. I know where to find more. Look how much Victoria loves them!
The little girl sat at the tree, cat in one arm, hurrying to tell him the long, winding story shed dreamed up. Today shed danced around the flat, copying the ballerinas theyd seen at the theatre the night beforePauls treat.
Looks like were not really needed here. See? And you thought she wouldnt enjoy it.
I only thought shed be too young to sit still. I was wrong. Who knew my daughter would be so calm?
Paul chuckled.
Well see about that tonight when its bedtime! Fancy finding me something to eat? Ive work later.
Not staying for dinner? Mum and Dadll be here soon.
They can have grandparent time. Ill pop round later. Got to rescue the cat anywayhes not long for this world at this rate.
Did you hearMums signed Victoria up for ballet classes?
Oh, dear.
Exactly. What should we do?
Well figure it out. Redirect Mums enthusiasm somewhere harmless.
And if we cant?
Then you remember youre her mum, and Ill back you up. She wont stand a chance against the pair of us.
Really?
Absolutely. Now, will someone feed me in this house?
We will, you pest! When am I going to marry you off, Paul? Someone needs to keep you fed.
Clara dodged his half-hearted swat and dashed away laughing.
Youre as bad as Mum! How am I ever supposed to get any peace? Ill never have nieces and nephews at this rate!
Oh, women
The Nutcracker twirled on the tree, nudged by Victorias small hand. She hummed and spun around, as the cat quietly moved asidewho knows, perhaps learning from a future ballerina.
Thats life. Stubborn, messy, full of pain and beauty nonetheless. Looking back over these years, I realise: holding on to each other is what gets us throughfamily, loyalty, kindness and love. And especially, not being afraid to stand beside those who need you, however hard it gets. Thats the truest lesson Ive learned: Im with youand we are never, ever truly alone.
