IN SEARCH OF A MISTRESS
Sarah, whats going on? I gaped at my wife, who was holding out a pair of shorts and a vest with military precision.
Nothing at all. But while youre lying here snoring, all the mistresses are being snapped up! She yanked away the duvet, and a shiver raced down my bare arms and legs.
What on earth are you talking about?
After your remarks last night that the day isnt far off when youll have a mistress, Ive made up my mind. The hour is upon us, Simon. Its half past five. Up you get and off you go to the field of amorous endeavour.
But I was joking! We had a row, remember? Sorry, I was out of line.
No, no, you were right. Its me that needs to do better. I let the spark of our passion fizzle out. Used up all the fuel on myself. Now all thats left is ashesyou couldnt even roast a potato in there, let alone ignite a blaze. Im rectifying that. Up!
Youre kicking me out?
No, Im driving you on. Youll work out every day until youve shaken off all that padding. A mistress wont put up with a Michelin mascot by her side. Up, I say!
Knowing my wife wouldnt rest, I slipped out of bed and managed to wriggle the shorts on over my rather old boxers.
Remind me we need to buy you proper trunks. Im worried youll catch a draft and float off the bed at a critical moment in those parachutes.
After ten minutes of running laps around the house under Sarahs eagle-eyed coaching, I staggered back inside, half-dead, crawling toward the bedroom by my teeth.
Where do you think youre going? Sarah demanded, blocking my escape.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep.
No such luck. Were looking for a mistress, not a coroner. Get in the shower. Minimum twice a day now. If you wont spare me, at least do your future partner the courtesy of smelling decent. And brushing your teeth, morning and night! she said, disappearing through the door. Wash your hair properly today were off to a photography studio.
Whatever for?
So we can take a decent photo for your dating profile. I cant do it honestly I know you like the back of my hand, and all Ill see through the lens is a dockworker, king of lager and lover of fried pasta with butter. We need to capture the true alpha male.
Sarah, isnt this a bit much?
Dont waste your breath. Save it for some pretty girls ears. Lets choose a candidate.
At this, I perked up. Id always enjoyed a harmless browse through dating sites, and for the first time, it was official and without guilt. I began pointing at the screen.
What about her?
Are you serious?
Whats wrong with her?
Simon, when I see your mistress, Im supposed to feel self-conscious about myself, not for you. Look at her. Your old Ford Fiesta looked brighter before you sold it. She should come with a warning: Beware, façade likely to peel off at any moment.
All right, how about this one?
This one? Simon, honestly. How am I to look my friends in the face if my husband cheats with a just anyone? Look here, a perfect candidate!
She is out of my league. Never in a million years
My word What did I ever see in you, Pinocchio? What won me over, thats lasted fifteen years?
Sense of humour? I ventured.
Simon, lets be honest. If laughter really prolonged life, youd have been widowed by your honeymoon. Lets not tempt fate. Come on, lets at least get you a decent suit. Well fish for a mistress the traditional way.
Sarah, enough, lets just make up already.
Where do you see a row? Having a mistress is a sign of a successful man. And being the wife of one is just as much a status symbol. One mistress simply wont do!
At the shopping centre, Sarah dragged me to the most expensive shop, stripping every mannequin bare along the way.
Sarah, these trousers and jacket cost as much as a set of winter tyres, I protested as she shoved me into the fitting room.
No trouble, well get you protection from the chemistssummer or winter, double strength if you like. I dont want bouquets growing in my house that dont belong to me.
Sarah!
What? Safety first. Were not picking a scooter, were adding the hypotenuse to our obtuse triangle. Have you phoned your boss yet?
About what? I asked, wriggling into the jacket.
About money, obviously. Youll need a pay rise. How do you plan to support two women on your salary? Ill live on soup at home, but a mistress? Its like making cement: one dinner, three glasses of wine, a five-star hotel skimp on any and the whole foundation starts crumbling.
Finally, dressed and straightening my tie, I emerged.
Handsome just like on our wedding day, Sarah said, dabbing at a tear.
It suits you, agreed a lady in the next changing room.
Would you like to take him home? Hes shopping for a mistress, Sarah offered.
No thanks, I already have a lover three, actually, the woman shamelessly grinned.
Simon, dont you dare consider her, Sarah said sternly, We need someone faithful, reliable like a bank card for transferring savings to. All right, perfume next, well give you a spritz and send you out to conquer.
We roamed the shopping centre for another hour before Sarah nodded, satisfied.
Thats it, Simon, youre ready now, even without the photo. Go forth, and remember what youve learned: be persistent, charming, and confident, like the day you sold our Fiesta.
Sarah went home to cook stew, and I set off to seek the mistress for whom Id been rigorously prepared all day.
An hour later, the buzzer sounded in our flat.
Hello, lovely lady. Is your husband home? The voice was unfamiliarrich, deep, brimming with passionmaking my heart beat faster, and even the crackly intercom gave it a flattering rasp.
Oh! Sarah gasped, dropping her ladle, overcome with excitement. No, hes gone to see his mistress.
May I come up? I have a proposition.
The sultry overtones sent Sarah hot and cold. She nearly took some Lemsip but decided against it, pressing the entry button three times instead. I received a text and appeared at our door three minutes later, clutching a generous bouquet of red roses. I edged Sarah by the waist into the tiny hallwayit was suddenly very warm in there.
Have you been crying? I asked, spotting her red eyes.
A bit. I thought Id messed everything up, but now I see it was all fuel for the fire.
Well, would you object to spending the evening in the company of an intriguing and charming gentleman? There was an animal glint in my eye, aided by about fifty millilitres of brandy for courage. Im inviting you out for dinner, where Ill regale you with the true story of your beauty. Its non-fiction, but youll like it.
Y-yes please, Sarah slurred, entering into the spirit of the thing, I just need to take the stew off and do my lashes.
Ill call a taxi, I nodded.
Where to? Sarahs grin was irresistible.
A five-star restaurant!
We dont have one here. Only Five Cheeses Pizza.
Then thats where we go. Only the best for my mistress.
And wont your wife get jealous?
Well do our best to make her, I replied with a mischievous wink.
