Instead of Me
My stepmother could clearly see that Grace had no desire to marry the widower, and not because he had a little girl, nor because he was a bit older, but because she feared him terribly. His sharp gaze pierced right through to the soul, making her heart race like a frightened rabbit chased by a hound. Grace always kept her eyes lowered to the floor, and when she did finally look up, tears welled and threatened to spill.
Those tears would come rolling down her blushing cheeks like rain on a windowpane. Her hands shook, and I noticed her little clenched fists, desperate to defend herself against both my stepmother and the suitor shed brought to the house.
Yet it was her own betraying tongue that said, Ill go.
Well, there you have it, all agreed, my stepmother said. To such a man, to such a homehow could you say no! He doted on his first wife, as frail and fumbling as she was. The poor thing was always ailing; would cough and struggle for breath strolling down Market Streethed go three paces while shed manage one, and when she stopped for air hed only ever hold her, never raise his voice like that mad father of yours.
When she was expecting, the neighbours barely saw her except from the window. She spent all her time in bed, and after the birth he was the one getting up at all hours to tend their baby, while she wasted away in the night. His mother used to say so.
And you, strong as a horse and rosy-cheeked, hell put you in pride of place. You can plait, you can sew, youre as handy in the kitchen as with a needle or broom. Youre wasted on some young manthose never know their own minds. This ones an open book. We all know what hes made of. You should count yourself lucky!
Ill brew some apple cider for the evening; we’ll sit around, and a widower doesnt need a wedding with gaiety and dancingno use upsetting the departeds spirit. As for a dowry, he said forget it, the house is well appointed and lacks for nothing.
James had married for love the first time, well aware that Vera was delicate and frequently ill. His mother would tell anyone that a sturdy chap like him needed a strong woman, not a wisp, but James would have none of it; for him, it was only ever Vera.
The village whispered that hed been bewitched, for what man chooses a life of nursing, sorrow and pain if not an enchanted one? The doctors spoke franklythe poor womans lungs were weak; anything that might bring a cough would end up in bronchitis or asthma, or worse.
James believed his love alone could ward off death, thought his care might turn the tide and bring her back to health. For a while, it seemed to work. After the wedding, they were both radiant with hope. When Vera became pregnant her strength fadedinstead of blossoming, she languished, forever dizzy, sleepy and too frail to even brush her long hair, never mind wash clothes or milk the cow.
The doctors called it bad morning sicknessshell be better after the birth. James doted on her tenderly, never complaining. His mother grumbled on and on about bringing home not a wife but a burden. James protected Vera fiercely, eventually asking his own mother not to come round.
Vera bore a daughter, and James hoped happiness and vitality would return. And for a fleeting moment, it did. But after catching a chill, Vera never regained her strength and faded before their very eyes. They took her to the county hospital. The doctor told James, blunt and honest as only an old countryman can be, Her lungs are done for.
Vera herself sensed the end. She put on a brave face, offering watery half-smiles that pained more than comforted for they didnt reach her eyes, which were wide with terror for herself and, most of all, their child.
Her frail frame, hollow chest and pitifully thin wrists said more than wordsthat death lingered closely, waiting for her final breath. Sensing her time was short, Vera asked her husband to listen to one last request:
No one can change whats written by God, she said. Our love is worn out from fighting death. Im tired of hurting, and tormented by worry for you and for our darling girl. Im so sorry for everything. Forgive me, both you and Alice. I was born in grief and only brought you sorrow.
James held her burning hands and kissed them, reading in her ragged breath that she was racing time itself.
I love you both, Vera said weakly. And I beg you, please, marry Grace. Shell be a good wife to you and a gentle mother to Alice. I know hershes kind, shes hardworking, shes patient. Shell love your daughter as her own, especially after living so long with a hard stepmother and sisters, and a drunken rough father. Mother knows her too, has visited their house and sees allshe thinks Grace has an eagles vision and a loyal heart. Treat her well, Jamesas you have me. If you see me in her, let her love comfort you, and forgive me for asking, but my soul is tormented for our child. Remembernever mistreat Alice, or Ill curse you from beyond the grave.
Then, gripping his hand with what little she had left, Vera passed away with a faint smile on her lips, her eyes fixed on one spot as if saying farewell.
James howled his grief into her hair and shoulders, promising to do all shed wished. After a year had passed, he came to Grace with a proposal.
My own motherJamess mother-in-lawhad a hand in preparing my stepmother for this. She wanted the best for her granddaughter; she was ill herself and feared her time was almost up, but she needed peace of mind, knowing her granddaughter and son-in-law would be settled and safe.
No one knew better than she what James had endured. After what he did for her own daughter, she would have blessed him all her life.
The wedding arrangement happened as if in a fog. Seeing how his daughter suffered without a mother, and knowing he himself floundered without a wife, James decided to honour Veras wishes. Hed been observing Grace for some timeshe was obedient, gentle, beautiful even, and in some ways she reminded him of Vera: the same plait, the same ready smile, the same gait.
At times he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and stay quiet a moment, imagining Vera as if shed returned.
As for Grace, perhaps shed simply tired of being her stepmothers servant, or of dragging her drunken father home again and again, or fending off her stepsisters tauntsor maybe she just felt for Jamess little girl. Whatever the reason, once shed agreed to marry, she knew another trial awaited: she would have to find love for James, and win his in return.
James decided it was time Grace and Alice got to know one another. Alice, after her mothers passing, rarely left the house; each moment they were together, Vera had lavished her with what little strength she had left. James would see, sometimes late at night, Vera leaning over their daughter, murmuring advice, as if trying to leave her a mothers wisdom before departing.
Thinking of what Vera mustve whispered always brought tears to his eyes. Alice was a true homebody, clinging to her father, her mother, her grandmother, and the perpetual, irritable old grandmother in the rooms beyond.
James brought Grace home so she could meet his daughter without the overbearing presence of her stepmother carrying on as though a troublesome cow was finally being led away. On her own with James, Grace was mostly silent, but noticed how gentle and courteous he wasnot a glimmer of the man shed feared.
He asked her directly if she had a sweetheart, and if so, hed step asidehe said nothing of Veras request.
What took Grace most by surprise was the house itselfhandmade furniture, cross-stitched pictures in carved frames, bright and spacious rooms. Alice, spotting Grace, didnt shy away but immediately fetched her toys, asking Grace to play with her and trying to touch Graces hand, shyly smiling. In play, Grace reached out and gently brushed Alices rich, Vera-like hair.
Let me do your hairlike a princess, she said.
James watched their growing bond, and relief swept through him. Hed worried that Alice was too hungry for her mothers loveforever staring out the window, hoping to see her return, dashing to the door at any knock, praying it was Vera. At not yet four, she couldnt truly understand. What she needed was someone gentle, someone warm to call her own mother.
James knew, despite all the love he could give, he couldnt fill the void left by Vera. He feared Grace might be the wrong choice. But when Alices lip trembled as Grace left and she clung to her hand, James finally breathed easy.
Alice took Graces hand and drew her to the bedroom, tidied her own bedcovers, and leapt up onto the bed, nearly touching the ceiling with each jump for joy.
Grace remembered her old lifeher stepmothers meanness, the old bread, hiding treats for her own daughters, beatings for any small mistake; wearing patched hand-me-downs, sheltering her drunk father on cold nights, wrapping him in her blanket to spare his dignity, stepping round the stepmothers curses and threats. She hugged Alice tightly and lay beside her as she drifted into a peaceful, contented sleep.
James, grateful and overjoyed, didnt know quite what to do with himself. They shared tea in silence, smiling softly at one another. When the evening was over, James wouldnt let Grace go home.
Not that night, or any other.
A wife belongs with her husband, not in a house where shes no longer needed or wanted.
As I write this, I realise the lesson life has dealt me: loves not just about grand moments or promises, but about quiet care, small kindnesses and keeping faith with those who trust you most. You honour old vows not by clinging to ghosts, but by building new hope, even out of sorrow. In putting Alice and Grace first, I found healing for us all.
