Things cant get any worse! Evelyn, please stop it! pleaded her husband, his voice echoing through the thin walls of the flat they shared. Youve trapped yourself in this misery. Whos keeping you from stepping outside? Am I a jailer? Go for a walk, if anyones stopping you.
Evelyn Harper perched by the tall sash window in the sittingroom, gazing listlessly at the ambercoloured leaves of HydePark. From the street, life seemed like a perfect setpiece: a loving husband, the anticipation of their first child, a spacious terraced house bought on a mortgage. She was twentyfive, the outward picture of a successful young woman, but inside a heavy, viscous gloom had settled long ago.
That apathy had sprouted after the one chance shed had at a career collapsed. Three years earlier, after moving to London, Evelyn had worked only two months at a counselling centre. The promise of a salary turned into a total flop, and since then her confidence lay flat. Interviews arranged through acquaintances never bore fruit, and a growing fear of people clung to her like a second skin.
The irony was that, with a psychology degree in hand, Evelyn became her own most hopeless case. An education that should have unlocked the world now served only as a bitter reminder of how far shed drifted from the competence she once owned.
Loneliness in the large house pressed harder than anything else. David, a few years older, spent long hours at the office. When Evelyn finally tried to unload the weight shed been carrying, he brushed her off with a sharp sigh.
Enough, love! Stop whining, youre giving me a bad vibe, Evelyn, he said, flat as a slate. She tried not to remind him of her presence, especially since he was the sole provider. Money wasnt a problem, yet petty reproaches slipped through the cracks now and then.
You never appreciate what I do, he could have said, even though Evelyn spent almost nothing on herself. The Harper family brought their own troubles. Margaret, Davids mother, had taken a dislike to Evelyn from their first meeting. Evelyn, not the most sociable of people, stayed away from the endless gossip that seemed to fuel Margarets irritation.
She recalled a fleeting thought: She thinks our families are swindlers and fraudsters, a whisper that rose from the prewedding chaos. Margaret demanded a prenuptial agreement, an insistence meant to prove the seriousness of the union. Her relatives hauled over £10,000 a sizable sum for a village family yet it didnt soften the cold stares. Constant backhandedness and feigned politeness at gatherings drained Evelyn to the bone.
Her relationship with her own father, George, had been a disaster since childhood. Begging him for money even for food had left a deep scar. Recently hed drawn a line, declaring on the phone that she wasnt his daughter and that she only wanted his cash.
Stop begging! he barked. Ask David! Youre married, Im not obliged to feed you!
Evelyn felt too shy to ask David. After that call she cut off all contact, but the humiliation lingered.
Pregnancy offered a brief respite: Margarets complaints softened for a moment. Yet David began to disappear more often, returning at dusk almost every night.
I need more walks, Evelyn whispered to herself, though the terror of people froze her. Crossing the threshold alone felt like an act of heroismDavid refused to accompany her, always too busy.
The situation worsened with Lucy, Davids younger sister, who Evelyn had helped secure a place at a prestigious university. After receiving Evelyns aid, Lucy turned rude, hurling insults, calling her useless, or simply ignoring her as if she didnt exist.
She talks to me like Im a dog, Evelyns mother complained, What have I ever done wrong? Ive always tried to help.
One evening, when David arrived home, Evelyn gathered her courage and sat opposite him in the living room.
I need to talk about whats happening between us, she began quietly.
David set his phone down.
What about, Evelyn? Ive had a rough day. If youre about to start whining again, just dont. Im tired!
I cant live like this any longer, David. I feel completely useless.
David snapped:
Youre talking rubbish. You have everything the house, me, a baby on the way. Whats wrong?
Outwardly, maybe. Inside I dont feel part of any of it. Im terrified to leave the house, scared of people, cant work. Its not laziness, its a problem.
Youre a psychologist, arent you? David smirked, the smile burning. A cobbler without shoes? Youve locked yourself in this corner of fear. Pull yourself out and live like a normal person.
You dont get it. Its not fear, its alienation. After the job fell through I lost my bearings. And your mother her attitude is unbearable.
Dont bring mum into this. She can be sharp, I know. Shes older and worries about me.
Evelyn smiled sadly:
Worries that well cheat her? That were not what she expected? She still doesnt believe in our marriage, I feel that. David, she thinks Im some sort of fraud.
Youre dramatizing, Evelyn. Find a hobby. Visit a friend, take a stroll in the park. Clean the flat! I come home to a mess every night!
I have no friends here. Im scared to go out alone! And you didnt help when you said I gave you negative vibes. Do you think that gives me strength? David, I need support
Im fed up with your constant complaints! I work to provide for you, and you just moan
Im not asking you to provide everything! I need your supportattention, care, at least a little sympathy. I feel like Im under the floorboards, and you make it worse.
Enough! David exploded. You behave like an ungrateful wretch.
Tears gathered at the back of Evelyns throat, but she held them back.
I dont feel like your wife; I feel like a servant in this house, ruining the picture of prosperity. Your sister is rude, your mother spins plots, and you keep saying I bring you negativity.
Maybe youre the one provoking them with your behaviour?
The argument dissolved into silence. David rose and retreated to the bedroom, leaving Evelyn alone on the couch, realizing that trying to pour out her soul had only fortified the wall between them. The shame from her father, the slights from her motherinlaw, the career collapseall merged into a single, suffocating knot.
The next morning she resolved to change something. She couldnt alter Margaret or George, but she could change her own stance. She could shut herself away, turn to a shell, cut off all contact with the world. Yet she could not, not with a child on the way; for the sake of the baby she had to mend things.
Evelyn opened her laptop, for the first time in months logging onto a social network. Former classmates appeared in her friends list, people who might lend a hand.
Hi, Claire. I need help. Im completely lost, she typed to an old university mate who ran a private practice.
Claire replied quickly, suggesting a video call. When they finally spoke, Evelyn felt, for the first time in ages, truly heardno judgment, no demand for gratitude.
Evelyn, you cant help yourself while you stay in this isolation. Your pregnancy is a stressor, and David hes not a therapist; he simply doesnt know how to support you.
How do I get out of this fear of the world? I cant work, I cant even dash to the shopjust the thought of stepping through the door makes me tremble
Well start small. Tell me each day what you feel, raw and unfiltered. I wont abandon you.
Evelyn began online sessions with Claire, unravelling childhood wounds tied to her father and wrestling with the present dread. The fear didnt vanish instantly, but she pressed on, learning to quiet it. She finally had a conversation with David about the future, this time without blame.
Im starting to work remotely. Thats my therapy and my profession. I wont ask for money; Ill earn from my own practice.
David looked surprised:
What kind of work?
A crisis helpline is hiring operators. Ill talk to women stuck in tough situations. By listening, Ill help themand myself.
David shrugged:
Right, youre a psychologist after all. Give it a go. Things cant get any worse.
Under Claires gentle guidance, Evelyn began to reshape her life, inch by inch. The job gave her purpose; she truly mattered to the callers. Slowly, she felt herself returning to who she once was, hoping her condition would never spill over to her child. Pulling herself out of the depression became her primary mission, and she no longer doubted that she was indeed in a deep, dark slump.
