Today I found myself sat in front of the mirror, carefully applying my Cherry Tart lipstickthe very same shade James once said suited me best. At my age, you dont expect miracles. Yet, out of nowhere, I found one. Fancy thatat a bus stop, of all places! He offered me his seat, I thanked him, and before I knew it, we were chatting away.
Its only been three months, but it feels like a lifetime.
Percy, what do you think? I turned towards my cat, curled up on the window ledge, eyes following the sparrows happily pecking outside. Do I look lovely?
He meowedbossy, but approving.
Percys been with me for five years, ever since I laid my husband to rest. I remember trudging home with this frail little kitten in the crook of my arm, telling him, Well mourn together. It turned out to be less about grieving and more about living.
Hes a clever boy too. Senses everything. If Im down, hell hop onto my lap and purr; if Im cheerful, he dashes about the flat in glee. Without fail, every morning he wakes me with a gentle paw on my cheek.
The phone rang.
Helen, love, Im on my way! Jamess voice was almost jubilant. Well settle everything today.
Alright, I laughed. Ill be waiting.
Today, he was supposed to bring me the keys to his flat. Wed decidedwed move in together! His two-bedroom by the seaside sounded lovely. So much brighter, a bit grander than my own, with fresh air off the Channel.
I already pictured us: breakfast on the balcony, the bay glimmering in the sun, James buried in the morning paper.
Percy, were moving! Youll fancy it there, I promisehuge windows, plenty of opportunity to spy on birds.
He stretched, hopped from the sill, and nudged my legs.
Yes, of course Im taking you. Wouldnt go anywhere without you.
The doorbell went.
James stood there, all charm, neat and pressed, holding a bouquet and flashing that broad grin. The tailored suit spoke for itselfyou could tell he meant business, a man whod done alright for himself.
My gorgeous girl! he beamed, kissing my cheek. Ready for our new beginning?
Absolutely! I glowed with excitement. Come through, Ill put the kettle on.
In the kitchen, he produced a heavy keychain, setting it quite ceremoniously on the table.
There we are. Keys to our little nest.
Percy appeared at the door, approached cautiously and sniffed the guest.
Still got that beast, then? James wrinkled his nose. Helen, I wanted a word.
What about? I felt a sudden tension. His voice had taken on a chill.
See, my flats newly renovated. All fresh paint and carpets. Cats shed, leave their scent everywhere. Besides, I have allergiesalways have, to be honest.
My mug stilled in mid-air.
You mean?
I mean, I cant live with a cat. He said it calmly, the way youd talk of an unwanted chair. Its your call what to do with him.
His words dropped like icy rain.
Percy sat beside my feet, staring first at me, then at James, understanding all too well.
After some time, James took his leave, the keys abandoned on the table. I remained, tea untouched, eyes fixed on those blasted keys.
Percy leapt into my lap, purring softly, comfortingly.
What should I do, Percy? I whispered, stroking his velvet fur. What should I do?
Jamess words circled in my head: Its your call.
What sort of choice is that? Percy had been family for five years, my solace, my purpose. After David died, that kitten all but saved me.
I remembered feeding him from a syringe, nursing him back to health, the first time he purred in my arms.
And all the years sincebreakfast together, evenings with the telly, sleeping by me whenever I was ill, dropping his favourite mouse toy by my side when I looked glum, as if to say: Here, have a play, cheer up.
Percy gazed up at me, so human somehow.
I got up and paced, picked up my phone, nearly called my friend Ruth but lost my nerve. What would she say? Likely something like, Helen, for the right bloke, surely you could rehome a cat
Could I, though?
I drifted to the window. The square below was dusted with the seasons first snow. December. Nearly Christmas. Id so hoped not to spend it alone.
Right, then, I told myself. Ill try the vets. Maybe theres someone looking for a good cat. Well find him a kind home.
Yet even saying it, I felt resistance. My heart wasnt having it.
Next day, I stopped by to see Mrs. Walker, who was forever feeding the strays.
Mrs. Walker, do you know anyone whod take a good cata clever one?
You mean Percy? She looked at me, puzzled. Whats happened?
Im moving. And no pets allowed.
She studied me.
Helen, dont be daft. That cats as much yours as family. I remember you nursing himtiny thing.
Circumstances, I sighed.
What circumstances matter more than a true friend? She shook her head. No, I dont know anyone. Wouldnt want to, either. Its a betrayal, plain and simple.
The word stung. I left quickly.
Percy greeted me at the door as always, rubbing against my legs and purring. Suddenly, I realisedhe could sense it too. Animals know, dont they, when somethings off.
Forgive me, I whispered, lifting him close. Forgive me.
James phoned that evening.
So? Sorted the matter with the cat?
Not yet. Still looking for someone.
Helen, his voice got harder. Lets skip the sentiment. Is it me or the cat? I need a proper partner, someone who puts us firstnot just a pet.
Give me some more time.
We dont have much. I want you with me by Christmas.
I sat long after, unmoving. Percy curled up by my side, glancing at me now and then.
Hes right, you know, I murmured. Youre only an animal. While Jameshes a proper man. Where would I find another like him?
But the words sounded foreigneven to me.
On the third day, Ruth rang.
Helen, you sound low. Whats going on?
So I told her. Everythingthe ultimatum, the hunt for new owners, my doubts.
Wait, she cut in, so he actually said, Its me or the cat?
In so many words, yes.
Do you know whats next?
What?
Next hell say, No more jeans, I prefer my woman smart. Or, That friend of yours? Dont see her again. Helen, sweetheart, if a man starts laying down rules from the off
But what if Im left alone? I almost wailed. Completely alone!
Are you? Doesnt Percy count?
I fell silent.
After Ruth hung up, I stared at Percy.
Tell me honestly, I said, if I gave you away, would you miss me?
He purred something in response.
And what about me? I stroked his head. Could I be happy, knowing Id betrayed you?
He lifted his face, those eyes so full of trust and love.
Oh, what am I doing? I whispered.
The phone rang againJames.
Helen, its Saturday tomorrow. Ill pick you up, alright? The cat business is sorted, I hope?
Looking over at Percy, curled up and purring away peacefully, I replied, James, I need a bit more time.
To think over what?! He snapped. Are you really breaking up a life over a cat? Have you lost your mind?
Could you not try? Percys such a tidy, lovely cat
I told youmy allergies! Helen, youre just not ready for a real commitment. Think till tomorrow. Last chance.
The line went dead.
Silence filled the flat, save for Percys gentle rumble.
So, last chance, I muttered. Lovely.
And suddenly, I was scared. Not of being lonely, but that Id nearly let go of my truest companion for a man who drew lines in the sand.
Saturday dawned grey and raw. Id barely slept, tossing and turning, and dreamt I was walking down a long corridor. At the end stood James and PercyI had to choose. I woke heavy-hearted.
Percy, as always, by my feet. When he saw I was awake, he stretched, yawned, and hopped onto my pillow.
Morning, darling, I whispered, burying my face in his fur.
I got up, set the kettle going, filled Percys bowl, changed his water. Ordinary things, though my hands shook.
What am I supposed to do? I asked, watching Percy eat with dignity. What would you do?
He lifted his head, eyes full of understanding.
Maybe hes right, I went on. Maybe I really havent moved on? Maybe Im just clinging to the past?
But I knew, even while saying it, these werent my words. They belonged to someone else.
At eleven, Ruth phoned.
How are you, Helen? Any decisions made?
I dont know, Ruth. My heart says one thing, my head something else.
And what does your heart say?
I glanced towards Percy, washing on the windowsill.
My heart says I cant give him up.
Theres your answer! Ruth practically shouted. Helen, wake up! If a man makes you choose between himself and your loyal friendwhats he worth, really?
After our chat, I sat in my armchair with Percy on my lap.
You know, I said, Ruths right. Im not alone. I have you. And I am happytruly.
Percy settled in, starting a deep rumble of contentment.
And what if James simply isnt my person? What if someone who really loves me will love you too?
At two in the afternoon, the doorbell rang. My heart pounded.
James on the doorstep, travel bag in hand, expression stern.
Well? Ready? No hello. You packed?
Come in, we need to talk.
Whats to talk about? He stepped inside, glancing about. Wheres the cat? Hope youve found him a home?
Just then, Percy padded from the kitchen, pausing, sitting back to observe.
James grimaced. Helen, I told you to sort this out!
I have, I said quietly.
And?
I cant give him away.
He stared at me. What do you mean, you cant?
I mean, hes my friend. Weve been together five years.
And what about me? Jamess tone was arctic. Who am I to you?
I looked at him hard. Suddenly, I saw not the man I was drawn to, but someone who always needed things his way. Someone whose idea of love had more terms and conditions than a contract.
Youre important to me, I said, but Percys never given me ultimatums.
What?! He could hardly believe it. Youre comparing me to a cat?
Im not comparing. Im saying that he loves me as I am, nothing more.
Helen, James stepped closer, do you even understand what youre doing? Throwing away our future over an animal?
Im not throwing it away. Im choosing what matters.
Percy came over, winding around my legs. I scooped him up, holding his warmth close.
Let me tell you something, James shot out, combative. Im a serious manwith a business, standing in the community. I could give you so muchcomfort, security. And you choose a cat.
Hes not just a cathes Percy. My Percy.
Whats so special about him?! he erupted. Hes just an animal!
And suddenly, I knewwith absolute claritythat this was my answer.
You know what, James? Youre right. Theres nothing special about him, except for one thinghes never once made me choose.
James stood there, speechlessa tangle of shock, anger, disbelief crossing his face.
So thats it? He finally managed. You pick the cat?
He lingered another moment, then turned and left in a huff.
Foolish woman, Helen. Youll never find another like me.
Maybe I wont, I replied, but nor like him. I squeezed Percy tight.
He slammed the door.
Everything went still.
I walked to the kitchen, sitting at the table. Percy curled contentedly onto my lap.
Well, its just us again, I told him.
He looked up, nuzzling my hand. And suddenly, I felt lighter. Freer. Like Id shed a weight Id carried too long.
You know what, Percy? I smiled. I think we did the right thing.
For the first time in weeks, peace settled over me.
Now its March. Outside, snowdrops have popped up. The sparrows are making a racket. Ive turned the windowsill into a little greenhouseviolets everywhere.
Look, Percy, isnt it wonderful? I showed him the newest bloom.
Percy gave it a sniff and an approving meow.
Three months now. It was hard at firstnot for want of company, but because of all those what ifs. Was James my last chance? Did I blow it?
But then things changed. The flat felt alive again.
I took on two music studentssweet Maisie and shy Tom. Suddenly, there was laughter, clumsy scales, life filling the rooms once more.
Mrs. Smith, is that your cat? Maisie asked, her eyes wide.
Yes, thats Percy. My friend.
Can I stroke him?
Of course!
Percy graciously allowed it, purring as if to say, Shell do.
More recently, I bumped into Mr. Harris, the retired teacher who lives on the fifth floorwidower, bit lonely himself. We must have talked for over an hour. He admired Percy through the window.
Always loved animals, he said wistfully. Had a German Shepherd called Rubypassed away a few years back. I do miss the company.
We hit it off. Hes a reader, a thinker, a good soul.
He doesnt mind visitors, your Percy?
Percys an excellent judge of character. He doesnt care for the unkind.
Mr. Harris laughed. Hope I pass inspection.
He did. First time.
Today I watched Percy basking in a shaft of light and smiled. Life was flowing againnot as I planned, but lovely all the same.
I brewed a cuppa and settled into my favourite chair. Percy immediately sprang into my lap.
Thank you, I whispered, stroking his fur. For showing me that real love never asks us to betray ourselves.
Percy purred warmly, and I realisedI wasnt scared of being alone anymore.
Because with those who love you, freely and without demands, youre never truly alone.
