June 12th
Youre bouncing around the world like a mad thing
Were going to do brilliant things together, Alice, just wait and see said Emma as she waved her arms about, perched on the window ledge of our halls. Youll be consulting, Ill head into marketing, and before you know it bam! Well launch our own agency. Everything’s ahead of us!
I looked up from my notes and laughed, flicking my long braid over my shoulder.
Emma, weve got finals in a week and youre already planning an empire.
Why shouldnt we dream a little? Emma leapt off the window and collapsed onto the saggy mattress next to me. Seriously, Alice. Were different from all those hens on our course. Were sharp. If anyones going to make it, it’s us.
I put my pen down and studied her messy, faded t-shirt, but eyes blazing with excitement. And for some odd reason, right then, I believed her completely.
Well make it, we really will I agreed quietly…
Ten years vanished in a heartbeat…
During those years, I fought for every inch. Interned at a multinational, then spent countless nights poring over reports, brushing up business English at sunrise, Mandarin at the weekends. Conferences, forums, networking. I clawed my way up, battered elbows and kneecaps, but never stopped. By thirty, I wore tailored wool suits, flew to Tokyo for negotiations, and had forgotten the last time I wept from exhaustion simply no time for it.
Emma met Jack in our third year. He was a mechanic, always smelled of petrol and looked at her as if she were the only woman alive. By fourth year, Emma was pregnant; by fifth, she dropped out. The marketing agency dream fizzled somewhere between her daughters first baby teeth and the second round of nappies. Now, her domain was a three-bed flat in the suburbs, where she ruled over saucepans, tantrums and a tap that never seemed to work.
We still met up now and then though less and less. Id bring back gifts from work trips: a silk scarf from Milan, a set of mountain-grown tea from Yunnan. Pull photos from my bag, showing Kyoto temples, describing meetings with Japanese partners.
They never say anything outright can you imagine? All hints and subtext. I spent three months learning their etiquette just so I wouldnt mess up our first meeting.
Emma nodded, turning the tea packet in her hands silently. Then she sighed heavily.
Easy for you. Meanwhile, Lilys caught another bug from nursery, Jacks always at work, and theres never enough money…
I never knew what to say. Between us, a wall seemed to grow built from different lives, languages, scents her washing powder versus my £200 perfume.
For Emmas birthday, I came straight from Heathrow. Navy suit, heels, hair styled by the salon in the business lounge. I blended in easily, laughing, chatting about my new project, catching admiring looks from men, respectful ones from women.
Emma sat in the corner…
Her dress was old, from Jacks work do years ago. Hair pulled into a basic ponytail because the morning had been chaos Lily had thrown a tantrum again. She watched me shine in the centre, listened to everyone hang on my words, and something thick and dark welled up inside her. It wasnt envy. It was worse.
I went to the kitchen for water and paused at the door. Emma was at the window, clutching her wine glass, staring through the glass, lost.
Why are you here on your own, Em? I went over and touched her shoulder. Come on, Nadines bringing out the cake.
She jerked away, dropping my hand.
Go. Theyre waiting for you out there.
I frowned but kept calm. Poured myself some water, took a sip.
Look, Ive meant to say… I know you miss working. Theres a role at my firm entry-level, but promising. I can have a word with HR, you could start as an intern and
Her wine glass crashed against the counter, spilling a crimson pool.
Internship? Emma spun round, and I stepped back from the force in her face. Me? Internship?
Emma, I just wanted to help…
Help? Emma exploded in bitter laughter. Do you hear yourself? Saint Alice has descended to rescue her pathetic friend, dispensing charity. Thanks ever so!
You misunderstood me I tried to stay steady. I see youre unhappy, you want something more, and I just offered an option.
Did I ask you? Emma stepped towards me and I retreated. Youve changed, Alice. You used to be normal, now youre all proud, stuck-up. Looking down at everyone with your Tokyos and power suits.
Thats not fair.
Not fair? Emma was shouting now, and someone peeked in from the lounge, then ducked back out. Is it fair that you flaunt your perfect life everywhere? Every day on Instagram here I am on a plane, heres my conference, heres my smoothie for five hundred pounds! Do you think thats nice to see?
The shock made me lose my breath…
Im sharing happiness, Em. Thats normal.
Happiness? Emma snorted. Youre just showing off. Making everyone see how successful you are, while the rest of us are failures. Decent women at thirty have families and kids, and you? Youre bouncing around the world like a mad thing, no husband, no child. Wasteland!
That word cut deep, somewhere raw and vulnerable.
Ive worked, I forced steady words. I grafted nights while you watched telly. Learned languages while you cooked stews. It was my choice, and I have the right to it.
Oh, give it a rest! Youve always just trampled over others. Think I dont know how you got rid of Mary at work? Selfish! Always thinking only of yourself!
I fell silent, looking at my friend. At her trembling mouth, blotchy cheeks, that ugly, pent-up rage finally spilling out.
And suddenly, everything became clear. Disgustingly, uncomfortably clear.
You dont hate me, Em I said quietly. You hate yourself. For not taking risks. For giving up. Its easier to see me as bad than to admit you were just scared.
Emma grew pale.
Get out!
Already am, I set my glass down and headed for the door. Goodbye, Emma. Enjoy your cosy little world.
I grabbed my bag and pushed through the front door. Cold rain whipped my face, but I didnt flinch, striding straight into grey.
My heels echoed against wet pavement. Expensive suit soaked through, sticking to my back, mascara running Im sure, but none of it mattered now. I speed-walked to the Tube, and with every step I could breathe easier.
Funny thing I expected pain. Expected to be swamped by grief for fifteen years of friendship, for the girl with fire in her eyes on the common room windowsill, for our joint dreams and plans. But instead, there was only relief, dull and a bit shameful.
Our friendship hadnt died tonight. It faded year by year, conversation by conversation. Every time I shared a joy, and got pursed lips in return. Every time I discussed plans she rolled her eyes. Every time I tried to pull her out of her rut and she dragged me down instead.
I swiped into the Tube, settled onto a damp seat, ignoring the puddle I left behind. Dug out my compact, checked my reflection ruined mascara, messy hair, red eyes. Smirked and put it away.
Tomorrow Ill get up at six, fix my hair, put on another suit, and head in. Because life doesnt stop just because someone else is jealous…
A month later, my MD called me in. I entered the office ready for anything a new project, a grilling, another negotiation marathon. But David simply handed me a folder, and I scanned the first page.
Appointed Regional Director for Asia.
Annual contract in Singapore.
You earned it, Alice, he leaned back in his chair. The board voted unanimously. Youve three weeks to prepare; will you manage?
I looked up and nodded.
I will.
Out in the corridor, clutching the folder to my chest, I gave myself a minute to stand still. Through the window, Novembers sun carved golden, crimson stripes across the sky. Somewhere in the suburbs, Emma was probably stirring supper, complaining to Jack about the unfairness of everything.
And I was packing for Singapore.
Not once, not for a second, did I regret my choices. As they say you get what you work for.
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