Postponed Life
– Mum, can I have a sweet from the box? Just one! Please! Ellie curled around the cupboard like a clever fox, eyeing the stash of sweets Mum, with much effort, had tucked away.
– No! Those are for the table. If you eat them all now, therell be nothing left for Christmas and New Year.
I pouted. Why did it matter when you ate the sweet? It wasnt as if I was asking for the whole lot, just one! Why was Mum always like this? If it was something delicious, it was always save it for later. If it was something pretty, it was for best. I just wanted to take a sweet, put on the new dress Dad had brought back from a work trip to London, and go to visit Jenny. For some reason, Jennys mum didnt mind her wearing new things for nursery. Mind you, I overheard once that her mum made her dresses, not bought them. But still! Jenny was always the best dressed in our group, and I went around in an old spotty dress that I was thoroughly sick of.
Back then, I didnt understand just how difficult it was for my parents to get those treats and nice clothes. Mum was a librarian and Dad an engineer. From a young age, I kept hearing the word get hold of. It meant that wed have something new, something you couldnt just buy in the shops. Thats how I ended up with lovely shoes, or Mum with a new pair of boots. Of course, after a big purchase wed spend a month living on pasta and potatoes, but Mum was so pleased with those boots that she wouldnt even wear them at first, just admire them. For some reason, those boots stuck in my mind, so much so that I remembered every scratch and worn heel, even as an adult.
Time moved on and everything around us changed. Soon, the shops had everything you could wish for; buying new clothes or a treat for your child was no longer a problem. The real problem became money. I was in Year 9 when Dad came home one day, beaming:
– Ive landed a job!
I didnt know what that meant at first, but by looking at my parents faces, I could tell it was something good. And so it was. The new company where Dad worked was in electronics, and finally, his talent truly found its place. He even discovered he was an excellent organiser, and his career took off.
Life genuinely got easier. Mum no longer had to sit in the evenings with a notebook, trying to squeeze something out of our family budget for a new outfit for me. The first pair of jeans, trendy trainersall the stuff. I dropped the idea of leaving school for college early just to start earning, and decided Id go to university. Mum and Dad backed me all the way. I buckled down for two years, barely saw my friends or discos, smashed the exams and became a student. I could have let myself relaxbut I didnt. First, study. Then a good job. Then everything else. And I managed that, too. I graduated with honours and, thanks to Dads connections, got a good position. It seemedthere it was. Everything had worked out! I could finally think about myself, maybe start a family. But again, I stuck to my guns: career first! That way, Id never need to worry about having nothing to wear or nowhere to live. And this, too, I nailed. My parents were thrilledsmart, successful, bought herself a flat and a car, got to holiday abroad. The only thing was I was still alone.
But solitude didnt bother me. I wasnt a goody-two-shoes and never lacked admirers. But I didnt hurry into serious relationships. Why should I? You have to get the most from your youththeres so much to do! Once kids come along, you can forget all that.
My first serious relationship didnt come until I was thirty-five. Victor and I were colleagues for years, our desks separated by just a wall, though we barely spoke. I never imagined Victor fancied mehe was tall, attractive, clever. Just what I valued most. Victor, shy about declaring his feelings to the Ice Queen, as the office called me, finally took his chance at a work do, when, swept up by a bit too much wine, I rested my head on his shoulder as we danced.
– Marry me. Were both doing well, times ticking on. Lets start a family. Ive fancied you for years. Actually, its more than that. Ellie, I love you.
I giggled.
– Oh, Victor, dont be daft. Weve got ages! Weve got all the time in the world.
In the morning, looking into his eyes, I surprised even myself by saying:
– Yes. I will.
Our wedding was grand, with Mumdear Irenenever expecting to see grandchildren, crying happy tears. Three years later, I realised all my achievements paled in comparison to what I felt after so many years of delaywhat turned out to be most important.
– Its gone… My future is gone, Mum I couldnt even cry, clutching the medical results. Why was I so foolish?
– Darling, wait. Its only one clinic. Medicine moves on. Things can still change.
– When? I flung the papers across the sitting room, where they fluttered to the floor.
In their flat, not much had altered since my childhood. My parents didnt want to take a penny for repairs or new furniture, though Dad was retired and ailing, Mum staying close to look after him. Still, I made sure their fridge was filled with the same things I bought for myself, their old furniture revived by a costly restorationvintage, as I called it. Id managed a proper bit of DIY in their place ten years ago, and now, staring at a patch on the wall, thought maybe it was time to redo the wallpaper and sand the floors. Odd, the things that spring to mind when life is crumbling around you
– Mum, dont you get it? Time, its time I dont have
We sat there for hours, not noticing the dusk sweep in, not hearing the phone ring and ring. I wept, calmed down, then fell into silencewhat was there left to discuss? Eventually I looked up, barely seeing Mums face in the gloom.
– Thank you, Mum
– For what, darling?
– For listening. Theres no one else. Not now.
– Dont be sillywhat are you on about?! Mum pressed her hand to my lips. Of course youre needed! Your dad still needs you. And Victor
– Victorno longer.
– Why, Ellie?
– Because its my problem, not his. Hes short on time, too. There may still be a chance for him for children.
I hugged Mum tightly, avoided her further arguments and left.
– Ill be alright, Mum, dont worry, I called with forced cheer, blowing her a kiss as I closed the door behind me. Mum collapsed into a chair in the corridor, asking no one in particularwhy this trial, Lord, for my girl?
I had no wish to go home, so I drove towards the river. The embankment was windswept and empty at this time of year; just a few dog-walkers, an elderly couple huddled against the autumn chill.
When they passed me by, I started crying again, almost against my will. Id once dreamtlike themto grow old together, to understand each other wordlessly, to have a life and home shared with someone But that would never happen for me now I knew, at last, Id loved Victor all this time but, as usual, Id postponed admitting it, postponing everything important in life. And now, none of it mattered. Because real love means putting the other person first.
Gazing at the cold, black river, I remembered walks here with my parents as a child. Delaying the one special treat Id have on those walksan ice cream, whatever the weather. And funny, I never once had a sore throat, even when I ate it in winter My children would never walk here with me like that.
I shook myself and got to my feet. Enough! No amount of self-pity would change my situation. I had to find something to help me livemy achievements now felt worthless, and I saw nothing, not even career, could fill the void of what Id lost. I had to find something else but what?
As I got to the car, I saw a group of teenage boys hanging around it. I looked aboutempty. No one to step in if needed. But oddly, rather than fear, a wave of apathy and anger washed over me. What difference did it even make now, if something happened to me or not?
Hands deep in my pockets, I approached.
– Whats going on here?
One by one, they turned. About sixteen, if that.
– This your car, miss?
– It is.
– Under the bonnet! Open up, please! Its stuckwe need to get it!
They babbled, and I realised they werent about to mug mesomething else was going on.
– Hold on! Too many of you at once. One of you, explainwhats under my bonnet?
They exchanged glances. The shortest one stepped forward. Leader, I thought absently.
– Theres a kitten. We saw it crawl under your car, then up inside somewhere. Could be on the wheel or furtherneeds rescuing or itll get hurt.
I raised my eyebrows.
– Are you sure?
– Yes! We saw. Its coldcats go to the cars for warmth.
I pressed the key, unlocked, and popped the bonnet.
– Oh, goodness! I exclaimed, as the lads fished out a furious, wriggling jet-black kitten.
– What a grump! the lead boy laughed, handing the still-trembling thing to me. You take him!
– Me? I cradled the kitten gently. Ive never had a cat, lads. What now?
– Youll work it out! Just feed him well.
They laughed, shrugged, and wandered off, but as they went, I remembered Mums old habit.
– Wait! I rummaged for a note and handed it over. Mum always says you dont help an animal without a quid for luck.
– Thanks, miss! They waved and were gone.
I got in and stared at the unexpected arrival.
– So now what am I supposed to do with you?
The kitten, now relaxed, had made himself comfortable on my lap, his muddy paws kneading my pale coat, and started to purr, content.
– Right then Old, alone and with a cat. Typical I started the car, buckled in. Come on, home, then.
I put off talking to Victor until morning, and spent the whole evening fussing over the kitten.
– Where on earth have you collected so many fleas? Good grief! What a little monster. How did I end up embroiled in this? I scrubbed the kitten in the bath, and Victor stood by with a towel.
– Thats odd
– What?
– Cats usually hate water, but he doesnt seem to mind. Just sits there.
– Hes purring away. Cant you hear? My hands are vibrating like an engine.
I lifted the shrunken, sodden kitten out and bundled him in the towel.
– All done! Lets get you fed.
Later, as the kitten snuggled at my side on the sofa, purring in his sleep, Victor finally asked:
– Ellie, then? Whats the news?
I sighed. Maybe morning wouldve been better, but really, why put off the inevitable?
– I want a divorce, Vic.
– Come again? What brought that on?
– Because Ill never have children. And thats down to no one but me. You might still be a dad someday. Theres still time.
Victor looked at me as though seeing me for the first time.
– So, just like that? You reckon Im some robot: new wife when I fancy? Ellie, what are you like? Did it never enter your head I love you, that kids arent the be all and end all for me? All I want is to have you by my sidenot some mythical other. But clearly, youve decided. Fine.
He got up, scooping up the sleepy kitten.
– Im sleeping in the study. Good night.
I barely nodded, then, when he left, stifled a sob. What a mess Id made. But doubts gnawed at me. He says that now, but give it a few yearswhat then?
Thoughts swirled all night. I reviewed everything with Victor a hundred ways, but always came back to the same conclusion. Heroics in the moment can turn into regret. Victor would never say a wordbut thats just who he is.
I finally nodded off, curled in a chair, numb and exhausted. I didnt hear Victor leave for work, feed the kitten, or tidy up. I woke only at midday, warm under a throw, a note on the table: Back this evening. Were talking. Dont think youll get away from me. Im not letting you go! Love you.
The kitten stared at me, wide green eyes.
– What? I got up, bones creaking after a night crumpled in a chair. Im after a coffee. You?
For the first time in days, I actually smiled, watching the cat scamper ahead into the kitchen.
– Youre quick to settle in, arent you?
As I put the kettle on, I caught myself thinking I felt lighter than yesterday. Maybe it was the note Victor left, maybe time had finally started to mend my soul. I couldnt say; I just knew it wasnt so heavy in my chest.
I rang work, claimed illness and took the day. Booked a trim and manicure, got ready and drove out.
The city was positively drenched, rain slamming the roads, cars sending up fountains as they ploughed through puddles. Id forgotten my brolly, so was soaked from head to toe getting to the car. Still, I refused the temptation to turn back. Nono more wallowing.
The rain had delayed everything at the salon. Waiting in the chair, flicking through the first magazine to hand: adverts, something about being a mum I looked at the cover and gave a wry smile. Of all the glossy rubbish, I pick up this? How odd. I flicked through, then paused. A little boy with bright pond-green eyes stared out at me. For some reason, I felt I knew him, vaguely, from somewhere. Something niggled at my thoughts. I read the caption under the photo.
The stylist glanced round, looking for her missing client. But I was already gone, as was the magazineno one noticed its absence.
Victor was startled when I burst into his office but didnt say a word; truth be told, hed never seen me so animated.
– Look! I put the magazine before him and jabbed at the photo.
– Whos this then, Ellie?
– I dont know, Vic. Only his name and age are listed. But just look!
I gripped his shoulders, dragging him to the big mirrored wall between our offices. Handing him the magazine, I turned him to face the glass.
– Remind you of anyone?
He stared at the boys photograph, then up at his own reflection and started.
– Incredible, isnt it? I waited, heart racing, suddenly breathlesshis answer seemed to mean everything for my future.
– Thats the word Victor read the caption and raised an eyebrow. Are you sure?
– No, Vic, Im not sure of anything. The magazines old, too. Might be that boys found a family. I know nothing. Except, right now, I can see what Id always thought impossible And I wont put anything off ever again!
Six months later, we brought Sam home from the childrens home. And two years after that, I found a photo of a little girl in a similar magazineshe became our daughter. Little Martha was barely more than a baby and had never known another mum. I became everything for her. Five years after that, strange changes in my body Id dismissed as early menopause took me by surprise at the doctors office.
– No, you must be having a laugh! That cant be!
Julia arrived bang on time, much to the delight of our family.
Mumdear Irenesaw her granddaughter. She passed away a year after Julias birth, a cruel illness slowly taking its toll, but she fought itspending every moment she could with her grandchildren.
– You are my joy my whole life
Sorting through my parents things after Mum was gone, helping Dad move in with us, I found a box in the back of the cupboard. Inside, folded neatly, were her old boots. I hugged them to my chest and sobbed, the sorrow finally breaking free, enough to scare the children who were playing nearby.
– Mum, Mum, whats wrong? Sam ran to me, bewildered.
I pulled the boots out, pressing them to me, letting the tears wash away the ache. I had held it in at the funeral, held it in all through her final days, but here I broke.
– Why are you crying, Mum? Martha crouched down, trying to catch my eye, then simply hugged my neck and began to cry too.
Julia, not wanting to be left out, chimed in, and Victor, coming in from the kitchen, stopped to take it all in.
– Thats enough nowcome on. Ellie, whats all this about?
The girls stopped mid-cry and looked up at Dad. Now, there was nothing to worry about. Mum would stop crying.
– Oh, Victor She kept them all this time
I put the boots aside, opened the cupboard again and found all the bits Mum had kept. When Id got married, Id refused the trousseau she offered, saying the embroidery and linens didnt suit our modern place. But now, as I took it all out, I thought about the love shed sewn into each piece. Little lavender sachets still faintly held their scent. Linen bought for herself that she never usedthe lace had yellowed, the embroidery had faded
– Vic I turned to him. How does it make sense? The person is gone, but their things remain Why do we put off using what we have, waiting for some ideal moment that might never come? Its wrong. Its just wrong.
Victor hugged me, silently. Nothing more to say.
Julia wound around my legs, peering up with green eyes so like her brothers and fathers.
– Mummy!
I froze, still not quite believing, but Victor nodded, beaming, and I dropped to my knees.
– Say it again?
– Mummy! Julia clambered onto my lap, hugging me. Mummy
Sam and Martha clapped.
– She said Mum, she did! Sam teased Victor. You lose, Dad!
– Guess that means a trip to the zoo, then.
– When? Martha bounced. At the weekend?
– Why wait for the weekend? I kissed Julia and rubbed my nose against her button one. Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today? Lets go!
I glanced at the belongings strewn on the floor. That could wait. I finally knew that much.
Driving, I listened to the childrens laughter from the backseat and pondered how best to make them happy. Perhaps no one truly knows, but Id do my utmost to teach them at least this: never postpone life for one day. That one day is the most unpredictable thing of all. Just when you think the right moments come, it slips away and never returns.
– What about ice cream?
– Now? Sam looked surprised. But, Mum, we havent had lunch!
– Well manage. Well?
– Yes! they chorused, clapping, while Victor grinned.
– Arent you spoiling them, love?
– What else are mums for? If not now, then when?
