Youll have great power, lad, but everything has a price. Thats why witches never find love, my Gran Margaret used to say, handing over her witchcraft to me as I took the old grimoire.
I kept those words in my mind forever. It turned out that men and I never got along; whenever a hopeful suitor showed up, a few spins around my orbit and hed be tossed into the great unknown. Some were drinkers, some were full of themselves, some made me want to turn them into a toad, and a few were just complete idiots without any need for a spell.
Eventually I threw my hands up. If loves terrible, then so be it! To hell with romance! I adopted a cheeky black cat instead of a bloke and named him Muffin.
One rainy afternoon a raven dropped a thick black parchment on my doorstep. It was an invitation from my old friend Evelyn, whod studied at the Academy of Dark Arts with me. In flamboyant scarlet ink it read:
Hey, Morgan! The girls have decided to hold a family dinner on Friday the thirteenth. Sabbaths are fine, but were more than colleagues in magic were friends, and our families barely know each other. So we need to get together with our significant others. Lyle and I are inviting everyone to our place. Lyles been with me for five years now
Whats this Lyle? I thought, trying to recall anything about Evelyns love life. The answer was embarrassingly scant.
Daisy will bring her Frank. Brett will bring Ernest. And Marion is still undecided between Mark or Max she keeps mixing up the names. So bring yourself and your better half. If youre still flying solo, no worries, well still love having you.
Love? No worries? I snapped, my voice rising. Youll be thrilled that Im a fool for being alone!
How on earth had they dodged the ageold witchs curse of lovelessness? Was it Evelyns Lyle? Had the others all found husbands? Was I somehow the worst, or perhaps the best? Maybe my power was just too strong for romance.
I tried not to think about where the four had dug up boyfriends who wouldnt embarrass them in front of the group. I also ruled out love potions outright after all, a love charm at the Academy was as low as a quacks cure for a splinter. We, a coven of five proud witches, had sworn never to use them, lest my face be covered in pimples, wed said.
The clock ticked down to the dinner, and the lineup of handsome blokes eager to escort me to the witches showcase looked promising. Still, the more I thought about the night, the clearer it became that I should go with someone. I could stroll in alone, acting as if I were the most powerful of us all, accepting the inevitable magical tax on my strength, but having a real mans shoulder beside me would be far more satisfying and the surprised looks from my mates would be priceless.
Three days before the gathering I started to panic. The night before, nerves got the better of me. When the hour finally arrived, my mind went foggy, but my reflexes sharpened.
I scanned the room, my eyes landing on Muffin, who was busy licking himself clean.
No! I told myself.
Yes! I whispered, recalling an obscure spell from my grandmothers notes. I muttered the incantation, and the cat transformed.
A tall, muscular man stepped out, his skin as dark as night.
Are you African? I asked, halfjoking.
Less than that, he replied, flicking his hand nonchalantly, or do you have a problem with my colour?
I dont, I said, then caught myself. Hold on what about your voice? That highpitched falsetto isnt the alpha male I was hoping to show off.
He raised an eyebrow. You dont remember the day? The day of the injections, the white walls, the vet in a coat you called a veterinarian. The awakening
I snorted, At least you dont run round the back alleys anymore.
He smirked, All for your convenience. So, what do you want from me? Testing another spell?
Tonights a ball actually a family dinner and I need a voice that can stay quiet while I look like a lovestruck gentleman. Lets say youve got a cold and lost your voice. Youll stay silent, Ill do the talking. Call yourself Alex. Your job? Impress the guests as my devoted beau.
He only snorted, continuing his grooming. I asked again, What will you do when we get to the house?
I dont like other peoples homes, he said, playing with a dangling amulet, Ill dash to the farthest room, find a comfy bed, and hide under it. Ill hiss at anyone who tries to pull me out, and if needed, Ill swipe with my paw.
No, no, no! No hiding, no hissing! I shouted, half in panic. Otherwise Ill, I trailed off, meeting his eyes and realizing threats wouldnt work on him. I softened my tone. If you do as I ask, Ill feed you the finest liver for the rest of your days.
And salmon, he added.
My face wont crack, will it? I asked.
If I cant find a loo, Ill find some shoes instead.
Fine, salmon it is, I said, and a splash of valerian.
Spit it out! he growled.
Its you wholl be spitting after the disgrace Ill cause you, I retorted. Youre a blackcatturnedhuman, you see?
He chuckled, Youre a blackcatturnedhuman, you see?
Enough, I muttered, we need a plan.
At the door of Evelyns townhouse, I whispered to Alex, Charm them, but stay silent.
He purred, I can purr, that always works.
Dont try anything funny, or Ill cut your tail off! I warned.
Sheepishly, he replied, You lot are monsters you just want to cut something off us animals.
I hushed him, crossed my fingers, and rang the bell.
Evelyn opened the door, standing shouldertoshoulder with a tall, trimmed blond man. For a heartbeat I thought Muffin would hiss, but he just smiled innocently.
The girls were already gathered. Daisys Frank was a buff brunette with a pale, handsome face and a body to match, though something about him made me feel I should adjust something. Bretts Ernest was a rocksolid, slowmoving bloke with a heavy stare. Marions Mark or Max, she kept swapping the names was an ordinary fellow, eyes glued to his girlfriend, never leaving her side.
Alex behaved politely, once grabbing the dangling strap of Bretts dress when she turned away, but I snatched the toy from his hand, threatening to withhold his salmon.
The night went smoothly. Alex stayed mute. The friends chatted about how theyd met, future plans, and similar tales. I found it hard to concoct a romantic story about how a dark lady like me had landed a blackhaired beau, but I was relieved I wasnt the worst of the lot. By the second half of the evening I was finally easing into the party when
Alex sprang up from his seat.
Where are you going? I hissed into his ear.
Ive got to go, he hissed back.
Watch your shoes! Do you know where the bathroom is? I snapped.
Of course I do. Calm down.
He marched off, leaving me sitting on pins and needles, fearing hed mistake the loo for a wardrobe, or start dumping objects into the toilet and clog the pipes. My anxiety spiked when a halfhour passed and he hadnt returned. I glanced around: Daisy was fussing with Franks tie, Brett was trying to coax Ernest into softening his stonecold expression, Marion was listening to yet another love confession from MarkMax. Evelyn glared at Lyle, who was chewing on a chicken bone, completely oblivious.
I slipped away from the table, muttering, Wheres that beast?
He was on the kitchen counter, perched on the table.
Off you go! I hissed. Off the table! What are you doing up there?
Theres sausage, Alex replied, grimacing and purring.
Theres sausage on your plate too! I shouted.
Is it better? he purred louder.
Get down this instant! Dont embarrass me!
I tried to pull him off; he fought. Eventually he crashed to the floor, knocking over a stack of cups and plates, landing not on four cat paws but on his rump like a human.
Just then Evelyn burst in.
Whats happening? Alex, are you alright?
Yes! I grabbed the nearest clue, Hes just panicking! Hes overstimulated.
Evelyn produced a little bottle from the sideboard, tipped a spoonful into a cup, and handed it to Alex with a soothing smile. Drink this, itll calm you down.
Before I could stop him, Alex knocked the water aside, gulped the whole spoon, then crushed the entire bottle.
Its not valerian! I realized too late.
It is! he roared, voice booming. Now I can do anything!
He bolted, clutching a fallen can of beer.
Whats wrong with him? Evelyn asked.
Allergy allergy to valerian, I muttered, chasing after the frantic felinehuman.
He darted through the bedroom, leapt onto the back of the sofa, hung from the curtains, ripped the rod, and tumbled across the carpet. When I tried to grab him, he sprang away with a mischievous glint, heading for the pantry.
A cornbread! he shouted from inside a microwavebox, his voice echoing.
The whole gang gathered, watching the catman cram himself into a cardboard box that was already bulging and tearing, refusing to contain his black form.
Daisy giggled, Hes just like my kitten!
I could only perform Captain Picards classic facepalm.
Is it really an allergy? Evelyn squinted.
Stop it, Alex growled, Im a cat!
Bloody hell! I cursed, recalling a spell to sink into the earth.
How could you? Daisy snapped.
A neutered cat, Alex sneered, collapsing in the cracked box.
Brett, with a tone like a stern teacher, said, Youve both betrayed our friendship, our trust! How could you? Evelyns dark eyes flickered, Ernest is a golem, she whispered, and you, Alex?
Marion burst out, I have to admit Mark I mean Max I cursed him.
A collective Ah! rang out.
I broke our vow, she sobbed, I was angry that you all seemed to have happy lovers while I was stuck.
I nodded, Were all unlucky, arent we?
Losers! Evelyn huffed, turning away. Lets go, Lyle.
Lyle growled at the flailing, nowagainAfrican man in the box.
Lyle! Evelyn shouted, the growl rising.
I, deciding that Alexs human form no longer fit, whispered a quick reversal. He shrank back into a sleek black cat, while Lyle began to shrink, his limbs turning furry, until a tiny ginger Chihuahua yelped at the cat.
Poor Lyle! Marion laughed, and the rest joined in, except Evelyn, who turned a deep crimson.
An hour later, the witches left their failed suitors behind, drifted to the nearest pub, and joined a group of five academy graduates for a pint of bitter, as per the old tradition of drinking on every Friday the thirteenthcelebrating our chronic misfortune in love over a round of pints.
