Barbara, youve lost your marbles in your old age! Your grandchildren are at school what on earth are you doing getting married? Thats exactly what my sister said to me when I told her I was tying the knot.
But why keep putting things off? In just a week, Alan and I are getting married, and I needed to tell my sister. Of course, she wont be coming to the ceremony she lives all the way down south, and Im up north. Besides, were not planning some big knees-up with everyone shouting Kiss! Kiss! at us not at sixty. Well just nip into the registry office and have a quiet meal together afterwards.
We could have skipped the legal bit altogether, but Alans insistent. Hes an old-school gentleman, always holding the door open for me, giving me his arm when I get out of the car, helping me on with my coat. He simply won’t be satisfied without that bit of paper. Im not a lad anymore, Barbara. I want proper commitment, he told me. And to me, thats exactly what he is a lad at heart, grey hair and all. At work, everyone respects him and addresses him by his full name. There, hes very serious, even stern, but the moment he sees me he knocks forty years off his shoulders and spins me around in the street. It makes me happy, but I just feel embarrassed. People are watching! I tell him. Let them look, I only have eyes for you, he laughs. Truly, when were together, it does feel like were the last two people on the planet.
But I still had to tell my sister, Rachel. I was worried shed look down on me she always has something to say but really, I just wanted her to be happy for me. It took me a bit to work up the courage, but I finally picked up the phone.
Oh, Barbara she began, her tone somewhere between panic and disbelief. Its only been a year since you buried David, and already youve found someone else! Honestly, I knew shed be shocked, but it surprised me that her anger felt more about my late husband than anything else.
Rach, I know, I interrupted. But who decides these things? Can you give me the magic number how long is long enough before Im allowed to be happy again?
She paused to think. Well, just to be decent, you ought to wait at least five years.
So Im supposed to tell Alan: Sorry, come back in five years, Im in mourning until then? I replied.
Rachel went quiet.
And whats the point? I pressed. Do you really think in five years time, people wont gossip? Therell always be someone wagging their tongue, and honestly, I couldnt care less about them. Its your opinion that matters. If youre really set against this, Ill call off the wedding.
Look, I dont want to be the bad guy. Get married today if you want! Just so you know, I dont understand it, and I dont support you. You always did your own thing, but I never thought youd completely lose your senses. For goodness sake, wait at least another year.
But I didnt back down. You say wait another year, but what if Alan and I only have this one left? Then what?
She sniffed and blew her nose.
Honestly, do what you want. I understand everyone wants to be happy, but you lived a happy life for so many years
I actually laughed. You thought I was happy all those years? So did I. Its only now that Ive realised I was just a workhorse. I never knew life could be any different that it could actually be something to enjoy.
David was a lovely man, truly. We raised two daughters, and now I have five grandchildren. David always said family came first, and I never argued. First, we worked ourselves to the bone for our little family. Then it was for the girls families, and after that, for the grandchildren. Looking back, I realise my whole life was a mad dash for comfort, never even stopping for a cup of tea. When our eldest got married, we already had a holiday cottage, but David decided we should get a bit of land, raise our own chickens and lamb for the kids.
We rented an acre out in Sussex and took on more than we could handle. David got livestock, and it never ended feeding them, cleaning up, endless chores. We rarely got to bed before midnight and were up before dawn. Year-round, we lived out in the cottage, coming into town only on errands. Id chat to my friends now and then one had just come back from the seaside with her granddaughter, another had gone to the theatre with her husband. Me, I barely had time to nip to Tesco.
Sometimes, wed go days without bread because the animals had us completely tied up. Still, it was worth it for the kids they were never hungry. Our eldest managed to upgrade her car, the youngest renovated her flat, all thanks to our scrimping and saving. Was it too much? Once an old friend visited me and said, Barb, I barely recognised you. I thought you were recharging your batteries here, but you look half-dead. Why put yourself through this?
How else? I replied. The children need our help.
Theyre grown let them stand on their own two feet, she told me. You ought to live a little for yourself.
I didnt even know what that meant back then live for myself. Now I do, and its marvellous: sleeping in as long as I like, popping to the shops, going to the pictures, swimming, taking up cross-country when I fancy. No one suffers for it these days. The children arent destitute, the grandchildren dont go hungry, and, best of all, I see everything differently now.
Before, Id get annoyed raking leaves at the cottage, thinking what a mess, but now those leaves make me smile. I go walking through the park, kick them up, and Im as giddy as a schoolgirl. I love the rain now I can just enjoy it from a café window, without worrying about herding the goats in. I finally appreciate the beauty of clouds, sunsets, the crunch of snow underfoot. Our city is actually beautiful, and it was Alan who opened my eyes.
After my husband died, it was as if Id gone mad with grief. It all happened so suddenly a heart attack, the ambulance didnt make it. The children quickly sold off the cottage, the livestock, and brought me back to the city. At first, I wandered in a daze, waking up at five, not knowing what to do.
Then Alan appeared. He was my neighbour, a friend of my son-in-law, and had helped us move. He admitted later he had no intentions at first he just saw a broken woman and felt sorry. He said he could tell I was full of life really, I just needed some encouragement. He took me for a stroll in the park. We sat on a bench, ate ice cream, then he suggested we walk to the pond to feed the ducks. I kept ducks for years, but never had time to just watch them. I hadnt realised how funny they are, tumbling over for bits of bread.
I cant believe I can just stand and watch ducks, I marvelled. I never got to do that with my own always too busy preparing food, cleaning out coops. But now I can stop and enjoy it.
Alan just grinned, took my hand, and said, Just wait Ive so much more to show you! Youre about to be born again, Barbara.
And he was right. Each day, like a child, I discovered some new joy. The old life felt like a grim dream in comparison. I cant even pinpoint when I realised just how much I needed Alan his voice, his laugh, his gentle touch. But one morning, I woke up and it hit me: this is real, this is what I cant give up now.
My daughters, mind you, greeted the news of our relationship with open hostility. They said I was betraying their dads memory. It hurt, as if I ought to feel guilty. Alans children, on the other hand, were thrilled said they could finally stop worrying about their dad. All I had left to do was tell my sister, so of course, I put it off till the very last.
So when is the wedding? Rachel finally asked after our long chat.
This Friday.
Well, what can I say? Good luck, I suppose. Love and all that even at your age, she said, curtly.
That Friday, Alan and I bought a lovely bit of food just for us, put on our best clothes, called a cab, and headed to the registry office. As we climbed out, I nearly fainted there, right outside, were my daughters, their husbands, my grandkids, Alans family, and most of all Rachel! She stood holding a bouquet of white roses, beaming at me through tears.
Rach! You actually made the trip for me? I couldnt believe my eyes.
Well, I had to see who I was handing you over to, didnt I? she laughed.
Turns out, theyd all got together behind my back and booked a table at a café for a surprise.
The other day, Alan and I celebrated our anniversary. Hes well and truly part of the family now. Sometimes I still cant believe any of this is happening to me Im so deliriously happy, it doesnt seem quite decent. Almost feels like Id jinx it to say aloud.
