For the past three months, my brother has been on at me about Mum. Ever since her stroke, she hasnt quite been herselfshe can be absent-minded and needs someone with her all the time now. She truly needs care; its like looking after a child. But Ive got my job, my own house, my familyhow am I supposed to manage it all?
I suggested we consider placing her in a care home, but my brother is having none of it and calls me heartless. At the same time, he refuses to have her come live with him. Mind you, hes living in his wifes flat.
We used to be such a close family, just the four of us. My brother and I are only a year apart in age. Our parents had us later in life, so now Im 36 and James is 35. Mum is 72, and until Dad passed away, honestly, things were alright.
James went off to university in Leeds and ended up settling there after he married. As for me, I stayed in Norwich. I lived with Mum and Dad for a bit, but once I married David, we decided to rent our own place. Our plan was to eventually buy somewhere and start our own family.
But two years ago Dad died. Mum was lost, devastatedshe missed him terribly and seemed to age overnight. Then she became unwell, and six months ago she suffered a stroke. We really thought we were going to lose her. Only the doctors at the NHS brought her back. At first she could barely talk, she couldnt move her arms and legs properly, but over time she improved physicallyher mind, however, didnt recover all the way.
The doctors told us there would be lasting effects. So, it fell on me to look after her. David and I moved into Mums flat. I switched to freelance work so I could be bedside. She really cant be left alone. Even after she regained her movement, things didnt get any easier.
She rambles, gets confused, sometimes shell try to wander off, and we find ourselves chasing after her, struggling to persuade her back inside. She cries, insisting shes supposed to be meeting Dad somewhere. Its exhausting. I barely sleep; Im terrified shell disappear while Im not looking. I can hardly focus on work.
David suggested a care home. Theyre not cheapcosts are upwards of £3,000 a monthbut if we both worked properly, we could probably cover it, especially if James contributed. It would be fair.
It took me ages to bring it up, but I knew it was the only realistic option left. Shed have proper medical attention, people watching over her around the clock. I visited oneyes, the price was high, but I didnt see another way forward.
I phoned James to explain everything. I thought hed be rational about it. Instead, he lost it completely.
Are you mad? You want to put our own mother in a care home? Shell be there with strangers! You dont even know how shell be treated! Youre so cold! he yelled down the line. Or maybe you just want her out of the house?
I tried reasoning with him, but he refused to listen. I bit my tongue but inside Id had enough. I tried again a while later, hoping hed come round, but he still wouldnt budge.
I couldnt do that to our mother. After all, she raised usshe didnt dump us in a childrens home when it all got hard.
So now its all fallen on me. I told him, if he thinks its so awful, he can take her in. Show how much he cares. But he keeps making excuses.
You know full well I live with Anna in her flat. How am I supposed to get her to agree to bring my mother-in-law to live with us?
So my husband is expected to care for his mother-in-law, but your wife isnt? You and David are living with herthats why youre stuck with all the caring.
I told James that if he didnt want Mum to go to a care home, hed best move back to Norwich himself and sort it out. He hesitated, muttering about how hes always working and cant do it, and claimed I just want to run away from my responsibilities.
I feel trapped. On one hand, I know placing her in a home would make life easier for everyone. But the guilt is overwhelmingI cant shake the idea that Im a terrible daughter. David stands by me, says its time, and the carers there would look after her properly. Besides, we have our own lives too, not just hers to manage.
So Ive decidedIll wait another week. If James doesnt come, Ill have to do whats best for everyone and arrange the care home. People like to give advice, but theyve no idea how hard this really is until theyve done it themselves. James can come up with whatever excuses he likesIm worn out.
