My brother doesnt want to put Mum in a care home, but he wont take her in either says theres no room.
For the past three months, my brother and I have been arguing over whats best for Mum. Ever since her stroke, she hasnt been able to manage alone. Shes forgetful all the time and must have someone with her. She needs constant care. The problem is, everythings fallen on me. Its as if Ive suddenly become a parent again except this time, to my own mother. Ive got a job, a house, my own family how am I supposed to be in two places at once? I suggested she move into a care home, and my brother bit my head off, accusing me of treating her heartlessly. Yet he refuses to have her live with him, claiming no space at his wifes flat.
We used to be a close-knit family, four of us. My brother, George, is a year younger than me. Our parents had us rather late in life. Now Im 36, and George is 35. Our mum is 72. While our dad was alive, things were fine.
After he died, George left for university in Manchester, met his wife and settled there, while I stayed in Oxford. Thats where I put down roots. Initially, I lived with my parents, but after I got married, my wife Emma and I decided to rent our own place, with a view to buying eventually and having children. We had our plans all mapped out.
But just two years ago, Dad passed away, and Mum became withdrawn, listless, lost without him. She seemed to age overnight. Her health declined, and six months ago, she suffered a stroke. We feared the worst and thought she wouldnt make it. In the beginning, she struggled to talk, and her limbs didnt work properly. Her mobility improved after a while, but her mind was never the same.
Doctors said the damage was irreversible. So, of course, I had to take care of her. Emma and I moved into Mums house. I switched jobs and started freelancing to be nearby. It was impossible to leave her alone. Even after she regained her ability to move about, things didnt get easier.
Shed ramble, get lost, wed be out chasing after her she just wouldnt come home, crying out that Dad was waiting for her somewhere. It was utter chaos. My sleep suffered. I kept worrying shed wander off. And I couldnt focus on work, not even for an hour at a time. Emma suggested a care home.
Its terribly expensive, but if we budget carefully, we could manage it. Emma said, Youve got a brother. George should contribute too. Fairs fair.
I hesitated for ages, but in the end, I realised there wasnt another way out. How much longer could this carry on? A home would mean proper medical care and round-the-clock support. I visited one and got all the facts. Of course, it costs a small fortune, but what choice do I have?
Then I rang George to explain everything. Tried to make him see sense. I thought hed see things clearly. Instead, he lost his temper.
Have you gone mad? How can you send your own mother to a care home? No one knows her there its all strangers. How do you know theyll treat her kindly? Youre heartless! he shouted down the phone. Or maybe you just want rid of her?
I tried to reason with him, but he wouldnt listen. So I kept caring for Mum on my own. But I could feel myself running out of steam. I talked to him about it again, but his opinion didnt waver.
I couldnt possibly do that to Mum. After all shes done for us she raised and educated both of us. We grew up in a loving home, not a childrens home. And she never complained when it got tough. We owe her everything.
We both do yet why does only one of us seem to actually do anything about it? If he hates my suggestion so much, why doesnt he come and take Mum in himself? Let him put his kindness into action.
You know I live with my wife in her flat. How am I supposed to talk her into being a full-time carer for her mother-in-law?
So, my husband can help with his mother-in-law, but your wife cant? You and your wife arent willing to take Mum in, so my husband steps up?
He just said, But you and your husband already live with Mum. Thats why he helps out.
I told him straight: I could walk away now. He and his wife could move here. George hesitated, saying hes got work and cant be distracted. He made it sound like I just wanted to dump all responsibility.
It feels like a nightmare. On one hand, I know putting her in a good care home is the only way forward. It would be better for everyone. But I feel guilty, like a selfish daughter, for even thinking it. Emma supports me, says theyll take care of Mum, and that we have our own lives too.
So I decided Ill give it another week. If George doesnt step up, Ill do what must be done. She needs proper care. People love to give advice, but only I truly understand how hard it is. And if George wants to make up stories for his mates, let him Ive had quite enough.
