My husband has always said that Im not feminine enough. At first, hed mention it in passingsaying that if I wore more makeup, dressed in skirts, or acted a bit softer, Id be better. Ive never been like that, though. Ive always been practical, straightforward, and not particularly vain. I work, I sort out problems, I get on with what needs doing. That was the woman he met; I never pretended to be anyone else.
As time went on, his comments became more frequent. He started comparing me to women we saw on social media, to our friends wives, and to his colleagues at work. Hed say I looked more like a mate than a wife. Id listen, sometimes wed argue, and then wed get on with things. I never thought it was anything serious. I just saw it as the usual differences you get between people when you live together.
But the day my father was buried, all of that suddenly felt much more important. I was in shock. I couldnt sleep, wasnt eating, and couldnt think about anything except making it through the funeral. I put on the first black clothes I could find; I didnt put on any makeup and just tidied my hair as best I could. I simply didnt have the strength to care.
Just before we left the house, my husband looked at me and said, Are you really going out like that? Couldnt you have made a bit more of an effort?
At first, I didnt understand. I told him I didnt care what I looked likeI had just lost my dad. He replied, Yes, but even so People will talk. You look completely neglected.
I felt something strange in my chest, as if Id been crushed from the inside.
At the service, he was with everyone else, greeting people, offering condolences, looking sombre. But with me, he was distant. He barely hugged me, never asked how I was. At one moment, as we passed a mirror in the sitting room, he quietly said that I should pull myself together a bit, that my dad wouldnt have wanted to see me that way.
After the funeral, once we were back home, I asked him if that really was the only thing hed noticed about the whole day. Hadnt he seen that I was devastated? He told me not to exaggerate, that he was just giving his opinion, and that women shouldnt let themselves go, even at times like this.
Since then, I see him differently.
But I cant leave him.
I feel like I cant be without him.
