My husband has always told me that Im not feminine enough. At first, he would mention it in passing suggesting that maybe if I wore more makeup, put on dresses, if I were a bit softer. But thats never been who I am. Ive always been straightforward, practical, not overly bothered about appearances. I work, I solve problems, I do what needs to be done. That’s the person he got to know. I never once pretended to be someone else.
As the years went by, these remarks became more frequent. He started comparing me to women wed see on social media, to the wives of our friends, even to women at his workplace. Hed tell me I looked more like a mate than a wife. Id listen, sometimes wed argue, but wed get on with things. I never thought it was a serious issue. I just chalked it up to normal differences between people in a relationship.
The day I buried my father, all of that suddenly stopped seeming trivial. I was in shock. I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat, my mind was blank except for getting through the funeral. I threw on the first black clothes I found, didnt bother with make-up, did nothing to my hair except the bare minimum. I simply had no strength left for anything else.
Just before we left the house, my husband looked at me and said,
Is that really how youre going? Couldnt you at least tidy yourself up a bit?
At first, I didnt quite get it. I told him I didnt care how I lookedId just lost my dad. He replied,
Yes, but even so people will talk. You look a mess.
I felt something heavy and cold inside me, as though someone had crushed my insides.
At the service, he was with everyone else. He shook hands, offered condolences, wore a serious face. But with me, he was distant. He barely hugged me. He didnt ask how I was coping. At one point, as we passed the mirror in the sitting room, he quietly said I ought to pull myself together a bit, that my father wouldnt have wanted to see me like this.
When it was all over and we were home, I asked him if that was honestly the only thing hed noticed about that day. Did he not see how shattered I was? He told me not to make a fuss, he was just saying that a woman shouldn’t let herself go even at times like these.
Since then, I see him differently.
But I cant leave him.
I feel like I cant bear to be without him.
