No one turned them away, they said to both mothers, they just didnt want to stay! Let them come, wed be happy to see them!
Sit down. Were not in, Tom said, his voice level and cold.
Theyre ringing! Alice froze, halfway off the sofa.
Let them ring, Tom replied.
But what if its someone important? Alice whispered. Business?
Its Saturday, lunchtime, Tom muttered. You didnt invite anyone. Im not expecting anyone. Conclusion?
Ill just look through the spyhole! Alice whispered.
Sit down! Toms voice rang with steel. Were out! Whoever it is, they can trudge back the way they came!
Do you know whos there? asked Alice.
I can guess, which is why I said, stop twitching around by the windows.
If its who I think, they wont go that easily, Alice shrugged, uneasy.
That depends how long we ignore them, Tom said smoothly. Sooner or later, theyll leave. No ones spending the night on the doorstep. And we dont need to go out today. So grab your earphones, your phone, and watch something.
My mums calling, Alice said, showing her phone screen.
So your Aunt Rosemary is at the doorwith her bumbling son, Tom deduced.
How do you know? Alice frowned.
If it was my cousin, Tom said, dragging out the word in a way that made it sound slimy, my mumd be calling.
Other options?
The neighbours? Ive no wish to chat. Friends wouldnt hammer on the door for half an hourtheyd ring, and then leave. Good manners say theyd call ahead to check were in.
No, only our ever-annoying relatives could be so brazen with our bell.
Tom its Aunt Rosemary, Alice said with a sigh, showing a message. Mums asking where we are. Aunt needs to stay here a few daysshes got things in town.
Text hertheres plenty of hotels, Tom grinned.
I cant say that! Alice hissed.
I know, Tom considered. Say were not home. Tell her were living in a hotelthe flats being fumigated for cockroaches.
Thats perfect! Alice typed her message and sent it.
Now she wants us to book two hotel roomsone for her, one for Charlie! Alice groaned.
Say weve no money. And that were in a hostelsharing with fifteen foreigners, Tom offered, smiling at his own cunning.
Mum wants to know when well be back, Alice glanced at Tom.
Tell her a week, Tom waved away the question.
The ringing stopped. The couple exhaled in relief.
Tom, Mum says Aunt Rosemary will arrive next week, Alice said, sounding spent.
And well be out all over again, Tom replied.
Tom, this wont solve anything. We cant dodge them forever. What if they come on a weekday? Or catch us after work? Both my aunt and your cousin are capable of anything!
Tom groaned. Why did we ever buy a three-bed flat?
We bought it for our future, for a big family, Alice reminded him.
We need a child! Tom said gravely. Better, two.
As if Im against it? Alice snapped. You know weve tried! Tests say were fine. Its nerves getting in the way!
Less stress, more success, Tom nodded. They wind us upyour lot, my lotalternately. Wouldnt mind banishing them all wherever they came from! Because of them, we cant get anywhere!
Alice didnt argue. She knew Tom was right.
When they planned their wedding, both underwent expensive checks for compatibility and genetic risks. All fine, all perfect. But after marrying, kids had to waitthey saved for a deposit.
There was no inheritancebefore marriage, each had lived with their mums in cramped flats. All their own effort.
Five years of hard work and saving finally got them a spacious flat.
Older building, second-hand, the place needed a full refurb and brand new furniture. But the joythe happinesswas indescribable.
They hadnt even celebrated a housewarming before Alices Aunt Rosemary turned updragging her whiny son Charlie with her. To make matters worse, Alices mum camped alongside to keep the young homeowners in check.
Well, arent you embarrassed? Youve got space here! Not like the one room we suffered with Alice in!
Its convenient, Aunt Rosemary pronounced. Well have a room eachme and Charlie!
No one sleeps in the lounge, said Tom firmly. Its for relaxing.
Who said I intend to work there? Aunt Rosemary laughed. Alice, tell your husbandme and Charlie cant sleep together, he snores! And you havent even set the table for guests!
We werent expecting you Alice faltered.
And the fridge is empty, Tom added.
Oh, all right, Aunt Rosemary relented. Tom, run to the shop. Alice, dash to the kitchen!
Why are you both stuck still? Alices mum snapped. Is this how you host relatives?
Getting cheeky, arent we Tom started, but Alice dragged him out.
Once shed released Toms hand from clamping his mouth, he spat out,
Alice, has someone lost the plot? Ill turf them out to your mum. Seriously, including your mum! If you visit, at least behave for once! What is this?
Shes just simple, Tom. Country folk! Thats how they do things
I know country folk, but rudeness isnt the local custom, anywhere!
Lets not start rowsMum and Aunt will wear me out with nagging! And youll become their arch enemydo you want that?
I couldnt care less. If thats how they treat me, it wont bother me to never acknowledge them again! I wont shed a tear if they vanish!
Tom, please! Pity me! If we kick out Aunt Rosemary, Mum will curse meand Ive no one but her!
That did the trick. Tom clenched his teeth and headed for the shop.
Aunt Rosemary ended up staying not three days as promised, but two weeks. Tom was mainlining Valerian by the end of day two.
Their departure was celebrated by the young couple as a festivalmops and brooms wielded, three days scrubbing the flat.
Then the same script, different players.
Mate, Im just popping by a bit, Alex crushed Tom in a bear hug. Got things to sortthen were off again!
You cant sort things alone? Tom protested.
Come on, Ive got a family! Cant leave them alone in the village and swan off by myself. Use your brain! If I come looking for adventure, my wife keeps me in check!
Thats why you brought your kids too? Tom asked.
Cant leave them, Alex slapped Toms back. Let them run riot! Come on, lets take this town by storm like old times!
Alex! his wife Susan shrieked. You try it, Ill storm youtherell be nothing left to shake after!
Within ninety minutes, Alice was in bed with a headache from hell.
The kids screamed and rushed about; Susan could only hollershe hadnt another speaking volume. And Alex kept trying to sneak out for a wild night, stoking Susans megaphone squalls.
Tom, arent you mums only child? Alice moaned into her pillow.
Hes my cousin, on Mums side, Tom grouched. I call him my cousin.
I dont care what you call himcant we get him to leave?
Id love to, Tom laid hand to heart, but its exactly the same as with your aunt. Mum would spoon out my brains and make me eat them!
No sooner had they recovered from one visit than the next batch was at the doorAunt Rosemary and Charlie always found new business in London. Cousin Alex and his crew regularly crashed for their own important errands. And both mothers kept tabs, fussing over their darling children. Alices mum drove Tom insane; Toms mum whittled away at Alice.
The endless interruptions battered the young couples nerves and mental health.
On this endless carousel of guests, the prospect of children grew dim. Health had started to sufferand, honestly, how?
Should we swap flats? Alice suggested.
For padded cells? Tom smirked. Theyll have us committed soon anyway.
No, I mean swap ours for one just like itplenty of people want a new neighbourhood! We could move, not tell a soul, and vanish!
A short-lived escape, Tom snorted. My cousin and your auntll harass the poor new tenants, and theyll spill the beans. Wed be hunted down and crucified for our sins!
Maybe wed get time to actually make a baby? Alice asked hopefully.
We need to make one, AND bring it into the world. That way wed have some excuse, Tom shook his head.
Im about ready to move out, Alice murmured. Lets bunk in with friends? Just disappear for a while?
You mean Phil and Emily? asked Tom.
Yeah, Alice nodded. Theyve even got a spare room!
Theyve got Bella though, Tom grinned. Remember?
Id much rather live with a German Shepherd than with our relatives! Alice slumped in defeat.
Wait! cried Tom, grabbing his mobile.
Phil! Can we borrow your dog?
Oh mate! I owe you forever! Emily and I are itching for the seaside, and the girl needs someone. She doesnt do strangers, but she loves and respects you two! Phil was practically shouting down the phone. Ill bring her food, bedding, toys, bowls. Ill even pay you!
Bring her over! Tom replied, jubilant.
Returning, cheeks flushed, eyes sparkling, Tom declared,
Ring your mumtell her Aunt can come tomorrow. Ill call Alexinvite him over next week!
You sure? Alice asked, wary.
Well welcome them warmly! Tom crooned. Not our fault the new resident doesnt suit.
Alex and his family took one bark before choosing a comfy hotel.
Aunt Rosemary tried to stake her rights.
Shut that beast in a room! she demanded, hiding behind her son.
Aunt Rosie, you must be joking! Tom laughed. Shes forty-five kilos of pure muscleshes a German Shepherd for goodness sake! Shed smash any door!
Why does she snarl at me? Aunts voice trembled.
Shes not fond of strangers, Alice shrugged.
Get rid of her! I cant live in a flat with that creature!
Get rid? No chance! Tom bristled. Shes our darling now! Weve got no children, we need someone to love! And we love her plenty!
And we wouldnt ever abandon her! Alice added.
Soon both mums rang, asking how they could turn away family.
No one chased them out, the couple replied. They just didnt want to stay! Tell them to visit any timetheyre welcome!
What about the dog?
Mum, we havent refused anyone!
After that, the mums stopped fighting to come.
A month later, Bella went back to her familybut would return at the drop of a hat.
There was no need. Alice was expecting twins.
