Many young daughters-in-law in England quietly endure tension with their mothers-in-law, not daring to voice complaints.
Our first wedding anniversary is approaching, and the relationship with my mother-in-law is far from settled. We’re civil, but a smooth bond is certainly not there yet.
Before our wedding, I asked my husband to introduce me to his mother since he already knew my mum. He kept putting it off: no time, or my mother was busy, or there was always some excuse. People would say, Youll have plenty of time to get acquainted. In the end, I finally met his mother on our wedding day. The encounter was rather awkward: when I greeted her with a warm Good morning! she replied through gritted teeth, Good morning.
Previously, my husband had described his mother as lovely and completely understanding. I once confided to him that I worried she might meddle in our lives. I had seen this drama unfold many times before. But he assured me that she wasn’t like that at all. He always said he would pick a wife himself, build a family of his own, and that his mother would never criticise his choice or offer unwanted lectures. A few days after the wedding, my husband came home from work, sitting in the kitchen drinking tea, looking pensive. I asked if something was bothering him. His answer took me by surprise:
I think my mum might not be very fond of you.
Apparently, my mother-in-law finds fault because I dont wash eggs with baking soda before using them, or because I sometimes leave dishes in the sink for convenience. I place the washing-up sponge on the side of the sink rather than on a separate dish. I make stock all in one go, not by changing the water halfway through. And there are many other such missteps. I was shocked!
I asked my husband:
Why on earth would she dislike me? After all, you and I are our own family now. She doesnt even live with us.
But Im her son! Im used to these ways, so you should do things as she does!
I protested, explaining that my kitchen wasnt like his familys, and that in my own home I should be able to live as I see fit.
My husband then said that from now on, things would run differently and I should get used to it.
After that exchange, we actually had a peaceful four months. When we did see my mother-in-law, she would smile politely, ask about my work, our family life, and if her son helped around the house. When we got a dog, within a week the whole neighbourhood seemed to know that I didnt cook bones and meat for the dog. That I was foolish to feed the dog on raw food. That my poor mother-in-law was struggling with a daughter-in-law so careless. Suddenly, I was useless!
I hadnt even realised I was supposedly so hopeless. I told my husband after a friend mentioned it to me when we were walking the dog that morning. I didnt like hearing such things about myself from a stranger. I asked him to speak to his mum, but he just laughed and said I should let it blow over. Now even my mother-in-law seems cross with me. I always speak politely to her, but her response is a curt hello.
My husband thinks I dont respect his mum. He claims I refuse to accept their familys way, and that Im not making an effort to win her over. It seems what his mother really misses is… our dog. By the way, his parents liked to drop by our flat for tea without warning.
Whats more, were due to stay at their house for a while soon. I honestly have no idea how Ill cope. The thought of it gives me the jitters, especially once we have children Im certain the neighbours will know exactly how I wash and feed them. I suppose I might end up having to move back in with my parents. I doubt my mother-in-law will ever let me settle in quietly with them.
