Emma, have you got a minute? Mum called as she peeked into my room.
Just a sec, Mum. Ill send this email and come help you I replied, eyes still glued to my laptop.
Theres not enough mayonnaise for the salad, and I forgot to buy dill. Do you mind nipping to the shop before it closes?
Sure, no problem.
Sorry to bother you. Your hairs already done. My heads spinning with all this holiday fuss, she sighed.
I closed my laptop and turned around. Did you say something, Mum?
I slipped on my boots and coat, but left my hat off so I wouldnt ruin my hair. The shop was just next door, so Id be fine for a couple of minutes. Outside, a light frost nipped at my face while a gentle snow felljust like a proper English Christmas card.
There werent many people in the shop. Only those whod realised, in all the hustle, theyd forgotten something. The dill was only left in a mixed bag with parsley and spring onionrather wilted too. I wanted to ask Mum if I should get it or if it was better to do without, but then I realised Id left my phone at home. After a quick ponder, I took the herbs, picked up a tub of mayonnaise from the nearly empty shelf, paid at the till, and stepped out into the night.
I hadnt even reached the edge of the car park when a car swung round the corner, its headlights dazzling me. Instinctively I recoiled, and my boot slipped on a slick patch hidden under the snow. My ankle twisted and I crashed down, my bag skidding away.
I tried to stand, but the pain in my ankle made my eyes water. No one was around, and without my phone, I felt helpless. I didnt hear the car door close quietly behind me.
Are you alright? A young man leaned over, hand outstretched. Can you stand? Let me help you.
I think Ive broken my ankle, thanks to you. Driving about like a lunatic, turning the pavement into an ice rink, I snapped, voice thick with tears, ignoring his hand.
Shouldn’t be walking about in heels at night, should you?
Sod off, I shot back, sniffling.
Planning to sit here all night then? Look, Im not a murderer. Where do you live?
I pointed to my block next door. He disappeared for a minute. Then the car reversed and stopped beside me.
Im going to lift you up. Try not to put weight on it. Ready? One, two, threehe hoisted me up before I could protest, and I hopped on one foot.
You okay? he asked, holding me up as he opened the passenger door.
My bag! I cried as he helped me into the seat.
He fetched it for me, tossed it onto the back seat, and drove us round the corner to the entrance.
At the building, he got out, lifted me in his arms, nudged the door shut with his foot, and carried me up the stairsno lift, of course, as usual in these old flats. I hung on to his neck and could feel him breathing hard, sweat beading at his temples in the dim light of the landing. Serves you right, I thought, for racing near the shops.
Put me down, Ill manage from here, I told him outside our door.
He didnt reply, just sucked in a breath. Suddenly, Mum opened the door.
Emma? Whats going on?
He surged past her and set me gently down.
Could you fetch a chair? he asked, noticing Mum clutching the coat rack in shock.
Mum dashed to the kitchen while I sat with my ankle stuck out. The man knelt before me.
What on earth is happening? Mum asked.
He ignored her, held my ankle, undid my boot with a sharp tug. I yelped.
Ow! That hurts!
What are you doing? You’re hurting her! Mum shouted, horror in her eyes as my ankle swelled, dark red and angry through the tights.
Ill ring for an ambulance! said Mum.
Its a dislocation, nothing more. Im a doctor. Get some ice, quickly, he ordered.
Mum hurried off and came back with a bag of frozen peas.
Hold it on her ankle, he instructed, standing up.
Youre leaving? I asked, panicked.
Just fetching a bandage from my carand your bag, he said, vanishing down the stairs.
Did you leave your bag with him? Emma, who is this? Mum whispered as she pressed the cold peas to my ankle.
He popped out of nowhereI slipped, fell, and he carried me home. Thats all I know.
What if hes a thief? He could run off with your cards and keys. Maybe I should call the police, before he disappears?
Oh, Mum. If hed wanted to rob me, hed have left me in the street. He carried me home.
Not sure, Mum muttered.
The buzzer rang.
Its him. Let him in.
He brought up my bag, handed it back.
Check its all there, he said, doffing his coat, kneeling again.
This will hurt, Im afraid, he murmured, bracing my foot with one hand. I gripped the seat as my ears rang with the pain.
Something smells burning, he said, glancing at Mum.
She raced to the kitchen.
He set my ankle in place in one swift, agonising movement. My whole world flashed white for a second.
Easy, now. Itll feel better soon he said quietly.
Mum reappeared, blanched.
Ive set the joint. Itll hurt for a few days. Dont put weight on it, he said, getting up. Thank you, Mum said as she fussed around nervously. Please, stay for dinner. Theres only a short while until midnight, you wont get home in time. Everythings ready.
He hesitated, then nodded. If youre sure, Id be glad to.
Course! Youll help me with the bubbly, Mum joked.
Mum! I said, glaring at her as he helped me over to the sofa.
He sat with me as I awkwardly tried to rest my foot. But it was oddly nice, feeling his hand at my waist as I hobbled.
Thank you, I said as I settled down.
Its the least I could do. Im really sorry you got hurt, he said.
It wasnt your fault, really. I leapt away like a madwoman. Whats your name?
James. Shall we drop the formalities?
Sure. Are you really a doctor?
A surgeon. I popped by the shop to grab a few bits
Your wife must be waiting, worrying.
She left me half a year ago. Got fed up with me always at workeven at weekends and holidays I get called in. Took our daughter and moved in with her mum.
I must look dreadful, I said, overwhelmed.
Not at all.
So, thats how James, Mum, and I rang in the new year together. They say how you start it is how you spend it.
After James left, Mum and I went to bed, but I couldnt sleep. I could still feel his arm around my waist, replayed being carried in his arms, every touch flustering me.
By morning, my ankle was swollen, the bandage pinched, but I could walk.
I was delighted when James popped round again. He checked my foot, replaced the bandage.
Alls well. Can you put weight on it?
We agreed to you yesterday. Yes, I can, I grinned.
Tea? Mum asked.
Next time, Ive got a shift.
Youll come by again? I called as he left.
He smiled.
Two months later, I moved in with him.
Hes not even divorced. What if his wife comes back? Mum said as I packed.
She wont. If she does, shell walk out again. James said shes with someone else anyway.
Im not sure, Emma. Feels rushed.
It was a happy year. I sometimes got jealous when he visited his daughter, saw his wife. Shes beautifulI saw her picture.
Living with James helped me understand his ex-wife more. James was often called into hospital, even when we had plans. There were young nurses. He was impossible not to love. But when he was home, I felt radiant.
A year raced by. Despite everything, it was full of joy. James never got divorced. That, and Mums nagging about clarifying things, always weighed on me.
On New Years Eve, I was in the kitchen getting things ready. The living room glowed with fairy lights from the Christmas tree, and my new dress was waiting on the bed. I checked the roast, then heard the phone. When I peered in, James was hunched by the window, phone to his ear.
Alright, Ill be over now he said, turning to me.
Another emergency? I asked, my voice faltering.
No. My wife rang. Our daughter wont sleep until she sees me. Ill be quickjust to put her to bed and give her a gift. Ill be back soon.
Its less than three hours till midnight, I replied, barely holding back tears.
Ill be quick, promise. Ill tuck her in and come straight back. He kissed my cheek and was gone.
I tried not to be upset or jealous, but I couldnt help myself. I got everything ready, slipped into my dress, but as midnight crept closer and James still hadnt returned, I didnt phone in case he was driving. I sent a messageno reply.
Worn out by waiting, staring at the table, I blew out the candles. For the first time, I truly understood his ex-wife. What if Mum was right, and she came back? What about me, and how I felt about James?
Sitting and listening for the sound of his key became unbearable. Suddenly, I remembered the old lady on the ground floor. She lived all aloneJames once told me she never married or had children. I was alone now, too. No one should spend New Years alone. I grabbed two containers, filled one with salad and the other with cake, and went downstairs.
She was slow to answer. When she did, I babbled, explaining Id brought some food. She finally opened the door, blinking at me.
I brought you some salad and cake. I made it myself. Hope you dont mind me popping by?
Come in, she said.
She was tiny and frail, but her flat was cosy, if a bit sparseno tree, no real celebration, just a small, murmuring telly.
Thank you. Sit down, Ill put the kettle on, she replied, shuffling to the kitchen.
Are you living with James? she asked as we sipped tea.
Yes, I answered.
She nodded approvingly.
His wife never spoke to anyone, always wrapped up in herself, never worked. You, youre different. Did they call him into hospital again?
No, hes gone to his daughter.
She nodded again.
Hell come back, dont worry. Hes a good man. Are you on your own?
Always have been. Should have had children… Love passed me by. My childhood friend stole my sweetheart.
What happened?
After I finished school, I left for nursing college. My Eddie stayed in the village. One New Years Eve, I tried to get to him, but my bus broke down. There were no mobiles back then. The driver set off to get help, but as it got dark, I decided to walk. Snow started, then came the windblizzard soon. I trudged on, thinking the bus would catch up. Thats how I rang in the New Yearon the road.
When I finally arrived, I had frostbite. Four days out cold with a fever, and when I woke, my friend said Eddie was with hershe said she was pregnant.
He tried to talk to me, but I was too proud, too stubborn. I left for the city, never saw him again. And in the end, it was all a lieshe never was pregnant. Years later, I heard Eddie had turned to drink and froze to death outside his home. Good man, he was. Her eyes glistened.
Never married. Only loved him. I should have forgiven him, should have talked. Who knows how life would’ve turned out? She wiped her eyes.
Ive seen you both from my window. James was never as happy with her as he is with you. If you love him, forgivedont let jealousy get in the way. Better to leave this place, or she wont give you peace. Dont make my mistakes. Follow your heart.
I went home and packed the food away. James returned the next morning, looking shattered.
Sorry. I dont even know what happened. I think she put something in my tea; I’ve only just woken up and Ive got a blinding headache.
Why havent you divorced her? Do you still love her?
Of course not. If you only knew her I love my daughter. I know you waited for me, you probably imagined all sorts. Nothing happened, trust me, Emma.
I came to him, hugged him.
Lets leaveanywhere. Youll find work, youre a brilliant surgeon
Not now. My heads splitting. Well talk later. I love you.
He slept, and I lay beside him, thinking of the old ladys words.
His daughter is only small, shell soon forget. They havent lived together for half a year. His wife orchestrated the whole thingmaybe shes just waiting for me to give up. But I wont. Ill fight for him. When he wakes, well talk
I switched off the fairy lights and nestled in close.
Love. It never says enough. I love you. I love you. However you say it, it means the same.
Annie Hall
When you love, you can forgive anything except when they stop loving you.In the end, of course, life did what it always doesit moved forward, mess and all. James woke up, bleary and sheepish, blinking at the pale morning sun slicing through the curtains. He mumbled a fresh apology while I made us coffee, the ordinary newness of a January day curling between us with hopeful, golden warmth.
Just after lunch, as we were tidying away the dishes, he pulled me in close. I saw something determined in his eyestired, but steadfast.
Let’s do it. Let’s move, he said quietly. Lets make a fresh start. You and me. Somewhere she cant reach. Somewhere Im not always apologizing.
And before I could answer, my heart answered for me. Yeslets.
We found a little place near the sea, low windows and creaky floors, gulls calling against the wind. James drove down most weekends, patching up his loose ends, until the ties to his old lifemarriage, city, sorrowwere finally, officially snipped. His daughter came to visit, shy at first, then racing with laughter along the shore. There was no magic fix, no erasure of past aches. But the air was easier to breathe.
Sometimes, on nights with the surf rattling the glass, Id remember the old lady and quietly thank her for her story. Once, I brought her a postcard, and she wrote back: Happiness is stubborn. You have to give it time to win. I pinned her note by the kettle, next to faded snapshots of us and the little girl, sticky with jam and sand and smiles.
The world carried on spinningas ever, with dinners half-burnt, plans interrupted, work calls at midnight, and love, imperfect and radiant, holding us fast. Jealousy faded. Forgiveness settled in, making a home among the scars. If sometimes, I still listened for keys in the lock with my old, aching hope, at least now I believed that hope had somewhere to arrive.
And when the next New Years Eve camewind blustering, fairy lights trembling, the clink of glasses and a childs sleepy laughter weaving through our roomsI looked at James and saw, at last, that I was home.
