Ellie, were going to be late!
Dad, Im coming! Ellie hopped on one foot, struggling to get her sock on.
And what socks they weredifferent from each other, of course. One pink, one green. Aunt Kate had given them to her, along with a pair of mismatched trainers. Its all the rage these days, Kate had pronounced.
Ellie believed Kate. Her aunt was an absolute fashionista. Kate always said that if nature hadnt been especially generous in the looks department, you had to turn heads another way.
Ellie didnt agree with Kate about her looks at all. So what if she didnt fit those silly standards of beauty you see everywhere now? Slender as a whippet, with dark hair and striking grey eyesKate was a firecracker, and Ellie always got a kick out of the stares theyd get walking down the road together.
Nobody notices you, eh? Look at themevery neck twisted right round!
Who? Kate would stop and swivel her head, searching.
Ellie would burst out laughing. Honestly, Kate was still just a big kid. She might be older, but Ellie always felt more grown-up when they were together.
Kates innocence never failed to amaze her.
He actually told me he liked me! Ellie, Ive no idea what to do!
Well, do you like him?
I really do! But he makes me nervous!
Why?
Hes just too handsome. Every girl in the office follows him around, and yet he noticed me. Its justmad!
Kate, youre not mad. Youre clever and gorgeous! Why wouldnt he like you?
It was a rhetorical question. Ellie had tried everything to chip away at Kates insecurity, but no matter what, she never got through. It drove Ellie up the wallsometimes even to tearsbut what could she do?
Love, its hard to get rid of the things youve carried for years, her dad, Oliver, would say with a sigh, messing Ellies hair as he tried to comfort his teenage daughter.
Who gave her those things to carry, Dad? Why bother making a bright, beautiful girl doubt herself? Thats not how you raised me.
No, thats not how I raised you. But she had different lessons. Mightve been the teachers.
What about Kate, though? And youre talking about Grandmawhy do you never just say it?
Whats there to say, love? My own mum got a lot wrong raising her. Would it help you to hear that? Youre old enough to know about respect. After all, she raised me aloneno dad back then. Later, my stepdad came along. You know, I always loved and respected Peter. He really stepped up, even when I made life hard for him. And he never let Mum interfere too much in raising me. Said men should raise boys.
That sounds great and all, Dad, but how come he didnt do the same with Kate?
He tried, but he had his own principles. Kates a girl, after all, and he thought Mum should decide. It wasnt easy for her either, you know.
Well, if you ask me, when I look at Kate it just makes me want to cry, Dad! Shes wonderful, seriously! Maybe even a bit too well-behaved. But shes so timid. Almost scared of the worldand people. Why is that?
You know, love, your grandma always worried herself sick over Kate. Held her hand through school. Dont really know whyjust got it into her head something bad might happen. Kate was a difficult pregnancy, nearly lost her. I rememberMum was in hospital most of the time. Thats when Peter and I became close, actually. The two of us at home, quietly hoping for the best, while Mum was in hospital. Hed cook soup, juice pomegranates, dash out at dawn for fresh liver. I realised then just how much he cared for her. He never said muchman of few words, Peter, but strong as iron.
I dont really remember him, Dad… Except he made me that rocking horse.
Thats right, he did. Was working on it while we waited for you. Hands all knackered, and still he worked, just in case you arrived early.
Where is it?
Up in the loft somewhere. Ill get it down for the grandkids one day.
Dad!
Well, a granddad has to be prepared, doesnt he?
Not for a while!
Phew! Ill postpone the heart attack!
Dad!
Oliver carried on joking around, but deep down you could see the relief. There were always more questions than answers in their family, but Oliver was never quite ready to tackle them all head-on.
It was never simple in their house. When Kate was small, she used to call their home the paper house.
And whys it a paper house, Katy?
Back then, Oliver was a wiry, acne-ridden sixth former, forever busy but always had time for his little sister. She amused him endlessly.
Its like this tulip you made me. Kate spun a paper flower in her hand. Pretty, isnt it? But watch this
She placed it on her palmand smacked it flat with her other hand.
Whatd you do that for?! Oliver flinched at the noise, staring at her, baffled.
See? Hollow inside. Will you make another?
But youll do the same?
No. Ill show you something else.
Now youve got me worried! Oliver set about folding another one.
Just watch.
With great concentration, Kate squeezed a lump of colourful playdough into the hollow of the tulip, blocking up the empty space.
There! Now you cant crush it. Its paper, but its sturdy now. Our house isnt like thatits missing whats inside.
Oliver stared at his little sisters handiwork, stunned by how deeply she understood their family.
Hed learnt to make those flowers from Alina, his classmate. Shed look all serious, but her fingers could never keep still in lessons.
My hands get itchy if I dont do something while Im thinking.
Sheets of paper would twist and spring into lifecranes, frogs, or occasionally a whole bouquet of tulips. The teachers didnt mindeven though, as an A-grade student, shed answer anything you asked. As long as she studied, nobody cared about wasted paper.
Oliver would take Alinas creations home for Kate. She was always delighted.
Howd she do this?
Want me to ask her to show you in the park?
Yes, please!
So Oliver would beg their mum to let him take Kate out. Bringing Alina home never occurred to him; he knew Mum wouldnt like it.
Lorraine, Oliver and Kates mum, was strictsometimes way too much so. Oliver loved her, at least for a while, and often excused it by thinking she was just worried.
Oliver! You need to think about your future. On your ownnobody owes you a thing. Ive done my bitraised you, given you what I could. Now its down to you. Ive got Kate to think about. And dont count on Peter; hes your stepdad, not your father. Hope you get that.
Oliver never argued. It wouldnt help. Deep down he knewif anything happened, Peter would step up. He hadnt called him stepdad in yearseven in front of others. Just Dad. Thats what he was to him.
He also knew that Peter would never have allowed the things Lorraine would say when he was out. Family meant everything to Peter.
Still, Oliver learnt early that everyones version of okay is different. Where Dad wanted to spoil the kids a bit, Mum thought there needed to be rulesand, above all, fear.
Lorraine worried herself silly. Just in case, shed saytheres always a reason for another hour awake. When Kate arrived, it became her constant refrain.
What if someone upsets Katy!
It covered everythingfriends (or lack of, because Lorraine thought none were good enough), teachers and coaches (strictly businessno hugging, whats that about?) Other people? Why bother, when youve got family?
Oliver didnt know exactly why Lorraine was so fixated on danger until later. All he did was quietly watch her pace and fret, changing jobs to get the right hours, learning to drive so she could ferry Kate everywhere. By the time Kate was old enough, Oliver was already busy with his own life.
And his life was busya whirlwind of Alina, his future wife, and then their little girl, Ellie. Lorraine was in shock when Ellie arrived as Oliver was still at uni.
Oliver! What are you thinking? Its too soon, and your degree Lorraine would clutch her arms as she trembled in her kitchen window, every inch the image of nerves.
Mum, Im not a child. I know my choices and Ill face them. Alinas having my child. Our child, do you see?
You couldve been careful! There are still options
Stop, Mum. Dont say something I cant forgive. Lets just leave ityoure just in shock. Think about what I said.
With that, Oliver would leave, check in on Kate, then see Peter in his room.
Peter had been unwell for monthssomething awful and inescapable. Never one for fuss, hed let Oliver know how hard it was, but not Lorraine or Kate.
One evening, he squeezed Olivers hand too tightly and pressed his flat keys into Olivers palm.
Well get the paperwork sorted this week. The house in the countryside is for your mum and Katethat place is going up in value. You and your family take the flat, live in it. You need a real home for your child. Do you understand?
I do, Dad. Thank you.
Peter never got to meet Ellie. She was born a week after he was gone.
Oliver automatically stepped up, and Kate finally relaxed a little. She always knew Oliver kept that little paper tulip on the shelf above his desk.
Why? Kate would run her finger over the paper, finding the hardness of the old playdough inside.
So I dont turn empty, Kate. It reminds me what I owe youand Mum.
To do what?
To fill our lives with more than emptiness. For all of us.
Its not that easy, Olly. She wont really hear you anyway.
But I can try.
And Kate would sigh and change the subject. The last thing she wanted was Oliver fighting with their mum.
Things got even trickier with Lorraine after Peter died. She seemed to shut off some part of herself. Kate couldnt work her out; Oliver, on the other hand, recognised it all too wellher tears and tempers when his own father left, smashing her favourite crystal vase and then picking up the pieces, shouting and crying alternately at Oliver cornered as a little boy.
Hed got used to it, in a way. He became armouredhis word, not hers.
Tough as old boots, that one! Im crying, and he wont even shed a tear. Dont you care about your mum?! Lorraine would then finally be mollified if she saw his lips trembling.
Oliver did his best to shield Kate from the same, but that meant not living under Lorraines roofAlina was too fragile, too much like the delicate toys she used to fold from paper.
Son, you see? Lucky that Ellies healthy! Poor Alineso weak, such a young woman with a heart problem! This isnt right, you know? And youre always torn between work and home So much depends on choosing the right path, eh?
Oliver would grit his teeth. Mum, stop! Ill get cross!
Oh, I dont mean anything! Its just metoo blunt.
Yeah, much too blunt Then hed grab Ellie from Grandmas, forget to ask Kate how she was, and just go home.
But Kate never complained. She was very much her fathers daughterquiet, serious, only open with the closest few.
With Lorraine, the relationship was fragile, a constant balancing act over thin ice. One wrong step and the icy depths of loneliness would claim another soul.
Alina died five years after Ellie was born. One morning, she simply didnt wake up. Oliver, pottering about to prepare breakfast quietly so as not to disturb her, stopped short with the kettle in hand. He spilled boiling water; the cat streaked out; he slipped on the tiles. Nothing mattered anymorehe knew, from the doorway, before entering, that she was gone. The world stopped. All he could think was: Ellie.
He walked, stiff-legged, to the nursery. The soft toy cat Ellie always cuddled was there on her pillow. Shed slept at Grandmas, toyless because hed dropped her there straight from nursery the night before.
Clutching the plush ear, Oliver broke down and howled, desperate to burn off the pain inside.
He remembered little of the two months that followed. He did what he could, cooked food, picked Ellie up. She, feeling something was terribly wrong, clung to him quietly and rarely brought up Mum.
One day, he saw her slip into the closed-off bedroom, sit by the bed with her cat, and talk softly to the big photo on the nightstand. Thats when Oliver understoodshe knew everything.
He didnt disturb her. When she came out, he gathered her up, buried his face in her messy plaits, and asked softly, Who told you?
Grandma. She said you needed looking after. And that talking about Mum might hurt you.
He squeezed her too tightlyshe squeaked. Sorry, love! Im sorry for everything. You can always talk to me about Mum. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise, okay?
When she sobbed her heart out, he knew how long shed been holding in her pain. He silently scolded himself for leaving her alone with it, and cursed that he couldnt get through to Lorraine.
The anger only grew when, one night, Kate turned up at the door, soaking from the endless autumn rain. She stepped inside, and without a word, clung to him as fiercely as hed clung to Ellie only hours earlier.
Kate! What on earth?
It hurts She swayed. He caught her and realised at once that something awful had happened.
An ambulance came half an hour later. She spent that night sleeping, exhausted, on Ellies mattress, unable to say a word.
Oliver saw the bruises in the morning.
Whats this?
Despite big, borrowed T-shirts, Kate tried to hide the dark marks.
Kate?
I dont want to talk about it.
I get it. But you have to, Kate. Or I cant help. Tell me.
Her grey eyes welled upshe shook her head, refusing.
It was Mum, wasnt it? Oliver forced out, dreading the yes, knowing it was true.
She nodded, then gripped his hands tight.
Dont send me back. Not yet. Please, Ol
He comforted her, mind racing. If he started a row, thered never be peace again, but this was a line Lorraine had finally crossedpossessive to the point of violence.
Tell me. Well work it out. I wont let you cry again! You trust me, yeah?
If Kate had hesitatedeven for a secondOliver thought hed have failed her. But she nodded and, sitting up very straight, looked so much like her father that Oliver shivered. He owed her this.
Mum found out about Max and me. You remember him?
The shaggy one? Oliver slid a mug of tea and a sandwich her way. Eat.
Cant. Later. And no, hes not shaggyyou are! But yeah, him. We only saw a film, had a walknothing serious. Daytime!
Okay, okay, calm down. I believe you. So what happened?
She screamed at me! Shook me like mad, called me names I cant even repeat what she said! Why does she hate me? Did I do something wrong? Ive always obeyed her! I know Im too young for anything serious, and she shouted that Id end up a single mum like you Sorry! I shouldnt say that, but Ol! Maybe shes right, maybe I am hopeless, cant keep my mouth shut
Kate sobbed so hard it broke Olivers heart. Instinctively, he sat her on his lap, hugged her tight, just as he did with Ellie.
Flood warnings in! No ones hurting Kate again, got it?
Grey eyes blinked up at him. No one, not even Mum, he said again, firmly. I promised Dad Id look after you. Can I break my word?
Kate shook her head and sniffled.
Exactly. Now, Elliell be up soon. Feed her something. Im going to see Mum.
No, dont! Kate started to panic.
I have to. Eat your sandwich and tidy your facedont scare the child.
The chat with Lorraine was rough. She shouted, demanded he bring Kate back, then cried and begged him to give her back her life. Oliver waited.
Mum, Kates staying here. For now. She needs peaceand so do you.
But Oliver, her lessons, revision, mocks, terms ending
Oh, for heavens sake, Mum! She went missing and you didnt even notice! What if she hadnt come to me?
I thought she was at home!
Youre too busy controlling us to see us as people! Have you ever thought were not dolls, but actual human beings?
Oh, Oliver, dont talk rubbish
Nolisten! When did you last talk to me like your son? Ever ask how Ive coped since Alina died? Yes, you help with Ellie and Im grateful, but with Kate its the sameyou treat her like staff. Youre a marvellous boss, everyone says so, but as a mum sorry, but its up to me to judge, and you could do better. Even now, all you care about is grades and trophies! Mum, Ill pay for her educationshell be a vet if she wants to. Did you know thats her dream? Not a doctora vet. Thats what she wants, all on her own, and thats what shell domy promise.
You cant decide that! Im her mother!
And that gives you the right to break her spirit? Olivers tone changedhe saw not a fierce lioness but a lost, fragile human, years of certainty ebbing away.
He put his hands on her shoulders, looked her in the eye.
Mum, do you really want to be alone? You keep on, youll lose us forever. I wont let Kate go. What happens to you then?
He kissed her forehead, left, and slumped on the stairs of the old block, counting steps. Up and down those stairs a thousand timesfunny hed never counted them before.
The phones ring pulled him from his thoughts. He stood, counted every step, and headed home. He knew what needed to be done now.
And it worked. Lorraine couldnt hold out for long. Two days later she turned up, wanting to patch things up with Kate. It took time.
Kate couldnt forgive straight away. For five years their relationship was like a see-sawtilting this way and that.
Lorraine tried her best. She realised her children were adults now. They wouldnt wait for her to come round. Now, in her quietest moments, shed think: Theyve got each otherwhat about me?
Kate got her degree, landed a good job at a vets. Ellie would laugh watching Dads reaction when Aunt Kate dropped in with some patient.
Kate! Thats a python!
So? Look how gentle it is, Ollie! Lovely and warm. Come on, stroke him!
Its just till his owner gets back. Poor George gets lonely.
George? Hes even got a name?
Of course!
Ellie would giggle, threatening to follow her aunt into animal care.
Thats all we need! Oliver would groan with mock despair.
Life rolled onwork, home, awkward meetings with Lorraine. Kate drifted, living almost by inertia. Ellie tried to nudge her to date friends uncles, but nothing came of it.
Thensurprise!
I want you to meet my boyfriend. Kate, bashful, eyes cast down. No laughing at me!
Kate, if anything, I could cry with happiness! Ellie would hug her aunt tight.
The right trainer (the one the dog had chewed yesterday) turned up from under Dads bed, a bit battered but still wearable. Pulling it on, Ellie dashed into the hallway.
Ready!
Honestly? Miracles never cease, Oliver grinned, shrugging. No need to rush nowKate wont forgive us, but were fine!
Dad, dont exaggerate! Weve still got half an hour!
They spotted the couple on the park path a mile off.
Dad, is that him? The shaggy one?
Ellies whisper was not that quiet. Kate shot her a grin and a warning finger.
Max.
Oliver. Handshake. Nod. Smile.
Ellie.
Shaggy! Max burst out laughing, looking at his blushing girlfriend. Kate, dont scowl! Smile for melike that! I want you to always smile. Blimey, those are some trainers! I want a pair like that!
Ellie laughed with Oliver, and in that moment, saw what had changed in her aunts eyes. Softness instead of steel. Beautiful. Ellie clapped in delight, taking Max by surprise.
Were all a bit nuts in this lot. Youll get used to it.
Thats a reliefIll fit right in with your what should I say, your little club?
Family, Max. Our family, Ellie would wink at her aunt and link arms with Dad.
