We were together, Val. On that last business trip to Manchester. It all happened foolishly.
Wed had drinks after the conference, and I just I couldnt stop myself, Val
And youre just telling me this so calmly? Valentinas voice turned hoarse with horror. Tom, youve just admitted to cheating on me?!
I cant keep it in anymore, my husband lowered his head. Val, please forgive me, alright? I swear, itll never happen again! I realise now everything
I set my wine glass gently on the table. My whole world had just collapsed
***
That morning had started just like any other I was stood at the hob, stirring porridge for our youngest while trying to plait seven-year-old Sophies hair.
Mum, that hurts! Sophie squeaked, jerking her head away.
Sorry, love, Im in a rush. Where on earth is your dad?! Hell be late in a minute!
Tom came out of the bathroom, buttoning his shirt. By the look on his face, it was clear to me he wasnt in the best mood.
Is there any coffee? he asked without even glancing my way.
In the pot. Pour it yourself, my hands are full.
He poured himself some, drinking it by the window, staring out at the dreary estate car park, where the caretaker half-heartedly swept up leaves.
No peck on the cheek, no did you sleep well for the last couple of years wed barely acknowledged each other.
I worked as an accountant for a large retail firm, had been married for ten years. We had a three-bed flat (albeit with a mortgage), and a shiny new SUV. The children were healthy we seemed to have everything, but
It wasnt enough. I missed the old Tom the one whod pop out in the middle of the night to get me ice cream, or hug me so tightly Id nearly lose my breath.
Around two in the afternoon, my phone buzzed on the desk.
How about dinner out tonight? Weve not been in ages. Ive asked my sister, Helens happy to have the kids overnight.
I reread the message three times. My heart skipped like a teenagers.
Well, thats a surprise I murmured. Maybe hes finally noticed?
The rest of the day was a blur. I even left work an hour early, dashed home, frantically rummaged for a dress.
Settled on the navy silk one that flattered my figure. Extra mascara, a dab of perfume behind my ears.
Looking in the mirror, I saw a woman who still wanted to be attractive to her husband.
The restaurant was charming candles, a singer in the corner. Tom was already seated when I arrived, in a suit, freshly shaved.
He stood up when he saw me, and something flashed in his eyes admiration, maybe? Or was it pity? I couldnt tell.
You look wonderful, Val he said, pulling out my chair.
Thank you. I was rather surprised by your invitation. Is there an occasion?
Not really I just realised we hardly talk anymore. We live like housemates, honestly.
Yes, Ive noticed I sighed, sipping my wine. Work, kids, the endless grind
Exactly Tom fiddled with his knife. Feels like Im running on a hamster wheel and I dont even know why.
We talked for ages. Remembered our wedding, renting that tiny flat with the leaky tap, and being absolutely blissful.
Laughed about his first time changing Sophies nappy, when he nearly fainted.
It was a lovely evening. I felt the ice begin to thaw between us.
We really should do this more often, I thought. Itll be fine. Were just exhausted, thats all
Shall we head home? Tom suggested when the bill arrived. Ill grab some wine on the way. Lets have a quiet night in, just us.
The house felt eerily quiet with the children at Helens; toys tidied away, the flat suddenly felt huge and empty.
We sat in the kitchen. Tom poured the wine. The mood was warm, inviting until suddenly
Val, we really need to change something he began.
I agree, Tom. Lets go away, just the two of us? Maybe Cornwall, or a spa break. We need to catch our breath.
We do. But its not just about needing a holiday. Lately I havent felt myself. We dont talk anymore.
Youre always with the kids, Im always working. I come home and youre either in bed or cross.
Theres no closeness not even physical, but just that spark, the connection.
I tensed.
Where are you going with this? I asked quietly.
I slipped up.
Thats when he said it. About Manchester, about his colleague, about cheating.
She just listened, Val Tom started talking quickly, jumbled, as if scared Id stop him. We were always going on business trips together.
She always asked how I was not just to be polite, she really cared.
Im not making excuses, I know Im a bastard. I tried to fight it off, I really did.
But that night Drinks with the team, then just the two of us at the hotel bar
I fell silent. It was as if a grenade had exploded in my chest, fragments slowly cutting me up inside.
Im sorry, if you can forgive me he went on. Im so ashamed. These past two weeks, Ive been in pieces.
I couldnt keep lying, looking you in the eye. I cant lose you and the kids. Youre my everything. Ill do anything.
Anything I repeated, faintly, like an echo.
Ive already spoken to the boss. Asked to be transferred to another department, so Ill never see her. Steve promised to sort it within a month.
Ive put in for annual leave. Lets go away together? Ill book something tomorrow. Just the two of us. A fresh start.
He offered his hand to cover mine, but I pulled away.
A fresh start? I gave a bitter laugh. Tom, are you serious? Do you realise what youve done?
You didnt just cheat you completely destroyed me!
I was sat at work, smiling at your text, choosing a dress to impress you I thought you loved me, that we stood a chance
I do love you! he almost shouted. Thats exactly why Im telling you. I cant lie anymore, Val.
If you loved me, you wouldnt have slept with her. Such a thoughtful colleague you have. But Im the grumpy one, is that it?
Thats not what I meant Tom tried to explain.
He got up, reaching out to hold me.
Val, please
Dont touch me! I shoved him away. Im disgusted.
I ran to the bedroom, slammed the door, and collapsed onto the bed.
Tears streamed down my face. Tom lingered outside the door for ages, whispered apologies, but eventually fell silent I heard him settle on the sofa in the lounge.
***
In the morning, I went to the kitchen, eyes swollen. He was sat on the sofa, still in his clothes from the night before. Untouched coffee on the table.
The only reason I didnt leave with the kids last night is because there was nowhere to take them I said coldly.
Val
Dont. Dont talk about your feelings; I dont care what you feel.
I understand.
You mentioned a trip. Where were you thinking?
Somewhere quiet, where we can just walk and talk
Fine, I turned to the window. Well go. But dont think this means things will go back to how they were. Im going to see if I can even look at you without loathing.
Tom nodded, willing to agree to anything.
Ill book it all today.
And one more thing, I turned around that transfer. I want a copy signed by HR. And your phone from today, theres no password.
Of course. Whatever you say.
He handed me his mobile, but I recoiled in disgust.
Later. Just go have a shower. I need to collect my thoughts before we pick up the kids from Helen. I dont want them seeing us like this.
When the bathroom door shut, I sank into a chair. The urge to leave to walk out on the person I loved more than anything only yesterday was overwhelming, but I couldnt. Not with the children
***
The days until we left dragged, and we only spoke when strictly necessary.
Did you buy the tickets?
Yes, for Saturday.
Pick up Sophie after school.
Right.
The kids sensed something was wrong. Sophie went quiet whenever we were both in the room, and our son grew even fussier.
Mum, whys Dad sleeping in the lounge? Sophie asked one night as I tucked her in.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, straightening her blankets.
Daddy hes got a bad back from the office chair, so its comfier on the sofa, darling.
Have you two argued?
Were just tired, sweetheart. Things will be fine. Were heading to the seaside soon, remember?
Sophie nodded, but her eyes were still anxious. Kids cant be fooled they sense everything.
***
On Friday, the day before we left, Tom came home early with papers.
Here he handed them to me Transfer order. After leave, Ill be starting in analytics.
No more business trips, none at all. And that woman… shes staying in procurement. Well be in different buildings.
I glanced briefly at the company seal.
Good.
Val he hesitated at the kitchen door I really I think about how low Ive sunk every hour.
Tom, enough! You made your choice in Manchester, now I make mine I have to decide if staying with you is even possible!
I didnt tell him that, last night while he slept on the sofa, I checked his phone.
It made me feel sick, my hands trembled, but what else could I do? He hadnt deleted his messages, the last ones were from him:
Its over. It was a huge mistake. Dont call or text me again.
And her reply: Whatever you say. Take care.
Did I feel better? Not really. But deep down, something shifted. At least he was honest genuinely trying to cut things off.
***
Saturday morning greeted us with drizzle. We loaded the bags into the car in silence.
Tom was insistently considerate: offered me a hand, checked the windows were shut, bought my favourite coffee at the service station. Some part of me hated him more for it.
At the airport, in Departures, he sat beside me, as the kids watched the planes taking off through the huge window.
You know he said quietly, gazing out I was remembering our first holiday, camping at the seaside. Remember that storm that nearly blew our tent away?
I couldnt help smiling.
I remember. You held onto the tent pegs all night, while I slept under the mac.
I thought then that there was no one in the world better than you. I still think that, Val. Ive just lost myself, messed everything up
We both got lost, Tom for the first time in a week, I met his gaze.
He took my hand. This time, I didnt pull away but I didnt squeeze back, either. I was just lost, myself.
Chances were Id forgive him. If only because I didnt want our children scarred by divorce.
But before I could forgive him, I needed to teach him a real lesson. So that next time, even the idea of looking at another woman would seem impossible.
Thats what this trip would really be about giving him a proper dose of English re-education.
