We were together, Val. On that last business trip to Manchester. It all turned out so foolish.
We had drinks after the conference, and I just I couldnt stop, Val
Youre saying this so calmly? Valeries voice was hoarse with shock. David, are you standing here telling me youve cheated on me?!
I cant keep it inside any longer, her husbands head hung in shame. Val, forgive me, will you? I swear, Ill never do anything like this again. I truly understand now
Valerie gently placed her wine glass on the table. Her world had just collapsed
***
The morning had started so ordinarily Valerie stood at the hob, stirring porridge for their youngest and, at the same time, attempting to plait seven-year-old Sophies hair.
Mum, it hurts! Sophie squealed, giving a rebellious jerk of her head.
Sorry, sweetheart, Im in a hurry. Wheres your dad? Hell be late!
Her husband emerged from the bathroom, buttoning his shirt. From his expression, Valerie could tell at a glance he was in no mood.
Is there any coffee? he asked, barely glancing her way.
In the pot. Pour it yourself, my hands are full.
He poured it out. Drank it standing, eyes fixed on the gloomy back garden, where the caretaker was lazily raking up leaves.
No peck on the cheek, not even a Did you sleep well? for the past couple of years, it was as if theyd stopped existing for each other.
Valerie worked as an accountant for a large retail firm; shed been a wife for ten years already.
Their home was a three-bed flat although bought on a mortgage; the car outside, a shiny new Range Rover. The children were healthy. Really, what more could you ask for?
Yet, she felt she could hardly breathe; she missed the man shed married the one whod run to the corner shop for ice cream at midnight or squeezed her so tightly her ribs popped.
At around two, her phone vibrated on the desk.
Lets go out to dinner tonight, its been ages. Ive arranged for my sister to take the kids, Evelyn will keep them overnight.
Valerie read the message three times. Her heart skipped like a schoolgirls.
Oh! she whispered. Did he really notice?
The rest of the day passed in a daze. She left work early, rushed home and rummaged through her wardrobe with trembling hands.
In the end, she chose a midnight-blue silk dress that flattered her figure. A touch more mascara than usual, a hint of perfume behind her ears.
Looking in the mirror, she saw a woman who still wanted her husbands heart.
The restaurant was warmly lit with candles, soft live music drifting through the air. She arrived to find David already seated in a suit and freshly shaved.
He stood as she approached, and there was something in his eyes admiration, perhaps, or was it pity? She couldnt tell at the time.
You look wonderful, Val, he said, pulling out a chair for her.
Thank you. I must admit, your invitation came as a surprise. Are we celebrating something?
No reason, really. I just realised we barely talk anymore. Were like strangers under one roof, honestly.
True enough, she sighed, taking a sip of her wine. Work, children, endless chores
I feel it too, David twirled his knife between his fingers. Like Im running in a hamster wheel, not even sure why.
They talked for hours. Remembering their wedding, their first tiny flat with the leaky tap those days when they felt completely happy.
They laughed over Davids slapstick first attempt at changing Sophies nappy, when he nearly fainted.
It was a marvellous evening. Valerie felt the ice beginning to crack between them.
We just need more evenings like this, she thought. Were just exhausted. Everything will be alright.
Shall we head home? David suggested as the bill arrived. Ill pick up some wine on the way. An evening together, just the two of us.
The flat felt oddly silent without the children. Without scattered toys and shrieks, it was cavernous, hollow.
They sat in the kitchen. David poured the wine. The mood was gentle, warm and then suddenly
Val, we really do need to change something, he began.
I know, Dave. Why dont we get away? Maybe Spain, or the Lake District just for a break.
Sounds good, but its not just about a holiday. Ive not been myself lately. Weve stopped listening to one another.
Youre always with the children, Im always at work. I get home and youre either asleep, or angry.
Theres no closeness, Val. Not even the physical, but you know, real closeness how we were before.
Valerie tensed.
What are you trying to say? she asked quietly.
I slipped up.
And then he told her. About Manchester, about the colleague, and about his betrayal.
She just listened, Val, David spoke quickly, stumbling as if scared shed interrupt. We often travelled together for work.
She always asked about me and actually cared, properly cared.
Im not trying to make excuses, I know Ive been a coward. I fought the feelings, honestly.
But that night there was drinking, and we ended up alone in the hotel bar
Valerie was silent. It felt as if a grenade had gone off in her chest and the shrapnel was shredding her from the inside.
Im sorry, if you can forgive me, he continued, almost pleading. Ive been racked with guilt for the past fortnight.
I cant look you in the eye, Val. I cant bear the thought of losing you and the kids. Youre everything to me. Ill do anything.
Anything she echoed, hollow.
Yes. Ive already spoken with my boss. Asked to be moved to a different department, so I wont even see her. Martin promised to sort it within the month.
Ive put in for leave. Lets go away Ill book something tomorrow, just you and me. Well start over, Val, with a clean slate.
He reached out to cover her hand with his, but she snatched it away.
A clean slate? her laugh was bitter. Dave, do you realise what youve done?
You didnt just cheat you destroyed me.
There I was at work, over the moon at your text, picking out a dress I genuinely believed you loved me, that you wanted us back
I DO love you! he blurted, near tears. Thats why I had to tell you. I couldnt lie to you anymore, Val.
If you loved me, you wouldnt have ended up in her bed! What a caring colleague youve got And Im just the moody wife, I suppose.
Thats not what I meant
He stood, made to embrace her.
Val, please
Dont touch me! she shoved him away. Dont you dare.
She fled the kitchen for the bedroom, locking the door behind her before collapsing face down on the bed.
Tears streamed hot and heavy. David scratched helplessly at the door, whispering apologies but eventually quietened. Valerie heard him settling down on the living room sofa.
***
In the morning, she appeared in the kitchen with a swollen, red face. Her husband still sat on the sofa, unchanged from the night before. Cold, untouched coffee waited on the table.
I didnt leave last night because there was nowhere to take the kids, her voice was stiff.
Val
Dont. I dont want to hear what you feel. Right now I couldnt care less about your feelings.
I understand.
You said something about a holiday. Where exactly were you planning to go?
I thought somewhere quiet. Where we could walk and talk, just us
Fine. She turned to the window. Well go. But dont imagine its a new start. Im not going to begin again. Im coming to find out whether I can even look at you without loathing.
David nodded, accepting any terms she set.
Ill sort the booking today.
And another thing, Valerie whirled around. Show me the transfer request. I want to see proof its been processed. And your phone from now on, there are to be no passwords.
Of course. However you want.
He held out his phone; she recoiled.
Not now. Take a shower. I need to gather my thoughts before picking up the kids from Evelyns. I dont want them seeing us like this.
When hed closed the bathroom door, Valerie sank onto a chair. Walking out and leaving the man shed loved more than life itself only yesterday God, how she ached to do it but she couldnt. Not while the children needed her
***
The days until the trip dragged. The couple spoke only when strictly necessary.
Did you buy the tickets?
Yes, for Saturday.
Pick Sophie up from school.
Will do.
The children sensed the change. Sophie drew quiet in her parents presence; her brother became uncharacteristically petulant.
Mum, why does Dad sleep in the lounge? Sophie asked one night as Valerie tucked her in.
Val swallowed hard, straightening the duvet.
Dad hes been working overtime, darling. His back hurts from the office chair, so its more comfortable on the sofa.
Have you two been fighting?
Were just tired, princess. Itll be alright. Were going to the seaside soon, remember?
Sophie nodded, suspicion in her eyes. Kids always sense far more than adults want to admit.
***
On Friday, the day before they were to leave, David came home early with documents in hand.
Here, he placed the form on the table. The official transfer. Once Im back from leave, Ill be working in analysis.
No more business trips. At all. And that woman shes staying in procurement, well be in different buildings.
Valerie glanced at the stamp, nodded.
Good.
Val he hesitated in the kitchen doorway. I I think about what I did all the time. I feel utterly wretched.
Enough, David! You made your choice back in Manchester. Now its my turn I get to choose whether I stay or go.
She didnt say that last night, after hed fallen asleep on the sofa, shed gone through his phone.
It made her sick, her hands shook, but she couldnt help herself. He hadnt deleted the messages; the most recent were from him:
Its over. I made a huge mistake. Please dont contact me again.
And her reply: As you wish. Good luck.
Did it make Valerie feel better? Not really. But somewhere deep down, she recognised he was at least trying to end it.
***
Saturday dawned to a fine drizzle. They loaded cases into the car in silence.
David was overly helpful offering a hand, double checking the windows, buying Valerie her favourite latte at the petrol station. It only made things worse.
At the airport, as the children pressed to the window watching jets taxi and take off, David sat beside her.
You know, he murmured, eyes still on the runway, I was thinking about our first holiday, camping by the sea. Remember how the tent blew away?
Valerie couldnt help but smile.
I remember. You held onto the tent pegs all night, and I slept covered in a mackintosh.
I thought you were the best person in the world then. Still do, Val I just I got lost, thats all.
We both got lost, Dave, for the first time in a week she met his eyes.
He took her hand. This time she didnt pull away, but she didnt close her fingers over his. She didnt know herself anymore.
Chances were, shed eventually forgive him. If only for the children; shed do anything not to put them through a divorce.
But before she forgave, shed make sure he never forgot. That hed never even look at another woman that way again.
Shed start his re-education on holidayThey landed to the crash of gulls and the sting of salt air. The sea battered at the pebbled shore beneath a sky bruised purple with clouds. The children dashed ahead, shrieking with delight, racing the wind to where the waves curled white.
Valerie stood still for a moment, suitcase in hand. David watched her, uncertain. At last, she turned to look at hima searching, unreadable gaze he remembered from years ago, when shed first said yes.
They walked togetherawkwardly, quietlydown the beach after the children, shoulders not quite touching, each step heavy with old hope and new pain. The cold bit at their faces, but the air felt honestimpossible to breathe lies here.
At the waters edge, Sophie was collecting shells. Valerie crouched beside her. Tiny hands pressed treasures into her palmshards polished smooth, a spiral of pink and cream.
This ones for you, Mummy, Sophie said solemnly, so you remember its beautiful here.
Valeries lips trembled as she tucked the shell into her coat pocket. She glanced up at David, whose hand hovered uncertain and empty by his side.
Sophie skipped away. The wind tussled Davids hair, and Valerie felt the weight of everything unsaid rising between them.
Can we, Val? he whispered. Not forget, but can we move forward?
She wanted to scream, to break somethingshe wanted to kiss him and never let go. All she could do was stare at the endless slate-grey waves, the rhythm of their coming and going, their return.
Well walk, she said at last, her voice quiet but sure. Step by step. No promises tonight.
Slowly, she slid her hand into his. Not tight. Not sure. But together, they faced the seabroken, battered, but not gone.
The tide kept rolling in, smoothing every sharp edge, washing away a little of the day beforeleaving, perhaps, enough space for something new.
And so they walked, two figures on a windswept shore, neither fully mended, but no longer completely undonehoping, as the gulls cried overhead and the childrens laughter carried across the salt air, that some things, battered by storms, could still be beautiful after all.
