Exam
Ive had it, Mum! Seriously, just give it a rest! If you dont stop getting on at me, I wont bother showing up for the exam at all! I just wont go! Whatll you do then, eh? Emily hurled her backpack into the corner of the hallway, yanked off her woolly hat, and tossed it aside.
Her mum didnt answer she just shook her head, walked into the kitchen, and left Emily to stew.
Emily shrugged off her coat, tempted to fling it after the backpack, but changed her mind, opened the wardrobe and hung it up neatly, breathing out a long sigh.
Oh, for goodness sakeanother argument! And, as usual, over nothing.
Why does Mum always have to be so nosey, always full of questions and a barrage of advice? Shes not a kid. She has a perfectly good memory, thank you, and she knows shes got a session with the new English tutor tonight. Mum doesnt need to remind her every half-hour!
Alright, maybe Emily was exaggerating. Mum hadnt been on at her like a broken record, just asked if she remembered shes seeing her third new literature tutor this year. But even that irked Emily; this feeling that her mum was always trying to keep track of her. These flare-ups had become a habit, almost like a reflex, whether they were justified or not.
Emily washed her hands, then stared at herself in the bathroom mirror.
What a sight, seriously! Spots, her dads stumpy nose, and the wild ginger curls she inherited from her mum. How many times had Emily begged for her mum to let her dye it? No way, always the same old song: Beautys just a matter of time, youll thank me one day.
Yeah, right. Thatll be the day. Everyone else looks normal and shes left looking like a scarecrow with plaits, of all things! Who even wears plaits anymore?
Emily couldnt help but grin at the memory of the time shed chopped off her dreaded plaits with a pair of blunt, rusty childrens scissors shed found in her old craft kit. Shed practically hacked through the oil-slick curls, gritting her teeth and bracing herself for her mums horrified Emily, what have you done?!
Well, shed just got fed up, thats what. Everyone always bossing her around. It was her life, and shed do what she wanted.
Theyre all obsessed with rules, those youve got to listen to your elders speeches. But why? Whats the point of all that outdated rubbish? Things are different now! They dont get it when they were her age, there wasnt even the internet. How did they survive? Honestly, shed never know. You just tap a screen and in two seconds, anything you want its right there! The lot of them go on like thats not the case, that no amount of scrolling or googling will help you learn how to be a decent person, but how would they know? Maybe they should look up some workshops: How to deal with moody teenagers. Might do them good.
Picking at a spot, she grimaced. Good job Mum didnt see that, shed have kicked off. She already dragged Emily to the doctor for her skin and always warned about scars and infections, but Emily couldnt care less. People should value her for whats inside, not for her looks! Try explaining that to a parent…
Oh, and another thingshes not her mums property, just because Mum gave birth to her! Shes not a thing to be bossed about however her mum fancies.
Emily winked at her reflection. There! Get that, Mum? Shouldnt have dragged her to all those tutors. And as for pushing her towards law at uni no thanks. She already knows more about the law than her parents ever did. If only theyd been half as clued-up, maybe their divorce wouldve gone better.
Her mum lacked backbone, honestly. Her dad left for a younger woman, ditched his boring wife, and pretty much took the best of everything. Yeah, Emily got her grans flat out of the whole messy business thats only fair, right? So her mum gets a bit of child support, and thats it? What about compensation for years wasted stuck in that marriage? Emily was old enough to see how grim everything had been the last five years she wasnt her dads little duckling anymore! She saw it all.
The silent resentment Mom carried as she set out dinner, her fathers cold, obligatory thank-you for the food, the sofa in the cramped box-room that barely fit his clothes, but Dad still nipped into the bedroom each morning, grabbing his stuff, while her mum set her alarm just to avoid bumping into him sleeping. Theyd both been so relieved when Emily turned fourteen and told them outright to call it quits already.
Grown-ups are weird, arent they? All those we live for you, youre the centre of our world. What rubbish! Everyone just looks out for themselves she could list loads of examples. Even when its supposedly about her, really its all about their interests. Shes just the bargaining chip in their negotiations.
Just look at the flat where she and her mum live now the same building, different entrance, and much smaller place. Used to be three bedrooms, now its just two. Sure, its fixed up, decent furniture, but Mum only got it because Dad felt guilty about leaving Emily behind. The child needs to live somewhere decent! So, he gave in and Mum got what she wanted. Emilys room is bigger than her old one, but that wasnt anyone caring for her it was all about dividing the assets so no one would squabble for years. Emily was just a handy bumper between them.
With another grumble, Emily finally took the eczema cream her doctor prescribed down from the shelf. Not that it proved her mum right, it just worked well, clearing up her skin quicker than anything else. She needed that today, anyway.
Because it was nearly evening Because of the roof…
The roof had only come into Emilys life a couple of months ago ever since Harvey, the boy shed been watching from afar, sent her a text: Fancy a walk?
Shed thought it was a prank at first everyone in the class knew she liked him. People teased her, but never in a nasty way. Emily was well-liked shed always help others, let them copy her homework if needed, and whenever the class was put on the spot, shed stick her hand up, knowing half the others werent ready.
Emily, I asked you last time! Why are you volunteering again?
Oh Mrs Jenkins, but this bits so interesting! Tell me, do you reckon Henry VIII was a tyrant? Would you call his regime totalitarian?
Even the scary history teacher got sidetracked by Emilys questions while the class breathed a sigh of relief, knowing thered be no quiz that day.
So when Emily showed the text to her not-really-a-friend-but-not-an-enemy, Chloe, Chloe just snorted:
And? What are you panicking for?
Is it definitely from him?
Em, just ask him! Stop being so dramatic! What is this, the Victorian era? Girls ask boys out all the time now why not just check?
Emily never replied, not because she disagreed, but because she couldnt explain the storm in her stomach after reading Harveys message just four words, yet enough to make her head spin.
She went, anyway. And life completely changed afterwards.
The roof of the old abandoned council block, famous amongst teens locally, wasnt the safest place in the world, Emily knew that. But every time Harvey grabbed her hand and told her to watch her step, Emilys legs turned to jelly, and shed follow him, counting each stair under her breath.
Fifteen, sixteen… Go on! Thirty-two, thirty-three… Why be scared? Hes there.
It was up there that Harvey hugged her for the first time, silently, in front of everyone, sliding an arm around her shoulders as if to say: Shes my girlfriend. No one challenged him, though Emily saw the nastier looks from the girls in the year above Harvey had known them since primary, but, for some reason, chose her.
It was on that same roof Harvey first kissed her.
That evening, they stayed up there after everyone else went to see a film in the cinema. Emily wanted to see it too, but when Harvey squeezed her hand and whispered theyd go to a movie together, just them, another time, she stayed with him, knowing it would be a special night.
And it was. Sometimes, even now, Emily would freeze in the middle of the day, shut her eyes, and hear his voice:
Em, I really like you… A lot… Im not good with words, but youre the best girl Ive ever met… Can I…?
His warm lips, so gentle, so tender and strange…
Emily squeezed her eyes shut, savouring the memory, but just then her mum tapped softly on the door:
Em, youre going to be late… Lunch is on the table…
A wave of anger crashed over Emily. For Gods sake!
She stormed out of the bathroom, face set like a thundercloud, like that meme of a winged banshee shrieking at someone out of view.
What do you want from me? I know what Im doing! Stop nagging! Youve driven Dad away now youre having a go at me? Well, maybe Ill leave too! Move in with him! Did you ever think of that? If you dont stop
Emily didnt finish her rant. Her mum just let out a strange sigh and, without warning, slapped her.
Fine go then! But when you get back tonight, remember youve a practice exam tomorrow. Get some sleep…
Emily was stunned. Her mum had never laid a finger on her. Not ever. She wasnt even that upset shed been asking for it. It was more the shock that her mum had suddenly stopped putting up with her tantrums. It was eye-opening.
But giving in without a fight? Very much not Emilys style. Backpack, coat, headphones… She wanted to slam the door so hard itd rattle the street, but she stopped herself. No sense giving anyone the satisfaction of thinking she was a complete drama queen.
Emily slipped outside, checked her phone okay, an hour each way to the tutor, an hour with them; shed meet Harvey about six, not before. Fine by her. Theyd hang out on the roof, let her mum cool off. Dad barely picked up the phone first time these days, so her mum could worry for once. Maybe Harvey would have some advice his parents were much more chilled. They left him alone, set up a pre-loaded debit card for spending, bought him designer clothes. His mum was always at work, his dad reckoned sixteen was the perfect age to grow up and do his own thing. He could get a Saturday job if he liked, exam prep was entirely up to him. Your future, your choice, lad.
If only her own mum was so reasonable…
As she neared the tutors house, her dad rang.
Whats going on now? Is it true youre moving in with me?
Oh, Dad, for goodness sake! I dont need your drama. Kats about to have your baby any minute. What am I supposed to do babysit? Ive got my own stuff going on!
Dont wind your mum up. Or Ill cut off your allowance. Understood?
Thats what I like about you, Dad, always straight to the point. Got it.
Thats my girl. And stop giving your mum grief. She doesnt deserve it.
He hung up before she could say anything more. Typical of them both at war with each other, but the second its about her, they stick together like glue. Its all so odd.
The new tutor wasnt Emilys favourite. When she tried to chat about Shakespeare, the woman just sniffed and handed her a book, telling her to read the highlighted chapters for next time. Emily wanted to argue, but after a couple of examples she figured she might learn something after all.
It wasnt like she wanted to be a dope. Harvey was clever and she wanted to keep up. God knows how many videos shed watched about How to be Confident and Smart in Relationships. Independence and brains thats what girls were supposed to have, according to the internet. She didnt have the independence yet, but she could at least try to be clever. Her mum was right about that shed survived a lot, kept her head screwed on, and finally got her degree while waiting for the right moment to get divorced.
Mum had given up university to have Emily; took a break, then realised the baby was more important than finishing a degree. There werent any grandparents left to help, and when Emily was small she was always ill, out of nursery more than she was in. She hated it the lumpy porridge, bratty kids, her mums arms not there to cuddle her.
Dad even said once:
You need to let her go a bit shes gotten used to you always being there. Itll be tough for her otherwise.
In year two, her mum arranged for the lady next door to pick Emily up from after-school club, went back to uni part time, and started working as well.
Good on her, really. Otherwise shed be broke and bitter. She had her own little company now, decorating venues for weddings and parties. Emily loved what her mum did: it was so creative, so… womanly. And at work, she was a boss no longer just a shy, soft homebody. She was in charge, telling people what to do. Emily admired that she wanted to have that kind of strength one day.
Still, maternal control is suffocating. Emily was finally on the same page as her dad there. It grates on you. Of course, Emily got her mum to only come into her room with a knock, and she didnt let her interfere with her business too much, but still, somehow, her mum managed to keep tabs on everything.
Not with threats, like Dad, but with quiet:
Em, how was your day? Whats your plan for today? Hungry?
That kind of loving worry just got under Emilys skin sometimes made her want to scream:
Oh, just leave me alone! Im not a child anymore!
Sometimes she did scream, stamping her foot and getting angry, and her mum just took it as if it were some silly childhood tantrum.
Emily hurried from the tutors to her meeting spot with Harvey, longing to be in his arms and forget about parents, exams, and all the rest for a few hours. Life was just passing by and all they cared about was their own nonsense!
At the school gates, where she and Harvey usually met, he wasnt there. She hung around a little, then decided to go up to the roof herself. He was ignoring her calls, something hed never done before. Emily felt her chest tighten with worry something was wrong.
Climbing the stairs slowly, she realised just how much she hated heights. Before, Harveys steady hand had kept her grounded; now, each step felt heavier than the last.
The roof greeted her with a gust of cold, damp wind and silence.
No one was there.
She turned as if to leave, fumbling for her phone to turn on the torch. But there was a rustle at the far side near the edge, and Emily froze, heart pounding, ready to screamuntil she recognised the figure.
Harvey
He was perched right on the edge, legs dangling over the abyss, shoulders hunched. Emily, though shed not known him that long, suddenly knew he was in a really bad way. Something serious had happened; he looked lost. She realised, with a jolt, just how real this was he could do something irreversible.
Instinct kicked in. Placing her bag on the stairs, Emily crept forward onto the roof, not shouting him, just,
Hey
She sat on the edge beside him, keeping her feet safely on the ground, trying not to look down. Heights terrified her, but she was here for him.
He barely lifted his head.
Youre freezing
Huh? Her voice, at last, made Harvey look up, and his usually bright eyes were now flat, scaring and drawing her in.
It was in that moment, she suddenly recognised what her mum must feel when they clashed that primal fear that you just cant reach the one you love.
Harveys hand lay in hers, cold as ice, limp, lifeless almost.
You alright?
Emily almost didnt recognise her own voice she sounded just like her mum, pleading: Tell me. Please. Whats going on? I want to help.
And it worked.
Not really Harvey admitted quietly, squeezing her fingers. Not great at all, Em.
Somethings happened.
She didnt need to ask she knew.
Yeah.
Are you going to tell me? she asked. I know were not, like, that close… but maybe youll share?
Harvey looked at her so strangely, she shivered.
You really think were not close?
No. You misunderstood. She bit her lip. I think youre very important to me. I just wasnt sure you felt the same.
Em, youre all Ive got in the world.
Her heart skipped a beat, raced so fast she thought hed hear it thumping.
What do you mean, all? What about your parents? she blurted, still giddy from his words but instantly regretted it.
He recoiled, shaking his head so violently Emily flinched.
Careful!
No really, hold me. Or push me off, like they did. The people I thought were my parents. Turns out, theyre not! Mum gave me all my paperwork today and told me how I ended up with them. Em Im adopted! You get it? Adopted! I always knew, deep down, but today its real. Ive lived someone elses life all along. Took someone elses place, Em! Do you understand?! Not my own, somebody elses!
Harvey was shouting, and Emily clung to his hand for dear life, terrified that if she let go for a second, hed be gone forever.
She knew hed been ready to do something dangerous. He put on a show for the world, but shed seen through it beneath the surface, he was just a boy, gentle, and hurting, so badly. She found herself ashamed of all her own anger at life and her parents.
What was she even angry about, really? Emily wasnt sure. All those fights to carve out her adulthood seemed pointless suddenly. She sat with someone whod been made to grow up in a single evening, who had to shoulder more pain than she could imagine, and didnt have any support like she did.
Im scared, Harvey. Emily realised she was crying, and it brought him back from the edge.
Hey, whats wrong? He reached for her and she hugged him desperately.
Dont please. Dont do anything. Even if your family turned against you, Ill never give up on what we have. You hear me? I havent got anyone more precious than you, Harvey!
Im not even Harvey His voice was so dull and flat Emily peered at him through her tears.
What?
My actual name was Oliver. I had a different surname, too.
Doesnt matter! Not to me. Call yourself the Pope if you want. Youre you. And I know you. It doesnt matter what your name is!
Yeah But not everyone will see it that way Em, what do I do? Where do I go from here?
Cant you go home? Have they actually thrown you out?
Mum was crying, begged me to stay. Dad I hit him
What for?
He locked the door, tried to stop me leaving. Yelled that I didnt understand anything
And do you? Understand, I mean all of it?
What else is there to understand, Em? Harveys voice shook with pain. Why tell me now, after all this time?
The wind snatched her question away, but Harvey heard it. He shrank even smaller on the edge of the roof.
I dont know he croaked finally, and Emily let out a shaky sigh.
There was no hopelessness in his voice now just a question. As long as he was searching for the answer, the edge would hold him.
Will you let me come with you?
To theirs?
Yes well go together. Ask them why they had to tell you now. Then if you want, well come back here. And you can do what you like. I wont try to stop you.
Harvey stared at her in surprise. She held his hand tight, gently pulling him away from the edge.
Come on.
And Harvey pulled his legs back over the roof, took a careful step Emily caught him in a hug and led him away from the edge, focusing him on the next thing that had to be done, rather than what lay behind.
Im so weak
Not true. Emily snorted, dragging him towards the stairs. Id lose my mind if I found out my parents werent actually my parents. Anyone would!
She stumbled, and Harvey caught her.
Careful!
Oh, you can talk! Emily grinned, turning on her phone torch. Come on weve got work to do.
That evening would stay in their memory forever.
The conversation with Harveys parents difficult and long.
The bit of reconciliation that happened when Harvey finally learned the truth: that his real father was soon getting out of prison and wanted to see his son.
The tears from the woman who had become his mum, who bravely took on a tiny, one-year-old boy when his birth mother her best friend died so horribly, stuck with the wrong man.
My mum my real mum
Yes, Harvey, it was your dad…
And now he wants
He wants to meet you.
I dont want that.
Thats up to you. Well stand by you, whatever you decide.
They talked for ages, and Emily knew theyd never go back to that roof, not today or any day. Something had changed inside both of them the old life swapped for something new, the past for the future.
And when Emily finally headed home, just before midnight, shed unlock the front door with her own key, slip inside, still in her coat, creep into the kitchen, and find her mum by the window, waiting on her usual post.
And shell hug her, nestling into the wild curls at the base of her mums neck, breathing in that unmistakable scent of her perfume. And say that word, the one that gives new hope, takes away the unimportant, leaves only what really matters:
Sorry
And an echo will come, from the one whose world still revolves around Emilys worries, troubles, sadness:
And Im sorry, too Hungry?
No, Mum. Thank you Yknow, I think I passed an exam today…
What exam, love? You havent got any for weeks yet, have you?
I think it mightve been the most important one, Mum Ill tell you about it another time.
Why not now?
Because my mocks tomorrow. And I need some sleepAnd if I dont get some sleep, Ill probably flunk it. But I dont think youd mind that much.
Her mums tired smile grew wider, the sharp edges of their earlier fight smoothed by forgiveness and something softer between them. Emily almost laughed at how simple it was, how all the noise inside her had settled down just by coming home, by letting herself belong again.
She poured a glass of water, listening to the silence, feeling her mothers hand squeeze her shouldersolid, steady. Not a cage at all, but something else: a safety net. Maybe she was only just learning the difference.
As she headed for bed, Emily paused. She glanced back, catching her mums eye, both of them standing in separate shadowscloser than ever, all the same.
Night, Mum.
Night, Em. Rememberwhatever happens, her mum whispered, Im on your side. Always.
Emily smiled. Maybe life was just a string of exams, big and small, and maybe no one could prepare you for the ones that really shaped you. But shed passed tonights, in a way that mattered mostand suddenly, that felt enough.
She slipped beneath the covers, heart light, and let the world go quiet. Tomorrow waited, homework and heartbreak and hope all mixed together. But now, with the city outside humming softly and her mums footsteps padding past her door, Emily drifted off, knowing she was exactly where she was meant to be.
