Keys
I love him! And youre going on about nonsense again! I dont want to hear it! Youre jealous, thats what this is! Why dont you leave me alone for once and worry about your own life?
Harriet wasnt just shoutingshe was practically bellowing at the top of her lungs, so much so that old Mr. Nigel, fiddling with his Vauxhall in the garage next door, paused and turned an ear. Nigel was never one for nosiness, so if he was eavesdropping, you knew Harriet was shouting loud enough to startle the local wildlife.
The thing was, Harriet felt fully justifiedat least in her own mind. Shed always approached love like a permanent lifestyle. Brief interludes between crushes came so rarely, only those who knew Harriet to her bones would even notice. And that club boasted just two membersHarriet’s mum, whod since passed away, and her sister, Emily, who stubbornly refused to get her.
Being not-in-love was, for Harriet, not living at all. Shed wander about like a lost sheep, thoughts darting about like bats in a belfry, nerves all jangled. Even her colleagues at the council offices would edge away, suggesting, Maybe you need something to calm you down, love? Youre getting a bit much, Harriet.
At which Harriet would purse her lips, grind her teeth a bit, muttering not-so-nice things about these women and their unadventurous lives.
It was all right for them, after all! Husbands waiting at home, kids dashing about, a tidy place in the suburbs. And what did Harriet have? No home, no husband, and the unsettling suspicion the future held neither. She had a son, sureCharliebut he wasnt exactly prize-child material. Even compared to Emilys two: Oliver, a wunderkind on the football pitch and a star in the classroom (so much for boys not being able to multitask), and Grace, the familys answer to Shirley Temple, singing and dancing her way around Europe by age ten. Graces adventures made Harriets own childhood seem positively beige by comparison.
That stung. Harriet had mucked about in a dozen clubs as a child, but never stuck with anything long enough to shine. Her heart just wasnt in itshe always left as soon as boredom reared its ugly head.
But that was the right way to live, she told herself: Listen to your inner voice! No ones going to waltz over with happiness on a silver tray, are they?
Harriet learned this the hard way. Shed watch Emily burn the midnight oil over her textbooks, teasing, Oh Emily, youll never get married if you carry on like that! Remember when Gran said a woman oughtnt be cleverer than her man? No boys so much as look at you!
Id rather not have them looking, Emily would reply, and Gran never said that, not really.
She definitely did!
Not how you remember, she didnt. She said a clever woman wouldnt show off about it to a man she loved. Thats quite different, dont you think?
Oh, whateverhelp me with my hair, will you? Toms waiting for me!
Then Harriet would rush out on her next date, while Emily curled up on the settee with a book. The two hours of silence that ensued was practically an annual holiday for the household.
Emily did love her sister, of course. She hadnt much choice. She knew Harriet inside out: not a bad bone in her, just a bit flighty, a tad harebrained, hopelessly unconfidentbut not unkind. In fact, Harriet had so much more tenderness than Emily. She would come home with stray animals, and to be fair, thanks to her care, both cats and that dog lived long, pampered lives. Their parents finally relented, on the strict agreement the house wouldn’t become an animal sanctuary. Harriet never once asked Emily to walk the dog or tidy the litter trayshe shouldered every smelly responsibility herself. In fact, sometimes Emily wondered if Harriet preferred the company of animals to people.
Harriet, Mum’s asked us to pop round Grans to help tidy up.
Do it yourself, will you? Im busy.
Doing what?
Oh, you know… Important things! Mittens is limping. Needs the vet.
Hes been limping for a week.
So? You think thats less important than Grans bit of dusting? Shes not exactly ancient, she can look after herself. Mittens is a cat, he cant!
And so the girls would bicker, go their separate ways, Emily off to Grans and Harriet off out with her best jumper. Tom was probably waiting, and Mittens was just an excuse.
School ended for the sisters very differently. Emily finished top of the class; Harriet scraped through, as many do.
No tough careers questions for Harrietshed always wanted to bake. Pastries and elaborate cakes were her childhood obsession. Shed press her nose to the bakery window, nattering until her parents caved. But eating cakes? Not so much. Shed just stare at the icing roses until she could recreate them out of Play-Doh, then pass the cake along to her sister.
This was the first of many forked paths for the sisters.
Emily moved in with Gran as the old girls health wanedand conveniently, it was nearer her university. Everyone was content: Gran got care, Emily got an extra hour in bed, and some peace at last. She doted on Gran, and introduced her boyfriendand later, husbandSam, to Gran before anyone else.
Live here, kids! Theres room for all!
A modest but jolly wedding quickly followed, and the newlyweds set up home with Gran, who made her intentions about the house clear.
Its right and proper, Emily love. Harriet can have Grandad’s old room down at the flat-share. For you and Sam, the flat. Wish I could stay to see your little ones! Oh, how Id love that!
She did see her first great-grandchild, even held little Oliver, before passing on when he was two. She battled bravely against a stroke, longing to get back on her feet and speak again, but her heart gave out, and Emily wept for the loving, warm soul shed lost.
Neither Emily’s nor Harriets parents contested Grans plans, conceding that Emily had earned her inheritance.
Harriet, meanwhile, couldnt have cared less. She was submerged in her latest romance and indifferent to anything beyond the fluttering of her own heart.
Not that love quite described it. Harriet was headlong, but her chosen gent, an eccentric artist, seemed far more fixated on his own shoelaces than on her. He adored having Harriet cook, clean, and do his laundry, but she was neverheaven forbidallowed to stay the night.
Im an old bachelor, darling Harriet. Its complicated.
With dramatic sighs, hed ask her to tidy his studio and then show her the door: Art demands sacrifice, Harriet. It pleads for me to give myself to it utterly. But you know I cant; life, love, obligations, its all a bit much. Im truly exhausted.
Harriet would nod sympathetically, mindful of the hideously off-kilter portrait of her hed painted, which now gathered dust as proof some man had once found her inspiring. She got to keep the portrait when she told the artist she was having a baby.
The sun was shining that day, her heart bursting with the promise of new life, her happiness almost unbearable. But as soon as she broke the news, her beloved frowned and cut her off:
A baby? Have you lost your mind?!
The rest was pure banalityHarriets soul plummeting into the bleakest pit. Her dreams were crushed into fragments too sharp to ever glue back together. She didnt even try to salvage her pridejust quietly asked to take her portrait as a memento.
Permission was granted, but she spent the evening tearing it to tatters, muttering, Ill have everythingand youll have nothing!
What became of the artist, Harriet never knew and didnt care. Life was busy enough. Her baby boy, Charlie, arrivednot that it brought her much joy. She looked for his fathers genius but found a quiet, ordinary little chap who liked kicking a football and playing chess, of all things. After school, hed lose himself in chess matches, sometimes pirouetting around his room in time to an invisible melodythough only when Harriet wasnt watching. She found it disturbing.
Dancings not for boys! Stop it!
His cousin Grace understood, though. The family politics between their mothers escaped him, but Gran always said, Familys family, and you cant go tossing it away. He didnt see why his mum didnt value her own sister more, but he took Grans words to heart. He got on well with Oliver, but Grace was his favouriteshe listened to him talk about the music of logic and his dreams.
Do you hear it? Grace would ask, eyes wide.
Yes. Its quiet, but beautiful
I think I hear it, too. Let me show you!
And theyd twirl around the room together, and for a moment, Charlie knew he wasnt alone.
Kids, of course, dont get much say in who they spend time withparents control that, and Harriets whims changed with the weather. Whenever she quarrelled with Emily about some triviality, Charlie would be banned from seeing his cousins.
Charlie fought back with what little power he had: tantrums, hunger strikes, silent resistance. Eventually Harriet would give in, sighing, Oh, do what you want! Im tired of your whining!
Charlie never quite knew why his mother had fallen out with Emily. He didnt know Emily had supported Harriet after his birth, only for Harriet to chase her off when she found out how Gran had divided things.
Its not fair! Im as much a granddaughter as you!
Harriet, I didnt ask for it! Lets sell Grans flat and split it. I dont want a row.
No! I dont want your charity! Gran loved you more! Thats why she left you everything. No ones ever loved me properly!
Harriet, thats not true! What about me? About Mum and Dad?
Hows it love if you dont understand me? You really think I care about the flat? I just want to know someone in the family loves me!
Harriet
Thats enough! Im done listening to you!
The bitterness made itself at home between them, nesting in old slights and ancient grievances.
Remember, Harriet? You wanted that doll in the pink dress, and Emily wouldnt swap her green one. Seemed trivial, but you never forgot. Its the little thingsthe dolls, the dresses, that mascara you wanted but Emily was given instead, Sam, her own place, a better job, children nothing like your quiet, inscrutable Charlie. Each is a brick in the wobbly, lop-sided house of your hopes.
But Emilys nest of resentment was feeblejust a couple of twigs, easily blown away. Harriets, meanwhile, was a fortress.
And still, Emily tried to sweep the air clear, especially as the years passed, life battered them both, and their parents diedboth in the same year, as if in cahoots. Grief swamped the sisters.
Emily, how? Why? They were so young! They shouldve had decades!
Fate doesnt ask, Harriet. We did all we could, but some things are out of our hands. Emily hugged her sobbing sister.
Its not right! Its not fair!
Life isnt fair, love. It tricks us into thinking everyone gets what they deserve, but it isnt so.
Youre right, it really isnt
Giving Emily the family home calmed Harriet for a whileshe buried herself in paperwork.
I thought youd take that too, she muttered, fussing with her coat.
The sisters stood outside the solicitors, waiting for Sam to pick them up.
Why are you like this, Harriet? Arent we family?
Supposedly. But youve never understood me.
Nor you me… but does that matter?
Of course it does! Harriet flared. If people dont understand each other, whats the point?
Maybe, to try to understand? Nothings easy, Harrietyou ought to know that.
Oh, I do! Unlike you and your perfect lifehusband, house, kids. Im always alone!
Thats not true… but what about Charlie?
What about him? He keeps to himself! Barely see himwork all hours while hes with you more than hes at home!
Hes happy with us. Its peaceful.
Exactly! You never quitalways outshining me, making me look bad!
Harriet, when have I ever called you a bad mother? What are you on about?
All the time! Your kidsperfect! Im not! And neither is Charlie! You cant stand it!
Oh for heavens sake, Harriet!
By the time Sam arrived, Emily was alone in tears.
Whys she so cruel? What did I do?
Bad luck of temperament, Sam shrugged, trying to comfort his wife, hasnt been battered by life enough yet.
Emily stopped crying at that.
Dont say that, Samwhat if something really does happen? I do feel sorry for her
Thats good, Emily. If you didnt, youd be in trouble. At least you still care. Maybe shell learn, maybe not.
Shell always be my sisterand Ill always love her! Someone has to. Charlies still just a child.
A clumsy truce was better than open warfare. Emily did her best to keep the thread between them, however thin and frayed.
Harriets men came and went, each leaving nothing but a bitter aftertaste. She couldnt fathom why giving her all only earned her a pat on the head and:
Dont worry about it, Harriet! We said this was casual, right? You remember?
Of course she did. Each new flame always laid down the ground rules: Not ready for anything serious, love. Lifes complicated. You understand, dont you?
Naturally Harriet nodded, understood, and promptly forgot, always hurt when her heart was left behind.
She yearned to be someones one and only, morphing herself to fit each new fellow. If he liked a hobbyhunting, fishing, cheese collectingHarriet would dive right in, striving to be interesting. But somehow, nobody wanted the keys to her happiness.
While all this went on, Charlie spent most of his time at Emilys, where he was treated as part of the family. In Olivers room stood a bunk bed and a desk big enough for two computersthe boys waged epic online battles, bellowing down the corridor, Grace! You cant play on your own, thats cheating! Play teamsits not fair otherwise!
Emily would report Charlies progress to Harriet, with a sigh. Hes so bright, Harriet. Shouldnt he go to a better school for maths?
Hell be all right. Its easier with him and Oliver at the same school. And youll keep an eye out.
But the journey tires him out if hes with you.
Then let him live with you for a bit. You know my situationIve only just got things on track.
Fine. No problem. He can stay as long as you need.
Thanks! Davids wonderful! Hes accepted Charlie, and wants us to be a proper family.
Hes proposed?
Not yetbut he will! Its all coming together! Just dont get in my wayhelp me! This is my chance at happiness!
Of course, Harriet.
Emily didnt like Davida bit condescending, odd sense of humour, and his jokes were so morally ambiguous she never knew if shed just been insulted or not. Fair enough if it was her or Sam, but what about Charlie? And Harriet was blind to it all, failing to notice her son spent less and less time at home and more at Emilys.
Emily tried to shield her nephew and resist open arguments, but a crisis was inevitable, especially when David revealed what he really wanteda share of Harriets inheritance.
Emily found out by accident, coming home after work to chaosa pile of muddy trainers in the hall, including Charlie’s (who had, somehow, managed to step in every available puddle).
Boys! Whos home? Whats all this?”
Grace peeked out of the boys room, eyes wide.
Mum
What is it? Come on, youre worrying me.
Mum, please dont panic, but Charlie”
Hes hurt? Emilys heart leapt. Where is he?
Charlie lay curled up on the top bunk, holding a bag of peas to his swollen cheek.
Charlie! Emily gently called. What happened?
Nothing, came the muffled, injured reply.
That settled itsomething serious had happened. Charlie always wore his heart on his sleeve, especially with Emily. She climbed up to sit beside him, reaching out to stroke his head.
Come down, pet. Lets talk, please
Dont want to.
It had clearly been a rough day. Emily climbed down and told the other kids to busy themselves in the kitchen.
Emily returned, having changed out of her work clothes, and perched next to Charlie.
Move over! she whispered, lying next to him and stroking the burgeoning bruise. Was it David?
The answer didnt need words. Charlie clung to her, sobbing. For the first time, hed stood up for his mumand had been struck by an adult.
You think you can talk to me like that? Wipe your nose! And keep out of adults business! David had snapped.
Charlie had never seen him drop the mask beforehe lost it, shouting and twisting Harriets arm, and Charlie realised David didnt love his mother at all. Grace had put it best:
When someone loves you, you can tell. Right, Charlie?
Maybe not everyone can, Charlie had replied.
And then, when Charlie rushed at David to help his mother, David had knocked him aside, and all Harriet had said was, Why did you do that, Charlie?
The sharp, searing hurt made tears prick his eyeshe packed his school things and a hoodie from Emily, and left for his aunts, where he never had to hide how he felt.
Emily, after hearing her nephews account, immediately rang Harrietbut got no answer. Next, she phoned Sam.
Dont come updrive me to Harriets. Im on my way.
She left the kids tending to Charlie and dashed to the car.
On arrival, they found Harriet in the courtyard, sobbing over her ruined romance; David had packed up and stormed off after a final shouting match.
You dont understand! I love him! Harriet wailed.
Who, Harriet? The man who hit your child? Emily replied, voice shaking with rage and disbelief. Honestly, I get that youre still hunting for happiness, but what about Charlie? What did he ever do to deserve this?
Hes not my son anymore, hes yours! You took him from me! You take everything from me! All our problems are your fault!
What have I taken?!
My life! My keys!
What keys?
Startled by her own words, Harriet looked for a moment as though she finally saw herself and her sister from the outsidetwo grown women, yelling so loud at each other they might as well have been brawling in front of the whole neighbourhood. Would their parents have wanted this?
Emilys voice softened. What keys, Harriet? What do you mean?
Keys to happiness Harriets tone dropped too, as she furiously wiped away her tears. Youve got them! I dont.
And then, finally, Emily understood. Sighing, she pulled Harriet into a rough hug, the way their mum did long ago.
Come here! Oh, Harriet… why are you so
Stupid? Is that what youre going to say? Harriet tried to wriggle away, but Emily held her tight.
No, not stupid! Just so sensitive. So desperate for love but I cannot understand how youd put a man before your own son. Thats wrong, Harriet, and you know it. And as for keysI havent stolen anything from you. If anything, I barely understand my own! The only difference between us is
What?
I keep my keys to myself, and you keep giving yours away.
Which is right?
Who knows? Life will show us.
It already has, Harriet sniffled. What do I do now? Ive got no one.
Youve got me. Isnt that enough? And Charlie! Isnt that enough to start?
Maybe.
Start there, then. The rest will come.
And if it doesnt?
Then your keys might just not be for the right door, Harriet. You could spend your life rattling around the hallway, but never opening the place you belong. Do you want that?
No!
Thats my girl. Will you go and see your son?
He wont forgive me.
Oh, HarrietCharlie understands life better than his mum, I reckon. But dont expect an easy chat. Hes pretty hurt.
I know
Sodo something! Youre his mum, arent you? Or just a bystander?
Emily!
What? Sam, pass her some tissuesthe cars got some in the glove box. Get yourself sorted! Kids are waiting!
Charlie did get a stepdad, in the end, much later, and Harriet finally found what shed been searching for. Charlie chose to stay with Emilys family rather than his mums new flat, but Harriet made every effort to show him her love, even if only from a distance. Her new husband was much wiser than her past picks. He allowed Charlie time, mending bridges slowlyenough, with patience, to bind them together more tightly than blood.
And years later, as Charlie prepared to board a train to start his first job, he squeezed hands, hugging his family, and turned to his stepdad:
Look after Mum for me.
And the tall man, grey at the temples, squeezed back with a serious nod.
And you look after yourself, son. Well be here, waiting.
I know.Heaved his bag onto his shoulder, Charlie took a last look at the faces pressed close behind the glasshis mother there, tearful but braver than before, steps low and careful, her keys at last safe in her own pocket. Emily gave him a thumbs-up, Sam behind her waving a paper bag of emergency biscuits. Grace and Oliver jostled up, shouting good luck as the whistle blew.
The train doors slid shut. Charlie watched the platform recede, every figure growing smaller, the pain in his cheek long healed but the memory sharpreminding him of who he was, and all the places he’d come from.
Sunlight flashed through the carriage window as the city slipped behind, and Charlies heart thuddednot from fear, but anticipation. Ahead, the worlds doors waited, each with their own lock, each demanding a different key. He clutched the small, battered chess piece Grace had pressed into his handa castle, for luck.
He thought of Harriet, who stood on the platforms edge, hope and regret dancing in her eyes: the one whod never stopped searching for a door marked “happiness” and who, finally, was learning to be the kind of mother he needed, not just the mother she wished to be.
For the first time, Charlie understood that love was not a matter of holdingor giving awaya single key, but carrying a whole jangling ring, each shaped by those youd lost, failed, forgiven, or finally understood. To grow meant making peace with the hallway itselfwith its echoes and shadows, its waiting and its promise.
As the train picked up speed, Charlie leaned back in his seat, heart full, keys jangling softly in his pocketthe tune of his own making, the music of logic and longing together. Out the window, the sun split the clouds and gilt the fields below. Somewhere ahead, a new door waited, and he knew, now, how hed know when it was time to turn the key.
For hed learned the secret at last: sometimes, the hardest doors to open were the ones leading home.
