Keys
“I love him! And all you can talk about is nonsense! I don’t want to hear any of it! Youre just jealous, that’s why youre interfering where youre not wanted! Leave me alone, will you? Worry about your own life!”
Caroline isnt just raising her voiceshes shouting so loudly that even Mr. Victor Brown, her hard-of-hearing neighbour fussing about with his tools next to his shed, looks over, concerned. Hes never been nosy, which only means one thing: Caroline is way too loud.
And, at least in her mind, she has every reason to be.
Being in love, for Caroline, feels almost like a state of being. If she ever finds herself single, it lasts such a short time that barely anyonenot even those who know her inside outwould notice. And, truth be told, only her sister, Helen, and her late mother ever truly understood her. Now, with their mother gone, Helen is the only one left, and she refuses to play along.
Without the bright buzz of love, Caroline merely exists. She seems dazed, thoughts scatter, concentration fails, and her nerves snap so much that her colleagues start to steer clear.
“Maybe you need a holidaysomething to calm you down, Caroline. Youre getting a bit much lately.”
Caroline purses her lips, grinds her teeth, and privately curses these normal women. Easy for themthey have husbands at home, kids bounding across the lounge But what does she have? No husband, no home of her own. No prospects either, and her son, well, lets just say he doesnt exactly impressespecially compared to his cousins. Helens children are better in every way. The eldest, Tom, excels at football and still manages top marks, putting the old theory that sport and brains dont mix to shame. The youngest, Grace, already sings and dances with a touring theatre group. Shes barely ten and has seen more of the world than her aunt has in a lifetime.
It all stings a bit. Why? Caroline did her rounds with clubs and after-school projects, but she never stuck around long enough to achieve much in any. She followed her heartif it wasnt interesting anymore, shed simply move on.
Isnt that how life should be? Follow your own heart. No ones going to turn up with joy on a silver plate and say, “Here you go, Caroline, all for you!” She knows that, has known for ages. Back when Helen would be burrowed in her books for hours, Caroline would get ready for nights out, taunting her:
“Keep learning, Helen, and see if anyone will want to marry you! Remember Grandma said a woman shouldnt be smarter than a man? The boys barely look at you!”
“And thank goodness,” Helen would reply, unmoved. “And Grandma never said that, not really.”
“So what then? I remember what she said, you know!”
“Youve got it wrongshe said a clever woman never needs to show off her brains to the man she loves. Not the same thing, is it?”
“Ugh, dont twist my mind, just help me with my hairIve got a date!”
Caroline would dash out, and Helen would settle into her book, relishing a couple of precious hours of silence.
Of course, Helen loved her sisterhow could she not? There was no one else. And she knew Carolines quirks; she wasnt unkind, just a little chaotic, a bit insecure, but never nasty. Kind, even. Caroline was forever dragging stray animals inside, and to her credit, the cats and dog she rescued lived full, happy lives under her care. Their parents only agreed to keep the animals on the promise that their flat wouldnt become a mini-zoo. Caroline took on all the responsibility herself, never asking Helen for help. She sometimes loved animals more than people.
“Carrie, Mum asked if you could tidy up at Grans. She needs a hand.”
“Cant you do it this time? Im busy!”
“Busy with what?”
“Does it matter? Its important! Max is limping; Ive got to get him to the vet.”
“Hes been limping all week.”
“So what? That doesnt mean I should ignore him just because Grans got chores. She can manage. But Maxhe needs me.”
The girls would bicker, split off, Helen heading for Grans, while Caroline would pull her favourite blouse from the wardrobe. Her dog was a handy excuse to sidestep any hated cleaning jobs.
They finished school differently. Helen passed with flying colours, while Caroline got through well enough, like many others.
Caroline always dreamed of being a baker. Shes loved fancy cakes and pastries since she was a little girlshed peer in the bakery window, demanding her parents buy them. But it was hardly ever about eating them; shed simply admire the icing and try to make her own from plasticine at home.
And again, their paths split. Helen moved in with Gran, who lived closer to the university and needed company. Gran received care; Helen got some extra sleep and peace of mind. She even introduced her boyfriend Sam to Gran before anyone else.
“Live together, kids! Theres plenty of room here!”
They had a small but lovely wedding and stayed on with Gran. Gran made it clear from the start: “You get the flat, my dears. Caroline can have your grandfathers old room in the shared house. Thats only fair, isnt it?”
Gran got to meet her first great-grandchild, holding Tom just before she passed. She spent her final year fighting bravely after a stroke, but Helen wept uncontrollably when the end came.
The family accepted Grans wishes for the flat. After all, Helen had earned it.
Caroline didnt fight it eithershe was wrapped up in another whirlwind romance and couldnt care less who got what. She had love!
– Although, calling it love is generous. Caroline burned with passion, while her boyfriend, Simon, seemed mostly uninterested. He was happy enough to have her come round, cook, and clean, never inviting her to stay overnight.
“Im too used to being a bachelor, Caroline,” hed protest dramatically. “Its difficult for me.”
Simon would beg for her to tidy his studio, only to usher her out, saying, “Art requires sacrifices, Caroline! I have so many obligations, responsibility, love… Life is so exhausting!”
Caroline, desperate to be valuable, always agreed. She remembered the wonky portrait hed once painted of her, a dusty memento that convinced hermaybe, just maybe, she inspired him.
When she came to him, beaming with news about their baby, her happiness vanished in an instant.
“What? A baby? Are you mad?”
Their relationship ended predictably and emptily, and Carolines dreams were shatteredher pride stomped. She only asked if she could keep her portrait.
“As a keepsake”
He generously agreed, and that night Caroline tore the painting to shreds, muttering to herself, “Ill get everything I want one day. You? Not likely!”
She never found out what became of Simon, nor did she care. Her hands were full. Her son, Oliver, was born, but Caroline could find nothing of Simon in himno talent, no creative spark. Oliver was a quiet, ordinary lad, more interested in football and chess than art. He signed himself up to an afterschool chess club and shrugged when his mother tried to understand.
“Why chess, Oliver? Isnt it boring?”
“Not at all.” In fact, he saw chess as a beautiful kind of dance. Sometimes, after studying a particularly clever game, Oliver would spin in the room to music that was all his ownbut only if his mum couldnt see. Caroline hated such things.
“Dancings not for boys! Stop it!”
The only one who truly understood was his cousin, Grace. She seemed to tune into his world, and he loved her for it.
“Do you hear it?” Grace would ask, enchanted.
“Yes. Its so quiet, but so beautiful”
“I think I can, too. Lets dance!”
Grace would flit around, and Oliver knew, deep down, he wasnt alone.
But children have little say in family squabbles. When Caroline had another row with Helensometimes for no reasonshed forbid Oliver from seeing his cousins.
Hed fight back the only way he couldtantrums and hunger strikesuntil eventually his mother would give up.
“Oh, do what you want! Im tired of this moaning!”
For years, Oliver didnt really know why his mother and aunt argued. He didnt know that after he was born, Helen had helped Caroline as much as she could but was shoved out once Carolines next romance ended, and she realised Gran had left the flat to Helen.
“This is unfair! Im her granddaughter too!”
“Caroline, I never asked her to! If you want, well sell the flat and split the money. I dont want to lose you over this!”
“I dont need your scraps! Gran always liked you better!”
“Thats not true! What about Mum, Dad, and me?”
“If you never understood me, hows that love? Do you think I need this flat? No! What I want to know is it that my family loves me!”
“Caroline”
“Enough! I cant listen any longer!”
Resentment sat between them like a bad-tempered goblin, poking their wounds and reminding them of petty childhood grievances best forgotten.
See, Caroline? Remember how Helen got the doll with the pink dress and you only got green. You wanted the pink one, didnt you? Helen wouldnt swap! Cruel! Dont forget these little thingsthey make up all the unfairness in your life.
So Carolines side of the wall grew brick-solid with bitterness, while Helens was ricketytwo sticks loosely tied together, easy to revive into a bridge, if only Caroline let her. Helen tried and tried every time Caroline snapped: “Youre not my sister! Who acts like this?”
It took both their parents dying, one after the other, to blunt the sharpest edges of their fights.
“Helen, why? They were so young, werent they?”
“Lifes not fair, Caroline. We did all we could. Some things are just out of our hands”
For a while, Helen gave up her share of what was left, letting Caroline take over. Caroline managed the paperwork for their parents flat.
“I thought youd take that too,” Caroline mumbled, fiddling with her jacket, not meeting her sisters eyes as they waited outside the solicitors.
“Why, Caroline? Are we strangers now?”
“I dont know, Helen. I suppose we feel like family, but youve never understood me.”
“And I suppose you never understood me. But maybe thats not what matters most?”
“Oh, it does! If people dont understand each other, why bother being together?”
“Maybe to keep trying? You know that nothing you really want ever comes easily, right?”
“Oh, dont I just! I know that much better than youyour lifes always so simple. Husband, house, kids. Im alwaysalone!”
“Youre wrong What about Oliver?”
“Hes off doing his own thing! I barely see him. Im always at work, he lives at yours!”
“He feels happier with us. Its peaceful”
“Exactly! You see? You always have something to say about my parenting skills! And your childrenso perfect! While Oliver”
“Oh, for heavens sake, Caroline! Listen to yourself!”
When Sam came to pick up Helen, he found her alone and in tears.
“Why is she like this? What have I done?”
He held his wife close. “Bitterness, love. Shes had a hard time. Hasnt learned yet.”
Helen wiped her tears fiercely. “Dont say that! What if something really does happen to her? Shes still my sister, after all. And Ill always love hersomeone has to, until Olivers grown.”
Better a bad peace than a good quarrel. Helen did all she could to mend things. Their bond was now a single, fraying threadbut it was there. And Helen wouldnt let it break.
Men came and went in Carolines life, leaving no mark except sadness and confusion. Why didnt they want her love and devotion? Each man made it clear from the start:
“Im not ready for something serious, Caroline. Its complicated. You understand?”
“Of course,” Caroline would agreeand then quickly forget. She never understood why they left, often without even telling her.
Her heart yearned to give someone the keys to her happiness, but oddly, no one seemed to want them.
During her mothers frequent love affairs, Oliver stayed at Helens. Neither Sam nor Helen minded; theyd come to think of him as their own. Toms room had bunk beds and plenty of space, and the boys battled each other online, shouting at Grace who was inevitably too quick for them.
Helen would ring Caroline to share Olivers good news, sighing, “Hes so cleverhe should go to a maths-focused school.”
“Hes all right where he is. Its easier for me since hes with Tom at school, and you can keep an eye on him.”
“Oliver has to travel quite far if he stays at yours, and hes tired all the time.”
“He can stay with you for a bit, if thats all right. Ive only just got my life on track.”
“Of course. Hes very welcome.”
“Thanks! Michaels amazinghes taken to Oliver, wants us to be a family.”
“Has he proposed?”
“Not yet, but things are getting there. Just don’t interfere, please! This could be my chance at happiness!”
Helen hid her doubts. She didnt like Michael. He was arrogant, a bit too pleased with himself, his jokes sharp-edged and uncomfortable. Caroline was besotted, unable to see Oliver drifting further away, preferring the comfort of Helens home.
The end came, as Helen always feared. Michael wanted Caroline to sell her parents flatHelen only found out by chance.
Coming back late from work, she sighed at the heap of muddy shoes in the hallwayToms and Olivers, both caked in grime.
“Boys! Whos home? Whats going on here?”
Grace, emerging from the boys room, looked tearful.
“Mum”
“What is it? Grace, tell me. Im seriously worried now.”
“Mum, dont get upsetOlivers We gave him some ice, but its not working”
Helen didnt wait to hear more. She hugged her daughter, then gently let go.
“Where is he?”
Oliver lay curled up on the top bunk, pressing a bag of ice to his bruised face.
“Oliver?” Helen called softly. “What happened?”
“Nothing.”
That was seriousOliver had never been good at hiding his feelings, let alone from Helen, who was almost a second mum.
Helen climbed to his level, stroking his hair and lightly touching his swelling black eye. “Was it Michael?”
The answer was obvious. Oliver burst into tears, and Helen just held him close, knowing he needed nothing but understanding.
How could it be fair for a grown man to hit a child for standing up for his mother, saying, “Who do you think you are? Keep out of grown-up business!”
Oliver had never seen Michael like that beforemask off, menacing, screwing his mothers arm. It became suddenly painfully clear: this man didnt love her; he had some other interest, nothing to do with making her happy.
Grace had once tried to console Oliver: “Its easy to see when someone loves. Dont you think?”
“Not for everyone” Oliver had muttered.
“You hear music, you see the dancesurely you can see this too?”
“Perhaps not everyone can…”
“Do you think your mum cant feel it?”
“Not hear it, not see it. She desperately wants to, but she just cant.”
“I feel sorry for her”
“So do I.”
Oliver had launched himself at Michael to defend his mum, but Michael shoved him aside. Dazed, he only remembered his mums worried whisper:
“Oliver, why would you do that?”
Hed retreated to his room, trying to choke down his sobs. Michael, meanwhile, barked:
“Be a man! Dont cry! Tidy up, will you?”
When hed calmed, Oliver packed his schoolbooks and a jumper from Helen and went to hers. There, he knew, hed always be welcome.
Helen, hearing his story, immediately phoned Caroline, only getting endless rings. Frustrated but determined, she rang Sam next.
“Sam, you home? Good, dont come up, just drive me to Carolines. Ill be down in a sec.”
She told the children to stick with Oliver and hurried out.
“Whats happened?” Sam frowned as Helen slid into the car.
“Ill explain on the waylets go!”
The fight with Caroline started immediately. She was outside, sobbing about her hopeless life; Michael had stormed out, hurling nasty words over his shoulder.
“You dont understand! I love him!” she cried at Helen, desperate and defensive.
“Who, Caroline? Who do you love? A man who hit your child? Have you lost all sense? It’s not all about you and your love affairs! What about Oliver? Why betray your own son?”
“He isnt my son anymore. You took him! He hardly lives here! He barely speaks to me! Everythings your fault! You took everything!”
“What did I take, Caroline?”
“My life! My keys!”
“What keys?”
Helen stopped, the ridiculousness of it all suddenly cleartwo grown sisters, shouting in the middle of the car park for all the neighbours to hear. Was this what their parents would have wanted?
“What keys, Caroline? What do you mean?”
“The keys to happiness,” Caroline sobbed, quieter now. “Youve got them, and I I have nothing.”
Only then did Helen begin to understand. She took a deep breath and suddenly, as if channeling their mum, wrapped Caroline up in an embrace.
“Come here, Carr. Oh, you silly thing”
“Stupid, you mean?” Caroline jerked away, but Helen wouldnt let her go.
“Nonot stupid! Overly sensitive. You just you need so much love, and I get that. But I cant understand how youd ever choose someone over your child. Thats never right, Caroline. And the keysI never took anything from you! Honestly, I can barely manage my own. The difference between us? You keep giving your keys away, and I keep mine close.”
“But which way is right?”
“I dont know. Life will teach us, I suppose.”
“It already has,” Caroline sniffed. “How do I go on? No one needs me!”
“I do. Isnt that enough? Oliver does! Isnt that enough?”
“Im not sure”
“Start with that. The rest will follow.”
“And if it doesnt?”
“Maybe your keys just dont fit the door you keep trying to open. And that door will never open. Meanwhile, the right one stays locked. Do you want to spend your life in the hallway outside it?”
“No!”
“Good. Will you go see your son?”
“He wont forgive me”
“Oh, Caroline! He knows more about the world than his motherthats for sure. But it wont be easy. Hes really hurt.”
“I know”
“Then do something! Youre his mum, not some distant aunt.”
“Helen!”
“What? Now, get in the car! Sam, give her some tissues from the glovebox! Lets go! The children are waiting.”
Eventually, a stepfather will come into Olivers lifebut much later. Caroline will finally find what shes always longed for. Even if Oliver chooses to live with Helen instead of in his mums new flat, where his baby sister’s cries will echo, Caroline will do her best to make sure he knows he is loved and wanted. Her new partner will show more wisdom than her; with patience, hell help build up their relationship into something real and strong.
And years later, standing on a platform before heading off to his first job away from home, Oliver will hug his family, shake his stepfathers hand, and say:
“Look after Mum, please?”
The tall grey-haired man will nod, gripping Olivers hand.
“And you take care, son. Well be here.”
“I know.”
