THE YOUNGER SON’S LEGACY
Sarah couldnt take her eyes off the Operating Theatre sign. After hours of waiting, the words blurred from tiredness and the thumping in her chest. Her fingers anxiously twisted the little red plastic tractor that belonged to her four-year-old, Jamie. Funnily enough, he wouldve preferred a blue tractor like in that kids cartoon, but this red onegifted by his beloved dadhad become utterly precious to him.
Finally, a figure appeared behind the frosted glass, the doors swung open, and an exhausted-looking doctor came out. Sarah leapt up.
Doctor, how is he? How did the surgery go? Is Jamie alright?
The doctor looked away and pulled down his mask.
Mrs. Collins, Im so sorry We did everything we could
***
Sarah curled up on Jamies bed, barely moving. The pillow still carried Jamies scent. On the mirror opposite, his little biscuit-smudged handprint was still there. Thank goodness she hadnt wiped it offhed never make another one now, nor nestle his tired head on his pillow.
A salty tear trickled down Sarahs weathered cheek. Her heart was scorched with griefa healthy heart, something Jamie never had. She had her eldest, Adam, now 18, already off at university and faring well enough. But Jamie had been her unexpected, late-in-life bundle of joy, who turned out to be her greatest sorrow. Every check during pregnancy had been fine until just before the birth, when out of nowhere, they diagnosed his complex heart defect. Something went wrong during the surgery and now, Jamie was gone.
***
Sarah drifted off into a fitful, fretful sleep. Again, like every night since, she found herself in a sun-drenched meadow sprinkled with a wild riot of colourful flowers. Her Jamie was standing there, wearing his favourite car-patterned shirt and that unmissable, heart-melting smile. In his hands, he clutched a fistful of daisies.
Jamie! Darling! Sarah called out, but Jamie didnt respond, just absentmindedly fiddling with the petals.
She ran toward him, her arms outstretched, but no matter how far she ran, she couldnt close the distancehe seemed to be moving further and further away. Sarah screamed in despair and reached out, but couldnt touch him. Suddenly, Jamie looked at her, smiled, and gently faded into thin air. All that was left was a swirling cloud of daisy petals floating down onto the grass.
Sarah reached the spot where the petals landed and looked down. On the green grass, immaculate white petals spelled out an address.
***
Sarah woke with a start to her phone ringing. Adams name flashed on the screen.
Yes, sweetheart? Her voice was hoarse.
Mum, Im coming home todaycan you make something nice?
Sarah forced a smile. Enough. It had been nearly three months since Jamie passed, but she still had Adam. She had to try to move on, if only for his sake.
Of course, darling. Pancakes, then?
Thatd be brilliant, Mum! Im already on the coach, see you soon!
Adam did his best to visit every weekend, to keep both Mum and Dad company. He was grieving too, after allJamie was his little brotherbut life carried on and they needed each other.
Sarah forced herself out of bed and made her way to the kitchen. Rooting through the fridge, she realised she was out of milk. Ben, her husband, was at the kitchen table soldering something on the laptop. He glanced up as she came in.
Need anything from the shop?
Adams on his wayasked for pancakes, Sarah replied, But were out of milk. Ill nip out and get some, need some fresh air.
Ben pushed his glasses up, surprisedmaybe shes finally starting to feel like herself again, he thought.
Sarah dressed slowly and headed outside. A gentle spring breeze brushed her face. Birds sang, the branches were tipped with the hopeful green of new leaves. The world was waking up after winter. She sighed: Jamie never got to see his fifth spring.
Shaking off the gloomy thoughts, Sarah headed toward the shop.
***
She picked up some milk, Adams favourite biscuits, bread, and a roast chicken. As she walked toward the till, suddenly she heard a childs laughterJamies laughter, unmistakablein one of the aisles. Her heart clenched with longing. She hurried over, glimpsing just the tail-end of a child darting behind the shelves.
She knew it couldn’t be real, but she followed anyway, accidentally knocking over a cardboard display. As she picked it up, she stopped short: on the white background, big red letters spelled out the exact address from her dream.
What are you trying to tell me, Jamie? she whispered.
She walked home with her mind racing. Clearly, this meant somethingJamie was reaching out. But what exactly? Maybe shed google the address tomorrow. For now, Adam was coming home, and she needed to hold it together for him.
***
The evening turned out to be warm and even a bit cheerful. Sarah managed a smile, listening to Adams stories from uni. He wolfed down her pancakes, and Sarah and Ben watched, realising how precious he now wastheir only child left. Eventually, everyone drifted off to bed, the house filled with nights hush.
Drained, Sarah fell asleep quickly, only to be jerked awake sometime around midnight by muffled singing from the bathroom. Her heart hammered in her chestshe knew that tune anywhere: Jamies favourite, from the cartoon with the blue tractor.
Holding her breath, Sarah crept to the bathroom, hoping she wouldn’t spook the Jamie in her mind. She opened the door as quietly as she couldof course, there was nothing there. And suddenly, the tears came.
What did I expect? Jamie in the bathroom? Hes gone. All in my head, she thought, angry with herself.
She splashed cold water on her face to wake herself up. She had to stop torturing herselffor Ben, for Adam. In the bathroom mirror, she saw her own pale, hollow-eyed reflection. Without thinking, she soaped her hand and wiped a swirl of lather across the glass, watching as the froth trickled down in shapes that slowlysurelyformed the letters of that address.
She felt a shiver on her neck, and heard a faint, childish whisper:
Im waiting for you, mum
***
Why arent you sleeping? Bens voice startled her; he was propped up in bed, awoken by the laptops glare.
Sarah was in the armchair, laptop on her knees, eyes wide.
Ben, come look. If you feel what I feel, then maybe Im not losing my mind
Ben heaved himself over to her. The second his eyes landed on the little boys photograph, warmth bloomed in his chest.
Ethan Walker, age 4, the caption read. His parents died in a car crash three years ago. Raised by his nan, but after she died six months ago, hes been in a childrens home.
Sarah explained about the address appearing in her dreams, in the shop, in the bathroom mirror. About the laughter and the voice. Ben listened, then said, quietly but firmly:
Sarah, we need to go.
***
Emma, the manager at Rosewood House, led Sarah and Ben down a bright, echoey corridor, explaining as she went:
When Ethan arrived, we thought itd be temporary. Well-behaved and clever, even with just gran raising him. Hes been up for adoption three times, but clams right up when potential new parents show. Says hes waiting for his real mum and dadhell know them. Just these last three months, hes been talking about an imaginary friend he calls him Jamie. Apparently, Jamie told him recently that his mum and dad are coming soon.
Sarah and Ben exchanged a look. Could it really be their Jamie, reaching out to this little boy?
Emma pulled open the playroom door. Come and meet himmaybe youll win him over.
Sarah recognised him instantlya delicate, thin little boy, sitting on his knees among the others, building a tower out of blocks and gently humming Jamies favourite tune. Suddenly, Ethan looked up, dropped the blocks, and ran straight over, arms outstretched:
Mum! Dad! I knew youd come!
***
Emma did all she could to fast-track the adoption process, thrilled that Ethan had finally opened up to someone, and near tears after hearing about Sarah and Ben losing Jamie. Within a month, Sarah, Ben, and Adam arrived together to take Ethan home for good. Just as they were about to leave, Ethan pulled his little hand from Sarahs and said:
Mum, wait! Jamie wants to say goodbye! He gazed down the hallway, ran to the far end by the window, paused a moment, and ran back, grinning at them all.
Sarahs heart fillednot with crushing sadness, but with a bittersweet sense of hope. She would never stop loving Jamie, never forget him, but Ethan now needed her, and she owed it to him to carry on.
Outside the same window, a pure white doveout of nowheretook wing, circling the building and soaring above the family. For the first time, Sarah didnt just feel lossshe felt, at long last, a little bit of light.
