Bury
Oh, you really are a hard man, William Adams! They don’t call you Bury for nothing, do they? Its near impossible to get you to crack a smile. People look your way and feel a chill. What happened to you, eh? Did life freeze you out or what? Or have you just had enough of it all?
Phyllis was still talking, but Id already stopped listening. I scooped up my shopping from the counterthe only shop in the villagenodded a brief thank you, and made to leave.
“Your Helen came back to her mums the other day,” Phyllis went on, rather more loudly. “Brought the boy with her, too. Hear me, William? And what if the lad really is yours? Youre just going to let him drift through the world without a father? Spitting image of you, if you ask me!”
I had one foot out the shop door when those words hit me, and nearly tripped over the step. I didnt look back. What was the point? You cant argue with gossip, and Ive never been one for dragging my personal life out for all to see. People think they know everything. What they dont know, they’ll make up. No matter what you say, most wont listen. Best to let them talk. These things between Helen and me, thats our business and nobody elses.
The sun was beating down, unusually hot for spring in Hampshire, and I closed my eyes for a moment as it warmed my face. When I opened them again, I nearly stumbled as a childs voice rang out:
“Careful!”
A young lad rushed past towards the shop steps, scooping up two scruffy puppies from their game on the stone.
“Dont tread on them, please!”
Broad nose, dark eyes with heavy lids, and those ears that stuck outjust like mine. It was plain as day why the village women gossiped. But I knew, clear as the sky, the lad watching me wasnt my boy. Family perhaps, but not that close.
“You dont want a puppy, do you, sir? Look at the size of his paws! Like a wolf! Hell be strong, he will!”
I managed a quick shake of the head, then turned away, walking down the nearest lane, not the one Id meant to take. It was just closer. My legs barely carried me to a neighbours fence before I had to lean against it, catching my breath and wondering how on earth to breathe at all.
Why her, again? Why bring this boy? Did Helen really get left by Owen after all? Or was it something else? One thought crashed into the next, just like all those years ago when my heart first got out of time. Seven years, and I remember everything. I couldnt shut it out if I tried.
Thats when Lydia Smiths garden gate banged and she hurried over, her brow creased with worry.
“Will, love, you alright? Come on, let me help. Or shall I fetch Elijah?”
Her warm hands guided me as I tried to steady myself.
“No, Lydia, please. Itll pass,” I muttered. “Ill just Ill go home in a minute”
“Not a chance, love. Here, put your arm around me. Thats it, slow and steady now. There you go! My word, youre heavy! William, you cant let yourself get into this state. If anything happened to you, everyone would blame me! Youre my patient, remember? And I wont let you make me look badnot on your life! Lets check your blood pressure and give you a jab, just to be safe. Youll be up like a fresh cucumber in no time.”
My legs felt boneless, but Lydia was solid as an ox. She half-dragged, half-carried me into her house, nudged the gate shut with her foot, and called out, “Elijah! Give me a hand!”
From there, my memory is mostly a fog. When I came to, I was sprawled on Lydias old chintz sofa, something heavy pressing on my chest. I thought the heart attack had finished me off at last. But as I blinked into the lamplight, I let out a shaky half-laugh and relaxed.
A plump, smoky-grey cat had curled beneath my arm, tending her kittens, the rest of the litter scrabbling over my chest.
Martha senses good folk, she does. If shes brought her babies to you, it means youre set right, Will. Shed never trust them to just anyone.
Lydia shuffled some schoolbooks out of the way and fussed over me.
There, thats better! she said, satisfied. Pulse nice and steady now. Will, dont frighten me like that again! The roads are flooded out, an ambulance would never get here in time. Have you decided to up and die on me? Far too soon for that. There are things you havent finished!
“What things, Lydia? Just Bessie and Duke, really. Thats all lifes left me.”
Shes a fine cow, your Bessie. And she deserves looking after. If you fall ill, whatll happen to her?
Only now did I notice the heavy curtains drawn on the windows and the lamplight burning bright.
“Lydia, what time is it?”
“Dont worry about it. Youre staying the night here. Youre not walking home. I checked on Bessie myself, shes absolutely fine.”
She put her stethoscope aside, gave Elijah a fleeting hug as he passed, and bustled off to the kitchen. Elijah perched beside me.
You alright, Will?
Not really. Dont know whats wrong with me.
“I do. Helen.”
“Dont, Elijah,” I muttered and turned away, only to catch the gaze of those deep green cats eyes.
“Even Marthas noticed, mate,” Elijah snorted, giving the cat a scratch. “Animals suss us out better than people do. She dragged her whole litter to you to cheer you up. She sat by you for ages, and as soon as Lydia said you were asleep, she fetched the kittens one by one and dumped them on you. Animals dont think with their heads, Will, they think with their hearts. Wouldnt do us any harm, would it? Letting a bit more out, instead of burying everything. I know youre a proud man, dont ask for advice, always carry your own. But its plain to see youre struggling, mate.”
“And whats it to you, Elijah? Youve your own troubles.”
“Plenty,” he grinned, smoothing his moustache. “But youve helped me in the past, never asked, just helped. A debts a debt. If I can do anything, let me. Id be glad.”
“What can you do about this?
“My nan, God rest her, always said some troubles just need airing. If youve no one to talk to, dig a hole and shout into it. Dont keep it all in; itll burn you up. Youve kept it so long, Will. I never pried before, especially while you were holed up at the old farm. But seeing Lydia try to bring you roundI know its time. Bury by name and by nature, but were not wolves, Will. Were people, and people mend as a pack. Weve known each other for donkeys years. Since you moved here as a lad. What was it, Year Seven?”
“Year Eight”
“God, just think! Were both going grey, clinging to our secrets like schoolboys. Blame me too, Will. I should have talked sooner. If you tell me to clear off, Ill go. But if you want me to listen, and help if I can, I will. You know Im not one for tittle-tattle.”
“I know,” I sighed, running a hand over the bundle of kittens on my chest. “What should I say, Elijah? Im ashamed. Ashamed as a man. You dont hang your dirty washing out for the world, do you? You know I loved Helen. You saw it. Chased after her through school, went running to her from the army. She waited You were best man at our wedding, stood right there. You know it all.”
“I do. I only dont know what happened between you. Wasnt like her to stray. They were happy times. You were together, then suddenly, shes in London and you up sticks, back to the farm. Your mother sold your cow, I remember her crying and not saying why.”
“She didnt know. I told them I fell out of love and wanted nothing more to do with Helen. They nearly disowned me.”
“Nothing ever happens without a reason, Will. Why? You still love her, anyone can see.”
I turned away, not answering. Tears threatened, but my eyes were dry. Id shed them all, long ago, wandering the woods, bellowing out her name, dropping to the cold earth, sobbing like a child. I couldnt forgive and couldnt imagine life without her.
“I cant believe shed go behind your back. Not Helen.”
“I saw them, Elijah. With my own eyes.”
He swore softly, shaking his head. “Tell me everything. It doesnt add up. Theres something off here.”
“Everythings off, Elijah, from start to end. She lied. Said she only loved me, but… I lost not just my wife, but my whole family over it. My parents didnt understand, the rest of the family kept well away. You know how my lot are. Tradition and strength, thats whats respected. What kind of man loses his wife to another? No strength, no pride Nothing left of me.”
“Its not as simple as that, mate. Lets talk it out.”
“Remember when I went to the city for nearly two months? We wanted a farm, to make cheese for the spa. Helen suggested it, said shed be fine, urged me to go for the contacts. Her dad was a horseman, she knew what she was at. She talked me into it Anyway, while I was away”
“I dont know anything about that. And news travels fast here. If anything had happened, wed have heard. Lydia wouldve told me quick enough.”
“Nothing happened outside the house, because it all happened inside. These things arent for gossip. Im sorry, hard to talk about. All those years with this boulder inside me.”
Elijah gasped, “With who? Surely not”
“Owen. My cousin. He and his mum moved into ours for a few months while he settled in. Helen and I were finishing off the house, making plans for the farm, and children. She wanted kids badly, but nothing came of it. We thought, leave it to Gods will Well, we all know how that ended up.”
“Ive seen her lad. Fine-looking boy,” Elijah said, slapping his neck and sighing. “But I still cant believe Helen would betray you.”
“Its not about belief, Elijah. I saw it myself! Came home early, and there he was with his arms round her in our kitchen, kissing her! And she she didnt stop him!”
Suddenly, Martha the cat hissed, paw hard on my chest, claws in the blanket as she hauled an errant kitten back to her side.
“Sorry, love, didnt mean to startle you,” I muttered, gathering the kittens.
“See how nature does it, Elijah A mother will always protect her own. Helen wanted kids so much, and yet I wouldnt go to the doctor. Couldnt believe the problem could be with me. So, she made up her mind If not me, then” I trailed off.
“Dont jump to conclusions, Will! Youve had too much time overthinking it all.”
“I had nothing but time.”
“Maybe too much, and its poisoned you. But what if youre wrong? What if youve been running from your own son all these years?”
“Watch your tongue,” I said, raising my voice, but Lydia poked her head in and I fell silent. “I can count, Elijah. It doesnt add up.”
“What doesnt?”
“Owens mum came to the farm when Helen gave birth. She explained it all in detail.”
“Youre certain, though, Will? What did you actually see?”
“Them both in the kitchen, arms around each other, Owen kissing her, Helen not objecting,” I whispered, my voice breaking as Lydia came back in.
“Nevermind all that now. Ill give you something to help you rest, William,” she soothed, “You need sleep more than anything.”
I complied, not bothering to hide my tears, and soon drifted off under the needle’s warmth.
Elijah called Lydia into the next room.
“Heard it all?”
“Every word.”
“And?”
“I think its high time the truth came out. I saw Helen yesterday. Shes lost half herself to this. She looks ill. And I’m not convinced its guilt, more like heartbreak. She holds her head highshes scared, not ashamed. Im off out, Elijah. Ill have a word with Wills aunt, and then Im calling in on Helen. Enoughs enough. Wills heart isnt up to this; hes driven himself into the ground.”
She threw on a jacket and left, leaving Elijah on the step, lighting a cigarette and pondering. Lifes funny, isnt it? You think youve caught happiness by the tail, but all youre left with is a feather, happiness vanishing with a snort. Lydia and I, weve seen enough. Buried both our parents, lost our son, accepted our twin girls as a gift, though not without pain. Lydia blamed herself for missing our boys illness, though the London doctors told her it was nobodys fault. Then, when she was expecting twins, she was terrified, thinking, What if something goes wrong again? I barely calmed her enough to make it through. No wonder she cant help feeling for Helens boy. She knows, as only a mother can, what its like for a child to grow up with just a shadow for a parentno dad, and a mum running on empty.
I sat there long into the morning, checking on William from time to time as he slept, fitful but resting. And so I went back to my place on the step, wrapped in a blanket, waiting for Lydia to return. When I heard the gate, I roused myself, stretching out the stiffness, and stood up as Lydia stepped under the porch light, her face tired and tear-streaked.
“Bad news?”
“Oh, Elijah.” She crumpled, sobbing like our daughters, wiping her face on her sleeves. “Wills boy, Serge, is his. Ive got it straight from his aunt, Tamara. She owned up.”
“How did you wrangle that out of her, after all these years?”
“I dont know. Maybe she still has some conscience left. I was so angry after seeing Helen, I couldve taken the world apart. But Tamara owned up. Shed been plotting, holding onto a grudge since childhood. Turns out this was all about old jealousies. Tamara envied her sister, always prettier, braver, the lads after her. Tamaras heart was set on the same man her sister ended up with. She stewed on it, and when she was widowed and came back to the family, instead of forgiveness, she sowed secrets and sabotage, wanting to hurt her sister in any way she could. She put Owen up to it and set about destroying Will and Helens life.”
“You spoke to Wills mum, too?”
“Tamara took me there herself. Confessed everything, weeping. Tanya slapped her and then hugged her, what else could she do? Shes just like Will, full of heart and no spite. But she told Tamara to pack up and leave, to take Owen with her, never to return.”
“What about Helen?”
“Helen was just making bread the day Will saw her and Owen. She was pregnant already, but hadnt told Will, scared after three miscarriages. While Owen was kissing her she was just lost in her thoughtspicking boys names! As soon as she realised what was happening, she pulled away, but by then Will had walked in and jumped to all the wrong conclusions And instead of talking, they ran in opposite directions. Now look. Years wasted.”
“Nothing for breakfast, then?” I joked weakly.
“Ill make you some drop scones in a minute,” said Lydia, wiping her eyes. “Youre hopeless without me.”
“Go shave first,” she chided, pinching my cheek, “or youll get cat hairs in your scones. Well feed Will toohe’s got a rough day ahead.”
The sun hoisted itself over the edge of the countryside, setting fields and roofs ablaze with gold.
William, looking pale but steadier, stepped outside, blinking against the daylight, and stopped dead at the boy sitting on the steps, puppy in his arms.
“Are you are you my dad?” the boy said.
He thrust out one hefty-pawed puppy. “Look! His paws are huge! He’s going to be a proper dog, dont you think?”
William took a deep breath, sat beside the lad, and ruffled the pups ears.
“Hell be a splendid dog. Good choice.”
Those solemn black eyesso like hissearched Williams face. Slowly, William put his hand gently on the boys shoulder.
“I am. Im your father, Serge.”
“Good,” the boy grinned. “Lets go inside. Mums making breakfast. Grandma’s here too. She said she’d take me to see the horses today. Can I go?”
Something inside me seemed to give way and open at last. The reins of grief that had held my tongue and my heart for so long, snapping loose. For the first time in years, I felt free, almost happy. I stood and nodded, voice steady and clear again, the voice I remembered from my old self.
“You may. Come on, weve got a lot to do together, son. A lot to do.”
And thats the lesson Ill takehard as it is to speak, sometimes silence only strengthens pain. Pride and secrets divide, but truth clears the way for what matters in the end: forgiveness, a little hope, and the chance to begin again.
