You’re a hard man, William Harrison! No wonder they call you Lone Wolf in the village! As for a smilefat chance! Just look at you, and it sends a shiver down the spine. Whats got into you, eh? Frozen over?
Polly kept talking, but Id stopped listening. I collected my shopping from the only shop in the village and made for the door.
Your Lorna came to stay with her mum a few days ago. Brought a lad with her, you know! Oi, William, you hear? What if hes yours after all? You happy for your son to be raised with no father about? Hes the spitting image of you!
Her words followed me out, and I nearly tripped on the step. I didnt look back. What would be the point? You cant prove anythingand Ive never been the kind to air my business in front of the whole village. Besides, they always think they know everything, and what they dont, theyll invent. Theres no explaining, no setting things straight. And its better that way. Its between me and Lorna. No one else.
The burning spring sunshine washed over my face, so hot it made me close my eyes. I turned towards home, not even registering Id gone the wrong way down the lane, just the closer one. That was all the strength I had. I leaned on the tall fence of the Smith place, breathing hard, not sure if I even wanted to keep breathing.
Why had she come back? Why bring the ladthe boy who might have been my son, if things had been different? Had Nick finally left her?
My head was buzzing, heart all out of sorts just as it had been seven years before. I remembered everything, curse it. And its not something you can order off; the heart doesnt listen.
Lucy Smith banged the gate and hurried over.
Will! Are you alright? Come here, lean on me. Or shall I call Jack?
Her warm hands were at my shoulders, and I opened my eyes.
No, Lucy. Im alright. Ill be off in a sec.
Youre going nowhere, my poor soul! Here, lean on me. Theres a good ladstep by step. Blimey, youre heavy! William, youll set your heart off at this rate. What am I going to tell them if something happens? You remember, youre my patient! Dont get me in trouble! Lets check your blood pressure and get you a jab, just in case. Soon youll be sprightly as a freshly picked cucumber! Here we go
My legs werent cooperating, but Lucy was strong. She half-dragged me into her garden, booted the gate shut, and called out:
Jack! Give us a hand here!
After that, its all a blur. I came to on her sofa. Something heavy pressed on my chest and I thought, here we go, heart attack after all. But when I opened my eyes, I saw Lucys big smoky cat, Molly, stretched at my side, washing one of her kittens. The rest of the litter scuttled over my chest.
Molly knows a good soul when she sees one. If she brought her kittens to you, youre alright, William. She wouldnt trust just anyone.
Lucy put down her girls homework and fussed around me.
There we are, much better! Pulse is fine now. Dont scare me like that again, William! With these muddy tracks, youd be waiting all day for the ambulance. What were you thinking, eh? Time enough for the next life. Youve still things to do here.
What things, Lucy? Just Daisy and Max the collie. Thats all Ive got left.
You know, Daisys a wonderful cow. She needs proper tending. And Max as well. No getting poorly on you, alright? Wholl see to them?
I only then noticed it was darkthe curtains were closed, and the lamps were on.
Whats the time?
Dont fuss. Its late. Youre not going home tonight, youre staying here. Daisys fine, I saw her myself.
Lucy tidied up her things, gave her husband a hug as he passed, and went to the kitchen. Jack sat down near me.
Feeling rough?
Ill live. Dont know whats the matter with me.
I do. Lorna.
Dont, Jack. I turned away, just as Mollys green eyes fixed on me.
Even the cat can feel somethings up! She dragged her whole litter over to you, just to comfort you. She sat here for hours until you came round, and then brought every kitten over, one by one. We could learn a thing or two from them. You hold everything in, Will. But how long can you last like this? Youre a good man, proud, always got on with things your way, sought no ones advice. But I can see youre suffering. Like Molly can.
And whys it your business, Jack? Dont you have troubles enough?
Plenty. But thats the thingback when I needed help, you just gave it. Thats a debt, Will. Let me try now. I need it more than you, to be honest.
What can you do anyway, Jack?
My gran used to say sometimes youve got to spill a trouble out. If theres someone to listen, good. If not, dig a hole and yell into it. Dont keep it inside, itll eat you. Youve been carrying this for years. Not right. I didnt ask before, and weve hardly seen each other, what with you living out by the woods. But after today, watching Lucy drag you back, I changed my mind. Lone Wolfalright, but were not animals. Were people. And people need each other. Weve known each other since your parents moved hereyou joined us in, what, Year Seven?
Year Seven
Blimey, that takes us back! All these years and we keep secrets from each other. There for every good time, yet hiding from each other when life goes bad. Neither of us spoke up when we should. Thats on me too. But if youll let me, Will, Ill listen; and if I can help, I will. You know Im not one to gossip.
I know I reached out and stroked a kitten, little bundle of life on my chest. I spoke at last. What am I to tell you, Jack? Its shameful. A man doesnt air this stuff. But you know how I worshipped Lorna. Chased her all through school, straight back to her after the army. You stood next to us on our wedding day. You know everything.
I do. What I dont know is what came between you. No one does. You were so happy, then bang! Shes off to London, you clear out to the woods. I remember your mum selling the cow, crying herself sick and not explaining to anyone.
She didnt know anything. I told her I didnt love Lorna anymore, wouldnt live with her. My parents nearly disowned me right there
There must be a reason, William. Why did Lorna leave? I know you. You loved her as much then as you do now.
I turned away. My eyes were dry now, long since wept out as I wandered the woods, calling for her, lost and howling. I couldnt forgive; had no clue how to go on.
If I didnt know you, I might suspect but Lorna would never have gone with someone else. Not her.
I heaved a shaky breath, and Jack saw something dark in my face.
I saw it, Jack. Saw it myself. If someone had told me, Id not have believed it
Jack inhaled like hed been kicked.
I dont believe it. Tell me everything!
Everythings off, Jack, from start to finish. She lied to mesaid she only loved me, but She cost me more than a wife; cost me all my family. My folks disowned me, rest of the family turned away. In our lot, strength matters. But what strengths that in a man whose wife prefers another? None. I dont have any left
Hold on a minute. Lets get this straight.
Whats there to work out? Remember I was away on business in London for weeks? That was when we were thinking of starting our dairy, making cheese for the holiday park. Lorna backed the ideashes good with cattle, you remember her father? The best man with cows for miles. Anyway, she pushed me to go, said itd be great for us. And while I was gone
No one in the village knew anything, and you know how quick we hear gossip around here. If something had happened, Idve heard, or Lucy or someone else.
No one knew because it all happened in our houseand who drags that sort of shame out for the village to chew over? Sorry, Jack, this is hard. I never told anyone. Youre rightits a mountain now, not just a pebble inside me.
Jack shook his head.
With who? Surely not
With Nick. My cousin, Nick. Hed just moved here with his mum, thought hed settle in. They were living with my parents months. Wed nearly finished the house, setting up for the dairy; Lorna really wanted children. We tried, but it didnt happen, then thought, never mind, lets not force it. What will be, will be. And it was. Only not with me
Ive seen the boyhe seems a good kid. Jack scratched his neck, shaking his head. Still find it hard to believe Lorna would do that.
Whats to doubt, when I saw it with my own eyes? My voice broke. I tried to sit up, but Molly yowled so fiercely beside me I nearly laughedlike shed just remembered she was descended from lions. She pinned me down with a paw, then grabbed a squirmy kitten by the scruff. Sorry, Molly, didnt mean to startle you
I gathered the kittens in a heap, hands spread over them.
See, Jack, thats how nature isa mother will always protect her young, even before theyre born. Lorna wanted a child so badly, but I flat refused to see a doctor, never believed I could be the problem. She made her choice If not me, then someone else.
Dont wind yourself up with theories now! Youve thought of everything already.
Ive had plenty of time, Jack.
And maybe too much of the wrong sort. But perhaps youve been hiding from your own child all these years, Harrison? Seems a bit too much to be just coincidence.
Careful what you say! I started to raise my voice, but Lucy peeped from the kitchen, so I calmed. I can do sums as well. The maths dont add up.
How so?
My aunt, Nicks mother, came to the farm after Lucy had her baby. She explained the whole thing to me.
So you found proof! But lets get this straightwhat did you actually see when you came back from London? Was it really as you thought?
They were in the kitchen, Jack. Nick was kissing her, holding herand she didnt protest! Thats the truth. My voice faltered. Jack gave Lucy a worried glance as she walked back in.
Alright, William, Ill give you another dose, then youll sleep. Well talk more in the morning.
I nodded, giving up on hiding the tears, and before long drifted into a heavy sleep.
Jack beckoned Lucy out to the other room.
You heard the whole thing?
All of it.
What do you think?
Im going to have a word, Jack. Time we dragged this tale into the daylight. Saw Lorna yesterday; shes a ghost, only holding it together for the boys sake. I dont think its guiltI think shes suffering like hell, but not for the reasons people suppose. I need to see Williams aunt first. Then Lorna. Its late already, but weve all waited long enough. Williams heart isnt righthes breaking.
Lucy put her coat on and went out, leaving Jack on the steps, lighting a cigarette in the chill.
Lifes a tricky business, it dawned on me as I sat there. You think youve got hold of happiness, catch its tailand all you grasp is a feather. Lucy and I, we had our own storms. Buried one parent after another, lost our son, and when we finally had our girls, it was a miracle wed never dared to hope for, not after the years of fear. Lucy blamed herself for not spotting the illnessnot that she was to blame, not even the hospital thought sobut she never let it go. Then came the twins, and she was terrified. Now shes steady, but back then she shook like a leaf. Perhaps thats why she aches when she sees Lornas boy. She knows what it is for a child to grow up without a father, with a mother crumbling away around him. You need strengthsomeone to lean on. Two is the whole point of a family. Otherwise a child stands aloneGod-given, but uncared for.
Jack waited for Lucy, fretful as dawn brightened the east and still she didnt return. At last, he heard the gate and went to meet her, embracing her under the glow of the porch light.
Well? he asked gently.
Oh, Jack! Theres folk in this worldworse than animals, some of them
Lucy burst into tears, little-girl style, rubbing her face.
Its Williams son, Jack! I know for certain now. His aunt, Janet, told me everything.
Howd you manage that? Shes kept quiet all these years!
I dont know. Perhaps shes not all rotten. Maybe she was scared of me, I was so angry after leaving Lorna. Lorna told me the story from that daywhen William found her with Nick. She wasnt at fault. She was already pregnantto Williambut hadnt had a chance to tell him before he left. And she was scared; shed had three miscarriages. Didnt tell anyone, not even William. Can you believe it? Both of them, as secretive as the grave! And look where it ledcomplete disaster!
Lucy was almost shouting now and Jack hugged her until she calmed.
Go on.
Well, she was kneading dough in the kitchenNick came in, turned her round, tried it on. She barely realised what was happening! She was thinking about baby names, sure shed have a boy. And in walks Nick! By the time she shouted, William was already home and saw them. And instead of talking it out, he cleared off to the woods, she fled to London, sure hed never forgive her. Both just silent! Hows that ever right?
Its not! And Janet?
Shes to blame for this mess! She egged her son on, made the whole thing happen out of spite. Shed spent years jealous of her own sister, Williams mother. Stole the man shed wanted, and Janet, nursing her grudge all her life, came back looking for vengeance, took it out on Williams family. Poison, the lot of it. At least Williams mother now knows everything. Janet has confessed.
She forgiven her?
Not yet, but she will, I think. Shes got heart, like William. But shes sent Janet and Nick packingtold them not to show their faces in the village again. Then she ran straight to Lornas to patch things up. No wonder I was so long; they kept needing me. Lorna named her boy Sam, after Williams grandfather.
Jack hugged Lucy again, kissing her brow.
You did right, darling.
I dont know about that, Jack. We shouldve sorted this ages ago! Why do people always wait until its too late? All this suffering in silencejust talk, for heavens sake! Im fit to fry eggs on, Im that wound up!
I wouldnt say no to breakfast. My stomachs rumbling after all that!
Oh, I bet you cant even remember where we keep the fridge! Lucy grinned, stroking Jacks bristly cheek. Go shave and Ill see about pancakes. The girlsll be up soon, and William needs breakfast too. Big day for him. Hes got a whole heap of mending to do after all this.
The sun pulled itself over the golden horizon and set about waking the village with its light.
William shuffled out onto the porch, squinting into the new day, startled by the voice:
You my dad, then?
The boy sat on the step, pressed the scrappy puppy from yesterday to his chest.
Look at him! Big paws, like a wolf! Hell grow to be a fine dog, what dyou reckon?
William found his breath, sat down beside the boy, and ruffled the puppys fur.
Hell make a cracker of a dog. Smart choice, lad.
The boys dark eyes, so familiar, watched William, reading everything in his face. Cautiously, William set his hand on the boys shoulder, squeezed gently, and nodded:
Yes, Sam. Im your father.
Brilliant! Come on, breakfasts ready. Mums in the kitchen, Grans come round too. She promised to take me to see the horses later. Can I go?
Suddenly, William realised that griefs twisted reins, keeping him silent and stuck all these years, had finally snapped, stinging one last time and then gone. Something inside him straightened, letting in light and space and joy. His voice returned, sure and warm, as it used to be. Taking the puppy from Sam, William stood, nodded, and smiled.
Alright, son. Lets get going. Weve so much to doso much, yet to comeAs they stepped inside, the din of voices clustered around themLucy clattering pans, Grans gentle laughter, and Lornas quiet humming as she poured tea. The rooms glowed with morning; light spilled on the table, where the kittens curled up beside the puppy, and fresh bread steamed in a basket.
William paused just a moment in the doorway. Lorna turned and her lips trembled; but this time, William did not flinch from her gaze. She crossed the floor, Sam at her heels, and stood before himso close, he could see every freckle, every worry, but also the gold of hope shining up through her eyes.
I made a fools tangle of things, he said softly, voice rough with all the words locked away for too long.
Lorna shook her head. We both have. She reached up, laid her palm tender and sure against his cheek. Lets untangle it together, for Sam.
He closed his eyes, let her hand linger, breathing in the scent of bread and grass and coming summer. The boy pressed against his side, small and brave. Williams arms went round them, unsure at first, then holding tight.
Jack winked at Lucy, who grinned, eyes shining as bright as day. Gran patted the dogs, declaring they looked hungry too, and soon everyone and everythinghumans, animals, and old hurts alikefound their place at the table.
Outside, the village stirredfootsteps and bike tires in the lane, robins darting in hedges. But here, within four sunlit walls, William felt the years of loneliness flicker and collapse.
Pollys voice drifted past the open window, gossiping as always to someone unseen.
Mind, I saw it myself! William, the Lone Wolf, back among the fold at last, and smiling, too. Well, wonders never cease!
But William just laughed, passing Sam the honey and breaking warm bread for Lorna. He looked around his new-old family and realized, with a sudden rush, that he no longer carried the weight of unsaid words.
This, at last, was home.
And on the windowsill Molly stretched, her kittens purring, the morning bright and full of promisereminding everyone that sometimes, all it takes to heal is the courage to let the light back in.
