The price of a lifelong friendship
But we, Emma and Gwen, always hoped youd end up together
I know you and Gwen are friends. But I cant marry someone I feel nothing for. It would well, it would end badly. For both of us.
***
A fine, persistent drizzle clung to the windows, turning the courtyard into a dull, muted watercolor.
For Emma and Gwen, calmly rocking their prams, the gloomy blessing served only as a backdrop to their endless, leisurely chatter. They had been best friends for years, and now, almost simultaneously, they were mothers. Emmas son, Mark, was a rather hefty boy; Gwens little daughter, Elsie, had eyes that seemed to sparkle with cleverness.
Look, Emma, how serious he looks Gwen smiled at Mark Whos this serious little man? Hell probably be a professor, you can tell already. Hell be inventing things.
I cant say, Gwen. Right now hes mostly figuring out how to shout louder. But who knows And your Elsie? Shes still tiny, but livelyshell grow into a commander.
Absolutely! Gwen winked When shes bigger Ill send her to the theatre, or to dance, or to singing lessons, so she never loses her confidence on stage. Right? she cooed to Elsie Will she be an actress? And you, Mark, where will you study?
She tried to straighten his little cap.
Mark reached out, clumsily trying to pinch Gwens finger, while Elsie spun around in her pram, clearly curious about the commotion.
Those are the first tentative steps toward future relationships, look how Elsie wants to stare at Mark, Gwen said thoughtfully, catching Emmas eye I wonder what will happen when theyre grown. If they stay as close as we are
That would be brilliant, Emma smiled, picturing the scene Imagine if they if they fell in love with each other? It would be wonderful. Wed become inlaws, sharing grandchildren!
Exactly! Gwen brightened Theyll know each other from the swaddling blankets, all our quirks and their own. Itll be easier for them to understand one another. I hadnt thought of that, but it would be grand.
Neighbors with dogs and babies shuffled past, umbrellas bobbing, nodding politely.
***
Years slipped by unnoticed.
Mark and Elsie truly grew up together.
Their first steps were taken side by side; their first words were heard by each other. Nursery, then primary school, then Year One they moved through everything arm in arm. It seemed the mothers predictions were fulfilled to the letter. Mark, fond of quiet games, always willingly handed Elsie the most interesting toy. Elsie, ever the leader, decided which game they’d play, when to do homework, and whose backpack to carry in the corridor.
But by Year Five that balance broke.
Mark, becoming more independent, grew weary of giving in for Elsie. Where he once handed over a toy because it was easier, he now wondered: why should he? Why does she always command?
Mark, give me that car! Elsie demanded, snatching his hand You never play with it anyway.
I wanted to pick it up, Mark replied.
So what? I want it too, and Ill let you play, but only when I feel like it! Elsie, as usual, took the upper hand And overall, obey me!
Mark didnt argue. He remembered his mother saying that he and Elsie should stay friends. Their mothers were practically one, and it would be foolish to spoil that with childish grudges. So he endured. He endured when Elsie claimed the best seat on the bus, dictated how they should play, looked down on his hobbies
Eventually Elsie fell in love with him, still issuing orders, but now with an aching heart. Mark, however, simply endured.
When they turned twentyfive, Marks tolerance hardened into an unpleasant habit. Elsies oncecharming cheekiness turned into a relentless cling. She still hovered, waiting for the moment Mark would finally see her as his destiny.
Mark, love, you look pensive today, Emma tried to draw him into conversation over breakfast Whats with the gloom? Time to think about serious things, like a family
Mark, more interested in his phone than the chat, gave a vague grunt.
You know Emma searched for the right words You get along so well with Elsie. Shes a lovely girl, a bit loud, but perhaps thats what you lack I think it would be wonderful if you married. You two are so easy together.
Right, the surprise! Mark had heard this for years.
Mum, were just friends, like you always said. I dont want to marry her.
Friends Emma said But youve known each other forever! You went to the same garden, sat at the same desk. It feels more than friendship. Its destiny, Mark! Where else will you find a woman who knows you as well as you know her?
Ive never felt anything for Elsie beyond friendship, Mark wanted to end the talk quickly And even that friendship is fading. Maybe I tolerated her as a child because she was fussy and I didnt want a fight. Now shes just an old acquaintance. Im not interested, Mum. Not at all.
But how? She adores you! Always says youre clever
She says that to everyone she finds interesting, Mark shrugged.
A tactic? Emma asked Do you think shes deceiving you?
No, Mum, not deceiving. She just wants attention. She always wants to be the centre of it all. Im not ready to give her more than a friendly chat. I feel nothing like one feels for a loved one.
Yet we, Gwen and I, always wanted you two together
I understand you and Gwen are friends. But I cant marry someone I feel nothing for. It would well, it would end badly. For both of us.
Feelings can appear, Mark! Emma persisted How many times has that happened? First friendship, then
If I feel nothing, then I feel nothing, Mark stood up And Elsie isnt the person Id spend my life with. She has her own ideas of happiness, I have mine. They dont match.
Emma sighed. She felt sorry for Gwen, who dreamed of that perfect union, yet she also understood Mark.
On the same day, not far away, Elsie was scrolling through Marks social feed. Rare photos of him made her smile. He seemed different, not like the boys who tried to cling to her.
When will you understand? she whispered.
She loved him! She couldnt imagine life without him! She wanted to marry him, yet he would someday marry someone else it must not happen.
Els, hello! her mother entered.
Hi, Mum! Elsie replied What have you been up to? Where have you been?
Out for a walk with Emma. We were talking about you again! Gwen winked slyly She says Mark is stubborn. He wont think about the future. But well try to persuade him.
Stubborn? Why? He never tells me anything
He says he has no feelings for you. Can you imagine? Gwen rolled her eyes Years side by side and no feelings, eh?
But Elsie began He was always there. He always listened.
Exactly! Gwen exclaimed Youve known each other since swaddling. Hes just being dense. Feelings are strange they might appear. The main thing is to stay close. Dont give up! Mark just hasnt realised youre unparalleled.
I wont give up, Mum.
Emma, alone at home, felt uneasy. She treasured her friendship with Gwen, yet she also saw how tired Mark was of the constant matchmaking.
You know, Gwen, she said one evening over the phone, I think I may have overreached with this idea. Mark really doesnt feel anything for Elsie. He told me the pressure is crushing him.
Pressure? Gwen was surprised What kind of pressure? The pressure that we want happiness for our children? It would be easier if he agreed, first and foremost for Elsie. She loves him. Ive always told her theyd marry.
Gwen, for us mums that would be wonderful. But for them? Theyd have to live together, not us. And if Mark feels nothing, then he feels nothing.
What should I tell Elsie? I see no one beside Mark for her.
***
Elsie was still around, meeting Mark sporadically, as if by accident. She dated a few boyfriends, none lasting long.
Mark had no time for romance; work consumed him. When he met Alice, things got complicated. At first Emma thought it was flippant, but then Mark introduced them, and panic set in
How do you picture this? Alice scolded when she left We still celebrate holidays with Gwens family, were practically one big clan! How will I tell Elsie that youll now bring a new girlfriend to every gathering? Shell go mad, Gwen wont forgive
Mum!! Mark shouted Mum, snap out of it! Dont you think youve pushed our friendship too far? You dictate who I should date because Aunt Gwen will be upset!
I wouldnt dictate, but Elsie loves you.
Emma stayed silent, yet Gwen had lately declared that if Mark brought another woman, she would cut ties with the whole family, meaning Emma would lose her friend.
I cant return the feeling. Not at all.
But shes suffering, Mark!
I see, Mum. Im sorry. I cant give her what I dont have. I cant force myself to love. That would be a lie, to her and to myself.
But Emma stammered What if what if you simply never noticed? Youve known her forever, maybe you just see her as a friend, but perhaps
I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. No romantic spark. No desire to spend every moment with her. Were different, Mum. Very different.
Gwen could not forgive Emma. They stopped talking, only brushing past each other at mutual gatherings, Gwen hardly acknowledging her old friend.
At a mutual friends wedding, Mark and Elsie found themselves at the same table.
You look lovely, Elsie, Mark broke the silence.
You too, Mark, she replied Youve always been the best I never stopped thinking of you
I know, Mark sighed. And thats why its so hard. I cant live up to your expectations. Im not the man who can make you happy the way you want.
Why cant you? Im Id do anything!
Because I dont love you, Elsie. I dont think I ever will. Our mothers stopped contacting each other over this, but I cant change myself. Im sorry.
Elsie no longer wanted to issue ultimatums, as her mother had.
I I understand, Mark, she whispered Forgive me. I think Ive lived in illusion for far too long.
