Stepdaughter
When I first met Caroline, and love blossomed between us, little Emily was just six years old. Without a father around, she seemed so desperate for affection that we never had any problems bonding. Life in our house was harmonious and warm, at least until that thunderstorm called adolescence rolled in.
Youre not my real dad! Emily cried out one day.
Not her dad? Who, if not me, has listened to years of tales about playground squabbles, stood firm at school meetings on her behalf? Who has hidden the last chocolate biscuits in the back of the cupboard, saving them for those gloomy days when only a sweet treat would do? Who else kept her secret about the pilfered doll from that spiteful girl next door, even sneaking out under cover of darkness to stuff it into the hedgerow and pretendinnocence intactthat shed simply lost it? And as I recall, we agreed years ago to mean what we say; shes called me Dad since she was small, so how have I suddenly become not her dad?
Her words hit me harder than Id ever admit out loud, but I couldnt let it showmans pride and all that. Besides, taking offence was not about to mend the rift. If anything, it would only make things worse.
Point taken, I saluted her, hand to my head for a dash of drama. Shall we then discuss our new setup? The rights and duties of a not dad and not daughter, as it were?
Saying those words felt like tearing stitches open, but it felt like the right thing to do. Emily needed the freedom to choose her own boundaries, within reasonboundaries she herself would help set. But Emily, as always, surprised me. I dont want to, she grumbled, slamming the door in my face. Not even as a little girl did she act that way. She was always forthright, outlining exactly what she wanted, and wed talk it through. If she wanted to take flight from the garden shed, Id demystify gravity and broken legswith diagrams if needed! And when she announced, aged six, that she was marrying Billy Thomas from Year One and moving in with him, I agreed on the spot. Just tell me when the law permits it, Id said, and Ill pack your bags personally. Unsurprisingly, by the next month, shed changed her mind.
Emily and I always had honest, reasoned discussions about her wants and whims. Even turning her nose up at porridge came with an explanation: Its got skin on top and not enough sugar. Crystal clear! So out came a cake, moist and sweet, the way adverts promise.
So, I stood quietly by her closed bedroom door, staring absent-mindedly at the grain of the wood, seeking answers and finding none. What more could one do but wait and see?
Caroline took the changes in Emily with equanimity. Shed been much the same, she said, and her own father would have waved flags if shed gone off to anywhereso long as it was away from him. Once the hormones stop marching all over her emotions, shell be herself again, Caroline said. That was her faith. Its just, everyone returns from adolescent exile at their own pace. I started to miss Emily, though. Watching the match in the evening wasnt the same with only Caroline, or sharing a laugh at Zoes relentless hair colour changes.
From time to time, Emily would emerge from her cocoon in flashes of her old self, though the rest of the time she was so prickly youd be wise not to approach. She alone knew the rhythm and reason of these fleeting spells. Yet, those familiar flashes made me feel like a child again myself, delighted by the smallest sign of thawing.
How about we all go for a day out in the countryside this weekend? I offered. Weathers supposed to be lovely. Well take fishing rods, the tentmake a whole thing of it.
Oh yes, Emily, shall we? Caroline jumped on the idea.
Im not going anywhere with you! Take your own fishing rods, you daft anglers! With that, Emily slammed the door so hard it echoed through the house. Seconds ago shed seemed cheerful. I glanced at Caroline, baffled.
Suppose shes gone off fishing too, I shrugged, trying not to show my hurt.
Everything came to a head when Emily didnt come home from school one afternoon and stopped answering her mobile. We rang every friend we could think of before I couldnt sit still any longer and set out to look for her myself. First I called at Jacobs housea friend from years back, although I hadnt seen him in ages.
No idea where she is, Jacob mumbled.
Any guess?
She called me boring, so we dont talk all that much.
You know, shes called me not her dad lately, but I still worry about her. Old habits die hard.
As I started downstairs, Jacob called out, Wait! Maybe shes with Lewis.
Lewis?
From the next class. Not… the most upstanding lad. You might not like what you find.
Thats all the more reason to check, I said. Come on, show me where he hangs out.
Jacob hesitated, but fell into step with me.
We ended up outside a row of run-down garages, beats and basslines thumping out into the twilight. You can stay in the car if you like, I told Jacob.
Im not scared, he replied.
By the entrance several boys lingered with one girl amongst them, but no Emily. Raising my voice over the music, I asked, Im looking for Emily, is she with you?
You searching for her like some rescue squad? one of them sneered.
Just then, Emily herself appeared in the doorway. Why did you come here? she demanded.
For you.
I know my way home without you.
Be that as it may, its late, and Id rather you didnt end the evening at the local nick. So, your carriage awaits, mlady.
She went with me, muttering Traitor, at Jacob as she slid into the car.
After that, she began to disappear more. Again and again Id haul her out of that garage, ignoring the jeers that I was her personal taxi. Once, though, she outright refused.
What do you want? she yelled. Leave me alone, Im grown up! Ill stay out as long as I like.
Take it up with Parliament, I replied. The rules for under-18s are quite clear in the Constitution, you know.
Dont you know where to go? she snapped, turning away.
Im not leaving you behind, not even if you send me packing by words or any other means.
I wish youd never met my mum. I wish you didnt exist! she spat bitterly, but still climbed into the car.
That cut to the quick and, driving home, eyes burning, I nearly gave up for good. Who was I really, if not just her mums husbandan outsider meddling where I didnt belong? Still, the thought of her out there alone terrified me. What if she fell, unable to get up, and I wasnt there to help? She could insult and push me away, but I simply wouldnt quit.
When her lot moved on from the garages, I was at a loss. I pressed Jacob for clues, but Emily remained elusive, picking her own times to come home, sometimes in the dead of night. Caroline, I could see, was more worried than shed shownher earlier calm only a veneer, a mums best effort to protect the family from despair. Wed lie awake, trying to act as if everything was fine until the front door banged shut and we breathed out together.
One sleepless night, my phone rangJacob. She rang me, Mr Collinsshes in a flat on Oxford Street and cant get out.
She say which number?
Described it enough. I know where.
Right, youre coming with me.
Carolines lips were trembling as I pulled on my shoes. Shed heard everything. Please, dont fret. Ill sort it. Stay put just in case. And make us pancakes, will you? I wake up famished when Im up late. I beg youdont let your nocturnal rescue hero starve, I said, kissing her on the tip of her nose, tasting salt.
After picking up Jacob, I sped through London, only slowing for night-drifting crowds and the endless stream of black cabs. More than once I skirted disasterincluding a couple of blokes who decided the middle of the street was the perfect place for lager and a chat.
At last, we arrived. Stay in the car, I told Jacob, so theres somewhere for us to escape tomoon must be in a strange phase, with all manner of ghouls about tonight. Jacob looked ready to protest, but my stare silenced him. One adolescent under my watch tonight was enough.
Scouting out the block, I checked the windows. Music spilled from some, shadows moved inside othersa normal night in central London. I was running the descriptions through my mind when a lucky break let me through the entryway.
The first two floors were dead endsnobody home, or else I was cursed soundly and told to move on. On the third, an insomniac pensioner was delighted to find a soul wandering at two in the morning. She clung to my story as if it were water after a trek through a desert.
Three dodgy flats, I tell you! she whispered. All junkies in those three.
Genuine ones? I asked with a smile, playing along.
Yes! Ive seen it with my own eyesthe needles, the smoking, everything!
She may have exaggerated, but I took her hunch seriously enough, jotting down the numbers.
The first flat was home to a harmless old boozer and his battered dog, along with a weary young woman. The second was vacant. I buzzed the bell a few times and moved on.
My nerves clawed at me as I climbed to the next; heart thumping, I balled my fists and steadied myself. As I reached the right door, it burst open and a girl stepped out. I almost mistook her for Emilythe resemblance uncannybut her eyes were glassy, unfocused, her mouth twisted into the grotesque mask of a clown. I recoiled, then bolted inside, gripped by the fear that Emily might look exactly the same.
Emily! I yelled, stumbling through the flat, shoving past people sprawled in my path, bottles and legs everywhere. Suddenly, I heard her.
Dad! Dad! Her voice was muffled, coming from the loo. I wrenched the door and, with a snap, the latch gave way.
Dad! Emily sobbed, rushing at me. Shed simply hidden there, terrified to come out.
As we left, the police were coming up the stairsthe old dear had called them, and theyd decided to check it out.
They were holding your daughter against her will? a constable asked.
Im her stepfather, I clarified.
Hes my dad! Emily announced.
Back home, we ate pancakes with cream. They might have been salty with Carolines tears, but they were the best Id ever tasted. I delivered my long-overdue lecture to a daughter who, for the first time in ages, didnt bite back. I told her that, even if she tried to sweep me out of her life with the biggest broom she could find, I was staying put. I reminded them both that life is a circus acttricky to balance, but practice makes perfect. And that every fall is only another chance to stand up.
They listened, smiling, resting their cheeks on their handsthe people I loved most in the world.
My family.
