Whats with you and that Emily? Why do you even need a wife like that? She had the baby, got soft around the edges, now she waddles about like a blimp. You think shell slim down? Sure, keep waitingitll only get worse!
Whats the deal with that sofa? Why would you want a wife like that? She gave birth, spread out, now she shuffles about like a zeppelin. You think shell shed the weight? Keep your hopes, itll just get worse.
But shes calm, and I actually like the curves now. She used to be as skinny as a matchsticknow shes got shape!
I said that about my wife and a grin slipped onto my face. My best mate, James, slapped my shoulder right away.
Hold on, dont get carried away, alright? Who cares what you fancy. Youll turn up with her at the New Years office do and youll be mortified to look your pals in the eye. Youre a tall, broad, good-looking bloke. A womans prime is short, but us men? We stay eligible for life!
I just shook my head. Yet the thought crept in that maybe Id been stuck in this marriage too long. Once I was a proper womaniseruntil Emily turned me round. Calm, lovely, kind, caring. And she cooks so well you cant pull yourself away from the plate. Id put on about ten stone since we tied the knot, and wed just welcomed a baby.
You need to swap wives like old tyres! James roared, laughing. I divorced mine and now Im with Lucy. Young, fit. And if anything goes pear-shaped, Ill trade her in for another!
After that chat, James words kept looping in my head. Hed wound me up, and suddenly I started taking his ideas as my own. Maybe Id really lingered in this marriage?
Emily, youve, uh, put on
I barely finished when my wife, clutching our justasleep infant, widened her eyes.
And what of it? Ive gained five kilosdoes that make a tragedy? Im the one looking after the baby, running on fumes, working from home. The whole household falls on mebabywatching, deadlines, sorting the bills, paying the gas and electric, buying the shop, cooking everything! And youre going to nag me about five measly kilos?!
It hit her like a burst pipe. She wanted to sob from the hurt that I didnt value any of it. And if she walked out, Id be left alone with all those problems and drown.
Why do you keep harping on the kilos? I brought a whole human into the world, and youre fixated on weight!
Emily sniffed and drifted to the nursery with the baby in her arms. I stayed perched in the chair. If I had another wife, maybe she wouldnt be shouting.
Day after day, I sank deeper into the thoughts James had planted. It kept looking more like he was right. I wouldnt abandon my childId helpbut having a fallback never hurt.
Look how Lucy from the next department eyes you! She devours you with her stare! Shes single, I checked. Gorgeous, athletic. Just look at hershe belongs in an art gallery! Next to her, your Emily doesnt even compare! James said, strolling up to the table.
Sure enough, Lucy was by the water cooler, a pretty young thing who glared occasionally at a colleague. I hadnt noticed the fire in her eyes James talked about, but James had more experiencehe must know better!
Youll get home and a bird like that will be waiting! Imagineheels, lacy underwear, everything to make a man happy! And yours? Probably in a robe with babyspit stains! Youre getting on in yearssoon itll be harder to find a lass.
James patted my shoulder, then slipped back to his department, tossing a couple of cheeky jokes at Lucy. I felt a pang of envy toward my best mate. James could always find common ground with women, strike up a chat with any of them, and the next day brag about a new number or a night out.
I went to see my mother and started venting about how my wife, sort ofsince I hadnt decidedno longer suited me. But Margaret, whod always been on my side, didnt back me this time.
You little wretch, your wife gave you a child, she works, runs the whole house, shes a beautyand you turn up your nose?! You men are all the same, Tom. You dont know how to value what you havealways eyeing other birds like wolves. Then you end up old and alone, howling at the moon!
Her words flew right past my ears. I kept eyeballing Lucy at work, catching her glances, thinking maybe James was right. Time marches onyoull never get someone that young later; you dont need a fortuneteller to see it. One day I came home so wound up I could think of nothing but James jokes.
I sat across from Emily, who was rocking the baby after yet another sleepless night. Dark circles under her eyes, her skin not the same as before. Shed lost the athletic shape she once had. I understood I loved her, but the fear that I might be missing all my male chances gnawed at me.
You know, Emily, I think we should split. Youve changed since the birth. Ive realised a lot, and maybe it really is time.
There was nothing concrete in my words. I stammered, trying to soften the blow, feeling like a foolas if Id fallen for a phone scam and now shuffled my eyes away whenever anyone asked.
At first Emily didnt answer. She just looked into my eyes, and all I saw was wearinessno anger, no disappointment. She laid the baby in the cot, grabbed two suitcases, and walked down the hallway. She hadnt said a word until then, but now it was clear she was leaving.
I wanted to shout, to stop her, to drop to my knees and apologise. But the moment I imagined humiliating myself in front of James by spilling it all, those urges slipped away.
You know what, Tom Maybe you should live on your own for a whilewithout me, without your son. When you had that accident and were bedridden, I nursed you for a year. I worked at the same time, emptied your bedpans, got you to do your exercises, found the best doctors, took out loans and paid them off. I never mentioned divorce or that our relationship was off. And you threw me out with a baby in my arms over five miserable kilos.
Emily turned and left, not waiting for any realisation to dawn on my bewildered face. I stood in the doorway, listening to her footsteps fade, feeling nothing but a crushing sense of an irreversible mistake.
The next morning I went to work with no mood for anything. Everything slipped through my fingers. James bounced around me, congratulating me, grabbing my arm like schoolboys in the playground.
Well, thats thatgo start chatting up Lucy. What a stunnerotherwise Ill steal her from you.
James laughed, but I wasnt amused. I looked up, and James seemed to get it.
Heres what Ill tell you, James. I was a fool to believe you. I had a wife any bloke would die of envy over! I have a son, a good family! I dont need your young birds!
You sound like a henpecked husband, not a man!
And a man, in your book, is someone who ditches his wife and his own child? Or a man who cant keep his trousers on and hops from girl to girl? Or is a man to you someone who cant be faithful and bolts like a stray dog the second a skirt swishes by?
James took offence at the way I brushed off his advice, and the words hit a sore spot. The two of us had a blazing row. I decided that if nothing changed, I wouldnt be friends with James any longer. With a best friend like that, you dont need enemies.
That very day I went to Emily with a huge bouquet of roses. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness, honestly admitting Id fallen for my mates tall tales. I blamed only myself and pleaded for pardon. Emily forgave me; we moved back into our flat and began living in harmony. It even seemed to me that I loved her more than ever. I no longer saw her as just an extra in the package.
To me, Emily was the most beautiful, the very best. To hell with the kilos, with the tired look. I started helping her actively, taking on more responsibility with the baby. Id sit with the child, get up at night, put him to sleep. I took over the laundry and the cooking when needed. Meanwhile Emily began to blossomshe even signed up for the gym.
Little by little, in tiny steps, our relationship slipped back onto its old course. I promised myself I would never do anything like that again. For me, the whole episode became a hardwon lesson: you must always use your own head.
